I left him. What now?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
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I left him. What now?
Well. I left yesterday.
Its not how I had planned on doing it.
You know how they treat you when they are drinking? The degrading, accusations, just plain mean? For the longest time he has only done that when it was just him and I. When friend and family are around he portrays the good guy who is always affectionate and loving. I could keep up this appearance until I worked out my housing situation. But This weekend was different. First, Friday he took some pain pills with his 12+ beers and I woke up to a huge thing of flowers in the kitchen. and the house rearranged. Thats what he does. (the flowers would be romantic if they weren't drug induced)
So Saturday evening we had friends over (he steamed crabs he had caught that day). We were all drinking. I drank too much too. So I went in to the house to get blankets and make up some areas for people to sleep, I didn't want anyone driving home. While I was in the house, his brother helping me, ABF accused one of my best friends (a girl) of having something going on with me, saying she and I were sleeping together?
So I was upset. We had quit smoking but I still sneak one every now and then, not every day or even every week. Just occasional. So I told his brother I wanted one when we got back outside. When ABF heard that he then accused me of sleeping with his brother.
His brother is one of his main people who is always on his side, always sticks up for him. When his brother heard that, he left. He was too drunk to be driving and he left. He has never gotten upset with ABF before.
After that I got upset and went in the house and started packing. I wasn't going to leave until Sunday, but i just couldn't wait another second before packing. I was so embarrised and upset. The fact that hes doing this to his own friends and family just shows how out of control hes getting.
Yesterday I had to go to church, i was helping in daycare. Mom went with me. When I got home he acted as if everything was okay, like it was just another argument. I told him i was going to moms house for a few days. He got frantic. Freaked out, beggging. Saying he won't drink anymore. I told him I can't stay until he has gotten sober, made that effort. He threatened to blow his brains out. There are guns all over the house, loaded. It scared me and my mom. (the baby was asleep in the car)
So I called his step mom. She said to lie and say I was just going to go out for a few hours and once I left to tell him I was staying at moms for a while. They had no clue how far out of hand he is with his addiction. So I did what she said. I'm glad I called, I was worried I couldn't turn to them for help with him but they seem to undertand for now.
So I spent the night at moms. I slept a lot. I'm at work now, my daughter is at the sitters. I don't know if ABF is planning on picking her up. He stayed home today, said his dad was taking him to an AA meeting. I'm scared about what will happen when I see him this afternoon and tell him I'm going back to moms. I don't know what his reaction will be. The sitter is an hour away from moms and from my work. Its right down the street from ABF. I just don't know what I'm going to do, I don't think he will hurt himself or us but I know how desperate people can get. I'm praying that AA will help him see that this is what needs to be done right now. I don't have it in me, i just can't do one more day. I can't bring myself to go back and pretend everything is okay anymore. I feel bad for him that its hurting him so much but I've hurt for the past 4 years and I'm still hurting today.
Sorry this is so long. I just needed to share. I talked to him this morning and he said "I need you both here" I need this, i need that. I realized that he thinks he needs us, but our daughter and I need more.
Its not how I had planned on doing it.
You know how they treat you when they are drinking? The degrading, accusations, just plain mean? For the longest time he has only done that when it was just him and I. When friend and family are around he portrays the good guy who is always affectionate and loving. I could keep up this appearance until I worked out my housing situation. But This weekend was different. First, Friday he took some pain pills with his 12+ beers and I woke up to a huge thing of flowers in the kitchen. and the house rearranged. Thats what he does. (the flowers would be romantic if they weren't drug induced)
So Saturday evening we had friends over (he steamed crabs he had caught that day). We were all drinking. I drank too much too. So I went in to the house to get blankets and make up some areas for people to sleep, I didn't want anyone driving home. While I was in the house, his brother helping me, ABF accused one of my best friends (a girl) of having something going on with me, saying she and I were sleeping together?
