Where do I start?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
Where do I start?
So my boyfriend told me last night that he wants to stop drinking. As what I thought was just a random social drinker in his mid-20s, I asked what prompted that decision. He just said he wants to get healthier and it's something he has been thinking about for a while. He was also saying that he wanted to do it to make our relationship stronger (although we're already pretty strong). The more we talked, the more emotional he got and the more I realized it was a bigger deal than he initially tried to make it. He eventually admitted that he has had a problem with alcohol for a while now, but has been hiding it from me for the last year that we have been in a relationship.
My first thought was "how could I have missed this," and then I started remembering situations that at the time, my gut told me were strange, but that I must have just ignored. Drinking the whole 6 pack anytime he bought one, a shot in the morning before work, etc.
I guess you could say he is a pretty high functioning alcoholic since no one (including myself) has ever really noticed.
I've been doing research all day and trying to learn what if anything I should be doing, but I just feel so helpless. He stopped drinking yesterday and has been feeling awful today (like full on nauseous chills style detox) but says he just needs to get through this part and then he'll be ok. He swears he will never drink again and I don't need to worry. I just don't know what to think or do. If I didn't really notice he had a problem the first time, how would I even know if he relapses? How do I be his support system?
I've been reading other people's stories all day and mine just doesn't seem the same. Other than apparently lying to me about his drinking problem, he's never been someone I couldn't trust. He's always been so reliable and responsible and it's clear that he hadn't told me until now because it's definitely something he's ashamed of. Any advice or ideas? What should I be doing and/ or where do I start? I want to be strong and supportive, but not enabling. I'm just totally at a loss for where to go from here....
My first thought was "how could I have missed this," and then I started remembering situations that at the time, my gut told me were strange, but that I must have just ignored. Drinking the whole 6 pack anytime he bought one, a shot in the morning before work, etc.
I guess you could say he is a pretty high functioning alcoholic since no one (including myself) has ever really noticed.
I've been doing research all day and trying to learn what if anything I should be doing, but I just feel so helpless. He stopped drinking yesterday and has been feeling awful today (like full on nauseous chills style detox) but says he just needs to get through this part and then he'll be ok. He swears he will never drink again and I don't need to worry. I just don't know what to think or do. If I didn't really notice he had a problem the first time, how would I even know if he relapses? How do I be his support system?
I've been reading other people's stories all day and mine just doesn't seem the same. Other than apparently lying to me about his drinking problem, he's never been someone I couldn't trust. He's always been so reliable and responsible and it's clear that he hadn't told me until now because it's definitely something he's ashamed of. Any advice or ideas? What should I be doing and/ or where do I start? I want to be strong and supportive, but not enabling. I'm just totally at a loss for where to go from here....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
Welcome to SR, TCgf. Glad you found us.
There's not really anything for YOU to do at this point. This is his issue and he is the only one who can deal with it. Is he planning on using any type of program to maintain sobriety? Quitting drinking is easy, but staying stopped is not easy, especially if he is an alcoholic. He will need more support than you can give him if he is serious about this.
At this point, there isn't much for you to do other than wait and see what happens. More will be revealed. He may do well for a while, but chances are good that at some point, he's going to lose his momentum and will want to drink. Maybe he'll think that if he stops for a few days or weeks, that he can handle having a few drinks occasionally. That is a dangerous and slippery slope if he is alcoholic. Alcoholics cannot monitor their drinking for long. Eventually, they'll be back to drinking the same amounts as before they quit.
Hope you'll stick around and read a lot of other people's posts. There is a lot of support here.
Any advice or ideas? What should I be doing and/ or where do I start? I want to be strong and supportive, but not enabling. I'm just totally at a loss for where to go from here....
At this point, there isn't much for you to do other than wait and see what happens. More will be revealed. He may do well for a while, but chances are good that at some point, he's going to lose his momentum and will want to drink. Maybe he'll think that if he stops for a few days or weeks, that he can handle having a few drinks occasionally. That is a dangerous and slippery slope if he is alcoholic. Alcoholics cannot monitor their drinking for long. Eventually, they'll be back to drinking the same amounts as before they quit.
Hope you'll stick around and read a lot of other people's posts. There is a lot of support here.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I had to stop drinking when my drinking bothered me, too.
Just know that it is going to be really difficult for him. Let him take the reins on what he wants to talk about regarding his issues. Right now, for a couple weeks, he's going to need to treat himself like he is recovering from an illness. His emotions are going to be all over the place, so don't take it personally.
