readerbaby71

Hi all.....My BF's 40th birthday was on Tuesday and I planned something special for him. He loves to fish and hasn't done it for a long time. He has no equipment so I took him to a sporting goods store to buy what he wanted. It was a surprise, and I had asked him the day before if he wanted me to surprise him or tell him what I had planned for his birthday. He said "surprise me!"

I also planned a picnic, which he obviously knew about as I was preparing it that morning. He's a really down-to-earth, outdoorsy kind of guy so I knew he'd like that idea. So we get to the store for the fishing gear and license, and when we entered he stopped cold. I didn't know how to read the look on his face. When I think about it now it was almost fear. I told him to pick out what he needed and he said, "can we do this another time?"

I ran for the door. I was confused, hurt and angry. I could barely keep myself from crying. I started driving and just kept my mouth shut. I couldn't talk and I didn't understand what the hell was going on. I felt like an ass because I had said, "you're not gonna be disappointed! You'll love this!"

I was determined not to overreact. and I didn't. He started talking and said stuff like, "I don't even know where to fish around here," and "I don't want you spending all that money when I could buy good stuff much cheaper on Craigslist." I was getting pissed. What were these excuses?

He finally told me that fishing was a huge trigger for him and he still associated beer drinking with fishing. That he also had bad memories attached to it. The last time he went fishing he woke up half in the water and could have drowned because he was so f#cked up he passed out.

It made sense but I was still upset. I couldn't talk. When we got to the picnic area he asked me if he could talk to me about it and that he felt like I was punishing him by being silent. I told him I wasn't trying to punish him and that I felt like a jerk because now I had no present for him to open. He said the picnic was enough, that he loved it. He does not care at all about gifts and birthdays and holidays. I do. It's not that I HAVE to give him something, it's that opening a gift on your birthday makes you feel special. It's exciting. At least to me it is.

Anyway, we talked and things were okay, but I could not keep myself from crying. I have been crying about everything lately. My grandfather who's 93 is not doing well and I really feel bad for my dad. The more I get into meditation and Buddhism, the more emotional I've become. I can't help it. Letting myself sit with bad feelings is something I have rarely done in the past, especially when I was drinking a lot. But there's no way around it. I have to do it this way and it really sucks sometimes. Being comfortable with impermanence is tough too. I feel like I'm getting it and hope to get over this hump of being overly emotional about every little thing.

Going to CA brought out a lot of that too. Seeing my second home and friends who are like family was wonderful, but it was tough leaving them.

In the end it all turned out fine, but I hate it when I have thoughts like, "Why can't things just be normal? Why does he always have to ruin happy occassions?" I feel so mean when stuff like that goes through my head. He is in a very rough patch of recovery right now and he's trying as hard as he can. I give him credit for that. This time of year there's a trigger everywhere he turns and that is NOT easy.

We ended up having a good day but I couldn't help being subdued. It's my own fault for building it up in my mind and having expectations of how things would turn out. Ugh. As hard as I try not to do that sometimes it feels like it's just part of me. I think getting excited about doing something nice for someone is okay, but expecting a certain reaction or outcome is not.

I wish I could stop doing this. I'm working on it, but I am pissed at myself for not being more conscious about the house of cards I was building that was bound to fall. I was also way too hard on myself because things didn't turn out PERFECTLY. I didn't want to lash out so I turned the anger I was feeling on myself. I have to stop that too.

No more surprises. Neither one of us can handle them right now. Thanks for listening.

hopeful4

O RB...I am sorry. It's upsetting when you plan something nice and it does not go that way. However, he was honest with you and that is a really really good thing. If he had picked out the stuff and sat there miserable it would have confused you even more. It sounds like progress to me, painful as it is.

I also think you are making progress. When we have stuffed a lot of feelings for a long time, and they surface, I think it's really normal to go through emoational times. I know I did. I usto come into work crying every single day, and half the time I was not even sure what I was crying about.

I am sorry your grandpa is not doing well. I understand that too. My grandma is 89 and in surprisingly good health for her age. She has just taken a turn for the worse and it breaks my heart to see. It's scary.

I just want you to know I am here, supporting you, praying for you. While it may not look like it, from here it looks like you are doing great!

Tight Tight Hugs my friend!

readerbaby71

Thank you, girl! Now you've made me cry again. Haha. How's your leg? I sprained my ankle and it's so annoying. I can't even imagine having a broken leg or foot right now.

CodeJob

Hugs. I was reading your story and I just knew fishing must have been a trigger for him too. But I agree with you what a thoughtful and caring idea that just went awry bc he has an addiction. Addiction sucks. So does recovery.

None of us are ever going to be 'the same' after dealing with addiction. No matter what side of the fence we are on.

hopeful4

Thanks for asking RB.....

The Leg....the bain of my existence! I am still hobbling around on the crutches, I go back in three weeks, will reassess at that time. It just really stinks and is VERY annoying! It's basically sucking up my entire summer...grr.....

My DD who is 14 had abnormal test results for Rhumatoid Arthritis (sp?) so we see a specialist soon for that. She is scared, I am trying to calm her as this was not a positive diagnosis, but her blood test did come back irregular. It has scared the pants off me honestly but I am just going to wait and see what comes of it with the specialist.

Keep on keeping on girly! You are doing great. No tears, my post was to make you feel better, not worse!!!