So I was upset. We had quit smoking but I still sneak one every now and then, not every day or even every week. Just occasional. So I told his brother I wanted one when we got back outside. When ABF heard that he then accused me of sleeping with his brother.
His brother is one of his main people who is always on his side, always sticks up for him. When his brother heard that, he left. He was too drunk to be driving and he left. He has never gotten upset with ABF before.
After that I got upset and went in the house and started packing. I wasn't going to leave until Sunday, but i just couldn't wait another second before packing. I was so embarrised and upset. The fact that hes doing this to his own friends and family just shows how out of control hes getting.
Yesterday I had to go to church, i was helping in daycare. Mom went with me. When I got home he acted as if everything was okay, like it was just another argument. I told him i was going to moms house for a few days. He got frantic. Freaked out, beggging. Saying he won't drink anymore. I told him I can't stay until he has gotten sober, made that effort. He threatened to blow his brains out. There are guns all over the house, loaded. It scared me and my mom. (the baby was asleep in the car)
So I called his step mom. She said to lie and say I was just going to go out for a few hours and once I left to tell him I was staying at moms for a while. They had no clue how far out of hand he is with his addiction. So I did what she said. I'm glad I called, I was worried I couldn't turn to them for help with him but they seem to undertand for now.
So I spent the night at moms. I slept a lot. I'm at work now, my daughter is at the sitters. I don't know if ABF is planning on picking her up. He stayed home today, said his dad was taking him to an AA meeting. I'm scared about what will happen when I see him this afternoon and tell him I'm going back to moms. I don't know what his reaction will be. The sitter is an hour away from moms and from my work. Its right down the street from ABF. I just don't know what I'm going to do, I don't think he will hurt himself or us but I know how desperate people can get. I'm praying that AA will help him see that this is what needs to be done right now. I don't have it in me, i just can't do one more day. I can't bring myself to go back and pretend everything is okay anymore. I feel bad for him that its hurting him so much but I've hurt for the past 4 years and I'm still hurting today.
Sorry this is so long. I just needed to share. I talked to him this morning and he said "I need you both here" I need this, i need that. I realized that he thinks he needs us, but our daughter and I need more.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Blossom.....you sure did have a rough night of it!
I think your caution is very smart and very warented. He may never have gotten aggressive with you in the past...BUT, nevertheless this period when separation is being carried out is the most dangerous time for the departing partner. Basically, because the other person will be feeling loss of control. So, adding loaded guns all over the place and someone who is drinking and adding some drugs to it, too boot....you just don't have the ability to predict their behavior.
Always better to be safe than sorry--and it sounds like you already appreciate this fact.
You might want to go on some web sites to read over the various recommendations and tips for maintaining your safety. There are some very good sites.
I sure do know what it is like when you get to the point of saying that you can't do even one more day.
Your gut is trying to protect you, right now, I think.
You have got to do what you have got to do.
I suggest that you not be alone with him, right now or in the next few weeks, at least.
I also suggest that if you go to the house--that you not be alone.
This is a very stressful period for you, right now...but I think yoou are doing remerkably well under these very difficult circumstances.
Please keep in touch.....
dandylion
I think your caution is very smart and very warented. He may never have gotten aggressive with you in the past...BUT, nevertheless this period when separation is being carried out is the most dangerous time for the departing partner. Basically, because the other person will be feeling loss of control. So, adding loaded guns all over the place and someone who is drinking and adding some drugs to it, too boot....you just don't have the ability to predict their behavior.
Always better to be safe than sorry--and it sounds like you already appreciate this fact.
You might want to go on some web sites to read over the various recommendations and tips for maintaining your safety. There are some very good sites.
I sure do know what it is like when you get to the point of saying that you can't do even one more day.
Your gut is trying to protect you, right now, I think.
You have got to do what you have got to do.
I suggest that you not be alone with him, right now or in the next few weeks, at least.
I also suggest that if you go to the house--that you not be alone.
This is a very stressful period for you, right now...but I think yoou are doing remerkably well under these very difficult circumstances.
