Your Loss
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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This looks Eco enough for CA and way cheaper than a Tesla. Stash the money somewhere you save... 
freakin Prius coasting around trying to get max mileage.... Sigh.
https://www.subaru.com/vehicles/xv-c...-features.html
freakin Prius coasting around trying to get max mileage.... Sigh.https://www.subaru.com/vehicles/xv-c...-features.html
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Stung, my son has a MIL quite as toxic as yours. It's common knowledge that she hates him! Over time, and it did take time, he's learned to laugh at how pathetic she is, rather than get angry. There was also a period of adjustment for my DIL towards her mother, so that the mother has much less power over her, and she knows it and is back in her box. She really can be appalling, but I've kept it polite because I feel sorry for her.
I hope over time your MIL becomes less of a dragon to you, and more of a paper dragon.
I hope over time your MIL becomes less of a dragon to you, and more of a paper dragon.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Stung, I think there are two issues here. One is how you FEEL, and the other is what you are going to DO.
You are, as all of us are, absolutely and definitively entitled to feel any and all feelings that you have. You don't have to swallow them, deny them, suppress them, ignore them. You have the right to feel whatever you feel. And, from my experience, this is a d*mn good place to express them.
You might, however, choose to act on the basis of what your mind reasons will have the best outcome for you and your kids. And that is probably NOT poking sticks into the witches' cage.
But you get to imagine doing that, and if you really want to, you can do it. You'll just have to go through the consequence of your MIL feeling provoked and retaliating, and be in a similar situation to where you are now. It took me time after time of processing the same feelings to start to have them let go. I wasn't ready until I was ready.
ShootingStar1
You are, as all of us are, absolutely and definitively entitled to feel any and all feelings that you have. You don't have to swallow them, deny them, suppress them, ignore them. You have the right to feel whatever you feel. And, from my experience, this is a d*mn good place to express them.
You might, however, choose to act on the basis of what your mind reasons will have the best outcome for you and your kids. And that is probably NOT poking sticks into the witches' cage.
But you get to imagine doing that, and if you really want to, you can do it. You'll just have to go through the consequence of your MIL feeling provoked and retaliating, and be in a similar situation to where you are now. It took me time after time of processing the same feelings to start to have them let go. I wasn't ready until I was ready.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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I talked to my counselor about this and it has been swirling around in my head since then but my anger is dissipating.
My counselor feels as though I have some very strong resentments against my MIL and the way to rid myself of resentments (evict her from my mind) is to pray for her. I said I have been praying for her toenails for fall off and my counselor said that I'm praying wrong. LOL Apparently when you pray for bad people it allows you to release the anger or the resentments. End result is that you spend less time thinking about bad people and more time thinking about good stuff and good people and yourself. I asked her if this was like when you say "bless their heart" about someone and what you really mean is "F You" and she said it could be similar. I don't have to like her just because I'm praying for her to be less awful.
So I opened the birthday card this morning after praying that MIL finds recovery soon because she's already wasted a lot of her life being awful and miserable. Maybe it's not too late for her even though she's in her 70s. And oh boy, it would be very inspirational if she could find recovery because her whole life has been effected by alcohol. Raised by an alcoholic father, married an alcoholic, had 5 children, 3 of which became alcoholics and 1 of those died drunk driving and the other 2 struggle big time trying to quit. I hope she finds recovery before she dies.
Then I opened the card. It said "Hello (Baby DD's Name). Love grandma and pa."
I took a deep breath and repeated in my mind that I hope she finds recovery and threw it away. Then I gave myself a pat on the back for keeping my girls away from her because she's freaking weird in addition to being super mean.
My counselor feels as though I have some very strong resentments against my MIL and the way to rid myself of resentments (evict her from my mind) is to pray for her. I said I have been praying for her toenails for fall off and my counselor said that I'm praying wrong. LOL Apparently when you pray for bad people it allows you to release the anger or the resentments. End result is that you spend less time thinking about bad people and more time thinking about good stuff and good people and yourself. I asked her if this was like when you say "bless their heart" about someone and what you really mean is "F You" and she said it could be similar. I don't have to like her just because I'm praying for her to be less awful.
