Brother abusing GF and her kids
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Brother abusing GF and her kids
Hi, SR folk--I'm looking for some info this AM, and I feel certain someone here can help. Long story short, my 41-year-old youngest brother has apparently been physically abusing the 2 children (pre-teens, I believe) of his current GF as well as the GF. I have reason to believe this was the case in his last relationship also. We are not close, and this info comes thru my mom. She is wondering how she can help the kids, as she has come to realize that the so-called "adults" have to help themselves. She is going to try to contact the kids' grandparents to see if they want to get involved, as the kids' father was abusive also (divorced from their mother). I suggested she contact the local DV center for info. Can anybody here add anything we missed?
This brother drinks heavily, at least at some times, has prescription pain meds that he may or may not legitimately need, and recently won a court settlement granting him disability and a sizable payoff for a work injury (again, this may or may not be legitimate--I have my doubts). He has had a series of unhealthy relationships and a few years ago lost his house b/c he simply did not make a payment for over a year. When it came down to the end, he quacked like mad about how his paperwork had been lost and he had contacted people and made arrangements, he was the victim, blah blah blah. This has been his pattern all his life, and I honestly don't see it changing. The abuse thing, however, seems to be new and leads me to believe that he's spiraling downward. He emailed me and wants to "talk" this afternoon. That should be interesting, as he only ever contacts me when he wants something...
Anyway, thanks for any help you can offer here. As I say, I know very well I can't make him change, but I would like to help protect the kids if I can.
This brother drinks heavily, at least at some times, has prescription pain meds that he may or may not legitimately need, and recently won a court settlement granting him disability and a sizable payoff for a work injury (again, this may or may not be legitimate--I have my doubts). He has had a series of unhealthy relationships and a few years ago lost his house b/c he simply did not make a payment for over a year. When it came down to the end, he quacked like mad about how his paperwork had been lost and he had contacted people and made arrangements, he was the victim, blah blah blah. This has been his pattern all his life, and I honestly don't see it changing. The abuse thing, however, seems to be new and leads me to believe that he's spiraling downward. He emailed me and wants to "talk" this afternoon. That should be interesting, as he only ever contacts me when he wants something...
Anyway, thanks for any help you can offer here. As I say, I know very well I can't make him change, but I would like to help protect the kids if I can.
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Hi Honeypig - sure am sorry this is what you are dealing with. I take it these are step-kids? If so where is the biological father?
Is the information of the abuse coming from the girlfriend to your mom? If so how does the GF want to handle it? What is the proof of the abuse?
Is the information of the abuse coming from the girlfriend to your mom? If so how does the GF want to handle it? What is the proof of the abuse?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Thanks for all the quick replies!
Redatlanta, the biological father is divorced from the mother and I believe is in the area. However, the reason she divorced him is b/c he was abusive also, so I'm not sure he'll be any help here. The GF called the cops a few nights ago but will not press charges now. A night or two after that, she left and went to my youngest sister's house b/c he was abusive. The kids apparently were someplace else at that time, and she returned home b/c the kids were returning that day. She does not work and is 14 years younger than my brother.
Purpleknight, she certainly does have the power but it doesn't seem, at least for now, that she cares to use it. She did divorce her XH, who was abusive, but she is right back in a similar situation now. My mom gave her the number of the local DV center, but doesn't know if she'll actually call.
Mountainmanbob, I am wondering what he'll say also. He has such a history of lying that I don't know what I'll even be able to believe, but more will be revealed.
Thanks again to all!
Just as additional info, about a year ago, the previous GF had a restraining order on him. I discounted it as an overreaction at the time, but I see it differently now.
Redatlanta, the biological father is divorced from the mother and I believe is in the area. However, the reason she divorced him is b/c he was abusive also, so I'm not sure he'll be any help here. The GF called the cops a few nights ago but will not press charges now. A night or two after that, she left and went to my youngest sister's house b/c he was abusive. The kids apparently were someplace else at that time, and she returned home b/c the kids were returning that day. She does not work and is 14 years younger than my brother.
Purpleknight, she certainly does have the power but it doesn't seem, at least for now, that she cares to use it. She did divorce her XH, who was abusive, but she is right back in a similar situation now. My mom gave her the number of the local DV center, but doesn't know if she'll actually call.
Mountainmanbob, I am wondering what he'll say also. He has such a history of lying that I don't know what I'll even be able to believe, but more will be revealed.
Thanks again to all!
Just as additional info, about a year ago, the previous GF had a restraining order on him. I discounted it as an overreaction at the time, but I see it differently now.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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I can tell you my experience with this through a friend.
