First post - help with walking away
 

I am new to this whole forum thing and am At the point where I will look anywhere for help.
My partner has been sober off and on for quite some time. When he relapses it is no longer a social thing. He will drink to the point of passing out which usually leads to him wetting himself.
I recently (6 months ago) gave birth to our first child. My partner promised to stay sober since his birth and had been up until recently.
He was doing it on his own and not going to meetins.
I recently suspected he was drinking and it progressed over a 3 day period.
It came to a point where I felt I was in danger with my son and decided to call the police. He has since been removed from the home , Cannot contact me or see our son unsupervised for the time being.
I know I made the best decision as he has yet to lose anything ( still kept his job, home, me etc) up until now. He has been out of the house for 4 days. I found out today his grandmother passed away and I took his call as I felt sad for him. He sounds drunk to the point of slurring, crying a lot about screwing things up and having a pity party
I am worried that he will end up drinking so heavily he won't wake up and I so badly want to help him.
I keep trying to tell myself that I should just cut off communicating until he has detoxed and gotten better but I am still so worried
I need to hear that in making the right choice.

Hi Lillie, what an awful position to be in. If you feel yours or your baby's safety is threatened then of course you've done the right thing. From his POV, he's probably not going to seek help unless he suffers some consequences from drinking. It sounds like he's taken advantage of being away from you to sink further into his binge, so it's not promising.
Can I suggest Al-anon meetings, or even a domestic violence counsellor? You need support just as much as he does so don't neglect your own needs while worrying about him.

Welcome Lillie!

It sounds like you are the reliable one! He surely wants to suck you - his A #1 caregiver back in?

Read up on codependency dear heart. It might help you!

Hi, Lillie, and welcome to SR. Glad you found us here, and I hope you find the help you're looking for.

It sounds like you understand that he has to be the one to get sober and that you can't do it for him, and that's a big step right there, one that has taken some of us here a long time to get to. You mention that for now, he's functional and hasn't lost anything (well, other than his partner and his child...). As you'll see in your reading here, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and things will continue to go downhill, so it's smart of you to get off the train now rather than when the inevitable wreck really begins.

Reading as much as you can here, including the stickies at the top of the page, is a good way to educate yourself about alcoholism as well as to find support for yourself. I'd second the recommendation to get to Alanon, also. Having some in-person support as well as online here has been a good combination for me, and it could be for you too.

Again, glad you made it to SR, and I wish you strength and clarity as you move ahead.

Lillie-welcome-you will find support here for sure, I know I have! I agree that you should read up on codependency. The safety of you & your child are the most important thing right now.

I'm still learning & working on my enabling & codie issues (my husband has been clean & sober for 5 months TOMORROW!). I am by no means an expert but these are some truths that I know (thanks in no small part to the awesome peeps on SR).

1) You cannot make your loved one stop drinking whether you are there or not.
2) If your loved one drinks, its not your fault.

Its hard not to ride to the rescue; its hard to listen to the beast inside the AH that will say ANYTHING to get what it wants.

You are doing the right thing, and as hard as it may be, NO CONTACT AT ALL may be the best thing for you both.

Hang in there. Al-Anon wasn't as helpful for me as it is for some, but it DEFINITELY was a starting point-a place to get a hug, get some face to face support, education & information.

Here's a virtual hug.....:grouphug:

Thank you all for your responses. The reassurance makes me feel so much Better
this may seem like a silly question but when people say to read up on codependency.. is there some references on this site? any suggestive books?

Reading your op made me think of my ex, who was a binge drinker. I don't think your husband is "sober off and on" I think he is a binge drinker, which is just a different pattern of alcoholism. My ex has progressed to the point in his disease where he is drinking daily to the point of blackout/pants wetting/ etc.
As far as references, if you go to the home page for this forum, you will find the stickies at the top of the page. Those are a great resource, lots of helpful information.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a classic which is frequently recommended here.