Bellajack4

Why do I keep doing this to myself. Almost 3 months no contact and then...a text. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I was actually doing well. Low days weren't as low as before, didn't cry everyday anymore, I worked out everyday, endorphins flowing inside to help me...and now. "I love you and miss you" and I haven't workout in 2 days, cried a little today, and I'm missing him so much it starting to hurt again. I don't know why I care so much what happens to him. I know he is a grown man who can take care of himself. I know in my heart of heart he is still with the roommate. So why?
Why now? Why text me and then disappear again? Why? I ask myself why do I care so much, I deserve better. I deserve to be happy and to be with someone who treats me better. I deserve better.

dandylion

You are probably still grieving, at 3months...but don't this derail you from your goal.

He e-mailed you because of his swollen and selfish ego-needs.

People demonstrate themselves by their actions.

dandylion

honeypig

bellajack, keep on re-reading your avatar. Those are some wise words.

Keep on keeping on. You can do it.

Bellajack4

Any idea what it is they want? I know they want to drink, he has someone who is there for him so what does he need from me? I don't understand. Am I missing something? What am I not getting. He is getting sex and alcohol, so what does he need from me?

Rosiepetal

Yes you do deserve better & wow your Avatar is brilliant.

biminiblue

When people are under the influence, the rest of us can't really understand their minds.

He may not even know he texted you.

Can you block him? I don't know your story, but that's what I did with an ex.

ladyscribbler

This. I took all my ex's stuff sooooo personally. It really clouded my thinking. At least half the time he was blacked out and had no memory of what he actually said or did, the rest of the time he has to rewrite history in order to feed his "poor me" narrative where all his problems are caused by other people and never by his drinking and poor decision making.
It took time and a lot of Alanon for me to understand that none of it was ever about me. It was about him and his disease.

iamthird

We will never be able to understand that mind of an addict. We can only focus on ourselves.

Pia

Please know this is said with love from me.

If you don't block him and respond you will continue to feel bad.

You will find he will do this to you several more times. He is testing the water .There mind are not normal.

Bellajack4

Ouch... I didn't even think that he could have texted me drunk and that he doesn't even realize what he did. It hurts to hear that but that is probably what happened.
Thank you all for the support and honesty. I can do this. I know I can.

Bellajack4

I want to block him but I can't get myself to do it yet. I made a promise to him that I would be there to help him get his life back when he is ready. Is that stupid if me?

Pia

Ok I understand however, how many promises has he broke? How is it Ok to have an affair?
IMO this isn't about morals and keeping your promises
Its about loving your self to walk away.

Sungrl

He knows how to get ahold of you if he really wants help. He does not, he wants to keep stringing you along. Maybe he had a fleeting moment of realizing what he was missing and just threw that out there. He is keeping you an "option"

You described how great you were doing with out his BS. Why let that end??
Pick yourself back up, get this little blip out if your system and Block him. He is not doing you any good. He is detrimental to your well being.

Trust me if and when he is ready to make the commitment to get sober he is not going to send you some random meaningless text. He will come knocking on your door sober and humble and ready for action.

BBTaco

Hi Bellajack, I'm also in NYC with a similar situation. I haven't been able to block him, I'm too afraid I'll miss the "I love you and I'm sorry" text. Haven't heard anything from him in 3 weeks now. I've been so upset, even though he has done this many times over the 5 years we have been together. Have you blocked him? What's helping you the most?

dandylion

SUNGIRL SPEAKS THE TRUTH. ESPECIALLY THE LAST SENTENCE.

HUMBLE AND SINCERE ACTIONS---NOT FANCY, YET HOLLOW WORDS.

dandylion

Bellajack4

@BBTaco so far what's work for me is working out, going out with my girlfriends, and work and I come here a lot. Also I realize he did me a favor by breaking up with me. We don't have kids together and I have a job so I can take care of myself and he is giving me a chance to find myself and someone to have a happy relationship with. I have to say those words to myself over and over again, hopefully I'll believe it enough that I wouldn't have to say it anymore and I'll just feel and know that in my heart. It is still hard and I still am not able to block him yet. I know I will one day, it's just that I'm not there yet and I still have bad moments. Hang in there BBTaco, we can do this, I know we can. Huggggggggggggs to you.
Thank you everybody for all your support. It is much appreciated.

