I left him. What now?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Blossom I'm sending you a big hug. I'm proud of you. I'm going through it now. I put my foot down mid June and it's been horrible-- but I keep moving forward knowing one day it will get better.
Sending you positive energy, prayers and hugs.
Be well and know you are doing the right thing.
Sending you positive energy, prayers and hugs.
Be well and know you are doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Blossom, I feel so selfish today. I always watch out for your posts. I didn't today. You are doing the right thing. I think his step mom is one smart cookie.
I'm glad that you can stay at your moms and get away from him.
How is that house thing going?
I don't think I even need to comment on this weekend. I think that was sufficiently addressed. I just feel like I want to hug you. Let you cry for awhile, then help you get through this and on with your life.
You and your daughter are so special to me.
I'm glad that you can stay at your moms and get away from him.
How is that house thing going?
I don't think I even need to comment on this weekend. I think that was sufficiently addressed. I just feel like I want to hug you. Let you cry for awhile, then help you get through this and on with your life.
You and your daughter are so special to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Amy55- don't feel selfish!! Thank you for reaching out!
I'm doing okay. They prescribed him anibuse and something else. I met him at Walmart while he got his prescriptions so he could see dd. he and his stepmom are kind of pressuring me into giving him a return date. I told him we will try Friday, but that's the Codie in me. I don't want to go back. He went to hold me hand yesterday and I thought I was going to puke.
He's actually doing everything I've wanted him to do, even asked if he could go to church with me. But I feel cut off and numb. Like a little too late, you know? I'm not sure what I'm going to do. He still wants to go on vacation next week, his brother won't talk to him though. And I don't think it's been enough time for him to be around drinkers.
But I'm going to just take today in. Go to work. I missed a lot yesterday because of this. So I'm going to be busy today.
Thank you for checking in everyone. My mom knows I come here, and when I was talking to her she said "well what has the group said?"
I'm doing okay. They prescribed him anibuse and something else. I met him at Walmart while he got his prescriptions so he could see dd. he and his stepmom are kind of pressuring me into giving him a return date. I told him we will try Friday, but that's the Codie in me. I don't want to go back. He went to hold me hand yesterday and I thought I was going to puke.
He's actually doing everything I've wanted him to do, even asked if he could go to church with me. But I feel cut off and numb. Like a little too late, you know? I'm not sure what I'm going to do. He still wants to go on vacation next week, his brother won't talk to him though. And I don't think it's been enough time for him to be around drinkers.
But I'm going to just take today in. Go to work. I missed a lot yesterday because of this. So I'm going to be busy today.
Thank you for checking in everyone. My mom knows I come here, and when I was talking to her she said "well what has the group said?"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
A couple days recovery doesn't mean he's better. A couple months is starting to show progress... he's probably barely detoxed at this point. Note what you and the surrounding family is used to- drunken threats with guns in the house and a couple days later they're talking about you two getting back together.
Some reason ALL the parents are not on this board and/or going to AA/alanon mtgs, a new #1 priority to HANDLE the alcoholism instead of bury it like they've always done?
Keep your priorities Blossom and don't give in just because he started acting nice for a couple days!
Some reason ALL the parents are not on this board and/or going to AA/alanon mtgs, a new #1 priority to HANDLE the alcoholism instead of bury it like they've always done?
Keep your priorities Blossom and don't give in just because he started acting nice for a couple days!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I'm doing okay. They prescribed him anibuse and something else. I met him at Walmart while he got his prescriptions so he could see dd. he and his stepmom are kind of pressuring me into giving him a return date. I told him we will try Friday, but that's the Codie in me. I don't want to go back. He went to hold me hand yesterday and I thought I was going to puke.
He's actually doing everything I've wanted him to do, even asked if he could go to church with me. But I feel cut off and numb. Like a little too late, you know? I'm not sure what I'm going to do. He still wants to go on vacation next week, his brother won't talk to him though. And I don't think it's been enough time for him to be around drinkers.
He's actually doing everything I've wanted him to do, even asked if he could go to church with me. But I feel cut off and numb. Like a little too late, you know? I'm not sure what I'm going to do. He still wants to go on vacation next week, his brother won't talk to him though. And I don't think it's been enough time for him to be around drinkers.
You can pass on the vacation. You can graciously say, "Thanks so much for inviting me to go, but it's really not a good time for me right now. Enjoy yourself and bring me back a souvenir!"
