Aw support please!

Old 07-19-2014, 01:18 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Unhappy Aw support please!

Hello everyone I'm writing this from my car! This is how bad the situation has gotten at home. I will start out by saying that I am I innocent in all this... I too was an addict (cocaine) for 2 years straight! I got sober on 1 May 2002 because I joined the United States Army. So, needless to say I ,understand addiction. In 2004 I had an emotional affair with a woman and it was one of my biggest regrets of my life for more than one reason, but apparently, this was the catalyst to my wife's alcoholism. I have tried for several years to get her forgiveness to no avail. When we argue and she is drinking (which is everyday... drinking that is) she always blames me because of that affair. I feel as if I can only be responsible for the actions of myself, not cause and effect. If I am to blame, how long should I be paying penance for my crimes? Everyday is a struggle to get her to understand that my past is my past and I cannot change what had happened, but can only tried to make things better in the present day. Today, I dumped the half-filled bottle of wine down the sink thinking that if she doesn't have the alcohol in the house, she won't be able to get drunk once again... silly me... she had a hidden bottle in waiting. This was all before 10am. I gave her the ultimatum... it's either alcohol or me before I found the second bottle and she said she would quit all the while, sneaking into the other room to get another drink of wine. Long story short, I love my wife, but I can no longer deal with the lying, the constant reminders of my past failures and most importantly, the drinking! Someone please help!
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Old 07-19-2014, 01:38 PM
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Hi jadamstree, I feel for you, what you're going through. I think if you give your wife an ultimatum, you may have to carry it through.
I was the drinker and would throw other problems back at my husband I didn't have to address the real cause. I suspect your wife is not facing up to her drinking and seems like she doesn't want to stop.
There is lots of help for families who have experienced what you're going through, who may be able to help you on this forum.

I think it's time to look after you. You can't go through this every day.
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Old 07-19-2014, 03:08 PM
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Hey man,

First of all -- WELCOME. Sitting in your car sucks, but the fact that you found us is a really good thing. There are people here who have been through what you're going through, both regarding their own addiction and a spouse's or parent's or child's alcoholism.

Secondly: Think back to when you were an addict. Was there anyone other than yourself you could blame for becoming an addict? Was it somebody else's fault that you did cocaine and got addicted?

I'm asking because you sound like you are on some level blaming yourself -- you say your emotional affair triggered your wife's alcoholism.

Here's how I see it: You had an emotional affair. That was a betrayal to her. Guess how many people in the world deal with stuff like that without starting to drink? Just among my friends, I can count three friends whose spouses have had affairs of some kind just this year. None of them chose to deal with it by drinking.

That doesn't make them "better" than your wife. It makes them healthier. And whatever excuses your wife has for her drinking, the truth (which you know, as a recovering addict) is that she drinks because she is an alcoholic. A non-alcoholic might get drunk off their arse if they're sad or hurt or feel betrayed -- but someone who's not an alcoholic doesn't get up and start drinking again the next morning. And the next. And the next.

So please. Stop taking the bait. Stop taking the blame she tries to lay on you. I was the reason my ex drank, too, if you believe him. Forget the fact that he had been drinking daily for 20 years when we met. Forget the fact that he hid his drinking successfully from me until I was pregnant with our first child. In his mind, he drank because -- and you can pick your reason, it was a different one every day. I was fat, I was ugly, I couldn't cook, I had looked at him sideways. Or his boss had. Or the bank teller had.

Drop. The. Guilt.

She is an adult. She is responsible for her choices, and you are responsible for yours. Another thing I've learned here is that alcoholics don't listen. You can tell her till the cows come home that she has to choose between you and the booze. I did that. And I didn't follow through. Guess what happened? He drew the conclusion I didn't mean what I said, and kept drinking.

When I left my ex, he was outraged that I would "just leave him without giving him a chance." Though I had told him for more than a decade that his drinking was breaking our marriage.

Please hang out here and chat with some folks. It's sometimes quiet on weekends, but people will come along and have good thoughts for you. I guess my advice would be don't panic. You don't have to solve it all today. Or even this week. You can think it through, figure out what you want to do. And then do it.
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Old 07-19-2014, 03:29 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR, jadamstree. You're in the right place for information and support in dealing w/alcoholism. Reading here as much as you can, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, is a good start for you.

You say you ended your cocaine use/addiction b/c you went into the service. Did you use a 12-step program? What was your experience w/addiction and recovery? Do you have a support system now, like NA or CA? I ask b/c it sounds like you might be in need of some basic info on alcoholism, in spite of having your own experience w/cocaine.

I'd recommend looking up Alanon meetings in your area and getting to a meeting sooner rather than later. Having some face-to-face support in combination w/SR has worked well for me, and I'd suggest it for you also.

Meanwhile, remember the 3 C's about your wife's alcoholism: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it. She drinks b/c she is an alcoholic, not b/c you had an affair 10 years ago.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you start to find your way thru this.
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Old 07-19-2014, 10:07 PM
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Welcome, jadamstree. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this right now. You've gotten some great advice from others already, but I just wanted to emphasize that none of this is your fault. Her drinking has nothing to do with you. (((Hugs)))
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Old 07-20-2014, 03:31 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
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10 years later is not thee reason your wife is an alcoholic. Just as it was your choice to enter into an inappropriate relationship it was her choice to pick up the bottle to deal with it.

You asked how long should it take for her to forgive you - I am no expert. In my experience of couples that have dealt with the same it has taken around 2 - 3 years to recover from an affair. Not sure if the forgiveness part took that long the regaining trust part did. And have known couples that could not forgive and split. If you can't forgive your spouse for something and are going to hold on to hatred then there is no point to stay together.

Whether that ^^^is what's going on I don't know. What I do know is your wife has used your affair for 10 years as an excuse for her own poor behavior. That's a pretty extreme case of blame shifting.

Sorry you are here but glad you came. I also hope you will start with Al Anon it will help you get through this.
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