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Advice please!

Old 07-14-2004, 02:55 PM
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Advice please!

I just recently moved in with my boyfriend. I knew that he liked to drink beer, but not every single day. Last weekend, he went out drinking with some friends of his. I didn't want to go along because one of the women that goes with them is a troublemaker and she doesn't like me. She is always trying to cause us problems. I have asked him to please stop hanging around with this woman but he insists that I'm being paranoid. When he got home he was very drunk and he started being nasty. He was yelling about stupid things and was making me very nervous. I know he would never hit me, but his words were very painful.

I know that he will never quit drinking and he will never give up these people that he likes to drink with. I don't know what to do. Should I insist that he choose between me and them? Should I leave? I hate being around him when he's drunk. He is so good to me when he's sober, but it's a different story when he's drunk. Please give me some advice!
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Old 07-14-2004, 03:43 PM
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Hey Littlestar,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you found us.
What you described is pretty typical of the Jekyll and Hyde behavior of an alcoholic. Great, wonderful and sweet when sober...nasty, miserable and verbally abusive when drunk. It's very hard to love someone who is unpredicatable.
I can't tell you what to do, you need to make your own choices.
I hope that you make those choices based on what's best for you.
Stick around, there are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through.
Gabe
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Old 07-14-2004, 07:03 PM
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If your new in this relationship than I would take caution. Somtimes you can fall in love and then can't see any futher into the relationship that will take you into a sink hole. Use your smarts. Is it really that important to be with this guy? I know he may be nice now. But sometime friends stick around alot longer than you. If you were important then he should be willing to do what it takes to respect you. KEY WORD....RESPECT. You can'thave Jekyll and Hyde. You sound smart enough to know the difference. IF it's early in the relationship then you might want to rething it. That's just my two cents. Good luck.
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Old 07-14-2004, 07:19 PM
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Welcome littlestar to Sober Recovery!

You cannot see into the future so you can't know what it holds. You can know what it is that you want for yourself today. That is what you should strive for.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 07-15-2004, 02:26 AM
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Hi Littlestar and a warm welcome.
I've been in exactly the same situation you're in right now. When I moved in with my partner I knew he liked his wine but boy, I had NO idea he was an alcoholic. It's very distressing and confusing.

None of us here would ever tell you whether to stay or whether to leave. You seem to understand that you can't stop him doing what he does - you're doing a lot better than I did for a long time! I think it might be helpful to ask yourself some questions - How do you feel about what your life is like now? How long do you want to live like this? How much can you take? Do you have some boundaries that you can use to help you decide what to do?

When I first realised that I was living with an alcoholic, it was a very scary moment. I began to find out all I could about alcoholism and alcoholics and read about Al-Anon in a book about alcoholism so I went to a meeting...and then another and then another. Those meetings, reading the literature, learning about the steps and reading this forum has helped me a lot in the decision I've made. I can only take it one day at a time at this point. If you stay today, you're not committed to stay for a lifetime, so give yourself some time and space and if you find a decision hard to make, well, you don't have to make one just yet.
Be good to yourself
HugZ
Sandra
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Old 07-15-2004, 08:36 AM
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I'm fairly new here and to the program. I too well understand the Jekyll and Hyde persona. Unfortunatly I was already deep in love with my addicted other and pregnant with his child before I found out what he was like when pain meds and Valium were around. It was much later before the drinking showed up. However, interesting to me looking back is how the Jekyll and Hyde showed up even when he wasn't activly drinking or using. It seemed to be part of his personality.
You have to make the right decision for you, if you see the problem is there right from the start you know its going to be there later too. You must decide if this relationship is going to be good for you. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck to you...Teggie
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Old 07-16-2004, 03:22 AM
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Hi everyone! Thank you for your words of wisdom. I've been thinking about your questions.
Sometimes I wonder how much he really does respect me. Ever since I moved in, he seems to want to spend his free time with his friends.

I'm beginning to feel like he cares more for them than me. This is a little difficult to take. I don't know if I want to stay with someone who prefers being with his friends.

He treated me so much better before I moved in. I don't understand. Out relationship has gone downhill quickly since I moved in. Why is that? Does anyone know.

