Butterfly

Thank you theuncertainty i know im not ready yet but i am starting to think along those lines.

Jarp already started to read them and have book marked the page. Its nearly 1 am and i dont think i can take any more info on board today. My exah always told me never again still does and has now started to say it to the kids when hes upset them. It was his favourite line alo g with i really mean it this time i wont put you through that again!!!

When i said to him earlier that i know hes not in love with me and doesnt want to be with me his reply was those are your words and assumptions not mine. Thinking back on it it was almost as though he oanicked oh she cant think that then i wont be able to go home if i decide ive had enough of being on my own. Then he reverts back to the fluff as you say lol. I think i would be the same if he gave me a direct answer i would think hes only saying that because he doesnt want to keep me dangling and hes trying to protect me he really does love me lol. How our crazy minds work eh.

I do think he loves me but his addiction is so much stronger than any love he feels for me and the kids. He complained yesterday how he wants to see more of the kids yet he never makes an effort to spend more time with them and he was off on leave recently and instead of spending most of his time with the kids he spent 3 hours with my son one day then another hr another. He had promised to take our son for breakfast but didnt confirm what time with him. He then texted the next morning at 8am now what teenager is awake at 8am or before lunch time at the wekend and he knew he wouldnt be. The rest of the time i know for definate he spent 2 days at his scummy mates house drinking and probably went back at some point on a few more occasions to drink. My daughter wants nothing more to do with him. I dont think it will be long before my son feels the same, he said to me the night before he was to go for breakfast that his dad hadnt confirmed and that he probably wouldnt be going if dad was drinking!!

Its easier not knowing what he is up to and i find that i dont really care anymore as long as it doesnt affect my kids.

Apologies for all the spelling mistakes but i am too tired to fix them so off to bed for me.

mauihope

Butterfly, I know its hard. We know them (or who they used to be) and of course, there always seems to be something else going on with the drinking. The drinking is usually masking some other symptom.....its a drug, that is what is supposed to do. My h has a lot of difficult family things going on, along with some type of undiagnosed mood disorder. I think that if I leave him, with all of this going on, what kind of person does that make me? What if he had cancer, would I leave him? The difference is, if he had cancer, he would probably be getting treatment for that. For me, that is part of the problem. The denial of the problem and the unwillingness to treat it.

We can only do so much. I have had the same conversations over and over again with my h. I finally asked him if he thought he had a problem. He was wishy-washy and gave me a bunch of excuses. So, I am continuing on with my life and the kids life. The kids and I will be doing a few more local trips before school starts. I am not waiting for him to change. If he changes, great. I want him to be healthy and happy. But if he doesn't, thats ok too. He does not control me anymore.....I am in control of myself. And if I feel different tomorrow, thats ok too. Feelings and emotions pass through us....

Take each moment as it comes and it's ok not to have all of the answers now.

peace

HopefulFaithful

It was hard but I told him that while he is drinking I want nothing to do with him except when it comes to the kids and that if he is ever serious about giving up drink and seeking proper support I will support him through it!


KIDS... put the KIDS first and go to Alanon or Coda and if your kids are old enough to go to Alateen...then they should... or some support group. Celebrate Recovery has a kids program. But... you need to get perspective on this and how to take care of yourself and teach strength to your kids emotionally ...
He is going to do what he is going to do..

Butterfly

So was updating my friend today about everything that has been going and she views that what he is really saying is that "if you let me drink when I want, don't go on at me to give up then il come home". She also thinks that he's trying to keep me hooked with all his I don't knows, I'm depressed, and all his self pitying about how he brought his all on himself and it's all his fault so tough sh$t on him etc as he knows I love him and worry about him. I'm not sure if that's what he's saying but she also agrees with everyone here that I need to have absolutely no contact with him to show him I'm not going to be here for him when he wants to see me and then disappear to do what he wants when he wants. She is so funny and so direct when she talks about him you can hear the anger in her voice. She gets angry as she views that he has never tried to give up alcohol yes he has given up for a week or so but that's not giving up that's having a break before he starts again. He has never sought help and I have to agree with her.

So here we go day 1 of cold turkey, I almost caved today already as he didn't reply to my last message yesterday I wanted to make sure he was ok but I didn't as that is probably wants he wants and he will be thinking she has caved before so she will again, hopefully not except if I have to talk to him about the kids that will be our only communication there really is nothing more that can be said between us unless he decides to get sober!!

dandylion

Butterfly, I'll bet he will be "shocked" when you are not hovering over him to make sure he is o.k. Should be interesting.

dandylion

Butterfly

I'm not so sure he may actually be relieved that I'm not torturing him. He's not like other exAH that I have read about on this site he hasn't begged me to let him come home, to forgive him, he hasn't been telling me he loves me etc and bombarding me with phone calls and texts. At times I am relieved he hasn't been torturing me and other occasions I think he must really feel nothing for me he's just walked away and nothing. It hurts that the losing his wife and kids hasn't made him wise up and think I really need help how could I do that so I can drink but I am slowly understanding the power alcohol has over an individual.

