Abuse victims, hostages, brainwashed.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
There's a little antique co-op that I'm definitely hitting up! I'll buy something awesome for my walls, and hang it in your honor. I get the keys Tuesday, so it will be a busy week for sure. Mixed feelings but I'll get through it day at a time, I know. I don't think I would have been able to do this without the advice from you and everyone else here, seriously. Especially in those first couple touch-and-go months after I left, everything felt so fragile and raw for me.
Thank you so much, Amy. You are a caring, compassionate, fiercely intelligent and thoughtful person. I really appreciate everything so much. ((hugs))
Thank you so much, Amy. You are a caring, compassionate, fiercely intelligent and thoughtful person. I really appreciate everything so much. ((hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I don't know how to explain it. I was trying to "wall myself" off again. I do this a lot. I don't want to feel hurt, I don't want to feel another persons hurt. I want to go back into my cave where nothing matters. I've been there many years, or I tried to be there for many s years.
Maybe I was alway trying to fool myself. I never wanted those powers to care or to feel empathy for another. I was cursed with that. I did feel, and I did feel pain, and hurt. I can't shut myself away, (which at times I do want to do), I love people too much. I don't really even care if they don't like me. I like them.
Ok, so another July PTSD post of mine, the worst time of the year for me. Sorry.
I have things that I need to deal with, but I do think that I can.
Maybe I was alway trying to fool myself. I never wanted those powers to care or to feel empathy for another. I was cursed with that. I did feel, and I did feel pain, and hurt. I can't shut myself away, (which at times I do want to do), I love people too much. I don't really even care if they don't like me. I like them.
Ok, so another July PTSD post of mine, the worst time of the year for me. Sorry.
I have things that I need to deal with, but I do think that I can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I have always felt like a fraud here. I'm an RA. Actually don't even know if I am really an A. I left my A, and I drank for awhile, after all that is what I was doing when things in life the worst they could be for me. I joined here when I just couldn't do it anymore. I bought a foreclosure. I drank everyday from the moment I woke up, till I passed out at night. I knew a lot about home repairs, but I didn't know what you had to do to replace the whole sub floor because prior owners spilled oil all over the carpet
Then I was invaded by carpenter bees, and carpenter ants.
No excuse for drinking, but I did. I was used to this to numb myself for situations that I couldnt handle.
I joined SR then. For me. I was out of control, and my life wasn't manageable. I could have kept drinking, and I guess I would have hit my bottom. I had no real floors. Winter was coming. I knew I needed help. Oh, how that hurt me admit that I needed help. (More painful then pulling a tooth out). I needed help.
Finally got a contractor in here that actually showed up, and was willing to do this. I had tried at least 15 other places.
So sometimes where am I going with this, and why do I feel like a fraud?
I don't know if I am an alcoholic? or if it was just the stress. Don't care to find out, so I just don't drink.
Ex-Spouse ---- drank way more then me, but would abuse me drunk or sober.
This is why I question if I should be here or not.
Then I was invaded by carpenter bees, and carpenter ants.
No excuse for drinking, but I did. I was used to this to numb myself for situations that I couldnt handle.
I joined SR then. For me. I was out of control, and my life wasn't manageable. I could have kept drinking, and I guess I would have hit my bottom. I had no real floors. Winter was coming. I knew I needed help. Oh, how that hurt me admit that I needed help. (More painful then pulling a tooth out). I needed help.
Finally got a contractor in here that actually showed up, and was willing to do this. I had tried at least 15 other places.
So sometimes where am I going with this, and why do I feel like a fraud?
I don't know if I am an alcoholic? or if it was just the stress. Don't care to find out, so I just don't drink.
Ex-Spouse ---- drank way more then me, but would abuse me drunk or sober.
This is why I question if I should be here or not.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
You absolutely do belong here, Amy. Your past drinking does not somehow negate his drinking and abuse.
Are you an alcoholic? Well, maybe that's for you to decide. To me it sounds like you were cope-drinking, self medicating away the stress. You made a very smart choice to not head down that road once you realized what was happening. Either way, you absolutely do belong here.
Amy, I've learned here (and from my counselor) that alcoholism and abuse are bedfellows. Whether you left him because of the abuse only, the drinking only, or a combination of both-- you absolutely do belong here.
