Timeiskey

This morning I am angry. I wish I had better control of my emotions and that they weren't running me so right now. As some of you know, my ex abf and I broke up a few weeks ago. I made a bad choice in dating him. I had such reservations. The biggest being distance. I live in a mother-in-law quarters behind a double shotgun and he lives on the bottom floor of that big house.

I am angry at myself. I am angry at him. I am angry at the choices that I made and for all the love and money I have spent in this relationship. I moved here last year with a decent amount of savings. I have gone over everything and realize just how much money I spent on him. That was my choice. But now I have to move and it isn't really my choice- it is a necessity.

Once I spend the money to move, I will be broke. That scares me. I have put myself in a financial pit through the decisions I made and now I am hurt and scared.

I have to move. Last night, while I was relaxing into sleep, I could hear him on the front porch, laughing and carrying on with his friends. I know when he is home and I know when he is gone. I know when he is hiding and when he is not. There isn't enough space here to grieve and move on. I am angry at him for begging me to give him a chance. I am angry that I choose to overlook all my hesitations and fell for his lies. And now I feel like I am the one that has to pay once again while life goes on just fine and dandy for him.

There is such callousness in him, such distance and removal and I can feel it all around me. I have ruined a great living situation on a gamble that I lost and I am angry. Heading to an 11:30 Al Anon meeting. I have to do something, because this anger is taking over now. Hurt and anger...thousands of dollars gone...where is the justice? He will get up and head out for another day of drinking and playing music. The crowds will tell him that he is the greatest guitar player in New Orleans. His friends will confirm that and he will drink on with friends all around. And I will be here, alone and sad with the anger just tearing at the pieces of my broken heart.

Butterfly

Hi allieclaire. What you are feeling is normal and part of the grieving process but please try to be gentle on yourself. We have all entered relationships with our A either knowing about their addiction or slowly becoming aware of it throughout the relationship. We have sacrificed ourselves in caring for them in the hope they would seek sobriety, we have believed their false promises of it will never happen again, I love you so much, please don't leave, I promise I will get help. We believed because we love them and wanted our relationships to work we wanted to be with that person and wanted the best for them. There is nothing wrong with that we have all been there. I understand that financially you are not in a good place and will be worse when you move but mentally you will be. You will be able to grieve in peace and move forward with your own recovery without him living so close. You will have peace of mind and freedom to be yourself rather than be controlled by addiction!! That allieclaire will be priceless.

You are not responsible for his addiction or for his choices.

Go easy on yourself and breath. Hugs

Timeiskey

Confused, thank you so much. After reading your response, my anger broke into sobs as I realize that you are right- it will be priceless to be away from all of this- moving might be expensive, painful and work but it will help me let go and move forward. This site has been so helpful as I work through all of this. Thank you so much.

Butterfly

You are very welcome. This site is fab people on this forum have helped me out so much!! Allow yourself to feel your anger, to cry, to feel sad and to feel joy. Do things you like doing when your not having a good day and if you don't know what you like anymore then this is a great opportunity for you to discover new things.

Your doing great keep going and healing will come. It's baby steps.

HealingWillCome

allie, all of your anger is completely normal and justified. Getting away from him, his behaviors, his friends, is going to help you clear your mind. I went through exactly the same thing while xabf moved a girlfriend into his place. Thank God they ended up moving, but their presence sucked the life out of me. Absolutely sucked me dry. I did everything I could to ignore their presence, but living near them made that virtually impossible. It makes no contact a huge challenge.

The financial stress you'll experience will no doubt be hard, but whew...I can only imagine that it will be far less than the grief you're experiencing right now. If moving brings you calm, it is probably worth every penny. Savings can be built up again. What needs replenishing right now is your emotional bank.

Keep up the fight, allie, and don't be afraid of your fears. What's the famous quote...the only thing we have to fear is fear itself... You will start to take your power back, and you'll get there one day at a time. Hang in there and huge hugs to you. Really glad to hear you're trying Al-Anon. Wishing you a peace-filled Saturday.

schnappi99

I have to be careful with the anger its so easy to slip into resentment for me.. I am increasingly thinking of the close relationship between anger and fear the more space one takes up in my head the more the other is fostered elsewhere- I want to get free of all of it.

But the money angle is another dimension- a couple years ago when the drinking and codie dynamic was really amping up both of us starting making errors in our taxes- big ones, both in 2011 and 2012- very uncharacteristic- forward a couple years and the IRS and state tax people reported them so we got onto the payment plans etc... it meant very tight money for the better part of 2013 right when we were reaching the alcohol/codie crisis point along with her car blowing its engine. I hope you don't have hooks like that come back to get you years after, hopefully the lost & wasted money will eventually be just a bad memory.

Take care.. for my part I liken anger to beating someone over the head with the handle of a sword while I'm holding the blade... its very important that I accept and let go, adjust boundaries as required and not let it fester.