Please keep in touch.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Hugs Blossom,
It sounds like you could use one right now. What a night you must have had.
You are justified to be very cautious right now. Threatening suicide is a serious matter. That must have been a frightening experience for you. Perhaps this will be the bottom for your ABF. Unfortunately no one really knows but time will make things clearer. Focus on yourself and that beautiful DD of yours. It is a positive step that he is going to an AA meeting.
Take it one day at a time. If he is truly serious about his recovery he should understand you both needing time apart to work on yourselves so staying at your moms would be a positive thing. Are you attending Alanon meetings or therapy? Both may be beneficial right now to help you sort out your feelings.
I know it feels painful right now. I've been there. Relying on my family and friends is what got me through it. Surround yourself with people you love who bring you happiness and do things you enjoy.
It sounds like you could use one right now. What a night you must have had.
You are justified to be very cautious right now. Threatening suicide is a serious matter. That must have been a frightening experience for you. Perhaps this will be the bottom for your ABF. Unfortunately no one really knows but time will make things clearer. Focus on yourself and that beautiful DD of yours. It is a positive step that he is going to an AA meeting.
Take it one day at a time. If he is truly serious about his recovery he should understand you both needing time apart to work on yourselves so staying at your moms would be a positive thing. Are you attending Alanon meetings or therapy? Both may be beneficial right now to help you sort out your feelings.
I know it feels painful right now. I've been there. Relying on my family and friends is what got me through it. Surround yourself with people you love who bring you happiness and do things you enjoy.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I really think you did the right thing. I'm so glad that you have family close enough by to help you through this patch. Maybe your Mom can help you figure out some of the specifics in the short term. I usually try to rely on people who's heads might be a little more clear than mine at the time. Big hugs.. you know where to find me if you need to talk.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I stayed with my mom for several months after I left, until I saved money and found my own place.
My ex was usually repentant those times he thought a separation was temporary, like when I would flee with the kids and go sleep on his parents' couch for a couple of nights. He'd send flowers, let his dad drag him to an AA meeting, all that good stuff to put on a show so I could see how sorry he was.
None of that lasted, though. As soon as he had money again he'd start right up on another bender like nothing had ever happened. Last summer, when he thought I was coming back he spent two months lying to me about going to meetings and getting help. He was drinking the whole time, having his bar buddies in and out of the house. He had gotten arrested wandering a country road and charged with public intox. I didn't find out about that until he asked for money to pay the fine. I told him no and he was enraged, refused to contribute a penny to doctor and dentist bills for our son. It was one huge party for him. The night I got back I put our son to bed and then went downstairs. He was sitting at the computer desk with his feet up, cracking open a beer- obviously not his first, judging from the collection of cans strewn around.
I was devastated. I said, "You were supposed to stop drinking and get help before I came back."
He looked at me like I had two heads and said, "When was me quitting drinking ever a condition of you coming back?" It had ALWAYS been the ONLY condition, but that was the moment I understood that drinking was more important to him than having a family.
I snatched that beer out of his hand and whipped it at his head. It exploded all over (it was mostly full). He laughed at me and grabbed another beer out of the drawer. I went upstairs and spent the night crying and planning how I was going to leave again.
Go cautious. Stick to your plans. You can watch from afar to see if he is in true recovery making progress or if this is just a ploy to trick you into coming back against your better judgement.
Hugs Blossom.
My ex was usually repentant those times he thought a separation was temporary, like when I would flee with the kids and go sleep on his parents' couch for a couple of nights. He'd send flowers, let his dad drag him to an AA meeting, all that good stuff to put on a show so I could see how sorry he was.
