I was feeling good and I think I got overconfident
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I was feeling good and I think I got overconfident
My move date was rescheduled to July 29th of the 1st - the movers could only come that day or the middle of August.
I told my supposed RAH because it has to do with his kids leaving sooner. I was afraid to tell him knowing it would probably cause quacking and it did and instead of my usual detached "ok" I responded. and he took my down a road. And i went with him -trying to reason with him. Maybe I thought, I'm strong, I'm cured, I can take him.
I tried to stress the point that while it's perfectly fine to "hate me" - saying vile things wasn't the way to be. Didn't he want to hold himself to a higher standard? Is this way you really want to go out? I don't like a lot of people but I don't speak to them like they are dirt on the floor, I can still hold myself together, why can't you do that, I asked?
Then I tried to use our 5 year old as an example. How would you counsel DD if she felt very angry with someone? What you advise she behave this way or would you encourage her to (insert all kinds of healthy behaviors)
Each and every response he gave me was hateful, hurtful passive aggressive, insulting and alarming.
It hurt. Or aggravated me. Or saddened me I don't know - it gave me feelings I didn't like. Maybe deep down I thought he would be human? I don't know.
He started saying poisonous things to the kids. I started flipping.
The next morning (yesterday) I textd him and said I know you think you are hurting me (kids) but you are just hurting them - please stop.
I got this huge text page about how the kids should know....and followed was a well written articulated paragraph slamming me as a mother. It wasn't random bizarre statements, it had commas and new paragraphs and was written like it was real - does that make sense?
It really shook me up. I cried. I don't know why I cried, I think I cried because it hurt that he would slam me as a mother - in such proper wording. I am a good mother. I'm not perfect, obviously, but I know I am good mother. I think I thought his hate was reserved for me as a wife or me as a general person, he has made quacking statements about me being a mother, but i never got such a serious note about how I suck as a mom.
My computer tends to freeze up and I lose what i post, so I'm going to submit I don't have a closing statement.
I told my supposed RAH because it has to do with his kids leaving sooner. I was afraid to tell him knowing it would probably cause quacking and it did and instead of my usual detached "ok" I responded. and he took my down a road. And i went with him -trying to reason with him. Maybe I thought, I'm strong, I'm cured, I can take him.
I tried to stress the point that while it's perfectly fine to "hate me" - saying vile things wasn't the way to be. Didn't he want to hold himself to a higher standard? Is this way you really want to go out? I don't like a lot of people but I don't speak to them like they are dirt on the floor, I can still hold myself together, why can't you do that, I asked?
Then I tried to use our 5 year old as an example. How would you counsel DD if she felt very angry with someone? What you advise she behave this way or would you encourage her to (insert all kinds of healthy behaviors)
Each and every response he gave me was hateful, hurtful passive aggressive, insulting and alarming.
It hurt. Or aggravated me. Or saddened me I don't know - it gave me feelings I didn't like. Maybe deep down I thought he would be human? I don't know.
He started saying poisonous things to the kids. I started flipping.
The next morning (yesterday) I textd him and said I know you think you are hurting me (kids) but you are just hurting them - please stop.
I got this huge text page about how the kids should know....and followed was a well written articulated paragraph slamming me as a mother. It wasn't random bizarre statements, it had commas and new paragraphs and was written like it was real - does that make sense?
It really shook me up. I cried. I don't know why I cried, I think I cried because it hurt that he would slam me as a mother - in such proper wording. I am a good mother. I'm not perfect, obviously, but I know I am good mother. I think I thought his hate was reserved for me as a wife or me as a general person, he has made quacking statements about me being a mother, but i never got such a serious note about how I suck as a mom.
My computer tends to freeze up and I lose what i post, so I'm going to submit I don't have a closing statement.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Easier said than done - but try and not let it get to you.
