Still don't want to go back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 14
Still don't want to go back
But I'm feeling weak and conflicted and judged. Sometimes terribly lonely. The bad days are so bad (having one today).
It's been a couple of months that AH has been sober. He is being very nice, almost no hints of the bad things, and when he was getting kind of manipulative about one or two things and I called him on it, he thanked me for it.
The bottom line on not going back is pretty selfish. I'm not in love with him anymore, and I don't want to risk depending or relying on him ever again, because he proved to me that I never can. He is asking me to give him a chance sober. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to give him another chance. I feel like that is asking me to be vulnerable again and I just know I'm going to get hurt again, maybe hurt really badly. I don't trust him anymore. I do know that he has not had anything to drink in a couple of months. He's a much better person and we are getting along really well. All of that makes me feel good, except when I feel sad that the only thing that could produce that result was me leaving (not talking to him, not telling him how he had hurt me, not even knowing that he had abused me when intoxicated made any change in his behavior).
I don't want to get a divorce and start over, suffer even more financial strain, or put our child through this. I was always so committed to staying married no matter what (except for infidelity, abuse, or untreated substance abuse, and I probably would have forgiven a single incident of infidelity - he broke the other two). But I also know that there is nothing I can do to get him to behave the way I wanted/needed him to (his behavior and choices are up to him and him only), and now that I have absolutely zero faith, trust, or patience left for him, even the behavior of a saint wouldn't be good enough for me. I'm all the way burned out. I used to love and admire him, and now I'm just disappointed and done.
He wants me to wait and I can wait a while - maybe six months, to make a final decision? I can't wait a year. Not a whole year like this. I suggested some counseling for us, not marriage counseling but more to explore the question of whether reconciliation was possible at all and if not, how to best proceed with getting divorced while keeping it cooperative and in our child's best interests. He wants to wait a while to do that. I guess I can wait a while longer. I can't wait forever, though. Life is in limbo and there is pain all the time and it's pretty awful. I feel like if I could move forward and start living whatever life is going to be - start that future - that the pain of this relationship would at least start to fade instead of staying so alive.
I'm afraid of how he might react if I told him I was sure I was done and moved forward with a divorce. But then I keep telling myself that there is nothing I can do to change how he's going to behave and going back to an unhappy relationship (that has been abusive and destructive, and could be again) because I'm afraid of what he might do if I tell him it's over for good - what is the point of that? It sounds like waiting in fear and unhappiness for something to magically happen that would guarantee an outcome where he is cooperative. That would be awful. Either he will be decent and cooperative and sober, or he won't be, and what I do has minimal effect on that (if any) and is certainly not responsible for it/for his choices.
He has not felt like a partner or spouse to me in a long time. I don't see how it would ever be possible to bring back trust, intimacy, love, attachment, respect, or admiration. And going back feels like it would be undoing all the progress I've made and all the really hard things I've had to do in the past year. Maybe what I'm feeling is guilt? Guilt for not having it in me to go back and try again? Guilt for somehow knowing that if he pushed me so far I had to leave, knowing how hard I tried, that there is just no way to make it work? Guilt because I wonder if it would be possible to just give him what he wants and make him happy, but I know that I can't/won't?
In a lot of pain today. Thanks for listening.
It's been a couple of months that AH has been sober. He is being very nice, almost no hints of the bad things, and when he was getting kind of manipulative about one or two things and I called him on it, he thanked me for it.
The bottom line on not going back is pretty selfish. I'm not in love with him anymore, and I don't want to risk depending or relying on him ever again, because he proved to me that I never can. He is asking me to give him a chance sober. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to give him another chance. I feel like that is asking me to be vulnerable again and I just know I'm going to get hurt again, maybe hurt really badly. I don't trust him anymore. I do know that he has not had anything to drink in a couple of months. He's a much better person and we are getting along really well. All of that makes me feel good, except when I feel sad that the only thing that could produce that result was me leaving (not talking to him, not telling him how he had hurt me, not even knowing that he had abused me when intoxicated made any change in his behavior).