None of that lasted, though. As soon as he had money again he'd start right up on another bender like nothing had ever happened. Last summer, when he thought I was coming back he spent two months lying to me about going to meetings and getting help. He was drinking the whole time, having his bar buddies in and out of the house. He had gotten arrested wandering a country road and charged with public intox. I didn't find out about that until he asked for money to pay the fine. I told him no and he was enraged, refused to contribute a penny to doctor and dentist bills for our son. It was one huge party for him. The night I got back I put our son to bed and then went downstairs. He was sitting at the computer desk with his feet up, cracking open a beer- obviously not his first, judging from the collection of cans strewn around.
I was devastated. I said, "You were supposed to stop drinking and get help before I came back."
He looked at me like I had two heads and said, "When was me quitting drinking ever a condition of you coming back?" It had ALWAYS been the ONLY condition, but that was the moment I understood that drinking was more important to him than having a family.
I snatched that beer out of his hand and whipped it at his head. It exploded all over (it was mostly full). He laughed at me and grabbed another beer out of the drawer. I went upstairs and spent the night crying and planning how I was going to leave again.
Go cautious. Stick to your plans. You can watch from afar to see if he is in true recovery making progress or if this is just a ploy to trick you into coming back against your better judgement.
Hugs Blossom.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
With that threat he made and the fact he has loaded guns, if it were me I'd call a Domestic Violence hotline and get some info about a safe house for you and your child.
Be careful. Stay calm when talking to him, and maybe get a lawyer. If he makes any more threats, call the police.
I am worried for you and your baby and any family members you are staying with. I've been in your situation and it got worse when I left.
Be careful. Stay calm when talking to him, and maybe get a lawyer. If he makes any more threats, call the police.
I am worried for you and your baby and any family members you are staying with. I've been in your situation and it got worse when I left.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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ABF called me a few minutes ago, hes still pretty emotional. He said he's trying to find a treatment center to go to. He said that AA said that is what he needs right now, to detox and to get evaluated. I'm hoping it helps, and honestly, I'm hoping they keep him at least over night so I can go gather my things safely. I feel bad for hoping they admit him. Its selfish.
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Originally Posted by Blossom717 
ABF called me a few minutes ago, hes still pretty emotional. He said he's trying to find a treatment center to go to. He said that AA said that is what he needs right now, to detox and to get evaluated. I'm hoping it helps, and honestly, I'm hoping they keep him at least over night so I can go gather my things safely. I feel bad for hoping they admit him. Its selfish.
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Originally Posted by Blossom717
ABF called me a few minutes ago, hes still pretty emotional. He said he's trying to find a treatment center to go to. He said that AA said that is what he needs right now, to detox and to get evaluated. I'm hoping it helps, and honestly, I'm hoping they keep him at least over night so I can go gather my things safely. I feel bad for hoping they admit him. Its selfish.
I'm really sorry it came to this for you, & I really do hope he sees how badly he needs help. Don't take the advice on DV support too lightly, I agree with Dandy that better safe than sorry is the only way to think in light of his violent threats.
It's really awesome that you have a great support system to help out with DD though, I hope this transition goes smoothly for you both.
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O Blossom, I am so sorry. This is how it is so many times. It was for me too. You try to figure out a peaceful parting but it blows up into something really nasty. I would remove the guns from the house when you get your things. Don't forget any.
Hopefully he will do the things he says, but that is up to him. Right now you need to focus on keeping you and your baby safe. Today he has someone with him, but when he does not he may turn to drinking or pills again, so remember that in the risks you take with your baby.
Please stay safe. Breathe. Focus on you. Keep us updated, we are here for you!
Hopefully he will do the things he says, but that is up to him. Right now you need to focus on keeping you and your baby safe. Today he has someone with him, but when he does not he may turn to drinking or pills again, so remember that in the risks you take with your baby.
Please stay safe. Breathe. Focus on you. Keep us updated, we are here for you!
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He keeps calling. Trying to bargain. Wants us home, says he will only work on it if he knows we will come home. I said we will take it day by day, and he needs to focus on himself right now. He said there is an AA meeting hes going to, and has an appointment with a doctor at 3:30. The story has changed a few times, hes so frantic I can't tell if its because of his memory loss or if its because he's lying. He said his parents are going with him so I will ask them later. I told him I will be staying at my mom's tonight. I also told him he has t obe understanding of that. I've been understanding of him for 4 years.