Much Love, have a great day!!!

lillamy

I understand your disappointment. I really do. At the same time, what I took away from the story was that he knew why he reacted the way he did and he could identify the trigger and he chose to not go there. That is HUGE. That is a level of insight that's quite frankly impressive. It's a good thing.

My old coworker, when I got upset over something, would always say "bring it back to yourself." In this case, if I were in your shoes (and btw I would probably have reacted exactly like you did), I would ask myself "why did it make me more upset than it made him?".

One of the things that's the hardest to overcome in recovery for me is letting other people have their feelings. In your case, he was OK with the picnic only -- but you were not. Did you possibly go "if I had been him, I would have been incredibly sad and disappointed because I didn't get a present"? See, that's what I would have done. But he's not you. His feelings are different. I've gradually learned to not take on other people's feelings -- but I still have a hard time with not imposing my feelings on others...

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much right now. But I'm glad your BF was happy with the picnic. And very happy he could ID the trigger and avoid it.

FireSprite

Oh, I'm sorry things didn't go as planned. I've done this EXACT thing - made big plans for RAH's bday only to have him way less excited or interested than I hoped & then feel like a schmuck because I didn't recognize that it was ME having expectations that led to those feelings.

If it helps, I've had similar reactions & periods of general weepiness when doing my most intense "internal work". I've been known to sit & cry rivers & not even know why when asked. Processing emotions is strange sometimes, I've learned that the important thing for me is to just LET THEM OUT.

At those times, I also find that I am more vulnerable/empathetic to those around me which is good.... except when it goes too far & I get drawn into their suffering simply because I'm so raw & exposed myself. If your BF is struggling a lot right now, it could be energetically drawing on you without you even realizing it. (like getting too close to an energy vacuum, lol) I sometimes find that I am 'giving' more than I intend to at times like that, simply out of habit of leaning on each other over so many years. I have to consciously separate my energy from his - burn some sage, reiki, etc. Whatever method or tool works for you.

I'm sorry your big surprise didn't go over as well as you would have liked, but it sounds like your BF was really open & communicative about it all so that's a huge plus in my book. It shows a lot of growth on his side, which is really important considering the way he's been struggling lately so kudos to him!

I get where you are coming from though - yeah, great that we can treat it like a "lesson learned" & it could've been so much worse, but dammit, I wasn't looking for a Life Lesson here, I just wanted to plan a simple bday surprise so someone I care about like normal people do. Why is that so hard sometimes?" I get it; I truly get it.

readerbaby71

Exactly! It was just frustrating. I know I take on other people's energy and feelings. I hate to see people hurting, especially those I care about. This thing with my dad and grandfather are a big part of my issues right now. My dad and I have always been very close and he's an amazing person, but he doesn't deal with negative emotions very well. I know he's hurting over his dad, and while I can and do have empathy I am taking on his sadness way too much.

Meditation is helping but all of these mixed emotions are driving me nuts. I think reiki would be a good idea for me. Thanks for the suggestion.

Thanks for your insights, everyone! I feel better already.

CelticZebra

This really resonated for me as I am the one in recovery with my irresponsible thoughts and sunshine triggers for cider yet I have those same feelings for my husband who has PTSD & doesn't even know what triggers his panic attacks
We keep trying to keep things low key but when things are good we want them to continue that way or hope to get even better moments, the downside is sometimes not worth it.
Small, tiny, baby steps on the road to recovery from addiction, illness, co-dependency & the hope for a different future.
Guilt is not good for me and I'm recovering from that too

I'm glad it turned out fine & you have learnt more about ea h other


Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

HealingWillCome

Thanks, readerbaby, for sharing this story. Good thread.

Huge congratulations to him, really, for not accepting your gift, and being honest with himself and you. And congratulations to both of you for communicating with each other. Things could have gone much worse. I'm impressed.

I did something similar one time with xabf. He was in recovery and was using a rubber band on his wrist...you know, the behavior technique where you snap yourself to deal with negative thoughts, etc. He was getting tired of the rubber band because it was conspicuous and nosy people were asking questions. So....I thought, okay (codie jumping in here) what if he could carry something small, but meaningful, in a pocket that he could reach for as a reminder of why he was working on his recovery. Something positive, right? I had some pennies that were minted in the birth years of his kids, him, and a few other significant people in his life. I thought they were perfect. I was kind of proud of myself for this idea and excited to give them to him. But when I did, he had the same kind of reaction your guy did. He finally shared with me that hearing coins jingle in a pocket was a huge trigger for him...reminded him of his violent, abusive alcoholic father who a constant coin jingler. Who knew? I was dejected. I got it, but it still hurt me (my problem not his). He rebounded and was sweet about it, and replaced the coins with a small smooth stone that had positive meaning to him. So my idea turned out to be fine, the item I chose sucked.

Go easy on yourself. I say bravo for sorting through it instead of stuffing it or not owning it. And bravo for sharing because your example helps others, so thanks!

LifeRecovery

For me this has been what my recovery is really deep down about.

Sitting with mixed emotions. Though I hear triggered by a lot of other very, very reasonable things.....I did not feel them for so long that they fermented and got bigger and drove my own addictive behaviors because I did not want to sit with them.

I think recovery is looking pretty good on you both about now.