Feeling very tearful the last few days a friend asked me how everything was the other day and I couldn't even talk without tears coming to my eyes. Feeling very sad again but I guess that is to be expected.

hopeful4

The No Contact gets easier as you continue, I promise.

I understand the sympathy for them, the whoa is me they do, they are so depressed, etc. I was going to file for divorce and my XAH's mother passed away. He spiraled out of control, then reigned it back it. That offset a year of relapse. He used her death as an excuse. I know it was hard when she passed, and he misses her. However, she is turning in her grave at his drinking some more, I promise that.

What I told him is that it will always be something that sets off relapse. Death, joy, celebration, season changes, holidays, you name it. I personally could not go another second and fear all of those things b/c I knew it would result in relapse. I have too much life left in me for that, and I am betting you do too.

Be strong my friend.

Butterfly

Yes there will always be an excuse for him to drink and he's using his uncles death, his depression, confusion and the self pitying as an excuse to drink and believe he will never be able to quit. But I do know that he doesn't want to and that's the bottom line for me. I know I'm not ready to apply for a divorce but I do think about it and one day I will be ready.

Yes I have to much life left in me and I am determined that he will not come home if he is still drinking and with everything I've said to him about wanting home I have never said oh you can come home and keep drinking I know for sure I don't want that life.

Patriciae

Hi Butterfly,

I would like to suggest that you attend Alanon meetings, because this isn't about him and what he does or doesn't do.....this is about you, and what you choose to do or not do.

Alcoholism is a disease, and it not only affects the alcoholic, it affects everyone who comes in contact with the alcoholic, especially family and friends.

Your husband is mentally obsessed with alcohol, he has lost the ability to choose to not drink and has no clue what love is..... his only love right now, is alcohol. And until he gets sober and in recovery, he will put alcohol in front of people, places and things in every area of his life. Because that is what alcoholism does to a human being. He is not a bad person, he is a sick person.

Alanons are mentally obsessed with the alcoholic and have lost the ability to choose to focus on their own life. Until one gets into recovery, they will put the obsession with the alcoholic ahead of everything that matters, thinking that they can get this person sober, somehow, someway. The only one who can get the alcoholic sober, is the alcoholic! His drinking has nothing to do with you, he is drinking because he is an alcoholic and has lost the ability to choose to NOT drink.

Please call Al-Anon World Wide, its a Toll Free number 1.888.425.2666 - press 3 to speak with an Al-Anon member who will be happy to give you information about where a face to face Al-Anon meeting can be found in your area and they can send you an Al-Anon meeting list book with all the meetings in it.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it! So take care of you and put your own recovery first

Butterfly

I know all about how alcoholism controls my exAH I have been reading so much and have been given so much advise on here since he left over 4 months ago. I know that he has to be the one that seeks recovery. I do think he loves me but I also know that alcohol is his first love and his fear of living without it scares him more than living without his wife & kids.

His drinking doesn't help his depression or his confusion and makes it impossible for him to think clearly as he is either under the influence of alcohol, suffering the after effects or craving alcohol.

Alanon is not for me I don't like groups and my nearest meeting is too far away to travel.

HopefulFaithful

Butterfly.. I am not trying to be a meanie to your alcoholic beau/husband.. but
you have KIDS ... I am a survivor of an abusive relationship and have been in counseling.. group counseling... and learning about the patterns of abusive relationships. So.. that is the bias from which I am speaking to you.
WAKE UP.

You say "she is so funny you can hear the anger in her voice" when talking about your friend. You sound SO MUCH LIKE ME 4 years ago. I had trouble showing anger towards abusive behavior of my now ex husband. We have kids, it was complicated... but the point is...

I see you seeing your friend having the ANGER YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FEEL>.. but you cannot feel that anger or express it or own it or the sadness or anything because of something kind of like Stockholm syndrome... where you are so enmeshed with the abuser.. have thrown your own needs under a bus for so long... have lied to yourself in tiny little ways to protect the kids, protect what the world knows.. maybe to protect his job or whatever you are protecting.. fear of being alone?? I don't know...

But ... I see this... plain as day. Some day you will probably see it too. Please forget about what he is doing, stop following his play-by-play and realize that YOU are in a crisis and YOUR KIDS are in a crisis because of living in an abusive family system. Go to CODA (co dependents anonymous) go to Alanon. If you have access to a real licensed therapist go. If you have access to a minister or rabbi with professional counseling experience.. go. Go get the help you need to see that you are being manipulated and that you are having trouble feeling angry about the manipulation. You are in so deep you have lost track of your feelings. So so many of us have been there. It is okay to love the man... but take a vacation from him while you gather some strength and figure out how you lost yourself and lost being able to be strong for your kids... and this may take a few months to get a little bit of reality about. It is very very hard when you love an alcoholic or other addict.

I still love a few alcoholics but if I choose to let their drama interrupt my life or not.... that is another story. My ex husband the abuser is not even an alcoholic.. but the son of two alcoholics and somehow picked up abusive patterns...

