Conditions Agreement?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
In regards to family, you can say you want to take the pressure of him by staying away for now... Say it in such a way that it looks like you ARE putting him first. 
Remember they might want you to take the pressure off of THEM as caretakers.
As for the vacation, I would not even respond in all the 'drama'...
Please try Al Anon tonight. It is worth the courage to walk in and try it a few times! I like my second group that I fell in with.
Remember they might want you to take the pressure off of THEM as caretakers.
As for the vacation, I would not even respond in all the 'drama'...
Please try Al Anon tonight. It is worth the courage to walk in and try it a few times! I like my second group that I fell in with.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by Blossom717 
I don't know why I was thinking it would be something an A would abide by. That's why I wanted all of your thoughts first.
I really really just want time. His whole family is pressuring me. his sister in law just texted me and asked me if I was "bagging" vacation with them next week. I'm glad that that is the main priority.
I guess written conditions are any different from verbal ones. I've given him verbal ones. Will this time be different, since he went to AA and got meds? I have no idea. Right now I feel like he is just trying to get me back home. And I guess in a way those conditions are basically asking me that he changes who he is. Which I know isn't possible.
I really really just want time. His whole family is pressuring me. his sister in law just texted me and asked me if I was "bagging" vacation with them next week. I'm glad that that is the main priority.
I guess written conditions are any different from verbal ones. I've given him verbal ones. Will this time be different, since he went to AA and got meds? I have no idea. Right now I feel like he is just trying to get me back home. And I guess in a way those conditions are basically asking me that he changes who he is. Which I know isn't possible.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by CodeJob
In regards to family, you can say you want to take the pressure of him by staying away for now... Say it in such a way that it looks like you ARE putting him first.
Remember they might want you to take the pressure off of THEM as caretakers.
As for the vacation, I would not even respond in all the 'drama'...
Please try Al Anon tonight. It is worth the courage to walk in and try it a few times! I like my second group that I fell in with.
Remember they might want you to take the pressure off of THEM as caretakers.
As for the vacation, I would not even respond in all the 'drama'...
Please try Al Anon tonight. It is worth the courage to walk in and try it a few times! I like my second group that I fell in with.
I would agree that you are staying away to take the pressure off of him is a good way to put it,
But the more important, true, and most important thing is you are getting
and keeping your daughter out of this chaos. That has to be the priority, not
him and his recovery, which doesn't sound very authentic and certainly has
not stood the test of time.
Do what is best for you and your daughter, and no, you aren't going on the holiday with him and his family in light of recent events.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Fl
Posts: 118
Do you feel you are trying to force a solution to your relationship? In my experience if I'm trying to force a solution ( which I have been know to try to do over and over) the answer is, no. Perhaps you need more time. Are you sincerely ready to follow through with the boundary you set if he doesn't follow the agreement? My husband is the alcoholic in my life and he has told me before when he was working a program that when he is in active addiction he would say what I wanted to hear to be in my good graces. Please remember that these are just my opinion/experiences
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
More will indeed be revealed- good, bad, and/or ugly- and not just on his part, but on yours and the rest of the family. I agree w/ the others on the value of the contract.
No F'ing way I would move back in if the 2yr old is having panic attacks- she must have experienced some bad stuff to get that way. If his parents (and in-laws) know about it and are not on the warpath over it then I'd be inclined to stay away from the bunch of them.
No F'ing way I would move back in if the 2yr old is having panic attacks- she must have experienced some bad stuff to get that way. If his parents (and in-laws) know about it and are not on the warpath over it then I'd be inclined to stay away from the bunch of them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
She didn't have a panic attack until last night, when we were at my moms. She is at home with ABF right now until I get off work, he said she crawled into her bed and went right to sleep. Lately she has been avoiding naps, so I don't know what this means. I don't know if it means she misses home or if she doesn't want to be there.
I hate that she had a panic attack because I struggle with panic disorder and I would never want her to go through them. I really hoping that al-anon will give me some insight tonight. I really need it. I keep praying that god will help me find an answer soon too. And I do feel like I'm forcing a solution. I always feel that way...
Changeneeded....we are all strong, just by being here and talking is showing strength!
I hate that she had a panic attack because I struggle with panic disorder and I would never want her to go through them. I really hoping that al-anon will give me some insight tonight. I really need it. I keep praying that god will help me find an answer soon too. And I do feel like I'm forcing a solution. I always feel that way...
