Finally getting to the other side!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Finally getting to the other side!!
So it is 2 o clock in the morning. I cannot sleep. I just prayed to my HP and now I am posting here as DD6 is cuddled up next to me in bed. Because separated AH have known each other since 7th grade, we have so many people in common between family and friends...its hard to avoid the unsolicited reportings I get from time to time. I usually politely say "its not my business" or "i dont need to know". Tonight for some reason I looked and I know this was self-inflicted but I was shown a picture of my separated AH and enabling gf kissing. That image is burned in my mind.
I am not romanticizing what they have. We are still married legally. He is still active A with no desire to seek recovery. As I mentioned in a previous thread he just cashed out his 401k and gave it all to me last week to help me secure my apartment and told me he doesnt want to be paid back. He also buys the protein drinks that are expensive that I cut out because I still cannot eat regularly since the cancer. I suffer dry mouth and side effects from the head and neck cancer so I can only take in protein drinks, soft foods I can swallow, etc...So he came for DD6 the other day while I was grabbing her backpack, he put a bunch of those drinks in my fridge because he knows I havent been drinking them since I was suffering financially. When I dont drink them, my mouth is dry and I dont annunciate well, etc..so it is obvious. When separated AH would do things like that I would immediately think "he still loves me...there may be a chance" or "the man I love is somewhere inside". Even up to this past Friday evening, when he came for DD6 he wanted to be with me physically...
Now I am just at the point where I am just so passed all of that!! I am a good woman. I am a fantastic mother. I am beautiful on the inside and a woman of God. God healed me from Stage 4 head and neck cancer for a reason and I am not going to waste this life. Yes, separated AH does kind things for me at times but he is also the same man who emotionally, verbally and physically abused me. He has done such horrid things like throw coffee on me the morning of my hysterectomy, throw me against the wall, kick me in the back, broken multiple cell phones and the topper is abandoned me emotionally when I was going through all the cancer treatments. He even yelled at me on one of the days I had surgery saying that I am not the first person to have surgery and I needed to suck it up.
I pray for him and love him from a distance...but I have no desire to be there again. I feel sorry because I know the abuse he endured as a child but is no excuse for the horrible way he has behaved to me. I have read on here repeatedly that when you are finally done, you will just know and tonight when I saw that picture...something inside me just clicked. Its not about them as a couple but more about how far apart he and I are as people now. I mean he just handed me $4k last week, putting my protein drinks in my fridge and tried to be with me on Friday night (which was his gf bday by the way)...his reality is so skewed and he is such a tortured sole. Before if I saw a pic like that, Id react and call him out, etc...but the reality is when he relapsed 2 years ago things are just progressively getting worse because he is untreated.
I have to keeping moving forward and making good choices that make me feel good inside. I am so proud of myself for not staying with him and that our daughter will not have to grow up in an alcoholic household. I am so proud of myself and I can just see the reality in it instead of being emotional about it. I am happy and peaceful. I may struggle financially right now but that will not always be the case. This year is a rebuilding year for me financially and if thats one of the fallouts I have to deal with because if my illness, so be it! I will never take another day for granted and am almost embarassed lately I have given him so much space in my mind!
Anyway friends, I just wanted to shout it out from the rooftops that I am finally on the other side of this now! I finally know my worth!!! This road I have had to travel has been hard but i am so grateful to be where I am today! I wanted to come on here and post my thoughts and feelings instead of sending him an email or text that he would never comprehend right now anyway. Thank you SR friends for all you have done for me!
I am not romanticizing what they have. We are still married legally. He is still active A with no desire to seek recovery. As I mentioned in a previous thread he just cashed out his 401k and gave it all to me last week to help me secure my apartment and told me he doesnt want to be paid back. He also buys the protein drinks that are expensive that I cut out because I still cannot eat regularly since the cancer. I suffer dry mouth and side effects from the head and neck cancer so I can only take in protein drinks, soft foods I can swallow, etc...So he came for DD6 the other day while I was grabbing her backpack, he put a bunch of those drinks in my fridge because he knows I havent been drinking them since I was suffering financially. When I dont drink them, my mouth is dry and I dont annunciate well, etc..so it is obvious. When separated AH would do things like that I would immediately think "he still loves me...there may be a chance" or "the man I love is somewhere inside". Even up to this past Friday evening, when he came for DD6 he wanted to be with me physically...