Having favorite foods and lots of juice and water around will be helpful. He's going to have sleep problems for a while, probably a month or so. He might lash out at you - it's not you - it's his central nervous system trying to recalibrate. It's not going to be easy. Try to learn as much as you can about addiction, but don't try to educate him. It won't go well right now. He has to find his own way.
There are meetings called AlAnon for friends and loved ones of alcoholics. You might find them helpful, look up online.
Patience and understanding are going to be under attack right now. Try to stay calm.
Just know that it is going to be really difficult for him. Let him take the reins on what he wants to talk about regarding his issues. Right now, for a couple weeks, he's going to need to treat himself like he is recovering from an illness. His emotions are going to be all over the place, so don't take it personally.
Having favorite foods and lots of juice and water around will be helpful. He's going to have sleep problems for a while, probably a month or so. He might lash out at you - it's not you - it's his central nervous system trying to recalibrate. It's not going to be easy. Try to learn as much as you can about addiction, but don't try to educate him. It won't go well right now. He has to find his own way.
There are meetings called AlAnon for friends and loved ones of alcoholics. You might find them helpful, look up online.
Patience and understanding are going to be under attack right now. Try to stay calm.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
Thank you all so much for the feedback. It sounds like I just need to be patient.
CodeJob: I'm not really sure what prompted it, but he's been thinking about it for a while and apparently doing some research and reading up on it. He's also planning to move in with me soon so it may have been that he knew he wouldn't be able to hide it for much longer. He mentioned last night that he does have a family history of it.
Biiminiblue:thank you for the firsthand perspective. So far he's been overly nice (probably from guilt). We're at about the 48 hour mark and physical symptoms seem to finally be improving a little but I get what you're saying about the emotions and sleep problems. He has previously had trouble sleeping anyway.
He was planning to go it alone, but I did tell him that my one request is that he gets some additional help. I am worried that I won't be enough of a support system on my own. He's just a little reluctant to share his problems with others.
It's definitely something that has caught me off guard and been pretty unsettling. Patience is not usually my strong suit and I tend to be overly maternal, but it sounds like he kinda needs space and to figure things out on his own. I just wish I had a crystal ball and could know what I'm in for. Thanks everyone
CodeJob: I'm not really sure what prompted it, but he's been thinking about it for a while and apparently doing some research and reading up on it. He's also planning to move in with me soon so it may have been that he knew he wouldn't be able to hide it for much longer. He mentioned last night that he does have a family history of it.
Biiminiblue:thank you for the firsthand perspective. So far he's been overly nice (probably from guilt). We're at about the 48 hour mark and physical symptoms seem to finally be improving a little but I get what you're saying about the emotions and sleep problems. He has previously had trouble sleeping anyway.
He was planning to go it alone, but I did tell him that my one request is that he gets some additional help. I am worried that I won't be enough of a support system on my own. He's just a little reluctant to share his problems with others.
It's definitely something that has caught me off guard and been pretty unsettling. Patience is not usually my strong suit and I tend to be overly maternal, but it sounds like he kinda needs space and to figure things out on his own. I just wish I had a crystal ball and could know what I'm in for. Thanks everyone
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
From my experience, I didn't really know which way was up for a while. Like a month at least.
Anyone who tried in any way to tell me what to do was taking their life in their hands, honestly. It is brutal to come off alcohol. Yes, the tremors and sweating and general sick feeling passes in a couple days - but the central nervous system damage takes a while. It was hard for me to access thoughts, hard to pay attention, hard to string ideas together to have a conversation. I was not myself. Sure, I was nice to people - but I was not in a good place in my head at all. I really hope you will be able to step back and understand that he is not well. He looks okay, the hard withdrawal is passing, but give him at least a month for him to feel even close to normal.
Yes, additional help would be good. It has to be his idea. Everyone knows about therapy and everyone knows about AA. Let him find his own way. You cannot do this for him. Please. This is probably going to be the hardest thing he has ever done. If he has hit alcoholic stages of drinking, he cannot drink again. It takes a long time to accept that, and he may not be there yet.