It's funny how our minds play tricks on us, isn't it?-- it must be a codie thing. I've told myself I don't belong here either since my H is a binge drinker, not a daily drinker. Just like he hasn't really been abusive because he never hauled off and hit me. I know it's twisted thinking, but it sure happens nonetheless.
Are you an alcoholic? Well, maybe that's for you to decide. To me it sounds like you were cope-drinking, self medicating away the stress. You made a very smart choice to not head down that road once you realized what was happening. Either way, you absolutely do belong here.
Amy, I've learned here (and from my counselor) that alcoholism and abuse are bedfellows. Whether you left him because of the abuse only, the drinking only, or a combination of both-- you absolutely do belong here.
It's funny how our minds play tricks on us, isn't it?-- it must be a codie thing. I've told myself I don't belong here either since my H is a binge drinker, not a daily drinker. Just like he hasn't really been abusive because he never hauled off and hit me. I know it's twisted thinking, but it sure happens nonetheless.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Wherever we go, there we are.
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by amy55 
People come in here, they just want to be held, and loved, they never felt that before. So we go the alanon route. Tough love. Turn they people away, people that really need help. I know I needed it.
Sure, I understand that so many of the people here have been there, they have the benefit of recovery and/or 20/20 hindsight, and want to save people from more pain. But I think a lot of people forget that for those who are new or going through new/extremely challenging experiences, we don't know what we don't know. Also, that anyone experiencing abuse probably already feels invalidated, doesn't trust themselves, suffers from crippling insecurity and may not do so well with "tough love" given they already live with "tough love."
And sometimes - we just need to VENT and get it out, even repeatedly. HP forbid. Wow, imagine if everyone here mentioned an issue once and it was resolved and never brought up again. Progress not perfection. I can't imagine going through the changes that some of the members here post about. I'd probably be asking the same questions too, a couple times. We all need gentle reminders occasionally.
Just my 39 cents.
P.S. Amy you mentioned Al Anon - there is the program saying that "unacceptable behavior is unacceptable", but it isn't meant to be a tough love approach by any means, based on my understanding. In my experience the recovering Al Anon response is one of support, validation, understanding and compassion, while urging members to focus on and take care of themselves. No, SR is not an Al Anon site though some members are in the program. Perhaps it would be worth considering having a "Friends and Family: 12-step Support" forum to compliment the Alcoholism 12-step forum?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
There is a saying that I heard a long time ago that I have to keep reminding myself of:
What do you get when you send an a$$hole to AA? A sober a$$hole.
My XAH has supposedly been clean/sober for going on 2.5 years. Ok, great. But he still tries to intimidate me, makes threats, blows up, is arrogant, rude, presumptive, condecending and in general, just awful. He is also Bipolar, for which he takes no meds. Some of his behavior is the bipolar but a lot of it is just that he is an abuser and refuses to change.
I have gone bare minimal contact with him because I just have higher standards for the company I keep these days. He assumes that because he is clean/sober that we should be besties 'cause we need to coparent. Yet his dumbassery comes through loud and clear every day using/drinking or not.
Today it was: "I had an arguement with my landlord and so he said he won't be renewing my lease in June 2015".
Once put through the dumbass-to-English translator, that means "I want to move into an apartment with my 13th Step girlfriend but I want it to look like I was a victim of circumstance so I don't have to listen to your thoughts on my latest stupid choice. Oh and by the way - that's when I'll be filing for a change in custody."
I know some of ya'll will say I am reading into this but this has been going on forever.
I'm not staying away from him because of his using past, I'm staying away because even if none of that had ever happened he is just an abusive jerk. And it took me 20 years to figure it out. I used to kick myself over that but I realized that my emotional development stopped right around 12 years old. So I try to be extra gentle with myself when I feel like I'm not where other people my age are in life.
As Joyce Meyer says, "You may not be where you want to be but thank God you aren't where you used to be!"
This isn't easy, what we do here. It takes time and our HP is setting the pace. Sometimes that is hard to accept. Please keep coming back if you can.
What do you get when you send an a$$hole to AA? A sober a$$hole.