AnvilheadII

a good rule to establish is to NOT conduct ANY relationship issues via TEXT. cuz that's well.....lame. isn't it. something you do with your thumbs? how long does it take to text "I love you and I miss you" ? any longer than it takes to text "traffic bad, going to be a few minutes late"?

I know you told him you'd BE there for him to HELP him when he is ready. but are you really qualified to help someone overcome addiction? isn't that better left to the experts? or to AA or other sober based recovery programs? if I understand you two are long distance and you've only visited him TWICE.

you also mentioned you'd like the time to find someone to have a happy relationship with. that will be best done once you have spent some time sorting out your own issues, getting strong secure and healthy in body mind and spirit and then meeting people in real life - people that you get to know over time, that you get to observe over time, that SHOW you who they are. and who demonstrate what you mean to them by their actions, their consistency, their time and attention. and babe, that ain't done with a 16 character text in a three month span.......................

Bellajack4

@ anvilheadII you're right I'm not qualified to help him, for me the kind of help I was talking about would be support. Not everybody here in SR are qualified professional but with all the support I am getting, I am feeling stronger everyday. Yes we only saw each other twice but that doesn't diminish the kind of relationship we had. We spent a lot of time together on Skype, (watch a movie, play games, talk, ...) we would spent hours together a lot. Point is it still doesn't disminish or dismiss the feelings I had for him just because we weren't in the same area code. The feelings of hurt, anger, heart broken, lonelyness, and sadness is still just as real as anybody's feelings are. And I'm not saying I will have a relationship with anybody now, I'm saying I have a chance with somebody else down the road. If I was still with him I would never be with anybody down the road.

AnvilheadII

I was not trying to diminish your feelings....they are real and they are yours. however, even thru Skype...a camera on a computer, you did not spend TIME together except what the lens captured. you were only IN the same area code twice....and if I recall on the second visit he got trashed........

so 50% of the time when you did see him in real life he was......drunk.

you deserve BETTER. and it sounds like you are starting to accept that. we let go bit by bit......one finger at a time!

my husband and I have been together 12 years this October (4.5 years of crack addiction and then clean ever since)....this morning he was up by 6 even tho it's not a work day.....I refused to get out the bed til 8! I made pancakes for breakfast, while he fried up eggs and we watched whatever is on TV at 10am on a Saturday.

then we went down for a nap. rallied about noon - made some more coffee....he went to help the neighbor get an outboard motor fired up, I vacuumed the house and did laundry.....we caught some of the Mariners game....I brined pork chops for dinner which he will grill for us later, unless we decide to postpone the chops and just reheat the leftovers from last night's chicken kabobs.

we SHARED our day, side by side....without doubts or questions or hurt. we cooked, we cleaned, we napped, we schlepped about. there was nothing SPECIAL or unique or even really note worthy about today....yet it's a fabulous day so far.

Bellajack4

QUOTE=AnvilheadII;4803696]I was not trying to diminish your feelings....they are real and they are yours. however, even thru Skype...a camera on a computer, you did not spend TIME together except what the lens captured.

I would like to think that you are not diminishing my feeling, with that statement it feels like a diminish of my feelings . I thought I would post the definition of however.

how·ev·er
houˈevər/
adverb
used to introduce a statement that contrasts with or seems to contradict something that has been said previously.
"...they are real and they are yours. however, even thru Skype...a camera on a computer, you did not spend TIME together except what the lens captured. "
synonyms: nevertheless, nonetheless, but, still, yet, though, although, even so, for all that, despite that, in spite of that;

I get it we didn't SHARE our days together in the flesh, we didn't watch a movie on the couch in the flesh together but we did watch a movie at the same time and talked about it at length. We read a whole bunch of books to each other and taught each other a few things. He was on the phone with me for hours while a mourn a loss of someone who was very important in my life and talked me out of my grief. I was there for him when he was going through some rough patches in his life. We didn't do grocery together in the flesh, I or he did grocery with the other on skype. No, I didn't get to make supper for him, wish I did but we still spent time together in each other's ear while on Skype someday 10 hours. But you're right it's not the same as what you have with your husband. You are very lucky.