So I opened the birthday card this morning after praying that MIL finds recovery soon because she's already wasted a lot of her life being awful and miserable. Maybe it's not too late for her even though she's in her 70s. And oh boy, it would be very inspirational if she could find recovery because her whole life has been effected by alcohol. Raised by an alcoholic father, married an alcoholic, had 5 children, 3 of which became alcoholics and 1 of those died drunk driving and the other 2 struggle big time trying to quit. I hope she finds recovery before she dies.
Then I opened the card. It said "Hello (Baby DD's Name). Love grandma and pa."
I took a deep breath and repeated in my mind that I hope she finds recovery and threw it away. Then I gave myself a pat on the back for keeping my girls away from her because she's freaking weird in addition to being super mean.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Stung- I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you.
But can I ask, what would bother you more that she didn't send a card to your daughter or the fact that she did?
Be glad she sent a card and didn't come over. Try to change your perspective on the situation.
The anger is only keeping you in a chaotic state of mind.
But can I ask, what would bother you more that she didn't send a card to your daughter or the fact that she did?
Be glad she sent a card and didn't come over. Try to change your perspective on the situation.
The anger is only keeping you in a chaotic state of mind.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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Your resentment is doing you a whole lot more damage than it is her and you're letting her live rent-free in your head. "Your not punished for your anger, you're punished with your anger", a Buddhist saying. I recommend Alanon.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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Stung,
Why is the card such a trigger? This thread is a week out and you are still fired up and it sounds like MIL took up a fair amount of counseling time too. Honestly I don't see my MIL much and there is such an age difference that I just respect her and let her have her quirky space several states away... But isn't a grandma supposed to send a card? Isn't what she wrote pretty standard Hallmark signature?
I wonder if you are mis-focused to spare your H? How is he doing? Perhaps her role regarding your H's issues is on your mind as you raise your kids and deal with him and your own FOO issues? Being a parent is scary and humbling - particularly when YOU are the main parent. Nothing like torching the green man as a stand in...
As for praying for those you are a wee bit ready to toss onto the pyre, well I have done this. I used to pray for one of my bosses to get hit by a bus. She took one to work most days, so it was a convenient set up. God did not answer that prayer and then some people waiting for a commuter train got KILLED by a bus so I decided to pray that this person got a great opportunity to transfer to a great city (far away). Boom chaca chaca - opportunity of a lifetime for her. Adios chica!
So ever since then I've been known that even when I participate in the office/family gossip, I then turn around and say something positive or empathetic about the person. Often I say, well they aren't happy so hopefully a great opportunity will arise. And I pray that it does... and it does without fail.
Hugs to you. Have you tried this SUP board stuff? Apparently it is even done in the 'ponds' where I reside and I am thinking about trying it for core work & laughter as I am sure to fall off.
Why is the card such a trigger? This thread is a week out and you are still fired up and it sounds like MIL took up a fair amount of counseling time too. Honestly I don't see my MIL much and there is such an age difference that I just respect her and let her have her quirky space several states away... But isn't a grandma supposed to send a card? Isn't what she wrote pretty standard Hallmark signature?
I wonder if you are mis-focused to spare your H? How is he doing? Perhaps her role regarding your H's issues is on your mind as you raise your kids and deal with him and your own FOO issues? Being a parent is scary and humbling - particularly when YOU are the main parent. Nothing like torching the green man as a stand in...
As for praying for those you are a wee bit ready to toss onto the pyre, well I have done this. I used to pray for one of my bosses to get hit by a bus. She took one to work most days, so it was a convenient set up. God did not answer that prayer and then some people waiting for a commuter train got KILLED by a bus so I decided to pray that this person got a great opportunity to transfer to a great city (far away). Boom chaca chaca - opportunity of a lifetime for her. Adios chica!