People get really ugly in breakups. I am hoping that this is a momentary thing but who knows. You can't make him stop - I probably would not broach the subject with him again. He is trying to hurt you and only you and doesn't care or see that he is hurting the kids. The more you protest to him, the more reaction he gets, the more he is going to do it.
People get really ugly in breakups. I am hoping that this is a momentary thing but who knows. You can't make him stop - I probably would not broach the subject with him again. He is trying to hurt you and only you and doesn't care or see that he is hurting the kids. The more you protest to him, the more reaction he gets, the more he is going to do it.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Well you learned the reasoning road quickly degenerated into a muddy two track where you and the kids are thrown under the wheels for traction.
Take a shower, scrub off the mud. Sounds like a gift from above the move date got moved up! Hugs!
Take a shower, scrub off the mud. Sounds like a gift from above the move date got moved up! Hugs!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 40
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs your way:
(((((meggem)))))
Please know that you are so strong! I'm just beginning my recovery and am in early decision-making on leaving. I'm afraid my toxic AH would do much the same and it scares me. Yay you for making such a difficult decision....but in some ways it seems that he is proving you right for leaving...
Yes, take a shower, wash off mud. And know that in a few years your kids will know and understand what you did and appreciate you so much for it! Keep them first in your mind as the reason for everything....
Hugs again and good luck!
(((((meggem)))))
Please know that you are so strong! I'm just beginning my recovery and am in early decision-making on leaving. I'm afraid my toxic AH would do much the same and it scares me. Yay you for making such a difficult decision....but in some ways it seems that he is proving you right for leaving...
Yes, take a shower, wash off mud. And know that in a few years your kids will know and understand what you did and appreciate you so much for it! Keep them first in your mind as the reason for everything....
Hugs again and good luck!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Nevada
Posts: 57
Meggem,
Here's my thoughts....sounds like he realized he wasn't getting to you earlier, so he went for the jugular, being a good mom.
Stay strong and have faith. Addicts can't rise to a higher level, we can only sink to theirs. Remember the serenity prayer....."the wisdom to know the difference."
Blessings to you
Here's my thoughts....sounds like he realized he wasn't getting to you earlier, so he went for the jugular, being a good mom.
Stay strong and have faith. Addicts can't rise to a higher level, we can only sink to theirs. Remember the serenity prayer....."the wisdom to know the difference."
Blessings to you
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Yep, I agree with others.
You aren't reacting, so he's upped his ante to try to hurt you.
This will make walking away a bit easier in the end.
He's shown his lack of ethics and fair play by writing that carefully-planned and revised paragraph.
I'd pretty much ignore him for the last few days in the home and keep emotionally flat as possible around him.
He hasn't earned any feelings from you.
You can do this. You know you are a terrific mom
and underneath he does too. Just a punch below the belt.
You aren't reacting, so he's upped his ante to try to hurt you.
This will make walking away a bit easier in the end.
He's shown his lack of ethics and fair play by writing that carefully-planned and revised paragraph.
I'd pretty much ignore him for the last few days in the home and keep emotionally flat as possible around him.
He hasn't earned any feelings from you.
You can do this. You know you are a terrific mom
and underneath he does too. Just a punch below the belt.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yeah, meggem, like the others have said....he is just trying to hurt you.
He is just protecting his wounded ego and his "position" in the only way he knows how.
He knows where your hot buttons are...and he is leaning hard on them.
They will frequently go for the "mother button"....because they know that it will throw you off balance.
meggem, you know your truth...esp, as a mother.
Trust your truth, not his.
dandylion
He is just protecting his wounded ego and his "position" in the only way he knows how.
He knows where your hot buttons are...and he is leaning hard on them.
They will frequently go for the "mother button"....because they know that it will throw you off balance.
meggem, you know your truth...esp, as a mother.
