amy55

So, I think I finally got rid of my ex over 3 years ago. Now he is back in the picture trying to screw me about the pensions division. Mine and his, we were both federal employees.

Usually I can think of multiple things at the same time.

My brain is not working today. Actually it hasn't been since about last Friday.

I'm not really coherent. I hope my spelling is OK. Thank God for spell check.

So all day today the "voices" came back.

I know I sound crazy and maybe I am.

I tried to drain out his voice. I tried to listen to music in my head.

I kept trying to play "I will survive in my head", it didn't work, I started to hear Van Morrison, don't know the name of the song, about going down into the well, and hear you knocking on my front door, then Pink Floyd, there's a lunatic inside my head but its not me, then They're coming to take me away, ha ha, hee hee to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time.

What is wrong with me? This is not me!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't stop anything. My ex is going at me again. My daughter is somewhat telling me she wants to kill herself. I sit here, and I know I can;t do anything.

And I go back to when I was married, and I hope to be able to go to sleep tonight, and I pray I won't wake up tomorrow.

I'm not suicidal, I just don't care anymore.

CodeJob

Amy dear,

It looks to me you've been posting kind and rational posts all day here on SR. Good job!

In regards to your daughter - are you sure she is hinting self-harm? If she is, call 911 if she is local. I think you can call her local police for a wellness check if she isn't local.

As for the ex, I think you are having a PTSD reaction. He is a major trigger and he is going after your security... Can you call your MD, counselor or preacher? Al Anon sponsor?

It's 9:30 in PA? Go to sleep. If you wake up get on SR. I'm quite fond of the Brits and Aussies here! Even though I am too tired to post I read here quite a bit late at night!

Hugs Amy!

amy55

My daughter is a drama queen, just sometimes I need to listen to her call for help. I did respond to her email. I told her to give me a call when she can. I will call her tomorrow, she probably won't answer, but I'm use to that.

My PTSD is beyond belief today. Totally hypervigilent. Why can't those exes go away when you finally get the divorce papers? I;d be fine without him, I am fine without him. Just can't really deal with any more court and being treated like I don't exist.

It makes me want to cut off everyone, and just isolate myself again. That is wrong, that is stupid, but I see myself going back there again.

I know better then this. But sometimes my mind doesn't work the way I want it to.

TalenCrowhaven

Hang in there Amy! I'm glad to have you here!

(I mostly lurk)

Did you try the theme to "Green Acres"?

Stung

Hugs, Amy. If you're having trouble falling asleep, I swear by this meditation stuff that CodeJob turned me on to. It works every single time and totally clears my head, I don't know how or why, but it puts me right to sleep.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/bl...ra/id388477627

Also, I totally understand the urge to isolate but it's so counter productive. I'll regurgitate your advice to me from earlier today: get this stuff out of your box so you're not revisiting it over and over again

Thinking of you and sending you love!

amy55

Wow, thanks for the laugh. Green Acres is the place for me. Actually just watched that show this past week.

Now I'm gonna get that song stuck in my head also.

amy55

Hey I like that. Especially where you regurgitated to me. (lol) It hit me, it was take my advice please, because I don't use it anyways. I do need to practice what I say. Will also look at that link. Thanks. You are a terrific person.

allinon

Amy, I wish you all the best and am sending you lots of cyber ((( hugs ))).

I'm relatively new to the forum, but I relate so much to your posts.

I've learned from you that the hell I've had from my HFAH for 25 of the past 30 years has a label: verbal abuse. I thought it was me, that he was just angry because:

-I dared to speak up and try to talk to him when he was going to sleep.
-I didn't call him at work when it was time for him to leave to go to kids' event.
-I was always sick (I have Crohn's disease, fibromyalgia, now in complete menopuase after radical hysterectomy)
-I moved into the guest bedroom to get deep sleep to help fibromyalgia
-my son graduated and left home, leaving him alone with two females (me and my high school aged daughter)
-my daughter graduated and left home, leaving him alone with his sick wife.