My XAH has supposedly been clean/sober for going on 2.5 years. Ok, great. But he still tries to intimidate me, makes threats, blows up, is arrogant, rude, presumptive, condecending and in general, just awful. He is also Bipolar, for which he takes no meds. Some of his behavior is the bipolar but a lot of it is just that he is an abuser and refuses to change.
I have gone bare minimal contact with him because I just have higher standards for the company I keep these days. He assumes that because he is clean/sober that we should be besties 'cause we need to coparent. Yet his dumbassery comes through loud and clear every day using/drinking or not.
Today it was: "I had an arguement with my landlord and so he said he won't be renewing my lease in June 2015".
Once put through the dumbass-to-English translator, that means "I want to move into an apartment with my 13th Step girlfriend but I want it to look like I was a victim of circumstance so I don't have to listen to your thoughts on my latest stupid choice. Oh and by the way - that's when I'll be filing for a change in custody."
I know some of ya'll will say I am reading into this but this has been going on forever.
I'm not staying away from him because of his using past, I'm staying away because even if none of that had ever happened he is just an abusive jerk. And it took me 20 years to figure it out. I used to kick myself over that but I realized that my emotional development stopped right around 12 years old. So I try to be extra gentle with myself when I feel like I'm not where other people my age are in life.
As Joyce Meyer says, "You may not be where you want to be but thank God you aren't where you used to be!"
This isn't easy, what we do here. It takes time and our HP is setting the pace. Sometimes that is hard to accept. Please keep coming back if you can.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Hi Amy,
I don't really know you but I do know that anytime you've responded to a post I've been grateful. You have no concept of how valuable you are and how one of your post changes the lives of another, it's because of you and people like you who've gone ahead of me in this world that I am still able to believe in a better life for myself.
I think it's good that you're getting all of this out and it sounds like it's just what the doctor ordered. Also, take the advice you need and leave the rest.. Everyone is on a different journey, don't take the insults personally.. People just get thick skinned after being so burnt in life things just come out harsh at times.
I too was in love with an alcoholic, his drinking wasn't ever abusive, his drinking caused him to cheat and lie a lot so that was a deal breaker for me.. But I think I could have forgiven him for it... The main issue was in his sober state he was incredibly abusive, insulting, degrading, demeaning and cruel towards my son and I. He broke me completely, he isolated me, and made me feel like the scum of the earth.. Now I walk around this way and people see it in my eyes.. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me and hurts so much. I feel your pain.
Vent, let it out .. Tomorrow is a new day
I don't really know you but I do know that anytime you've responded to a post I've been grateful. You have no concept of how valuable you are and how one of your post changes the lives of another, it's because of you and people like you who've gone ahead of me in this world that I am still able to believe in a better life for myself.
I think it's good that you're getting all of this out and it sounds like it's just what the doctor ordered. Also, take the advice you need and leave the rest.. Everyone is on a different journey, don't take the insults personally.. People just get thick skinned after being so burnt in life things just come out harsh at times.
I too was in love with an alcoholic, his drinking wasn't ever abusive, his drinking caused him to cheat and lie a lot so that was a deal breaker for me.. But I think I could have forgiven him for it... The main issue was in his sober state he was incredibly abusive, insulting, degrading, demeaning and cruel towards my son and I. He broke me completely, he isolated me, and made me feel like the scum of the earth.. Now I walk around this way and people see it in my eyes.. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me and hurts so much. I feel your pain.
Vent, let it out .. Tomorrow is a new day
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If you read the description of the friends and family forum it states this forum is "Open to all who love someone who is addicted to Alcohol, whether they have admitted a problem or not. Discuss coping tools, and learn basic recovery techniques for you, not the alcoholic."
That is you. So whether you are or are not and alcoholic IMO is not applicable. That you had a drinking problem at the very least, and used alcohol to cope also gives you experience here because you are not the only one. Your knowledge regarding abuse vs. alcoholism and ideals that if the person will stop drinking they ail stop abusing is SO important.
Just a suggestion - i saw you had a couple of posts earlier regarding some issues you are going through post-divorce. I know you were advised to just handle it your self by your attorney. Maybe you should not. Maybe you should just hire someone else. Maybe never having anything to do with this man under any circumstance is the best idea - I think just working on this and having to contact him might have thrown you into this PTSD episode. You have nothing to prove, I don't care how" easy" it is.
