yensid

It's been one week since I found out AH started drinking again.

He has made one appt with his therapist to work towards his S/R.

Now he's sending me pins on pinterest, vague FB post (just one today), texts/emails expressing how sorry he is and how he is going to work hard to keep us together.

I had to tell him yesterday that I didn't want any physical contact with him and not to ask me if he could hug or kiss me. It's an awful thing to ask someone and I don't want to have to answer him. Because I don't want to hurt his feelings?! Someone slap me.

He told me he loved me before bed. I didn't return it, even though I still do. Then he asked me "do you not want to return the 'I love you'?"

He just sent me a text "how are you today baby?"

Really?

It's pushing me away. Desperation is not attractive.

dandylion

yehsid....It seems to me that you have every right to be very straight forward with him that you are feeling very "smothered" by him, right now. There is a saying in recovery circles: "Say what you mean; mean what you say; and, don't say it mean"...LOL!

If you feel very put on the spot (manipulated) with the "Love" statements--there are a couple of things you might say: "This is not about love--it is about addiction to alcohol and the destruction to our lives" Or, perhaps, "Words do not console me--I am looking for action...not words" "Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary".............

Just a couple of practical suggestions that you might be able to use.....

dandylion

isitme

Mine does the exactly same thing. It infuriates me and makes me feel like I need a shower at the same time.

yensid

Awesome. Thank you!

Thumper

I understand that feeling. I have said before that my xah's love felt like something that I needed protection from. It was not something he gave me. His love was a taking, a smothering, a hungry need. An addict will consume your soul if you let them and I felt that before I even realized it. I either feared or recoiled from it because I did not have the inner boundaries in place to stand against it. It just did not feel good or safe and that probably had as much to do with my own issues but boy did your post bring back that feeling just now.

ALittleBitCrazy

Mine does the same thing too, and I'm definitely going to test out the sentiments above, (assuming I don't panic and have rational words leave my head!) - I always freeze like a deer in the headlights when he says it, because I do love him, and I feel guilty not saying it, but there's nothing about his behavior that makes me feel truly loved, either. It's an awful thing!

jmartin

I deal with this same issue. My AW is currently living elsewhere, kicked out of the house per an agreement after another relapse. When we talk on the phone, I can tell it's coming, she gets quiet and weepy, and says she loves me. I feel very conflicted - I do not want to be manipulated into saying something I simply do not feel in that moment, but don't want to escalate the drama either. These are good suggestions.

Blossom717

What do you do when you "Say what you mean; mean what you say; and, don't say it mean"and they just keep pushing? I'm at my breaking point! I am trying to be firm but nice, and he just is not getting it. I feel like he freaking wants me to crack!

yensid

Ignore him? Make a consequence and follow through if he does "xyz" behavior.

IDK, my AH today texted me asking me if I would be home bc he was thinking on his ride to work and has a question. I just texted back yes. Work in progress...

And he keeps telling me he loves me.

I never put a consequence on if he contacts me request. It's all in my head, giving me reason to leave/not trust him.

dandylion

blossom....generally, most people leave the immediate area. Make an excuse (yes, LIE!) to go to the grocery store or the dry cleaners or put on your earphones.
Hide in the bathroom--pretend to be nauseated or to have band cramps or diahrrea.
Get "busy" with housework. .... Anything that can put a little distance and allow you to detach from the conversation.

One word of caution---safety comes first, always. Don't do anything that puts yourself in danger--no matter who advised it. You have to make your own judgements, there.

dandylion

Florence

He does. That's what this is. He's trying to bully your love out of you.

Have you ever read "The Gift of Fear"? By Gavin Debecker, I think? If you haven't, it's extremely useful. It teaches you how to unlearn some of the "nice girls don't make waves" lessons and teaches you how to trust your gut and say no to bullies.

queenapple

I'm getting this type of thing from my RAH(separated) also, even the request to give me a kiss! Do they read a book or something lol? He's trying, I know, to be ore empathic and less self-centered, but it just seems forced at this point. It started after I told him, after he asked how he was doing, how his actions have affecte me over the years. Right now, I'd almost rather he ignored me.

mauihope

I get it. My H cycles in and out of this behavior. Last week he initiated a hug in the middle of my attempt to discuss my feelings, and I refused (something I've never done). I have always just given and now I'm listening to what I want/feel. It's hard and at times I feel really guilty and extremely lonely. He is ignoring me which is easier to deal with but is so isolating and hurtful. Prayer and meditation along with walking outside helps.

Peace....mauihope

Janq

My AH (also separated) does the same thing too. I think it is pretty natural where one partner is still very much attached and the other has detached. It is especially frustrating when we have detached because of their damaging actions, and yet they are now so sad/heartbroken/desperate and want us to re-attach and start giving again to the relationship now that they finally see what they did to it.

I have responded in a variety of ways - (1) ignoring the behavior; (2) calling out the behavior and saying it makes me uncomfortable (although that is usually done later and not right when it happens); (3) responding with kindness/compassion but not intimacy.

It's tricky. It's impossible to get away from it completely and it is definitely uncomfortable and difficult to deal with. And there is no single answer that would respond to everything.

Refiner

^^^that!!^^^

Refiner

Yikes. Here we go!! What was The Big Question?

yensid

hahaha!

He asked me if I had lost hope. (we had a small discussion the night before and he said that he can't lose hope about us). I explained that there was nothing tangible to hope. For example, I can hope to win the lottery all I want but if I never play, I will never win.

And he asked me if I slept on the couch because I didn't want to sleep in the same bed or if I couldn't sleep. I really couldn't sleep...probably because he was in the bed, but I didn't tell him that.

He continued to discuss his feelings and that's fine but then he was engaging me in questions about the future and I stopped him. I asked him again to respect my time and space boundary, but gave no consequence bc I can't really think of one that would make sense.