So ever since then I've been known that even when I participate in the office/family gossip, I then turn around and say something positive or empathetic about the person. Often I say, well they aren't happy so hopefully a great opportunity will arise. And I pray that it does... and it does without fail.
Hugs to you. Have you tried this SUP board stuff? Apparently it is even done in the 'ponds' where I reside and I am thinking about trying it for core work & laughter as I am sure to fall off.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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The fact that she sent a card is worse. Here's why: she has consistently ignored my children and refused to acknowledge them for one reason or another. I prefer consistency. She literally has to be in contact with AH at least once a day, because God forbid that he fart and she not know about it, but she completely ignored my children when they were actually in need and I asked for her help.
I don't like the pretending that things are on some kind of level of civility when there is none. If she wants to tell my husband that she wishes our daughter a happy birthday, then do that. She sent that card to my house knowing that *I* would be the one receiving and opening it. I don't know any other 1 year old children who receive or open mail. If you're sending me a card for my child, start with an apology, otherwise I don't want it. I'm not in the business of keeping the peace or going along to get along or ignoring my hurt feelings for the sake of someone else's pride. New Stung is not stuffing her feelings for someone else's comfort anymore.
I know I'm reading way too far into A MEASLY CARD. It just makes me so frustrated because everything with this woman is a triangulation thing. My husband defends her saying "well all she wanted was…" or "all she's trying to do is…" or "…is it really asking so much?" YES!! It's too much. I don't want this person in my life. I get to choose that. My kids are babies so I get to choose for them too right now. Baby DD is completely unaware of birthdays at this point in her life. All the while almost 3 year old DD is aware of all holidays and MIL completely ignores her. MIL can suck it. I hate her guts. My kids do have, know and love a grandma and it isn't her.
And it triggers the ever living crap out of me because I feel like she has consistently wronged my children by ignoring them. It makes me go into crazy mama bear mode. Either be gone or be present, and a card doesn't make her anymore present in their lives but it makes it a reminder to me that she is still around and it makes me feel like I have no control over anything especially since MIL is more controlling and manipulative and conniving than I'll ever be.
I don't like the pretending that things are on some kind of level of civility when there is none. If she wants to tell my husband that she wishes our daughter a happy birthday, then do that. She sent that card to my house knowing that *I* would be the one receiving and opening it. I don't know any other 1 year old children who receive or open mail. If you're sending me a card for my child, start with an apology, otherwise I don't want it. I'm not in the business of keeping the peace or going along to get along or ignoring my hurt feelings for the sake of someone else's pride. New Stung is not stuffing her feelings for someone else's comfort anymore.
I know I'm reading way too far into A MEASLY CARD. It just makes me so frustrated because everything with this woman is a triangulation thing. My husband defends her saying "well all she wanted was…" or "all she's trying to do is…" or "…is it really asking so much?" YES!! It's too much. I don't want this person in my life. I get to choose that. My kids are babies so I get to choose for them too right now. Baby DD is completely unaware of birthdays at this point in her life. All the while almost 3 year old DD is aware of all holidays and MIL completely ignores her. MIL can suck it. I hate her guts. My kids do have, know and love a grandma and it isn't her.
And it triggers the ever living crap out of me because I feel like she has consistently wronged my children by ignoring them. It makes me go into crazy mama bear mode. Either be gone or be present, and a card doesn't make her anymore present in their lives but it makes it a reminder to me that she is still around and it makes me feel like I have no control over anything especially since MIL is more controlling and manipulative and conniving than I'll ever be.
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And I do go to alanon, I've been going for a month now. It helps a lot with dealing with my alcoholic husband and my NPD mom. I still want them in my life. I don't want MIL in my life. I want her to leave me and my children alone. If she wants contact with my kids about anything, do it through AH, why me?!