I once saw on here a post a long time ago - someone had written that their EX abusive AH had died. She said she had never had contact with him after the divorce but thought she may go to the funeral just to make sure he was dead. I thought it an amusing statement at first but realized she was serious. Sometimes no contact no matter what is just the way to go.
Hoping today is a bette day for you and that you got some rest - my thoughts and prayers were with you last night and today.
That is you. So whether you are or are not and alcoholic IMO is not applicable. That you had a drinking problem at the very least, and used alcohol to cope also gives you experience here because you are not the only one. Your knowledge regarding abuse vs. alcoholism and ideals that if the person will stop drinking they ail stop abusing is SO important.
Just a suggestion - i saw you had a couple of posts earlier regarding some issues you are going through post-divorce. I know you were advised to just handle it your self by your attorney. Maybe you should not. Maybe you should just hire someone else. Maybe never having anything to do with this man under any circumstance is the best idea - I think just working on this and having to contact him might have thrown you into this PTSD episode. You have nothing to prove, I don't care how" easy" it is.
I once saw on here a post a long time ago - someone had written that their EX abusive AH had died. She said she had never had contact with him after the divorce but thought she may go to the funeral just to make sure he was dead. I thought it an amusing statement at first but realized she was serious. Sometimes no contact no matter what is just the way to go.
Hoping today is a bette day for you and that you got some rest - my thoughts and prayers were with you last night and today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Hi Amy,
Thank you for this thread!
I have considered leaving SR permanently twice. In both cases, I felt ganged up on by people here to the point that I was just reeling. The mods wrote to me that it wasn't my fault and that some people here need to basically get a grip.
I, too, am dealing with long term PTSD, chronic insomnia and probably mild depression. I am coping as best I can and I am stumbling about a bit in the aftermath of a bad DV situation.
And I know from having been on the other side, having worked as an advocate for survivors of rape and DV, that some of the responses from people on SR are just wrong. WRONG. You can't approach people that way. Yes, people have some excellent advice and a wealth of experienced to share. But don't be so harsh that you frighten off all of those poor folks going through h**l with an abusive A who are reading in the wings and haven't even ventured out to post anything for fear of a lashing from well meant, but over zealous members.
Amy, as to your individual situation. I agree that you might feel better to have a lawyer dealing with this. I have had to back way off on hiring lawyers to deal with xah, because I can't afford them and I have learned that xah will continue to make my life h**l every way that he can forever. I can't keep paying lawyers forever! But at the same time, I can't deal with xah without some support. Maybe you could find a domestic violence legal advocate to help you. Where xah lives there is one that I consult with from time to time, but she has others out there who need her immediately for dangerous situations, which I, thankfully, am no longer in necessarily.
I think you need back up. You are capable, smart and experienced but I think that you ptsd resurfaces when you deal with your x. I know mine does. And when you get used to ptsd there is a tendency to try to ignore it but it won't be ignored. It will affect you and come out in other ways.
I send you big (((HUGS))) and a big thank you for your honesty and thoughtfulness.
Thank you for this thread!
I have considered leaving SR permanently twice. In both cases, I felt ganged up on by people here to the point that I was just reeling. The mods wrote to me that it wasn't my fault and that some people here need to basically get a grip.
I, too, am dealing with long term PTSD, chronic insomnia and probably mild depression. I am coping as best I can and I am stumbling about a bit in the aftermath of a bad DV situation.
And I know from having been on the other side, having worked as an advocate for survivors of rape and DV, that some of the responses from people on SR are just wrong. WRONG. You can't approach people that way. Yes, people have some excellent advice and a wealth of experienced to share. But don't be so harsh that you frighten off all of those poor folks going through h**l with an abusive A who are reading in the wings and haven't even ventured out to post anything for fear of a lashing from well meant, but over zealous members.
Amy, as to your individual situation. I agree that you might feel better to have a lawyer dealing with this. I have had to back way off on hiring lawyers to deal with xah, because I can't afford them and I have learned that xah will continue to make my life h**l every way that he can forever. I can't keep paying lawyers forever! But at the same time, I can't deal with xah without some support. Maybe you could find a domestic violence legal advocate to help you. Where xah lives there is one that I consult with from time to time, but she has others out there who need her immediately for dangerous situations, which I, thankfully, am no longer in necessarily.