My friends's cousin X had two young children and was married. A family member went to their home for a visit and saw that the house was utterly filthy inclusive of a dead dog which was left in the house rotting. She called DFACS. The children were removed from the home and placed with the sister of X who was willing to take them otherwise they would have gone into foster care. X and her husband were arrested and charged with reckless endangerment to children. I think there was an additional charge for the husband, maybe they found drugs in the house and he also got charged with distribution. Yeah I think that was it because he stayed in jail longer than the the mother.
So X gets out of jail after about 10 days. She petitioned the court for return of her kids. The Court granted visitation but would not grant custody pending the court date for reckless endangerment charges which was like in 2 month. She was charged but given probation. She petitioned for return of her children and the stipulations were that the house had to be approved first by DFACS and that the father could not be in residence. DFACS gave thumbs up and even though the sister asked for permanent guardianship of the kids it was denied.
On a random check by DFACS about 6 months later the house was disgusting again and the father was in residence. The kids were given to the sister again. Cousin X had to serve her sentence which was 8 months.
She is back out and has petitioned the Court again for custody. She filed for divorce. Blamed it all on the husband.
Now here is the truth - Cousin X has Asbergers and a pretty severe case of it. She should have never had kids but she did. The house is the way she had always lived and it wasn't just the husband it was her. She has the inability to care for her own self. The sister is fighting custody again but it appears she will lose the battle again. The Courts have left guardianship with the sister but keep giving X more and more visitation and now she is getting overnights with the children.
So I am not sure what to tell you. In my city DFACS is so over burdened that they can't help all the kids that need it. There is no place to put them. If the grandparents or some other blood relative were willing to take these kids then you may get somewhere but not necessarily permanently. I am not sure you will get cooperation from GF as she is unwilling to press charges against your brother.
The whole situation sucks I am very sorry for those kids and for the people like you and your mom that want to help. Calling DFACS is the only thing I know to do unless the GF would willingly give the kids to someone who was willing to take them (and her possibly).
My friends's cousin X had two young children and was married. A family member went to their home for a visit and saw that the house was utterly filthy inclusive of a dead dog which was left in the house rotting. She called DFACS. The children were removed from the home and placed with the sister of X who was willing to take them otherwise they would have gone into foster care. X and her husband were arrested and charged with reckless endangerment to children. I think there was an additional charge for the husband, maybe they found drugs in the house and he also got charged with distribution. Yeah I think that was it because he stayed in jail longer than the the mother.
So X gets out of jail after about 10 days. She petitioned the court for return of her kids. The Court granted visitation but would not grant custody pending the court date for reckless endangerment charges which was like in 2 month. She was charged but given probation. She petitioned for return of her children and the stipulations were that the house had to be approved first by DFACS and that the father could not be in residence. DFACS gave thumbs up and even though the sister asked for permanent guardianship of the kids it was denied.
On a random check by DFACS about 6 months later the house was disgusting again and the father was in residence. The kids were given to the sister again. Cousin X had to serve her sentence which was 8 months.
She is back out and has petitioned the Court again for custody. She filed for divorce. Blamed it all on the husband.
Now here is the truth - Cousin X has Asbergers and a pretty severe case of it. She should have never had kids but she did. The house is the way she had always lived and it wasn't just the husband it was her. She has the inability to care for her own self. The sister is fighting custody again but it appears she will lose the battle again. The Courts have left guardianship with the sister but keep giving X more and more visitation and now she is getting overnights with the children.
So I am not sure what to tell you. In my city DFACS is so over burdened that they can't help all the kids that need it. There is no place to put them. If the grandparents or some other blood relative were willing to take these kids then you may get somewhere but not necessarily permanently. I am not sure you will get cooperation from GF as she is unwilling to press charges against your brother.
The whole situation sucks I am very sorry for those kids and for the people like you and your mom that want to help. Calling DFACS is the only thing I know to do unless the GF would willingly give the kids to someone who was willing to take them (and her possibly).
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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This is a really difficult situation because right now all you have to go on is what your mother is telling you, do you know where she got the information from?
If its hearsay information, there isn't really much to go on. Can you give us more information about this.
Meeting with your brother. I don't know how you feel about this, but I would try to make things better there, so that perhaps you can meet his GF. That is if you feel you are capable of doing this. If you get to meet the GF and her children, let her know that you are a "safe" person and someone that she can talk to and also let her children feel "safe" also with you. This is a little hard to do, because people who are abused do not like to open up, especially with people she never met.