Changeneeded....we are all strong, just by being here and talking is showing strength!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by Blossom717
So I don't know what I'm going to do yet. But I have decided that If I do return to ABF's house, then there will be certain conditions that need to met, and he has to understand that if they aren't , that I will leave. I'm going to list what I put, and if anyone has any suggestions or advice or comments, feel free.
My Conditions:
In order for ------ and I, --------, to continue living under the same roof as you, ---------, the following conditions must apply:
- There will be no alcohol on the property.
- There will be no narcotic pain pills on the property.
- There will be no verbal or emotional abuse. This includes profanity name calling, lying and threatening.
- ------ and ------- will both participate in programs. This means attending at least once a week. (Al-Anon for -----, AA for ------)
- ------(abf) needs to find a sponsor through AA, and converse with that sponsor as needed.
- ------ and ------ will both keep up with the house hold chores, inside and outside.
- -------(abf) will learn how to do his own paperwork, manage his accounts and bills, with or without help.
If any of these are not followed, then I, -------, and ------, will vacate the residence immediately.
If I feel that you, --------, are not following the AA program and working the steps, then I will vacate the residence immediately.
If you feel like you cannot/won’t follow the AA program, then you have the right to do so, as I have the right to vacate the residence.
If you feel these conditions are not manageable, you have that right, as I have to right to reside elsewhere.
These conditions must be agreed to and applied before I, -----, and ------ return to the residence permanently.
and at the end we will both sign and date it. Again, I'm not sure if I will even agree to return at all, but if I do, this is what I will give him first.
My Conditions:
In order for ------ and I, --------, to continue living under the same roof as you, ---------, the following conditions must apply:
- There will be no alcohol on the property.
- There will be no narcotic pain pills on the property.
- There will be no verbal or emotional abuse. This includes profanity name calling, lying and threatening.
- ------ and ------- will both participate in programs. This means attending at least once a week. (Al-Anon for -----, AA for ------)
- ------(abf) needs to find a sponsor through AA, and converse with that sponsor as needed.
- ------ and ------ will both keep up with the house hold chores, inside and outside.
- -------(abf) will learn how to do his own paperwork, manage his accounts and bills, with or without help.
If any of these are not followed, then I, -------, and ------, will vacate the residence immediately.
If I feel that you, --------, are not following the AA program and working the steps, then I will vacate the residence immediately.
If you feel like you cannot/won’t follow the AA program, then you have the right to do so, as I have the right to vacate the residence.
If you feel these conditions are not manageable, you have that right, as I have to right to reside elsewhere.
These conditions must be agreed to and applied before I, -----, and ------ return to the residence permanently.
and at the end we will both sign and date it. Again, I'm not sure if I will even agree to return at all, but if I do, this is what I will give him first.
According to these rules it would be ok for him to get wasted as long as he stays off-property, load his gun, return home and do whatever his "recent perceptions of reality" tell him to do...he thought you cheated on him with another woman and his brother in the same night...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
This is very insightful, and a strong possibility.
I would agree that you are staying away to take the pressure off of him is a good way to put it,
But the more important, true, and most important thing is you are getting
and keeping your daughter out of this chaos. That has to be the priority, not
him and his recovery, which doesn't sound very authentic and certainly has
not stood the test of time.
Do what is best for you and your daughter, and no, you aren't going on the holiday with him and his family in light of recent events.
I would agree that you are staying away to take the pressure off of him is a good way to put it,
But the more important, true, and most important thing is you are getting
and keeping your daughter out of this chaos. That has to be the priority, not
him and his recovery, which doesn't sound very authentic and certainly has
not stood the test of time.
Do what is best for you and your daughter, and no, you aren't going on the holiday with him and his family in light of recent events.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
When did I miss this about the panic attacks? My son had panic attacks. He told me about them later on, after he was already in college.
He told me that sometimes he became afraid to go to sleep, because he wanted to be there for me to help me, but he did go to sleep, so that he could shut the voices off in his head.
He started to believe that if things were upsetting him, you go to sleep, shut off the voices, wake up, and it's a different day. Nothing that happened yesterday mattered anymore.
I only remember once that he took a nap, he was about 10. I heard him crying in his sleep, I ran to his bedroom to hold him and comfort him. He wouldn't tell me what happened or what he was dreaming about. He just clung to me very tightly. I thought that he just had a nightmare. After he told me the rest of the stuff, I don't think it was a nightmare.
