Saying "no" makes me a B
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Wow, some neighbor. If putting yourself first, standing up for yourself and enforcing boundaries to protect yourself makes you a "B" then so be it. Surround yourself with positive people who make you feel good about yourself and limit your contact with people who take away your happiness. You deserve it !!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
"When people-pleasers stop pleasing people, people aren't pleased." Someone here said that.
It's amazing how afraid people are of change. Even if it doesn't involve them. It's like they think it's contagious or something.
It's amazing how afraid people are of change. Even if it doesn't involve them. It's like they think it's contagious or something.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I wrote back a lot time ago, how I have changed and that I am "losing" many friendships because of it....now I get it....I am not that doormat for them to use any more....
I rather be healthy then with all of these toxic people in my life....
you found YOUR BACK BONE!! good for you!!
I rather be healthy then with all of these toxic people in my life....
you found YOUR BACK BONE!! good for you!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
One of the best things I learned in my Family Recovery group was "NO is a complete answer". Meaning it's perfectly okay to say No. We don't need to justify, rationalize, explain. If we're not comfortable with something...we say No.
That was hard at first. And my counselor warned me when I starting holding boundaries and saying No, things would get a little worse for people initially. He was right. But almost 2 years later, people now know I mean "Yes" and I mean "No'. It does get easier...and it takes a HUGE weight off your shoulders when you can speak your truth.
That was hard at first. And my counselor warned me when I starting holding boundaries and saying No, things would get a little worse for people initially. He was right. But almost 2 years later, people now know I mean "Yes" and I mean "No'. It does get easier...and it takes a HUGE weight off your shoulders when you can speak your truth.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Blossom717 
So since I've come back home I've seen a change in people. The people I see everyday. To say a little bit about me, and I guess my codependent ways, I'm a doormat. I let people say rude things to me, take advantage of me, you know.
Since I've been on here and reading al-anon material, going to church and going to a few al-anon meetings, I have decided I won't let people do that to me. I'm not sticking up for myself in every instance that I could, but I'm working on it.
Tonight my neighbor ("jokingly") told me that they need to switch my meds because I've changed and I'm becoming a B-----. I told her my meds are fine (I take Prozac and Adderall for depression and ADD) and that part of going to al-anon is me saying no when I don't want to do something, and so on. She told me I should stop going. HA.
I didn't even say anything rude. I was just sitting there with her, ABF and watching the kids playing. ABF was stoned from smoking marijuana (his new "sobriety") and I asked him a question. She said I was ruining his buzz. Pretty sure she'd freak if her husband was high. But you know, i'm the one who should have to deal with an addict, I'm a bad person if I decide I don't want to live like this anymore.
I'm just venting. I think its kind of ironic that the people I've always heard no from are mad when I say no.
I also think that it's ironic because I no longer care, If they don't like me for who I am, why should their opinion matter?
Since I've been on here and reading al-anon material, going to church and going to a few al-anon meetings, I have decided I won't let people do that to me. I'm not sticking up for myself in every instance that I could, but I'm working on it.
Tonight my neighbor ("jokingly") told me that they need to switch my meds because I've changed and I'm becoming a B-----. I told her my meds are fine (I take Prozac and Adderall for depression and ADD) and that part of going to al-anon is me saying no when I don't want to do something, and so on. She told me I should stop going. HA.
I didn't even say anything rude. I was just sitting there with her, ABF and watching the kids playing. ABF was stoned from smoking marijuana (his new "sobriety") and I asked him a question. She said I was ruining his buzz. Pretty sure she'd freak if her husband was high. But you know, i'm the one who should have to deal with an addict, I'm a bad person if I decide I don't want to live like this anymore.
I'm just venting. I think its kind of ironic that the people I've always heard no from are mad when I say no.
I also think that it's ironic because I no longer care, If they don't like me for who I am, why should their opinion matter?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I'm a doormat.
One of the interesting things I've learned by being able to observe my three DS's girlfriends is their reaction to AH. they start out thinking he's the coolest guy ever, and slowly they start to question his behavior. I've heard, second-hand through my sons, their comments that they simply can't tolerate some of his behavior, such as the way he drinks (like, at 9am), and mostly his lack of boundaries and respect.
My new DIL in particular is very vocal and has ZERO tolerance for his bad behavior. Interestingly, now SHE is the family B***H in AHs eyes. It's not that he is exactly the way she describes--it's that SHE is just a B. No ownership for his actions.
I think there are two kinds of Bs--the kind that really are mean complainy-pants people, and then there's the kind that simply stand up for themselves and don't suffer fools. I aspire to be the second kind.
I really identified with what you wrote.. and your question: if you are now this new person who is standing up for yourself, who cares what others think?? That's funny, because I also relate to that. I think if you can start catching yourself in those moments when you act in your own rational self-interest, and then your mind goes into defense mode if someone doesn't like it, just examine that feeling and put it where it belongs--behind you! And keep going, straight out of Doormat Land and into Do-you-think-I-care-what-you-think-Land.
One of the interesting things I've learned by being able to observe my three DS's girlfriends is their reaction to AH. they start out thinking he's the coolest guy ever, and slowly they start to question his behavior. I've heard, second-hand through my sons, their comments that they simply can't tolerate some of his behavior, such as the way he drinks (like, at 9am), and mostly his lack of boundaries and respect.
My new DIL in particular is very vocal and has ZERO tolerance for his bad behavior. Interestingly, now SHE is the family B***H in AHs eyes. It's not that he is exactly the way she describes--it's that SHE is just a B. No ownership for his actions.
I think there are two kinds of Bs--the kind that really are mean complainy-pants people, and then there's the kind that simply stand up for themselves and don't suffer fools. I aspire to be the second kind.
I really identified with what you wrote.. and your question: if you are now this new person who is standing up for yourself, who cares what others think?? That's funny, because I also relate to that. I think if you can start catching yourself in those moments when you act in your own rational self-interest, and then your mind goes into defense mode if someone doesn't like it, just examine that feeling and put it where it belongs--behind you! And keep going, straight out of Doormat Land and into Do-you-think-I-care-what-you-think-Land.
Behold The Power Of No 
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I just posted today's Al Anon reading and I thought of you and this thread 
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4801175
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4801175
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