taaanya

I just had another fight with my bf (surprisingly sober), about our/his life. I told him I just can't stand in the front row and watch him destroying himself and I also gave him all the empty booze bottles, I've found within the past week.

I also told him, it's up to him to make a decision and I just want him to be honest with me, if he can't imagine a life without alcohol (he can't, he said he doesn't want to miss out on a glass of wine with a nice dinner...) I am gone, on the other hand if he would be willing to get sober, he has my mental support.

Of course he got offensive, I did not expect anything else, and he is sleeping on the couch tonight. The discussion came up, because 2 people died on substance abuse within two days in the valley. And I even said to him, that I really don't want him to die in a couple of years from now and I thought, when he heard the news, he might start thinking about it... but it's such a "normal" thing up here, nobody is really surprised anymore. When I walk through this town I can literally point out every second person with either a drug or alcoholic problem. They are all young people though, I don't get it, is it trendy to ruin your life like that?? Your health?? Friendships?? Families?? Does a shot and a beer give you something in return? Maybe a hug?

Well I can't even cry anymore..... I am feeling so alone and helpless, I've spend all of my money to come live with him, moved from Germany to the states, we both were miserable without each other. I gave up my friends and family for him and now I feel like I am too tired to even take another step forwards. So many things and changes happened plus i am still in a bad position, foreign country, no car, not a lot of money, no friends over here... hard to find a way out, and he knows that.

Hammer

First, Alanon for you. Do you know who, what, when, where to go for that?

Do not worry about the money. Alanon is free to start, and then typically folks put a $1 or $2 in the basket, later -- but everyone is fine if you need to stay free. From time-to-time, folks that have it put in a LOT more, and things just go along fine.

There you can (if you choose) learn about Alcoholism, How to take care of YOU, VASTLY improve YOUR life with the Steps Program . . . on and on. Just go. Some folks here evade and rationalize not going for months, just to finally go later. Go Early and then YOU start getting better faster.

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mkay, as for the rest, and why Vail. (jmho) Affluzena. That in a US joke phrase of combining Affluence, or Wealth + Influenza, an illness.

Also known as the Idle Rich, or Wealthy. As the writer of Proverbs noted -- "Idle Hands are the Devil's Workshop." Not that they are bad folks, many just lack direction, and can afford the various addictions, and so that becomes a very self-destructive recreation.

hopeful4

My prayers are with you. I encourage you to continue seeking support for YOU. The longer you stay, the harder it will become to untangle yourself from it.

I also caution you. Alcoholics are like naughty children. If you are going to give an ultimatium, be prepared to act on it as if you don't, the craziness continues and they know you don't mean it. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I am sorry. I don't say this to be harsh, it's from years of experience.

Hugs.

lillamy

You know... when I moved to the States to marry AXH, I think I realized very quickly that I had put myself in a bad situation.

But I was simply too proud to admit it. I was going to make it work. My friends and family back home had advised me against uprooting my life so quickly for a guy I hadn't known for very long, but I told them they didn't understand; this was the love of my life... so in a way, their concerns and warnings made me that much more stubborn that I wasn't going to give up on him or our relationship.

If I could go back and give myself advice (mind you, I probably wouldn't have listened), it would have been this: Don't be too proud to admit you made a mistake and ask for help. Ask family and friends to lend you money for a cheap plane ticket back home. Go chat with the shuttle drivers and tell them you're in a bad spot and beg them to give you a free ride to the Denver airport. Back in Germany, you can find a job and pay people back over time. I hate to tell any well-functioning person to leave the US (I love it here) but it seems like the easiest way for you to get out of a soul-killing situation. (((hugs)))

honeypig

taaanya, if I recall your earlier post correctly, you've already DONE the thing w/telling him he has to get sober or you're gone. He didn't get sober, and you're not gone. As another poster mentioned, giving ultimatums and then not following thru only show your A that you make empty threats. It's important to only say you'll do a thing if you are going to really do it.

He knows about the empty bottles w/o you showing him. Your desire to "make him be honest" w/you sounds like the desire I had to "make my A see the light." Surely if he only realized how big a problem his drinking was, he'd stop...but you know what? They don't. They don't stop, and they don't see the light. And all the anger and sadness and energy spent on trying to force that to happen are wasted.

He has pretty much shown you, in words as well as actions, that he is NOT interested in getting sober. You can't change this or him. I hope you can take to heart some of the information you're getting here and take care of yourself while letting him go his own way, to whatever end he needs to reach.

Lillamy is right--if you need to leave, then do whatever you need to do to get out, sooner rather than later.

Rosalba

I've been where you are - though I uprooted to another part of the UK to join the 'love of my life', having been in huge denial about the extent of his drinking, emotional abuse and history of DV. Then, one evening when I'd been out with a friend, I came back to find he'd drunk 2/3 of a bottle of vodka, a whole bottle of wine and who knows what else, was in a towering rage and told me that we weren't meant to be together and I'd have to get out. This was a couple of days before Xmas.

I suspect that I was meant to beg and plead - like you, I was in a strange town where I'd have nowhere to live, no job, hardly knew anyone (and those I did know were friends of his) and he knew how dire my situation would be if I left.

However, the moment it was possible to find another flat, that is EXACTLY what I did, and have never, ever regretted it. Otherwise I was giving him a very clear message that if he wanted me to grovel and be completely under his control, all he had to do was threaten to kick me out. You have given your guy a very clear message that he can carry on drinking as much as he likes, and you'll still be there.

It was scary, very scary, but I found my feet in the strange town, and was amazed to find how caring and supportive his friends and acquaintances were. I guess they'd seen what happened with his previous partners.

After that incident, I attended the first available Alanon meeting in the area, and haven't looked back. While it was this guy who inadvertently 'led' me to Alanon, it was my alcoholic family of origin which I really needed to address... and I doubt that I would have done so without that relationship.

Be creative. What would you do if he suddenly stopped being there, dropped dead tomorrow or went under a bus? You'd cope. You just need to use all your resources to work out how!