Trust your truth, not his.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Ditto to all above & I'll add that a lot of time the venom that RAH spewed at me was really him displacing his self-hated & disgust. He was unhappy with himself in all the ways that he accused me of being a bad person. Honestly, after a while I could just insert "him" for "me" in his statements & turn an insult into a fact. (which is part of what me realize how psychologically deep the damage really goes sometimes)
((((HUGS))))
((((HUGS))))
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Thanks everyone for the support – I got something from all of your replies and FIRESPRITE oh my goodness did what you say resonate with me.
I realized about a year ago, that everything he hurled at me was really what he felt about himself. It took me years to figure that out. And years to realize what he was saying was not true. Not that I don’t have negative traits about me, but I know what they are, and he wasn’t saying them- he was saying everything I wasn’t – miserable, never happy, only care about myself, negative, selfish just to name a very few. Everything I am NOT. And everything he IS. Now if he would have said – over sarcastic, or always interrupting, or that things tend to have to be my way, or that I think I am entitled to spend money and he isn’t - those things I would recognize as being my negative traits.
The mother button was everything I am not, and much of what he IS. but I will admit he had me thinking. I really was considering what he was saying. Only because it was written so clearly and ‘nicely.’ I don’t think he has ever torn me apart so nicely.
I realized about a year ago, that everything he hurled at me was really what he felt about himself. It took me years to figure that out. And years to realize what he was saying was not true. Not that I don’t have negative traits about me, but I know what they are, and he wasn’t saying them- he was saying everything I wasn’t – miserable, never happy, only care about myself, negative, selfish just to name a very few. Everything I am NOT. And everything he IS. Now if he would have said – over sarcastic, or always interrupting, or that things tend to have to be my way, or that I think I am entitled to spend money and he isn’t - those things I would recognize as being my negative traits.
The mother button was everything I am not, and much of what he IS. but I will admit he had me thinking. I really was considering what he was saying. Only because it was written so clearly and ‘nicely.’ I don’t think he has ever torn me apart so nicely.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
((hug))
I've been in that exact spot. I understand. My xah did not let up. He hammered that button endlessly. It was hard. Practice not responding. The responding leads down the same awful path each time and there is never any closure or resolution. Never. I learned that no contact works even with kids. I responded to sane remarks/communication about our kids and about the business necessities surrounding our house sale. I ignored the crazy communication about the kids and ALL the other crazy rants and emails - and there was a lot. I pretty much refused to answer his calls unless the kids were with him (and yes he exploited that) and we communicated by email. Sometimes I would type out a response and not send it, sometimes I would post here for support/help, and eventually I learned to shrug it off. It helps to re-frame those endless rants - they are not about you even though they are so personal. They are about him, his fears, his projections, his inability to cope. You can leave that garbage on the outside of your mental space.
I would imagine myself inside a lovely garden where it was peaceful and sunny. I built a sturdy wall all around it. He was on the outside where it was cold and stormy. He'd fling his garbage over my walls and I'd picture myself just bouncing it back. It could pile up out there, with him. It wasn't mine. Sometimes I would peek over the edge and cry at the devastation and loss but I would not let him or any of his garbage over my wall any longer. I used that imagery a lot - even when my insides felt as stormy as the outside of that wall I knew I wanted that peaceful spot and I had to stay in it and protect it to achieve it.
The only plus side was that while leaving was hard - all that abusive stuff made staying gone easy.
I've been in that exact spot. I understand. My xah did not let up. He hammered that button endlessly. It was hard. Practice not responding. The responding leads down the same awful path each time and there is never any closure or resolution. Never. I learned that no contact works even with kids. I responded to sane remarks/communication about our kids and about the business necessities surrounding our house sale. I ignored the crazy communication about the kids and ALL the other crazy rants and emails - and there was a lot. I pretty much refused to answer his calls unless the kids were with him (and yes he exploited that) and we communicated by email. Sometimes I would type out a response and not send it, sometimes I would post here for support/help, and eventually I learned to shrug it off. It helps to re-frame those endless rants - they are not about you even though they are so personal. They are about him, his fears, his projections, his inability to cope. You can leave that garbage on the outside of your mental space.
