Registered

I have had the most wonderful, life changing advise on this forum so I want to start with words of thanks.

I have managed to separate from my AH several months ago and myself and the children are finding a new way to live with peace in our home.

AH also has mental health issues with anxiety and personality disorder so I am finding it a bit tricky to deal with him as he is a bit delicate mentally.

He wants to move back home and for us to go to counselling with the view to reconcile. He is constantly telling me he loves me, he is very sorry and all if the bad things he did weren't him - it was the illness. He is an emotional wreck and comes over to the house crying and wanting my physical affection.

I am not interested in reconciling, I don't love him anymore and I have no desire to live again the way I did got all those years of our marriage. Just the thought of him moving back in actually makes me feel sick.

So I'm not sure what to actually say to him. He us in a very vulnerable place and if I am very blunt and direct, I think it will have a bad effect on him. But I don't want to encourage him to think that I want to work on our relationship either.

SparkleKitty

I wish I had better experience to offer. I am usually in favor of being as forthright as possible, whenever possible, but I hear your concerns about his state of mind. I wonder if it would not be better to say your peace with a counselor/therapist present?

biminiblue

I don't think it wise to give mixed messages to anyone, least of all someone with compromised mental capabilities.

If you've been living apart for several months, I would think he would get this by now, no matter how deluded he is. Does he have a therapist or some sort of group he attends?

How do these conversations start? If it were me, I'd no longer agree to see him alone without a chaperone, and I'd refuse to discuss anything other than necessary legal or child custody issues.

He is going to have to make his own way in the world - and he will.

FireSprite

I don't think you CAN be anything but blunt & direct though. I think almost exactly what you said above is more than enough -

"I am not interested in reconciling; I have no desire to live again the way I did got all those years of our marriage; I'm sorry if you were hoping for more but I have decided that I am not going to pursue therapy or reconciliation."

I appreciate that he's vulnerable, but anything other than a direct statement leaves room for interpretation & can actually be MORE harmful in his state of mind, IMO. I appreciate how hard it must be to watch him hurt though (((((hugs)))))) what a very delicate situation.

dandylion

Registered, I don't know what area of the country that you live. I do know that most communities, of any size, will have various support groups--including bi-polar support groups for families and friends/partners. They are usually held at a clinic or medical center--or some community organization--like a church of YMCA, etc.

You might also talk with someone who runs such groups or who works with bi-polar patients. Given his diagnosis, plus alcohol, plus drugs (weed), he is probably not regulated at all. You can get in over your head at any time with his combination.

I absolutely hear your concern and agree that you need to have well-thought-out plans for how to deal with him.

This is why I feel that you need some more support and the help of professionals with this.

Hang on, here...I believe that some other members who have experienced this will be along to help you. I know that this is not easy, by any means....

dandylion

hopeful4

My X did this sort of thing too. It did get better with time and he does not do this at all now. It had to click in his own mind that done means done and that there is no chance of moving back in or getting back together. He too was in a very delicate frame of mind. I tried to text as much as possible as when we actually spoke it was harder. For quite a time when he would see me or the kids he would break down crying when he would leave. Very hard.

Be gentle but truthful in my opinion. He has mental illness and that is not going to go away. He has to learn to cope with his mental illness. I know my X went to the dr and had his meds changed and she referred him to a psychiatrist to help him through. I don't know if he went or not, but I think so. I stayed out of that.

Does he have any family that will talk to him? I know my X stayed w/his sister for a time when we separated and that was very good for him. She was an ear and shoulder during a time he needed it. The lovely people at Celebrate Recovery also stayed in contact with him during that time and understood it was not my place to do so. That helped me so much to know there were other people who cared about him listening and supporting him. Even though he created the situation himself, I was scared for him. He is the father of my children so that is that.

This is a huge example of why we cannot be their support system. We can encourage and cheer them on, but they need their own support system because we are just too close to the situation.

I am glad you are finding the support for you here are SR. It's a great place.

Take good care of YOU!

Registered

Thanks everyone, lots to think about.

I think I'm also going to set some boundaries around when he comes over. At the moment he drops in most days at all different times. He gets emotional if he's not given the right amount of attention, or doesn't like something that's said, then in addition to whatever was already going on in the house, I have AH in a needy state. Often he becomes agitated and rants on about how it's my fault, then he's sorry and calls and texts apologising.

I'm so sick of this cycle. It's so heavy and wearing and I don't want to be dealing with this which is why I am separated. I'll have a good think about how to put this into gentle but clear words.

CodeJob

Boundaries will help for sure. Nothing like being gentle with an A-PD then getting the blame to boot.