Now I am just at the point where I am just so passed all of that!! I am a good woman. I am a fantastic mother. I am beautiful on the inside and a woman of God. God healed me from Stage 4 head and neck cancer for a reason and I am not going to waste this life. Yes, separated AH does kind things for me at times but he is also the same man who emotionally, verbally and physically abused me. He has done such horrid things like throw coffee on me the morning of my hysterectomy, throw me against the wall, kick me in the back, broken multiple cell phones and the topper is abandoned me emotionally when I was going through all the cancer treatments. He even yelled at me on one of the days I had surgery saying that I am not the first person to have surgery and I needed to suck it up.
I pray for him and love him from a distance...but I have no desire to be there again. I feel sorry because I know the abuse he endured as a child but is no excuse for the horrible way he has behaved to me. I have read on here repeatedly that when you are finally done, you will just know and tonight when I saw that picture...something inside me just clicked. Its not about them as a couple but more about how far apart he and I are as people now. I mean he just handed me $4k last week, putting my protein drinks in my fridge and tried to be with me on Friday night (which was his gf bday by the way)...his reality is so skewed and he is such a tortured sole. Before if I saw a pic like that, Id react and call him out, etc...but the reality is when he relapsed 2 years ago things are just progressively getting worse because he is untreated.
I have to keeping moving forward and making good choices that make me feel good inside. I am so proud of myself for not staying with him and that our daughter will not have to grow up in an alcoholic household. I am so proud of myself and I can just see the reality in it instead of being emotional about it. I am happy and peaceful. I may struggle financially right now but that will not always be the case. This year is a rebuilding year for me financially and if thats one of the fallouts I have to deal with because if my illness, so be it! I will never take another day for granted and am almost embarassed lately I have given him so much space in my mind!
Anyway friends, I just wanted to shout it out from the rooftops that I am finally on the other side of this now! I finally know my worth!!! This road I have had to travel has been hard but i am so grateful to be where I am today! I wanted to come on here and post my thoughts and feelings instead of sending him an email or text that he would never comprehend right now anyway. Thank you SR friends for all you have done for me!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I'm so happy for you IAT. It's been a long and complicated journey for you, and its wonderful what you've achieved through your own efforts and striving for tranquility.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Iamthird.....I remember some of those darker times that you speak of (when you were going through chemo, esp.!!). I marvel at the growth that I have seen in you. You certainly have demonstrated a tenacity of the Spirit.dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
my brother is a parotid cancer survivor (adenoid cystic carcinoma). I know how targeted the chemo treatments are/were for you...and the surgeries are nothing to "suck up"
wishing you clean bone scans for the next 25 years....and your X? he behaved as low as possible, let his guilt about what he's done wash over him. I hope your appetite and ability to eat normal foods returns soon...my brother loved pancakes.
wishing you clean bone scans for the next 25 years....and your X? he behaved as low as possible, let his guilt about what he's done wash over him. I hope your appetite and ability to eat normal foods returns soon...my brother loved pancakes.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Your are SUCH an inspiration to me! I can't get over how your growth & success in recovery just shine right through in your posts. I know you've struggled a lot & even lately have been feeling a bit low...... I'm elated for you to read this positive, uplifting update after all of the challenges you have overcome in the last few years.
Keep going IA3, you are just AMAZING!!!!!!
Keep going IA3, you are just AMAZING!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Great to hear that you are doing better emotionally and recognize the situation for what it truly is. Your own recovery is shining through. That must be so tough for you when he sends you mixed signals like that. Keep focusing on what is best for you. You are a survivor in so many more ways than one. You have the ability to conquer anything that comes your way!
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