I would imagine myself inside a lovely garden where it was peaceful and sunny. I built a sturdy wall all around it. He was on the outside where it was cold and stormy. He'd fling his garbage over my walls and I'd picture myself just bouncing it back. It could pile up out there, with him. It wasn't mine. Sometimes I would peek over the edge and cry at the devastation and loss but I would not let him or any of his garbage over my wall any longer. I used that imagery a lot - even when my insides felt as stormy as the outside of that wall I knew I wanted that peaceful spot and I had to stay in it and protect it to achieve it.
The only plus side was that while leaving was hard - all that abusive stuff made staying gone easy.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by meggem 
Not that I don’t have negative traits about me, but I know what they are, and he wasn’t saying them- he was saying everything I wasn’t – miserable, never happy, only care about myself, negative, selfish just to name a very few. Everything I am NOT. And everything he IS. Now if he would have said – over sarcastic, or always interrupting, or that things tend to have to be my way, or that I think I am entitled to spend money and he isn’t - those things I would recognize as being my negative traits.
In a weird way though, seeing how *not* personal this was helped me find detachment. I realized he was hurting himself more than I ever could & that the best thing I could do for him was to stop engaging.... drop the rope. When he couldn't unload on me, he either had to pick another victim to bully (unlikely, not his style) or deal with himself & all the bubbling-up, suppressed feelings that he could no longer dump off on me.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Big Hugs. Keep moving forward. There are times it hurts, and times it does not nearly as much. When anyone is critical of me as a mother, which I consider my #1 most important job in life, it burns me like nothing else. Take it for what it is, quack.
My X called me a B yesterday. It made me really mad, but instead of engaging I just hung up the phone. He wants to be the victim all the time and I just won't fall for that.
Stay strong, you are doing great.
XXX
My X called me a B yesterday. It made me really mad, but instead of engaging I just hung up the phone. He wants to be the victim all the time and I just won't fall for that.
Stay strong, you are doing great.
XXX
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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He "upped the ante" and "went for the juglar" to finally get to you by Googling "Terrible Mother" and copy/pasted something. Try and brush it off. He's just an evil person and try not to take it personally (I know, it's HARD not to).
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
BTDT many many times.
You have to hit the point where you believe deep down in your soul that there is NO POINT in responding and engaging. Nothing you explain or say will ever make any difference. It takes awhile, and physical separation (in my opinion), to reach that level of detachment. I have no clue how anyone can truly detach while living with an active A or a dry drunk. I don't think I could.
The attacks still hurt but much less.
You have to hit the point where you believe deep down in your soul that there is NO POINT in responding and engaging. Nothing you explain or say will ever make any difference. It takes awhile, and physical separation (in my opinion), to reach that level of detachment. I have no clue how anyone can truly detach while living with an active A or a dry drunk. I don't think I could.
The attacks still hurt but much less.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Hey meggem. I just got sucked into a similar situation where I found myself in the old behavior of trying to justify myself to my ex. He had received the child support papers and a court date and was ridiculously upset about it.
I slipped into my old pattern of trying to "make him understand" and justifying something that is legally my right. My therapist (thank goodness for my appointment today, I really needed it) pointed this out and I immediately recognized it for what it was. He had to put me on the defensive in order to avoid any scrutiny of his shameful behavior.
Great thread, and I agree with others, he is showing you how he feels about himself, none of this is a reflection of you or your parenting skills. Hugs.
I slipped into my old pattern of trying to "make him understand" and justifying something that is legally my right. My therapist (thank goodness for my appointment today, I really needed it) pointed this out and I immediately recognized it for what it was. He had to put me on the defensive in order to avoid any scrutiny of his shameful behavior.
Great thread, and I agree with others, he is showing you how he feels about himself, none of this is a reflection of you or your parenting skills. Hugs.
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