I know there is a series of emotions before acceptance of the situation. Whats after bargaining?
I know there is a series of emotions before acceptance of the situation. Whats after bargaining?
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He will get angry and start trying to intimidate and threaten you. Be prepared to hear threats about taking away your daughter especially, he knows that is your soft spot. He might also threaten self harm again.
The fact that he is back pedaling and changing his story around does not bode well for his supposed attempt at recovery. It sounds more like manipulation to suck you back in. I always regretted going back, and wish now that I had left for good way before I did. If. I knew what I know now, I would have stayed in a homeless shelter before going back to live in that house.
Stay strong and stay safe. Once he realizes you're really gone, he will get raging angry.
The fact that he is back pedaling and changing his story around does not bode well for his supposed attempt at recovery. It sounds more like manipulation to suck you back in. I always regretted going back, and wish now that I had left for good way before I did. If. I knew what I know now, I would have stayed in a homeless shelter before going back to live in that house.
Stay strong and stay safe. Once he realizes you're really gone, he will get raging angry.
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I second Ladyscribbler.. this is the exact same thing mine does when I leave or am about to leave. It all comes out. The promises are followed by rage, threats, and I don't give a ***k's. Then when that doesn't work it'll be the I'm sorry's, I love yous, I can't live with out yous, I'll do anything. ..
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He's quacking Blossom. Running around like a chicken with his head cut off looking for a Band-Aid to fix his broken arm.
His next stages could be any variation of things: denial, blameshifting, ramping up abuse verbally/emotionally/physically, threatening you with child support, custody, etc. in regards to DD, he'll minimize, deflect & start telling people that you are Crazy because he is trying but you aren't hearing it. Then maybe he'll binge because you aren't there to tell him he can't & why not?
He still isn't understanding that he has a problem that exceeds your current disagreement/fight/anger. He doesn't understand the scope of the problem, IMO.
His next stages could be any variation of things: denial, blameshifting, ramping up abuse verbally/emotionally/physically, threatening you with child support, custody, etc. in regards to DD, he'll minimize, deflect & start telling people that you are Crazy because he is trying but you aren't hearing it. Then maybe he'll binge because you aren't there to tell him he can't & why not?
He still isn't understanding that he has a problem that exceeds your current disagreement/fight/anger. He doesn't understand the scope of the problem, IMO.
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The bargaining lasts a really long time as long as they feel there is hope. They will throw in a good dose of manipulation when they see you are standing your ground. They want to throw out in desperation that they will see the doctor and go to a meeting. They want immediate results so it can go back to how it was.
You have to focus on what YOU need, which is LONG TERM sobriety. When that clicks in their head that is what you are looking for, it can get nasty.
These are just the trends I have seen here. My X did the desperate negotiations for quite some time. Then he got his family to try which was awful. I saw the entire thing as the quacking it was, gently said what I needed and wanted and continued to plow forward.
Eventually it sinks in.
Hugs....
ps...My X actually accused me of having random affairs too. He also accused me of it being another woman at one point (hahaha, my door does not swing that way, not sure where that came from. Not a put down to anyone's who does, it was just funny b/c it came out of left field). I was calling him out on his behaviors and he was desperately making things up to make me look bad in his own mind. I actually wonder if he still believes it. He is such a narcissist that he thinks the only reason I would ever leave would be that I MUST be having an affair. Little does he know, I am not interested at all at this point and never had any affair. I just laughed it off and moved on.
You have to focus on what YOU need, which is LONG TERM sobriety. When that clicks in their head that is what you are looking for, it can get nasty.
These are just the trends I have seen here. My X did the desperate negotiations for quite some time. Then he got his family to try which was awful. I saw the entire thing as the quacking it was, gently said what I needed and wanted and continued to plow forward.