I think you need back up. You are capable, smart and experienced but I think that you ptsd resurfaces when you deal with your x. I know mine does. And when you get used to ptsd there is a tendency to try to ignore it but it won't be ignored. It will affect you and come out in other ways.
I send you big (((HUGS))) and a big thank you for your honesty and thoughtfulness.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Some of this response is not current with where this conversation has gone, but Amy, I want you to know how valuable your perspective is for me. Like others have said, it's sometimes very hard for us to know what's really happening in our lives. You know, can't see the forest from the trees type of stuff.
I've left SR for periods of time as well, and often felt I don't belong. I've questioned whether he was really an A or just a jerk. I've questioned, whether I'm an A, or just self medicating? All of it makes me feel very out of place. One of the things that I very much appreciate SR for is helping me to separate the abuse from the alcohol. Without people like you here, I might still think one is caused by the other and now I know they are two separate issues.
You've also made it out to the other side
I think you still feel like there is work to be done, but look at all the amazing things you've done for yourself since leaving. Even if the house has taken some time and patience. YOU did it, you AMY. You're an amazing, strong willed lady and you very much belong here at SR right along with the rest of us. (hugs)
I've left SR for periods of time as well, and often felt I don't belong. I've questioned whether he was really an A or just a jerk. I've questioned, whether I'm an A, or just self medicating? All of it makes me feel very out of place. One of the things that I very much appreciate SR for is helping me to separate the abuse from the alcohol. Without people like you here, I might still think one is caused by the other and now I know they are two separate issues.
You've also made it out to the other side
I think you still feel like there is work to be done, but look at all the amazing things you've done for yourself since leaving. Even if the house has taken some time and patience. YOU did it, you AMY. You're an amazing, strong willed lady and you very much belong here at SR right along with the rest of us. (hugs)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
oh Amy please don't go. Even though I don't respond, I read and understand. I am still in a horrific marriage to an abusive alcoholic. I am in Al Anon, and in individual counseling with a DV counseling as well as attend DV support groups. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I've got another 7 years to go until my little one is 18 and I will be leaving.
Sue
Sue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I have read all of the responses, and I love you all so much. I would like to respond to so many of them, but at this point today, I do not feel capable of it.
I did "fire" my lawyer, just for the time being. I explained that to her. I know I am in a war now with him. I just don't care to pay for it. I can send out my own letters. They will just be ignored anyway. I have good friends that will help me out financially, till I get what the divorce decree stated what I am entitled to. I'm in full blown PTSD, but this time, I am putting my camo's on, getting my own weapons, and I am going to deal with him personally.
I know I will be going back to court for a motion of contempt. I will re-hire my attorney for this. We have an agreement for that. My lawyer does like me, and she doesn't want to take my money. If I need to go to court, it will be worded that he pays my attorney fees.
I am just sick of this, I'm sick of all of this, and he will never walk all over me again.
Today would have been my 30th anniversary with him.
On the bright side of things?????????????????
I got an email from my daughter today, (the one that had filed an RO against me years ago) I think it was to explain why she didn't answer her phone when I called her on Friday. She told me she is really depressed, that no one calls her or wants to do things with her. That she wants a divorce, and that she thinks she tried to kill herself yesterday. That she hasn't called me because she doesn't want to drag me down. 
When does everything stop? When does the world stop so I can take a step off of it?
I never wanted any of this.
My head is just so effed up right now, that I can't even think anymore.
Thank you so much for caring about me. If I was rude or crazy or off the wall the last couple of days, I truly am sorry. I just can't seem to bring myself to look back at anything right now. But I do apologize.
I did "fire" my lawyer, just for the time being. I explained that to her. I know I am in a war now with him. I just don't care to pay for it. I can send out my own letters. They will just be ignored anyway. I have good friends that will help me out financially, till I get what the divorce decree stated what I am entitled to. I'm in full blown PTSD, but this time, I am putting my camo's on, getting my own weapons, and I am going to deal with him personally.