Anyone who tried in any way to tell me what to do was taking their life in their hands, honestly. It is brutal to come off alcohol. Yes, the tremors and sweating and general sick feeling passes in a couple days - but the central nervous system damage takes a while. It was hard for me to access thoughts, hard to pay attention, hard to string ideas together to have a conversation. I was not myself. Sure, I was nice to people - but I was not in a good place in my head at all. I really hope you will be able to step back and understand that he is not well. He looks okay, the hard withdrawal is passing, but give him at least a month for him to feel even close to normal.
Yes, additional help would be good. It has to be his idea. Everyone knows about therapy and everyone knows about AA. Let him find his own way. You cannot do this for him. Please. This is probably going to be the hardest thing he has ever done. If he has hit alcoholic stages of drinking, he cannot drink again. It takes a long time to accept that, and he may not be there yet.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
Do I try to keep things as normal and routine as possible, or is it better for him to have a fresh start? Like do I try to distract him so he doesn't obsess and stress, or is it better if we make this the center of our world for now?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Please re-read ladyscribbler's posts. Let those points sink in. You shouldn't be changing your life to accommodate his attempt at sobriety and you definitely should not be moving in together until he has some quality sober time. His lack of wanting outside support via AA, Smart, RR, etc. is a huge red flag as well. JMHO.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by TCgf 
He was planning to go it alone, but I did tell him that my one request is that he gets some additional help. I am worried that I won't be enough of a support system on my own. He's just a little reluctant to share his problems with others.
It's definitely something that has caught me off guard and been pretty unsettling. Patience is not usually my strong suit and I tend to be overly maternal, but it sounds like he kinda needs space and to figure things out on his own. I just wish I had a crystal ball and could know what I'm in for. Thanks everyone
It's definitely something that has caught me off guard and been pretty unsettling. Patience is not usually my strong suit and I tend to be overly maternal, but it sounds like he kinda needs space and to figure things out on his own. I just wish I had a crystal ball and could know what I'm in for. Thanks everyone
I absolutely agree that you won't be enough of a support system for him. In fact, it's not your job to be a support system for him. That is what AA and the other recovery groups that were mentioned are for. As others have said, this is HIS thing, not yours. That may sound harsh or uncaring, but it's the truth. If it was possible to love or help an A into sobriety, this site wouldn't exist. Our A's don't have a problem b/c we don't love or care about them enough--they have a problem b/c they are alcoholics, regardless of anything we do or don't do.
I would agree w/your assessment that he chose to tell you about his drinking b/c he knew he wouldn't be able to hide it once you'd moved in together. Another member suggested you hold off on the move until he has some serious recovery time under his belt, and I agree w/that also. You have nothing but words from him at this point, and altho you say you trust him, actions speak much louder than words, something you'll see repeated over and over again here. This thread might prove very helpful to you in the coming weeks: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html Again, this thread may sound harsh and cold to you, but it is absolute gold as far as the truth about an A who may or may not want to get sober.
I can relate to your concern about not being able to tell if he has relapsed when you couldn't tell that he was drinking in the first place. My A is an extremely adept hider too, and for years I had suspicions; however, whenever I asked if he'd been drinking, I was told no. Like you, I felt him to be an honest and trustworthy man, so I pushed my feelings down and went on. It made it all the more shattering and enraging when I found out the true extent of the lies and deception. I felt as if the ground was crumbling under my very feet--everything I had believed about my husband of 18 years was in doubt! And I was mad; man, was I mad! I had pushed aside my gut feelings and felt I had allowed myself to be made a fool of. I was ready to divorce him right then and there in a fury.
You say you wish you had a crystal ball. Well, you may not have that, but you have the next best thing. You have SR. You said you've been reading here and feel that your situation is different. I fear that as things progress, you may find that it's not all that different after all. I'd like to second the recommendation for Alanon for you. Having some face-to-face support can be very useful in combination with SR.
If he's been drinking long enough and heavily enough to be having physical detox symptoms, he's going to have a battle ahead of him. Please reconsider moving in w/your ABF for a while at least--his recovery will need to take precedence for him, and you'll need to take care of yourself. I say this b/c you saw him taking a shot in the AM before work and apparently this didn't seem unusual to you, altho it certainly would to most folks. Is there a history of heavy drinking in your own family or something else that may cause you to have an altered view of what's normal in life?
Wow, that got long--but I hope you find some help here, TCgf, and I hope you continue to come back. I can almost guarantee that you will understand things here differently as time passes, and what seemed to not apply and/or not make sense will become much clearer and more relevant in days to come.
Wishing you strength and clarity!
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