He is being very cold and distant with me ever since last weekend. It's like he's punishing me. I didn't do anything wrong.

You have all been so helpful. Can someone please tell me why he would rather be with them. He says he is relaxes and has fun when he is drinking with his buddies. What does that say about our relationship?

He drinks about a 6 pack every night after work. Does he sound like an alcoholic?

I'm sorry so many questions, but I really need some help right now.

Thank you all.
Littlestar
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Old 07-16-2004, 03:12 PM
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Nobody but he can decide if he is an alcoholic.

However, if he is, the booze will take precedence over everything in his life. It will outshadow you, outshadow his work eventually. In the end, outshadow his life. An alcoholic will take and take and take.. until there is nothing left. I know...... I'm an alcoholic in recovery.

Please don't think you did anything wrong at all.

I wonder if before he moved in, he thought he had to 'hold it together" to impress you so he could move in. Now, however, he can let it all hang out.

Now you have to learn to take care of you. And these marvelous ladies in this forum will help you do that. And....... get thee to a face to face Al Anon meeting!

Take care, littlestar.
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Old 07-17-2004, 02:15 PM
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Littlestar,

Doesn't sound to me like you are having much fun there with him.

Your feeling of him punishing you is probably dead-on.

Your feeling of his friends being more important than you is probably dead on.

If he's drinking a six pack a night, good indicator of a problem.

It doesn't sound like he has alot of consideration and respect for you.

Usually you'd think when we move in with someone they shouldn't start being LESS nice to us.

I see all of these things I've mentioned as red flags.

How about turning the focus on you and asking yourself if you want this and see what you come up with for an answer?

Ngaire
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Old 07-17-2004, 05:39 PM
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Hiya Mootpoint - good to see you here and I think you're right - he was probably trying to do good to get you to move in, Littlestar. It's not particularly impressive behaviour - don't think for one minute that you've done anything wrong; once you start on that cycle of guilt you'll go mad.
Is there a friend or family memeber you could stay with for a couple of days to get your head straight? Whenever I felt myself going loopy I used escape to my best friend's place for the weekend and I always used to come home with a much clearer head. You really need to to start thinking of you right now - please take care of yourself.
(((((Littlestar)))))
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Old 07-26-2004, 09:38 PM
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get out

Originally Posted by Littlestar
I just recently moved in with my boyfriend. I knew that he liked to drink beer, but not every single day. Last weekend, he went out drinking with some friends of his. I didn't want to go along because one of the women that goes with them is a troublemaker and she doesn't like me. She is always trying to cause us problems. I have asked him to please stop hanging around with this woman but he insists that I'm being paranoid. When he got home he was very drunk and he started being nasty. He was yelling about stupid things and was making me very nervous. I know he would never hit me, but his words were very painful.

I know that he will never quit drinking and he will never give up these people that he likes to drink with. I don't know what to do. Should I insist that he choose between me and them? Should I leave? I hate being around him when he's drunk. He is so good to me when he's sober, but it's a different story when he's drunk. Please give me some advice!
little star ask yourself why you deserve to get into something that you can see now is going to cause you pain. he may give up drinking but at what cost to your life. tell him to call you when he is in aa and clean and sober for 6mths before you will think of taking him back... get smart follow your instincts and your head not your heart..
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Old 07-27-2004, 06:46 AM
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My codependant behavior is to expect all my needs to be met from one person. It took me most of my life to understand that my expectations were unrealistic. My H gives me some things that I need. If he didn't, I wouldn't be with him. But I have needs that he can't fulfill. He is not a nurturer. He doesn't solve life problems in a way that I can use. He can't be my only friend. Al-Anon has given me an outlet to meet others who are capable of meeting some of these needs. I had to find a solution, or move on to another codependant relationship with the same expectations, and the same results; disappointment and blame. I needed help to find solutions. On my own, I was doomed to repeat the same thing over and over. I became willing to try something different and seek help from people who have experience in what I go through. There are solutions for our codependant problems. We have to quit trying to get blood out of a turnip, and have the courage to reach out for help. Al-Anon, counseling, books, are all tools to we can use to build a healthy, serene, and happy us. Hugs, Magic
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