I know I will be going back to court for a motion of contempt. I will re-hire my attorney for this. We have an agreement for that. My lawyer does like me, and she doesn't want to take my money. If I need to go to court, it will be worded that he pays my attorney fees.
I am just sick of this, I'm sick of all of this, and he will never walk all over me again.
Today would have been my 30th anniversary with him.
On the bright side of things?????????????????
I got an email from my daughter today, (the one that had filed an RO against me years ago) I think it was to explain why she didn't answer her phone when I called her on Friday. She told me she is really depressed, that no one calls her or wants to do things with her. That she wants a divorce, and that she thinks she tried to kill herself yesterday. That she hasn't called me because she doesn't want to drag me down. When does everything stop? When does the world stop so I can take a step off of it?
I never wanted any of this.
My head is just so effed up right now, that I can't even think anymore.
Thank you so much for caring about me. If I was rude or crazy or off the wall the last couple of days, I truly am sorry. I just can't seem to bring myself to look back at anything right now. But I do apologize.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O my goodness, what a communication to receive from your daughter on top of all of this. Breathe. You have such a great and rational head on your shoulders. I know you can and will get through this. I don't think you have ever been rude or off the wall.
Here for you my friend!
Here for you my friend!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
I've not read all responses, and don't think that I need to. Amy... you have been a help to many. I consider the people here a family. In a family, as is in a "community" of people we are all become a body. Some of you here will know what I'm talking about and from where I get my analogy.
One person is a hand, the other a foot, you have your eyes, ears, and ... lets say legs.
Without the eyes, we can not see. With out the feet we can not walk and without the ears we can not hear. That is why being here together, we get to help one another. So, Amy55, without you our body would be in trouble.
You are needed and you are wanted. Stay with us, and help us. And, we will hep you.
((((hugs))))
One person is a hand, the other a foot, you have your eyes, ears, and ... lets say legs.
Without the eyes, we can not see. With out the feet we can not walk and without the ears we can not hear. That is why being here together, we get to help one another. So, Amy55, without you our body would be in trouble.
You are needed and you are wanted. Stay with us, and help us. And, we will hep you.
((((hugs))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I had a huge wake up today. I posted about it. I think sometimes I want to think that what I went through is not part of my life, I kinda want to disassociate from it. It's a part of me. Sometimes I think that maybe I should be on a different forum. But I don't want to do that. Everyone here is a part of me and a part of my heart. Whether I belong here or not.
I am going through a really bad time right now, my PTSD did kick in again, so I need to be really careful about posting. I really can only concentrate on the now and present.
I also wanted to say that even though I can right now only focus on the present, I have read the responses. They were so beautiful, and I really wish I could respond to each and every one of you. I will respond to them, I'm just not capable right now. Just know that I love you all.
I do know that I told you I was an RA. I don't want anyone to think that I will drink over this. It's poison, and it will only keep me in this situation longer.
I really thought about the period of time that I drank, and what problems drink solved. It gave me courage to think or plan on what I wanted to do to help myself, but then, I was too drunk to do it. Then I drank again, because I didn't do what I wanted to do, so then again, I was too drunk to do it.
Constant spiral into the abyss.
So sometimes, I, at this point don't even know what I am talking about.
I can tell when I am lucid. And, God, I do hate PTSD.
If in the following weeks, I seem a little off, please just excuse me, I didn't mean it.
I am going through a really bad time right now, my PTSD did kick in again, so I need to be really careful about posting. I really can only concentrate on the now and present.
I also wanted to say that even though I can right now only focus on the present, I have read the responses. They were so beautiful, and I really wish I could respond to each and every one of you. I will respond to them, I'm just not capable right now. Just know that I love you all.
I do know that I told you I was an RA. I don't want anyone to think that I will drink over this. It's poison, and it will only keep me in this situation longer.
I really thought about the period of time that I drank, and what problems drink solved. It gave me courage to think or plan on what I wanted to do to help myself, but then, I was too drunk to do it. Then I drank again, because I didn't do what I wanted to do, so then again, I was too drunk to do it.
Constant spiral into the abyss.
So sometimes, I, at this point don't even know what I am talking about.
I can tell when I am lucid. And, God, I do hate PTSD.
If in the following weeks, I seem a little off, please just excuse me, I didn't mean it.
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