What you want, and what you have now that he is out of your immediate living space, is time and distance. You need distance to get some perspective on where he is and where you are, and time so you can focus on repairing the cracks in the lighthouse, polishing that big lighthouse bulb, and looking at the ocean for a bit, time to rebuild, time to fill your cup, get a drink of water. You need time so you can see if what he is showing you today is a permanent change, or if he is white knuckling it just long enough to get you back into the addiction/codependency net.
When my XAH and started to split up (and reconcile, and split up, and reconcile) what folks told me here that the time to start TALKING about getting back together was when he could hand me his 1 year AA chip. I didn't fully appreciate what that meant until I spent a year with a newly recovering addict and saw and felt all the false starts, confusion, lies, broken promises, hiding, stealing, and general continuance of addict behavior that hurt me when he was using. And the relapses, OH THE RELAPSES. Relapse after relapse. We did this for two years. What helped me to finally understand and deal with the situation was to change my pace to VERY SLOW and VERY STILL and I stood back, stopped fixing, stopped listening to him and his enablers, and started watching. What did they do when I wasn't helping? What did they do when I don't rush in to fix things? How will he be if I don't save him? I ignored his words, and looked instead at his actions. And in there was everything I wanted to know about our relationship.
I saw this online yesterday and it made me think about all of us here and how we continued to settle for sub-par relationships, for whatever reason:
“Did you ask them to change that thing they do that hurts you?” “Yes.” “Did they change it?” “No.” “Dump them." Which counters the “relationships take work!” narrative, which feels like telling people they should always be a little bit disappointed. You should not always be a little bit disappointed. You deserve to always be ******* pumped. Like, from day 1. Pumped as hell.
You don't sound pumped about this guy at all. Not at all. You shouldn't have to be disappointed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Everything Florence and schnappi said, plus always remember that his family's #1 priority is making sure that your bf has someone to take care of him, because they do not want to have to deal with him.
If he is serious about recovery and not just quacking to suck you back in, then there should be no problem with you skipping that vacation and staying gone. If they get angry when you fail to respond to their pressure, that is a red flag. My ex's mom was my main cheerleader when I left for that "temporary" separation. When I went to her and told her it was going to be permanent, she turned on me so fast my head spun. Screaming, cursing, calling me names, threatening to try to take away my youngest son. She even went so far as to snatch him out of my arms and try to leave the house with him.
There is no reason to rush back to your old living situation if you are not ready, no reason to go on that vacation if you don't want to go. Stay strong and calm. Hugs.
If he is serious about recovery and not just quacking to suck you back in, then there should be no problem with you skipping that vacation and staying gone. If they get angry when you fail to respond to their pressure, that is a red flag. My ex's mom was my main cheerleader when I left for that "temporary" separation. When I went to her and told her it was going to be permanent, she turned on me so fast my head spun. Screaming, cursing, calling me names, threatening to try to take away my youngest son. She even went so far as to snatch him out of my arms and try to leave the house with him.
There is no reason to rush back to your old living situation if you are not ready, no reason to go on that vacation if you don't want to go. Stay strong and calm. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Blossom, you can take back your life and no one can tell you what it should look like. You are a strong woman and you will make the best decision for you and your daughter no matter what others are trying to put on you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
I talked to him this morning, he turned angry. I told him calmly that I would support him in getting better, but I have to support me too. I told them I would come back Friday (but I know I can change my mind if I want, and I probably will. )
I told him flat out that I wouldn't be back to stay any sooner than that and he got angry and said that I'm not supporting him, that its not fair he has to do this by himself. Well, I dealt with this for almost 4 years by myself. And I told him that. He didn't go to work today either.
They gave him something to help with DTs, but I can see it starting to hit him. Right now he's blaming it on his nerves from me and dd not being there. Us being there isn't going to fix him. I told him that its not automatic, that he isn't better yet. He tried to tell me he has himself under control...in between sobs. That is not under control. That is pitiful.
I'm trying really hard not to snap at him. He is picking up DD today, or says he is. So he can spend time with her. I'm prepared for that. She hasn't been really receptive of him lately though. He knows I am coming up to get her after work.
I also talked to his step mom this morning, Ladyscribbler. I think she's like your mother in law. Shes all for this temporary separation, as long as I am coming home eventually. She hasn't exactly said that but I know that is what this is. She told me to do what is best for me and dd...but I don't know if she understands what is best because Its not coming home yet.
I'm taking today as today. I'm going to be nice to myself. I'm working on not feeling guilty. DD didn't want to go to bed last night and seemed to have a panic attack. She hit me repeatedly and said "no night night, no night night!!" Shes never acted like that before. I guess I didn't expect her to act like that, but I should know better. Its her life too. Which does make me feel a little guilty.