I don't want to get a divorce and start over, suffer even more financial strain, or put our child through this. I was always so committed to staying married no matter what (except for infidelity, abuse, or untreated substance abuse, and I probably would have forgiven a single incident of infidelity - he broke the other two). But I also know that there is nothing I can do to get him to behave the way I wanted/needed him to (his behavior and choices are up to him and him only), and now that I have absolutely zero faith, trust, or patience left for him, even the behavior of a saint wouldn't be good enough for me. I'm all the way burned out. I used to love and admire him, and now I'm just disappointed and done.
He wants me to wait and I can wait a while - maybe six months, to make a final decision? I can't wait a year. Not a whole year like this. I suggested some counseling for us, not marriage counseling but more to explore the question of whether reconciliation was possible at all and if not, how to best proceed with getting divorced while keeping it cooperative and in our child's best interests. He wants to wait a while to do that. I guess I can wait a while longer. I can't wait forever, though. Life is in limbo and there is pain all the time and it's pretty awful. I feel like if I could move forward and start living whatever life is going to be - start that future - that the pain of this relationship would at least start to fade instead of staying so alive.
I'm afraid of how he might react if I told him I was sure I was done and moved forward with a divorce. But then I keep telling myself that there is nothing I can do to change how he's going to behave and going back to an unhappy relationship (that has been abusive and destructive, and could be again) because I'm afraid of what he might do if I tell him it's over for good - what is the point of that? It sounds like waiting in fear and unhappiness for something to magically happen that would guarantee an outcome where he is cooperative. That would be awful. Either he will be decent and cooperative and sober, or he won't be, and what I do has minimal effect on that (if any) and is certainly not responsible for it/for his choices.
He has not felt like a partner or spouse to me in a long time. I don't see how it would ever be possible to bring back trust, intimacy, love, attachment, respect, or admiration. And going back feels like it would be undoing all the progress I've made and all the really hard things I've had to do in the past year. Maybe what I'm feeling is guilt? Guilt for not having it in me to go back and try again? Guilt for somehow knowing that if he pushed me so far I had to leave, knowing how hard I tried, that there is just no way to make it work? Guilt because I wonder if it would be possible to just give him what he wants and make him happy, but I know that I can't/won't?
In a lot of pain today. Thanks for listening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jang--it sounds to me like you are answering your own questions!!
Actually the fact that you are not in love with him any more and you don't want to go back----that is all the reason that you need!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Guilt is not a good foundation for a relatonship.
Actually the fact that you are not in love with him any more and you don't want to go back----that is all the reason that you need!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Guilt is not a good foundation for a relatonship.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 42
It's not selfish to protect yourself, or to choose what feels right for you.
That is self care, and it is HEALTHY.
At the risk of repeating something you may already have seen on these boards, here are the wise words of Pelican (sent to me when I was at my most conflicted/confused about whether or not to leave my AH):
"What if they get better......What if they get worse...... What if you gave them one more chance........
This is your life too.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important."
That is self care, and it is HEALTHY.
At the risk of repeating something you may already have seen on these boards, here are the wise words of Pelican (sent to me when I was at my most conflicted/confused about whether or not to leave my AH):
"What if they get better......What if they get worse...... What if you gave them one more chance........
This is your life too.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Do what is in your heart and supports you and your healing.
I agree, waiting won't really make it any easier or better.
You've come so far rebuilding your trust in yourself, and that's the most important thing to honor.
I agree, waiting won't really make it any easier or better.
You've come so far rebuilding your trust in yourself, and that's the most important thing to honor.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Philly burbs, NJ
Posts: 99
I have the same issues, in fact, outside of our age differences(my kids are grown) and the fact that my husband has never been abusive to me ( outside, of course, of the lying etc etc), I could have written this. My husband of 44 years is also sober now, but only after being backed into a corner after a family party and admitting he's been secretly drinking for the last year.