Eventually it sinks in.
Hugs....
ps...My X actually accused me of having random affairs too. He also accused me of it being another woman at one point (hahaha, my door does not swing that way, not sure where that came from. Not a put down to anyone's who does, it was just funny b/c it came out of left field). I was calling him out on his behaviors and he was desperately making things up to make me look bad in his own mind. I actually wonder if he still believes it. He is such a narcissist that he thinks the only reason I would ever leave would be that I MUST be having an affair. Little does he know, I am not interested at all at this point and never had any affair. I just laughed it off and moved on.
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There was a thread a few weeks back that outlined this process.. I'm looking for it, but maybe one of you wrote it..
It was a semi list format and said..
When that doesn't work he'll...
When that doesn't work he'll...
Does anyone remember what talking about, it seems spot on for this situation if we can find it
It was a semi list format and said..
When that doesn't work he'll...
When that doesn't work he'll...
Does anyone remember what talking about, it seems spot on for this situation if we can find it
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I called his stepmom to make sure that the appointment he said he had was real, and she said it was. She also said to go to the house, get some stuff and leave before he gets home. She said she'd text me/call when she knew he was on his way home.
She also suggested that he and I meet at like mcdonalds or something, somewhere neutral. Which is a good idea. She is a pretty smart lady.
So I'm leaving work early...I haven't been able to focus on much anyway. I'm going to scoop up dd and then run to the house to pick up extra clothes and some other things.
I know what everyone means now by "day by day"....I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, but as long as I can focus on now.
She also suggested that he and I meet at like mcdonalds or something, somewhere neutral. Which is a good idea. She is a pretty smart lady.
So I'm leaving work early...I haven't been able to focus on much anyway. I'm going to scoop up dd and then run to the house to pick up extra clothes and some other things.
I know what everyone means now by "day by day"....I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, but as long as I can focus on now.
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I would get your stuff and then get your daughter.
Batten the hatches. This is where things can get really crazy. Hang on to every recovery tool and every support you have. Keep doing the next right thing and remember that the 'right thing' is what is right for you and your daughter. It absolutely is. If you get confused about that (like I did) please come here, or review whatever recovery tools you use.
I've made two decisions that I regret more than any other and that led to more long term negative consequences than any other. One was allowing him to come home during a time when things were very similar to what you describe. He turned into someone I never dreamed possible. He did not get physical with any of us but I have no doubt that my kids incurred more mental/emotional damage during that time than they had in their entire life combined up to that point. It was horrible. The second bad decision was allowing visitation the first year. That was not only unsafe but very destructive to them and I just have to live with that. I wish I had been more clear.
Batten the hatches. This is where things can get really crazy. Hang on to every recovery tool and every support you have. Keep doing the next right thing and remember that the 'right thing' is what is right for you and your daughter. It absolutely is. If you get confused about that (like I did) please come here, or review whatever recovery tools you use.
I've made two decisions that I regret more than any other and that led to more long term negative consequences than any other. One was allowing him to come home during a time when things were very similar to what you describe. He turned into someone I never dreamed possible. He did not get physical with any of us but I have no doubt that my kids incurred more mental/emotional damage during that time than they had in their entire life combined up to that point. It was horrible. The second bad decision was allowing visitation the first year. That was not only unsafe but very destructive to them and I just have to live with that. I wish I had been more clear.
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Thumper, I too regret letting XAH come home during a time I should not have. It was right out of rehab, what a mistake. I ended up wasting a lot of years of my life because I could not stick to my own boundaries back then. Lesson learned, but a hard one.
XXX
XXX
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Yea I know that right now is not a good time to be at home with him and DD. his step mom is going to call me when hes on his way home from the doctor, which is at least 30 min away from the house. So I'd have enough time to get out of there. I'm getting DD first only because I think that will be his next stop after he leaves the drs. If I can get to her first, then go to the house then I will be okay if I forget a material item, but not if I can not get to her.
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