He told me that sometimes he became afraid to go to sleep, because he wanted to be there for me to help me, but he did go to sleep, so that he could shut the voices off in his head.
He started to believe that if things were upsetting him, you go to sleep, shut off the voices, wake up, and it's a different day. Nothing that happened yesterday mattered anymore.
I only remember once that he took a nap, he was about 10. I heard him crying in his sleep, I ran to his bedroom to hold him and comfort him. He wouldn't tell me what happened or what he was dreaming about. He just clung to me very tightly. I thought that he just had a nightmare. After he told me the rest of the stuff, I don't think it was a nightmare.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Alanon has transformed me like nothing else I've experienced- for realsies.
Hard to tell about naps though, our daughter pretty much quit with them when she was 3-ish, we tried all the usual stuff and eventually quit just for some relative peace and quiet- which says something about her attitude towards naps.
I would say though that there is a difference between being a forceful advocate for you and your daughter vs forcing a solution.
Hard to tell about naps though, our daughter pretty much quit with them when she was 3-ish, we tried all the usual stuff and eventually quit just for some relative peace and quiet- which says something about her attitude towards naps.
I would say though that there is a difference between being a forceful advocate for you and your daughter vs forcing a solution.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Blossom717
She didn't have a panic attack until last night, when we were at my moms. She is at home with ABF right now until I get off work, he said she crawled into her bed and went right to sleep. Lately she has been avoiding naps, so I don't know what this means. I don't know if it means she misses home or if she doesn't want to be there.
I hate that she had a panic attack because I struggle with panic disorder and I would never want her to go through them. I really hoping that al-anon will give me some insight tonight. I really need it. I keep praying that god will help me find an answer soon too. And I do feel like I'm forcing a solution. I always feel that way...
I hate that she had a panic attack because I struggle with panic disorder and I would never want her to go through them. I really hoping that al-anon will give me some insight tonight. I really need it. I keep praying that god will help me find an answer soon too. And I do feel like I'm forcing a solution. I always feel that way...
At this age, kids are tied in tightly to Mom's emotional grid - especially one as "in-tuned" as you seem to be Blossom. If you're anxious, unnerved & running on nervous energy, she's going to feel that & reflect it back to you. IMO - this is the perfect example of the "oxygen mask" theory in action - when you focus on you, getting yourself healthy & happy & safe, you'll be calmer & Baby Blossom will follow suit.
I'm not discounting that life with an active A is damaging to kids, but I don't think that a singular event after such a tumultuous few days is cause for great alarm either. I hope you are getting a lot out of your meeting tonight Blossom!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thanks FireSprite for bringing this up again so that I could look at my response again. I really did mean to type a different response. It was one situation, and the way that I was looking at that was that he might use this as manipulation for you to come back home. When it doesn't mean that at all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
thanks firesprite and Amy! I didn't tell ABF about the panic attack, because I don't want him using it to guilt trip me.
I think it is an isolated event. I hope. I will keep a watchful eye. She bites her nails like crazy, which I think is a sign of anxiety at her age, shes been doing that since she was 2 and she is almost 3 now. But she has also been sleeping really hard at my moms. restfully. She told my mom last night while I was at the Al-Anon meeting that the bed (they were watching tv in the room) was " not your bed, dis is mommy and W---'s bed" (talking about herself in 3rd person lol). So I think that is a little reassuring that she is doing okay.
I am going back Friday. I've set my boundaries in my head, and I will be honest and communicate with him since he is attempting to be sober. Including that it may not even work out even if he is sober. But I will see, I don't know who he is sober so I really just don't know.
I think it is an isolated event. I hope. I will keep a watchful eye. She bites her nails like crazy, which I think is a sign of anxiety at her age, shes been doing that since she was 2 and she is almost 3 now. But she has also been sleeping really hard at my moms. restfully. She told my mom last night while I was at the Al-Anon meeting that the bed (they were watching tv in the room) was " not your bed, dis is mommy and W---'s bed" (talking about herself in 3rd person lol). So I think that is a little reassuring that she is doing okay.
I am going back Friday. I've set my boundaries in my head, and I will be honest and communicate with him since he is attempting to be sober. Including that it may not even work out even if he is sober. But I will see, I don't know who he is sober so I really just don't know.
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