With your mother talking to her parents, again, I would need to know the source of the information, and what the information is, to really think about this. Sometimes if you call CPS and they don't find anything, it makes things worse for her and the children, and that is my biggest concern about the source of the info, and type of info.
Directly giving her DV info? Also hesitant on that, without more specific info.
If its hearsay information, there isn't really much to go on. Can you give us more information about this.
Meeting with your brother. I don't know how you feel about this, but I would try to make things better there, so that perhaps you can meet his GF. That is if you feel you are capable of doing this. If you get to meet the GF and her children, let her know that you are a "safe" person and someone that she can talk to and also let her children feel "safe" also with you. This is a little hard to do, because people who are abused do not like to open up, especially with people she never met.
With your mother talking to her parents, again, I would need to know the source of the information, and what the information is, to really think about this. Sometimes if you call CPS and they don't find anything, it makes things worse for her and the children, and that is my biggest concern about the source of the info, and type of info.
Directly giving her DV info? Also hesitant on that, without more specific info.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Sorry I didn't read your second reply here.
Meet with him, see what he wants, he may be trying to alienate GF from your family for more control over her.
I just say that she stayed with your younger sister one night. He will need you to try to alienate GF from your younger sister.
Meet with him, see what he wants, he may be trying to alienate GF from your family for more control over her.
I just say that she stayed with your younger sister one night. He will need you to try to alienate GF from your younger sister.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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OK, you can tell as a DV survivor that I'm "confused", and I have difficulty making a decision. I change my mind a lot.
Is there sufficient information to call CPS? And yes, would the grandparents be willing to take the children?
Lunch today? That's your decision. I'm thinking that the reason he called you was because he knows your younger sister and mom know too much, so he needs to tell his side of the story to someone, so that he can justify his behavior and look like the poor victim, so that you can talk to your mom and younger sister to turn them against his GF.
If you can deal with that you can meet him for lunch to see if that is his "game plan".
Do you know if his GF is allowed now to talk to your sister, or is she being watched closely and questioned continuously?
If you sister is still considered the "safe" person for GF to contact, then perhaps also print out the list in the stickies here with how to help someone who is being abused.
Let us know how it goes.
If she feels like she is getting support from his side it might make it easier, because she will feel "less crazy".
Is there sufficient information to call CPS? And yes, would the grandparents be willing to take the children?
Lunch today? That's your decision. I'm thinking that the reason he called you was because he knows your younger sister and mom know too much, so he needs to tell his side of the story to someone, so that he can justify his behavior and look like the poor victim, so that you can talk to your mom and younger sister to turn them against his GF.
If you can deal with that you can meet him for lunch to see if that is his "game plan".
Do you know if his GF is allowed now to talk to your sister, or is she being watched closely and questioned continuously?
If you sister is still considered the "safe" person for GF to contact, then perhaps also print out the list in the stickies here with how to help someone who is being abused.
Let us know how it goes.
If she feels like she is getting support from his side it might make it easier, because she will feel "less crazy".
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
If the children are being abused I would call CPS. Even if CPS can't do anything with 3rd party information they log it. You never know what other information they have and it helps them with the full picture and/or puts the kids on the 'radar'. You never know what other services are wrapped around the kids and every report can make a small difference.
Already good advice about how to support their mother. I read through the stickied threads - lots of good advice there too.
Already good advice about how to support their mother. I read through the stickied threads - lots of good advice there too.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
If the children are being abused I would call CPS. Even if CPS can't do anything with 3rd party information they log it. You never know what other information they have and it helps them with the full picture and/or puts the kids on the 'radar'. You never know what other services are wrapped around the kids and every report can make a small difference.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Honeypig, is your brother local? Does the GF have any ties at all to a church? Do her parents? That can be a great way to find some emotional support if the GF is attempting to leave.
I concur about calling CPS. (Bureau of Milwaukee Child Welfare around here). 414-616-6100.
Also check the Sojourner Family Peace Center at 414-933-2722, and End Abuse at endabusewi.org is a great clearinghouse of websites/phone numbers for the area.
Finally, if she would struggle to support herself and her children without your brother's income/settlement, please suggest to her or her parents that she check https://access.wisconsin.gov/access/, where she can apply for most state benefits in one place. Response times are generally very good.
I concur about calling CPS. (Bureau of Milwaukee Child Welfare around here). 414-616-6100.
Also check the Sojourner Family Peace Center at 414-933-2722, and End Abuse at endabusewi.org is a great clearinghouse of websites/phone numbers for the area.