I know you are in pain. I give you a big long hug and and shoulder to cry on and a kick in the pants. All at once. Stop ... stop letting his mess determine your day. This is true whether he lives in a tent in your backyard or you don't talk to him.. you have to stop letting his mess run your day.

The way you get the strength to know what that is, it to go to get help. A therapist, a private one would be ideal followed by a couple meetings a week maybe one alanon and one coda... and any meeting you can get your kids to.

I am not mad at you for not seeing that you are unable to even feel your feelings.... I am hearing a woman who sounds exactly like I did when I did not know how to make my ex husband stop abusing me and and the kids while he was still living here. The abusers can have a mountain of good intentions... you may not choose to have time to deal with the little web of stories he tells himself right now because it is your time to get you well and for you to begin healing and help your kids along the healing path.

He will continue to do whatever he wants to do ... and you just have to get your own help for you and your kids no matter what he does or does not do.

I just read that you think the meetings are too far away. I bet something is close enough even if you go to AA. I bet there is a licensed therapist in town or a minister or rabbi. If not... then start something with the online community...but i really think that you need an in person meeting with a licensed therapist for now.. something to get you over this initial post traumatic period. If you had cancer you would not say the doctor is too far away right now.

Butterfly

Hi hopefulfaithful thank you for your post. I do express my sadness and I very much feel sad and that I can express lol and I am starting to feel feelings I haven't felt in a long time yes I bottled up my feelings didn't want to cause trouble or cause arguments dealt with his feelings and ignored mine but not any more. When I do feel angry I walk it off I talk to him as if he was in the room with me I shout scream and cry to get rid of it I don't want to feel angry all the time!! Yes I worry about him I love him, I love the man he can be and know he is deep inside but I also know that that man is long gone and I now have a husband who is so consumed by his addiction he can't think straight he is lost to his addiction therefore he is lost to us and he may never find his way back. I have days were I feel strong and empowered and there are days were I want to crawl into bed and never see the world again, but it's only been four months since he walked out. Yes initially I fell apart I cried all day and wasn't much of a support to my kids they supported me and I wouldn't have gotten through those first few months without them, they are 16 & 20 but I did the best I could!! I am now in a much better place and stronger in myself and my determination that he will not come home unless he has given up alcohol and is engaging in support whether that be AA or counselling. I no longer cry all day every day and I am the strength for my kids yes I have bad days but who doesn't who is going through this situation.

I am on a waiting list for counselling and will hopefully been seen very soon thank goodness I do need to talk to someone to help me through the next stage. Group sessions are not for me I feel awkward and uncomfortable and due to the distance it is too expensive for me.

I was scared initially to be on my own and the loss of my hopes and dreams with my exAH and still am at times but I am slowly getting used to being on my own and trying to discover new hopes and dreams that are no longer linked to my exAH and out future. It's one day at a time for me and that's all I can handle at this time and I am ok with that.

FeelingGreat

Butterfly, I can sort of see whats going on in his head, maybe because I'm an alcoholic myself, although sober. When I was drinking, the thought of stopping was very very scary. You like it so much you think you'll never be able to stop and you don't want to. I'm sure he does love you and the children, but maybe your relationship was such that he thought he could get away with keeping the drink and his family. That's unrealistic, but he thinks of you staying the same, rather than becoming stronger and more independent.
Even if you love drinking, you can choose to get treatment, trusting you can succeed with proper help from doctors and counsellors. He's just not willing to try at the moment, which doesn't leave you much choice about moving on with your life.

Butterfly

Thanks feelinggreat. I do think he loves me & the kids it think he did think he could keep living the way he was when he was at home as I would let him manage his drinking how he thought he could manage it so when he said I don't need help I can manage it although I didn't believe him each time I kept thinking this time will be different of course it never was.

He's not in the right place to seek help and choose sobriety his self esteem is in the gutter and he feels he's worthless and has nothing to offer me, and while he's drinking and refusing to seek help he is right he has nothing to offer me except hurt. He has no confidence in himself that he can stop because he has failed so many times before but the more I think about it he never really tried to stop it was a break to recover from his latest binge, let me think he was serious for a short time and get over his guilt!!!!

FeelingGreat

u

That's very perceptive of you. A true commitment to recovery is not a casual decision to give it a break for a while, it's momentous and life-changing. You can usually tell if you see it.

HopefulFaithful

I am so glad to hear you are on the waiting list for counseling. Maybe you can find a sober living home that he can be referred to. There are a few near me, but they get waiting lists. The alcoholic himself has to call up the sober living home and put himself on the waiting list in my neighborhood, not the wife or gf. Then they take him in and he detoxes, has to commit to a certain number of months and lives there going to AA meetings and doing chores and having a roommate. They are not the lap of luxury that is for sure. But.. they work. You might want to google and see if there are any sober living homes in a 100 miles of your place and if the guy talks to you, tell him to put himself on the waiting list if he is serious about sobriety. Then it is clear...you are not moving in here, you are moving to sober living.