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While I definitely agree with not giving your MIL any more rent free space in your head, I also get what you're saying here Stung.
It's not really about the birthday card, because it isn't even REALLY a birthday card. It's a passive-aggressive dig at you using your child's birthday as a tool to set herself under this umbrella of "being the bigger person" & "doing the right thing "& who "can't win" "no matter what she does".....so she can play martyr to the rest of the family when her aggression is ill-received.
I think I would have a similar reaction, because she used the kids. I think the Mama Bear overreaction would be hard for me to control... she could say or do whatever to or against me, what'evs... but use my kids? Game ON. They are NOT psychological pawns. I'm not saying it's necessarily right, but I could identify with having such a strong reaction, I've been there.
It's not really about the birthday card, because it isn't even REALLY a birthday card. It's a passive-aggressive dig at you using your child's birthday as a tool to set herself under this umbrella of "being the bigger person" & "doing the right thing "& who "can't win" "no matter what she does".....so she can play martyr to the rest of the family when her aggression is ill-received.
I think I would have a similar reaction, because she used the kids. I think the Mama Bear overreaction would be hard for me to control... she could say or do whatever to or against me, what'evs... but use my kids? Game ON. They are NOT psychological pawns. I'm not saying it's necessarily right, but I could identify with having such a strong reaction, I've been there.
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Stung....Soooooo......when I put your anger into the context that you have shared with us....it does make sense to me---in this way: You have been very open about your habit of always stuffing your feelings. And, I can see your efforts, now of working on "unstuffing them". To me, that is a good step in recovery.
It reminds me of when an alcoholic gets sober--in the very beginning, they have a hard time of regulating their emotions...they don't have their calibration set..yet. This is one reason that early recovery can be so difficult...it is also talked about in "Paws".
The emotions are REAL (all emotions are)....but how to tolerate the feelings and channel them with the appropriate velocity is not down, yet.
I have heard that it is everything times ten.
I have had a mother-in-law that irritated my craw...because she didn't ring as sincere....so, I get where you are coming from on that.
Just thought I would share my perspective with you.
dandylion
It reminds me of when an alcoholic gets sober--in the very beginning, they have a hard time of regulating their emotions...they don't have their calibration set..yet. This is one reason that early recovery can be so difficult...it is also talked about in "Paws".
The emotions are REAL (all emotions are)....but how to tolerate the feelings and channel them with the appropriate velocity is not down, yet.
I have heard that it is everything times ten.
I have had a mother-in-law that irritated my craw...because she didn't ring as sincere....so, I get where you are coming from on that.
Just thought I would share my perspective with you.
dandylion
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Reminds me of a chat on Saturday. The Saturday Alanoon meeting, we all tend to hang around a chat.
One woman, had just came back from a trip to Hawaii. One of those little Paradise trips, yunno.
BUT while on the trip, she found herself surrounded much of the time by Faux (still drinking) AA-ers, some Pot Heads, on and on. Spent much of her time fuming about being surrounded by all of "THEM!"
Made a trip to Paradise, but took her own little Hell with her.
She had not quite figured out her part in all that, yet.
One woman, had just came back from a trip to Hawaii. One of those little Paradise trips, yunno.
BUT while on the trip, she found herself surrounded much of the time by Faux (still drinking) AA-ers, some Pot Heads, on and on. Spent much of her time fuming about being surrounded by all of "THEM!"
Made a trip to Paradise, but took her own little Hell with her.
She had not quite figured out her part in all that, yet.
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Stung....vent away. It's good not to stuff it and it's good to share it with people who care about you and who understand, like your buddies here at SR!!!
When someone hurts your child as she did, the momma bear comes out. Good for you. Our children need our protection!
I think you are doing great!!! I hope your little had a Happy Birthday!
When someone hurts your child as she did, the momma bear comes out. Good for you. Our children need our protection!
I think you are doing great!!! I hope your little had a Happy Birthday!
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