I told him flat out that I wouldn't be back to stay any sooner than that and he got angry and said that I'm not supporting him, that its not fair he has to do this by himself. Well, I dealt with this for almost 4 years by myself. And I told him that. He didn't go to work today either.
They gave him something to help with DTs, but I can see it starting to hit him. Right now he's blaming it on his nerves from me and dd not being there. Us being there isn't going to fix him. I told him that its not automatic, that he isn't better yet. He tried to tell me he has himself under control...in between sobs. That is not under control. That is pitiful.
I'm trying really hard not to snap at him. He is picking up DD today, or says he is. So he can spend time with her. I'm prepared for that. She hasn't been really receptive of him lately though. He knows I am coming up to get her after work.
I also talked to his step mom this morning, Ladyscribbler. I think she's like your mother in law. Shes all for this temporary separation, as long as I am coming home eventually. She hasn't exactly said that but I know that is what this is. She told me to do what is best for me and dd...but I don't know if she understands what is best because Its not coming home yet.
I'm taking today as today. I'm going to be nice to myself. I'm working on not feeling guilty. DD didn't want to go to bed last night and seemed to have a panic attack. She hit me repeatedly and said "no night night, no night night!!" Shes never acted like that before. I guess I didn't expect her to act like that, but I should know better. Its her life too. Which does make me feel a little guilty.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Blossom717 
I talked to him this morning and he said "I need you both here" I need this, i need that. I realized that he thinks he needs us, but our daughter and I need more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
I saw this online yesterday and it made me think about all of us here and how we continued to settle for sub-par relationships, for whatever reason:
“Did you ask them to change that thing they do that hurts you?” “Yes.” “Did they change it?” “No.” “Dump them." Which counters the “relationships take work!” narrative, which feels like telling people they should always be a little bit disappointed. You should not always be a little bit disappointed. You deserve to always be ******* pumped. Like, from day 1. Pumped as hell.
You don't sound pumped about this guy at all. Not at all. You shouldn't have to be disappointed.[/QUOTE]
Thanks for sharing that! I'm not pumped.
“Did you ask them to change that thing they do that hurts you?” “Yes.” “Did they change it?” “No.” “Dump them." Which counters the “relationships take work!” narrative, which feels like telling people they should always be a little bit disappointed. You should not always be a little bit disappointed. You deserve to always be ******* pumped. Like, from day 1. Pumped as hell.
You don't sound pumped about this guy at all. Not at all. You shouldn't have to be disappointed.[/QUOTE]
Thanks for sharing that! I'm not pumped.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Blossom, I'm really sorry for what you and DD are going through. It's tough to find a balance between protecting yourself and protecting the alcoholic from their own insanity...
What stood out for me in your posts is that he has been verbally abusive to you, that there are loaded guns in the house,he threatens suicide, AA recommended to have him assessed (for a mental illness I suppose), he seems angry, controlling and agitated and poor little sweetheart DD suffers from panic attacks, while he insists on unsupervised pick-up time with DD.
I think it's very very wise of you to listen to your gut feeling and ignore the pressure you get from ah and his mom as much is possible.
You are NOT selfish, but a role model to DD by making her and yourself a priority.
Please make sure you and DD are safe, the alcoholic mind can be unpredictable.
What stood out for me in your posts is that he has been verbally abusive to you, that there are loaded guns in the house,he threatens suicide, AA recommended to have him assessed (for a mental illness I suppose), he seems angry, controlling and agitated and poor little sweetheart DD suffers from panic attacks, while he insists on unsupervised pick-up time with DD.
I think it's very very wise of you to listen to your gut feeling and ignore the pressure you get from ah and his mom as much is possible.
You are NOT selfish, but a role model to DD by making her and yourself a priority.
Please make sure you and DD are safe, the alcoholic mind can be unpredictable.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
He will get angry and start trying to intimidate and threaten you. Be prepared to hear threats about taking away your daughter especially, he knows that is your soft spot. He might also threaten self harm again.
The fact that he is back pedaling and changing his story around does not bode well for his supposed attempt at recovery. It sounds more like manipulation to suck you back in. I always regretted going back, and wish now that I had left for good way before I did. If. I knew what I know now, I would have stayed in a homeless shelter before going back to live in that house.
Stay strong and stay safe. Once he realizes you're really gone, he will get raging angry.
The fact that he is back pedaling and changing his story around does not bode well for his supposed attempt at recovery. It sounds more like manipulation to suck you back in. I always regretted going back, and wish now that I had left for good way before I did. If. I knew what I know now, I would have stayed in a homeless shelter before going back to live in that house.
Stay strong and stay safe. Once he realizes you're really gone, he will get raging angry.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