He's going through religious-based programs and, while his newly rekindled love of God might be helping him, it's driving me crazy, because he's using it as an excuse-- the past is past, he can't change it, God has forgotten it, he needs to move forward, etc. He wants very much to move back home after a year(I made him move out) and I'm about 98 percent sure I don't want him to. As the previous poster says, HE wants to be forgiven, HE wants to move back, HE wants to put the past behind us. What about what I want or more accurately, DIDN'T want all these years? I didn't want every family occasion ruined by his drinking, I can't trust him, I have to pick up the pieces with the kids and try to mend them because most of them aren't talking to him now. I LIKE living alone ( although one of my sons is temporarily living with me right now)
I told him I'd decide after a year and you're right, it's a long time to be in limbo, especially if you know what you want. Seeing him doesn't help; we had a really nice dinner on Sunday and then I feel myself sinking back into the "Should I give him one more chance" trap. Ugh, this really is hard, isn't it.
He's going through religious-based programs and, while his newly rekindled love of God might be helping him, it's driving me crazy, because he's using it as an excuse-- the past is past, he can't change it, God has forgotten it, he needs to move forward, etc. He wants very much to move back home after a year(I made him move out) and I'm about 98 percent sure I don't want him to. As the previous poster says, HE wants to be forgiven, HE wants to move back, HE wants to put the past behind us. What about what I want or more accurately, DIDN'T want all these years? I didn't want every family occasion ruined by his drinking, I can't trust him, I have to pick up the pieces with the kids and try to mend them because most of them aren't talking to him now. I LIKE living alone ( although one of my sons is temporarily living with me right now)
I told him I'd decide after a year and you're right, it's a long time to be in limbo, especially if you know what you want. Seeing him doesn't help; we had a really nice dinner on Sunday and then I feel myself sinking back into the "Should I give him one more chance" trap. Ugh, this really is hard, isn't it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
The bottom line on not going back is pretty selfish. I'm not in love with him anymore, and I don't want to risk depending or relying on him ever again, because he proved to me that I never can. He is asking me to give him a chance sober. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to give him another chance. I feel like that is asking me to be vulnerable again and I just know I'm going to get hurt again, maybe hurt really badly. I don't trust him anymore.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Selfish to who? To him, when he already knew how you felt, and didn't stop anything till you finally said "no more".
I don't know, if I felt that if I couldn't trust someone, or be intimate with someone, then why would I want it?
I think this is the time for you to think about what you want and need.
I know that guilt feeling. We get so used to thinking about them, we forget to think about ourselves.
I lived in limbo land for a long time, and it's not a fun place to be. In a way I am glad that my ex treated me like I didn't exist. I'm glad he has a girlfriend now. I don't ever want him back. I served my time!!!!!, can't and won't ever go back for more.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Selfish to who? To him, when he already knew how you felt, and didn't stop anything till you finally said "no more".
I don't know, if I felt that if I couldn't trust someone, or be intimate with someone, then why would I want it?
I think this is the time for you to think about what you want and need.
I know that guilt feeling. We get so used to thinking about them, we forget to think about ourselves.
I lived in limbo land for a long time, and it's not a fun place to be. In a way I am glad that my ex treated me like I didn't exist. I'm glad he has a girlfriend now. I don't ever want him back. I served my time!!!!!, can't and won't ever go back for more.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Life is precious and short in the big picture.
How do you want to spend the time you have here and with whom do you want to spend it?
I think if you are "settling" for a situation you no longer want to be in you may be
cheating yourself of all life has to offer.
How do you want to spend the time you have here and with whom do you want to spend it?
I think if you are "settling" for a situation you no longer want to be in you may be
cheating yourself of all life has to offer.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
The bottom line on not going back is pretty selfish. I'm not in love with him anymore, and I don't want to risk depending or relying on him ever again, because he proved to me that I never can.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Selfish would be going back to him when you don't love him and you don't want to be with him.
Counseling may be a good idea. I believe many marriage counselors have stated that 75% or so of their clientele are there to figure out a way to say goodbye to each other rather than stay together.
Counseling may be a good idea. I believe many marriage counselors have stated that 75% or so of their clientele are there to figure out a way to say goodbye to each other rather than stay together.
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