Blah blah blah. You name it and I thought it was why he was angry. I now realize I've been living with verbal abuse and alcoholism. I'm now going to Al-Anon meetings and on these forums trying to get stronger.

Amy, you have helped me to open my eyes to the reality of my life. I have a LONG way to go but I at least know the environment I'm walking in whereas before I was living in DENIAL!

God Bless You, Amy! I pray that you stick around this forum and continue to bless those of us just starting on the journey. I appreciate you so very much!

Oh and I just checked: The Blissful Sleep album by Deepak Chopra listed above by Stung (via Codejob) on iTunes is now available for FREE on Amazon Prime music. Thanks for the tip!!

HikerLady

Amy, I am so very sorry you are going through such an awful time. I think every one of us would love to own a magic wand and wave it over you wishing you a kinder gentler life full of happiness. What I see in your posts is this amazing woman with a world of pain on her shoulders still wanting and craving the same compassion and deep caring that she so readily offers up to everyone else. You deserve that for sure. I can only hope that you can feel that same kindness and compassion from all of us posting enough to see you through the painful days like this. Please don't be so hard on yourself (I know, easier said that done). You are not crazy and what's wrong is that you are deeply hurt and reacting to that hurt. That feeling of hopelessness and despair, I think we all share a deep understanding of it regardless of where it stems from. You are not alone, keep sharing, keep trying to see that you can and will get through this one day at a time (hey, I recall having days where I needed more of a one minute at a time just to get through it). Big hugs to you.

BodkinVanHorn

Hugs, Amy.
I think you're awesome.
I am praying for you to have strength and peace.

Blossom717

Amy, I'm sorry you are going through this!

You are amazing and strong and such an inspiration.

I know what you mean by wishing the exes would just go away. I hope your daughter is okay too. Have you talked to her?

My favorite song lately has been "Kill Your Heros" by Awolnation. I will turn it up in the car, roll the windows down and jam out. Its a good one!

What usually helps you with PTSD, or what has in the past? Do you walk/run or meditate? Sometimes just going somewhere different helps. You could go read a book at the book store café, or go lay out by a pool with some music playing through headphones. Or even go to lunch with your daughter, if shes near by. Just seeing my daughter or mom, even if they are being difficult (or if I am!) can bring comfort.


I hope you are okay! Don't give up! If you need to talk I'm here, all of us are!

suncatcher

Amy as for the songs in your head, that happens to me all the time! I feel like I have my own radio up there and joke that it's WSUN really w followed by first 3 letters of my first name but sun works too. Your daughters suicidal ideations concern me more. Please get her evaluated and treated if necessary. I work in the field and had a fellow coworker act on it after talking about it for a while. Wishing you peaceful thoughts and clarity. Gilligans Island is another song to get stuck in my head..... lol

amy55

I'm a little bit better today. With my daughter, I called her, she didn't answer the phone. I need to say this, so that people don't think I am heartless. She is a drama queen. I then called my son and asked him if I could forward him the email. He said OK, so I did. He thought she was exaggerating things, but he called her, and she answered. He didn't tell her anything about the email. He told me that she was in good spirits, and that she was talking about all the things she was going to do this week. I guess this crisis is over. I'll just wait for her to call me someday.

The ex, I had to drop that entirely from my thinking today. This is going to be about a 6 month battle with him, and I can't allow myself to think about this all the time.

So I just went to Walmart today, just to get out and to walk around.

I think I'm mostly freaking out because I never wanted to go to "war" again. But I need to, and I am now accepting that, and "it is what it is, it becomes what you make it".

I think I will feel much better next Monday, when I send an email to his attorney telling her that I am now representing myself, and driving up his attorney fees.

hopeful4

I found a dumb joke of the day for you!

A woman who is three months prego falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother was here so he named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: That's not so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: DENEPHEW!!!

LOL...it's a dumb one but for some reason it cracked me up!

Much Love my friend!