Grumble

I am just days away from my divorce from my alchoholic spouse becoming final. I haven't had much contact with her recently, but she turned up today and went rather crazy at me, declaring that she intended to empty the house of anything of value (I have already given her virtually anything of any value and I feel it is not reasonable to give her any more).

There is still the house to sell but I really do not want to have to meet with or deal with her in person because she is just awful. Does anything think it is reasonable for me to say I am not going to deal with her and I don't want her to come round to the house? We are joint owners, but she doesn't live here any more and has no reason to come here other than to cause me trouble.

I suppose what I am saying is - it is okay for me to say no and completely detach? I know it's a stupid question and I think I know the answer. But I really don't need this as I am feeling so positive. I was even thinking of starting getting out there and dating again - not because I want to settle down with someone, but because I want to get out, meet people and enjoy what life has to offer. Today has set me back.

FireSprite

I think it's extremely reasonable to set this kind of boundary - you are almost divorced & she lives somewhere else. Outside of any legal reasons she would need to be there to be involved in the sale of the property according to the divorce decree (or things along those lines) there's literally NO reason for her to be there at all, right?

I think telling her "no" is perfectly reasonable & acceptable based on what you've shared. And in this case, definitely use "No." as a complete sentence. ((((hugs)))

Grumble

She's still a joint owner of the house, but she has come here when I have not been present and taken things without agreeing it with me first. I don't want to give up any more possessions as I think I have been more than reasonable, as I am the functioning one it will be I that deals with the sale of the house. So there is no reason for her to come here. Beyond causing me stress and anxiety.

This probably sounds silly, but I really don't want to have anything to do with her. The legal stuff can be sorted by my attourney as she only comes to my house to cause trouble and make a scene.

Thanks for your support. I should probably be sad that my marriage will end this week - but I am not. I want off the crazy train and I long for the day when the house is sold and I am in my own apartment with my dogs and goldfish.

biminiblue

Yes, I would have changed the locks when she left.

You are under no obligation to engage with her - refer all issues to your attorney.

Congratulations on reclaiming your life. I am divorced and know how difficult it is. The marriage is over, and for you it is actually a step forward in your recovery.

FireSprite

Heck Yes, I agree with Bimini to change the locks. You are entitled to this boundary just as if you were living in an apartment somewhere that did not have her name on the lease.... would it be OK for her to let herself in & take your possessions then? Definitely not.

Let her deal with your attorney & find out if there's any way you can file a complaint if she continues to bring drama to your doorstep. Ownership doesn't give her the right to make a scene especially when you are working toward resolving the joint property issue (selling, buying her out, whatever).

Grumble

Does anyone think that it is acceptable for me to start internet dating once the divorce is finalised? I don't want to do it to score points or get even (I would never do that to my potential date) but I want to get out there, have fun, meet people and forget about the ashes of my relationship with my alcoholic ex.

I feel ready in my heart and in my head. What has everyone elses' experiences been?

hopeful4

I will say that in my state, unless you had an agreement to it before anything in the home valued at over $100 had to be listed out and split. My X and I agreed, so thankfully we did not have to do so. However, had he come into the house during that time and taken stuff out I could not have stopped him. However, had he done that I would have listed it all out and he would have had to give some of it back. I would definitely check what's legal as you may change the locks but it is not against the law to break into your own property.

Good Luck!

FireSprite

I think that is a really personal decision Grumble. Personally, I think it depends on the amount of Self-work a person has done. I had a good friend rush the process without giving herself time to sit with all the changes in her life & then later admitted she rushed so quickly into something new that the old got carried up & tangled up in the new stuff in ways she hadn't expected.

I've known other people that spent years working through their own issues before even leaving their marriages so they had moved on emotionally long, long before the technicality of the date on a divorce document.