Finally, if she would struggle to support herself and her children without your brother's income/settlement, please suggest to her or her parents that she check https://access.wisconsin.gov/access/, where she can apply for most state benefits in one place. Response times are generally very good.
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OK, just got off the phone w/the brother. Thanks to all for the insights and info.
My brother is not local, lives a few hours away. I called him a little while ago. He sounded like he had no clue what was going on when I called, claimed he was asleep (called at 2 PM). He asked what he could do for me. I said I was returning his call from yesterday. There was a long pause, like he wasn't quite sure what I was talking about. Then he began to ramble about how he had no idea where all this $hit had come from, out of a blue sky, etc. I said Mom told me that Ashley's son was clearly frightened of you and she took you aside to say that just b/c your father was rough w/you wasn't an excuse to be rough on others. She said that your reply was "well, so what if he was rough on us, we all turned out OK" (!!). Are you telling me this is not true? And yes, he denied it.
Then I said "Your GF didn't leave the other night b/c she was afraid, and go stay at our sister's house?" And he denied this also, saying that she went out w/friends to dinner. I said "so our sister is lying also?" He said yes, she was, and I could ask his GF. So he shoves the phone at her, and I hear her going "who IS this?". I identified myself and asked HER if it was true that she'd run away to Erin's house b/c she was afraid. She didn't say yes or no, just said she'd told my brother that she was going to dinner w/friends. To me, this doesn't paint a picture of someone fleeing in fear...
I told her that she had the DV info that my mom gave her and she should use it if she felt the need. I told her I would be hanging up. Then I did so.
I feel I have no clue what is true and what is not here, who is lying and about what and why. Whatever is going on here is so far beyond anything I can get my head around, and even further beyond what I feel I can have ANY effect whatsoever on. They are on their own. I feel sad that their lives are this F'd up, but they are both adults.
I'll pass on the info to my mom regarding calling CPS, etc. Wisconsin, thank you in particular for the info and the access site. They live in rural western Wisconsin, so resources will certainly be less plentiful than in an urban area, but something should be available for someone who truly wants help.
Again, thank you all for your input. I really feel that I'm going to just step back and let things take their course. I'll continue to support my mom as she tries to make things better for the kids. I feel she is working so hard at this in part b/c her 2nd husband abused all of us, including her, and this seems like a chance for her to "do better" now that she "knows better." (My relationship w/her is a subject for a much, much longer post, and I'll spare you that, but as we all know here, any step forward is good.)
My brother is not local, lives a few hours away. I called him a little while ago. He sounded like he had no clue what was going on when I called, claimed he was asleep (called at 2 PM). He asked what he could do for me. I said I was returning his call from yesterday. There was a long pause, like he wasn't quite sure what I was talking about. Then he began to ramble about how he had no idea where all this $hit had come from, out of a blue sky, etc. I said Mom told me that Ashley's son was clearly frightened of you and she took you aside to say that just b/c your father was rough w/you wasn't an excuse to be rough on others. She said that your reply was "well, so what if he was rough on us, we all turned out OK" (!!). Are you telling me this is not true? And yes, he denied it.
Then I said "Your GF didn't leave the other night b/c she was afraid, and go stay at our sister's house?" And he denied this also, saying that she went out w/friends to dinner. I said "so our sister is lying also?" He said yes, she was, and I could ask his GF. So he shoves the phone at her, and I hear her going "who IS this?". I identified myself and asked HER if it was true that she'd run away to Erin's house b/c she was afraid. She didn't say yes or no, just said she'd told my brother that she was going to dinner w/friends. To me, this doesn't paint a picture of someone fleeing in fear...
I told her that she had the DV info that my mom gave her and she should use it if she felt the need. I told her I would be hanging up. Then I did so.
I feel I have no clue what is true and what is not here, who is lying and about what and why. Whatever is going on here is so far beyond anything I can get my head around, and even further beyond what I feel I can have ANY effect whatsoever on. They are on their own. I feel sad that their lives are this F'd up, but they are both adults.
I'll pass on the info to my mom regarding calling CPS, etc. Wisconsin, thank you in particular for the info and the access site. They live in rural western Wisconsin, so resources will certainly be less plentiful than in an urban area, but something should be available for someone who truly wants help.
Again, thank you all for your input. I really feel that I'm going to just step back and let things take their course. I'll continue to support my mom as she tries to make things better for the kids. I feel she is working so hard at this in part b/c her 2nd husband abused all of us, including her, and this seems like a chance for her to "do better" now that she "knows better." (My relationship w/her is a subject for a much, much longer post, and I'll spare you that, but as we all know here, any step forward is good.)
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