CowgirlBenge

Hello,
I am new to this site, and very glad to have found it. I have read many posts and found that my problem is very common.

I have been married for a month now. My husband loves his beer. He doesn't drink during the week due to his job, however the weekend rolls around and his main priority is "drinking and relaxing". This usually turns into something far from relaxing; he usually finds about 4 things that tick him off, and then he seems to be "hell bent" on stirring up an argument.

If I avoid the comments, then of course, he thinks I'm ignoring him. If I speak up, then he thinks I'm not seeing his side to the problems. He seems to become someone totally different than he was prior to having his first beer. I can sit down with him and show him the bills, the budget, the reciepts and show him where every penny in our household has gone to, yet when he is drinking, he automatically claims that I'm blowing the money. It's crazy.

He has a certain action that tells me he's in one of those moods, I would like to know how do I put the fire out before it starts?? What do I do, walk away, sit and take the put downs and comments? If I bring it up the next day, he denies ever starting an argument or even saying anything out of the ordinary. How does one cope with this? Is this new marriage already doomed? I appreciate any advice. Thanks.

Cowgirl

Daffodil

Cowgirl!
Hi and welcome to SR's forum for family and friends of alcoholics.

None of us can begin to tell you what to do, each of us has to find our own way. One thing I do know is that I'd rather it be someone else's behavior rather than mine. If I am ranting and raving, or sulking and not talking, it becomes my behavior. I had to learn to put the ball back in their court. Takes practice but it is possible.

"OH" is a wonderful noncimmital word to almost every subject. "Oh MY!" is one I use alot when they are telling me (for the upteenth time) about how bad their day was. If they bring up something they want me to do that I defineltly don't want to do, I rely on, "I'd rather not." Now I know those seem pretty simple but for me they work a lot of the time. I didn't learn them all at once but I've been around the block a few times.

Going to Al-Anon meetings, reading the literature, having a sponsor has help me to live with an alcoholic. In the beginning it seemed as though nothing worked but I was doing the same thing over and over expecting different results everytime. I got very sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then the pain just got so bad that I had to try something new. That's when I tried Al-Anon. It works for me. So you might want to give it a try. I am sure there is a group close by you.

Know that you are welcome to come here and post anytime. You are only alone IF you choose to be. We are here 24/7 and someone will come along soon.

We who have lived with the problem drinkers know as few others can. So keep reading and keep coming back.

Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

CowgirlBenge

Thank you, I know I will sleep a little better tonight.
God Bless you,
cowgirl

moonkat

Well if it is anything like at my house, I know I have had the urge to get out the video camera for documentation. Then when he is sober I would like to roll the tape with my own commentary of "see how much of an ass you are?"

But I know that wouldn't work either......or would it? lol

CowgirlBenge

I have a small recorder that I've often thought of using when he is spouting off; I guess I somewhat fear the outcome of it. I know that alcohol can intensify someone's anger; I wouldn't want him to know at the moment that he's being recorded. Then I wondered how he would react after listening to it being sober.

I did record my ex boyfriend a couple of years ago. He kept calling and harassing me, so I used the phone mic and recorded his "obsessive and very sick behavior". When it was played back, he decided he needed to get help. He never bothered me again. LOL

Thanks for the smiles
Cowgirl

paula a.

Hey Cowgirl, I feel your pain. This place will help, the people here are a tremendous source of strength. Read the stickys at the top of the forum--there is a lot of clarity there!
Hugs,
Paula

Lorelai

Day -
It is great to find a bunch of people who know exactly how you feel - isn't it? Sure made me feel a lot less looney!

His drinking is his deal. You don't have to wrap your life around it if you don't want to. You don't have to spend time trying to get him to not drink. If he's going to drink, he is. It's his decision and there's not anyway you can trick him into not doing it long term.

One line I use a lot is "I'm sorry you feel that way." It doesn't imply that I agree with him but doesn't fuel the fire either.
Glad you're here -
L

CowgirlBenge

Thanks everyone, this site has really helped me gain some insight on the issues in my life. I was married to an alcoholic 15 years ago; I have 2 children by him. Our marriage didn't last but 5 years. It was a night mare. I don't want to go through that again.

I didn't expect to get married to someone else with a drinking problem; I knew he drank; I have several family members that like to drink on weekends, barbque and so on, he seemed to fit in real well with everyone. I believed he drank responsibly. About 4 months into the relationship and being inseperatable, the demons started coming out. It was an everyday drinking binge.

He decided to go back on the road (truck) so that way he wouldn't drink so much. I thought that was a big step for him. Things began to look brighter. 6 months of brighter days... Then our wedding date got closer, we had a fallen out, the drinking had been above and beyond overboard... and he left. We talked on the phone several times and I asked him "are you drinking to drink away the problems that you feel we have"? He paused for a moment, then told me that he's asked him self a dozen times, "do I drink because I have a problem, or is my drinking the problem"...he began seeing things in a different light. We got married, we had a few weeks of wonderful times, then it's back to the same old drawing board. The six pack became the 12 pack, the 12 pack became the 20 and now...I'm sure he'll show up this evening with a 30 pack. I like to have an occassional beer, especially if I've been fishing, or if we are having a barbque, but I can't even look at the stuff now, because of what I've seen with him.

I've gone over and over in my head the last 24 hours, "this is his choice, not mine", I don't have to tollerate it, I don't have to sit around and be the person that he takes his problems out on. I know who I am and what I want out of life, my home and my marriage...Part of me feels that in the long run, our marriage will end due to his problem, but I won't make excuses for him, and I won't let my self esteem suffer any longer.

I really love this place. I don't have the opportunity to go to any meetings at this moment (location, location, location...LOL) so, this is a step for me to get some help for my self and find myself again. Thanks for the support, and I will be back later to visit again.

Cowgirl

Magichappens

Hi cowgirl,
Welcome. If you can't get to meetings, there are some fantastic books that helped me. Check out the power-posts and the top of the forum. There is a book list. My favorite Al-Anon book is "How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics." There are a lot of tools that Al-Anon has given me that help me to handle the challenges I face in my life. Glad you joined us! Hugs, Magic

CowgirlBenge

thank you