Tansy

I can vaguely remember back to pre xah and who I used to be as a person. I was confident, happy but I was a push over with men. X got with me in record speed and I made a huge mistakes letting him set the pace. He moved into my flat within days of meeting. When look back it was a ridiculous situation. Fast forward 18 years and we've split, the divorce is looming and my friends say I've already changed beyond all recognition. My codependent ways are getting less and less, I'm no longer a pushover and have a much better idea of what men are like and which to avoid. So why, oh why now I've met someone I can see myself being with in the future can't I say I like him? Why am I reduced to a gibbering wreck agonising over if to tell him, when and how? The old me would have told him just so he knows. What he does with the information is up to him. He might run a mile. The old me could cope with that. The new me can't. I'm wallowing in misery over this and wondering if I am destined to be a whimp forever. He who dares wins and all that.

Butterfly

IMHO I think it's because you are scared scared to open yourself up again to being hurt and let down. After we are hurt so deeply by some we love and trusted we are never the same again.

lillamy

Take your time, Tansy. I've been divorced four years and I'm still fighting codependent traits. Recovery takes time. Don't push yourself -- you'll get there.

Tansy

Yes I think that sums it up. My codie ways have turned me into a manipulator too cos I've tested him no end. I've worked this out and apologised to him for something I did and am backing right off now. To give him credit he hasn't told me where to get off yet. I decided he must knpow I like him. It's obvious.

Tansy

My stopping enabling started a long time ago - probably 8 years cos that is when he got much worse. My worst thing is manipulating the environment to reduce the fall out of what he does. It's not directly related to him, more to do with people in our house who I feel are effected negatively by him. ie making sure everyone is in their rooms with locks on the doors by a certain time every night before he starts drinking. Once he goes the manipulation shouldn't be necessary.

It will take a long time. I think I just need friends and he has the potential to be a great one cos we get on so well. I tested him out. I feel ashamed of that now but he passed the tests.

PippiLngstockng

Tansy, I do the same thing. It is totally understandable. When you see how badly someone you care about can trash your life, it is easy to figure that the next person that comes along that you care about will do the same thing.

I like someone too, and I can't look him in the eye. Every time he tries to really talk to me I turn away. The reaction is so strong I just have to ask myself what the h**l. I used to be so brave with guys. Because nothing horrible had happened to me yet.

Keep practicing. That's what I am doing. I am having lots of interactions with men and I am trying to relearn how to be myself with them. I am using every experience to practice, reflect, study and learn. It's ridiculous. Like I am being my own dating coach. But it's important.

I don't know the situation you are referring to, but how can you tell him that you like him in a way that will feel safe? I tried it with my guy, but I was so subtle, I didn't tell him anything in retrospect!

Butterfly

Of course your gonna test him and push him it's perfectly normal. You want to see if he will stick by you no matter what. Take your time and continue to work on you.

Tansy

I tested him cos I didn't trust myself. I carried on doing it long after I was deep down satisfied he is nothing like Xah. He knows I did it too. I'm as subtle as a brick over the back of the head. I thought he'd phone me and tell me to get lost but he hasn't. He's not seeing me either. He knows it's too soon. I know if I tell him I like him it will have to be at least over the phone. He told me to phone him any time but I don't. I suppose I didn't believe he meant it.

I'm not interested in doing the dating thing with anyone else. It's too hard and at least this man is worth the effort. I text him random stuff I want him to know. I supposed that's manipulative but he said he didn't mind me doing that. I keep hoping I can be that women who could phone and ask him out but the fear of rejection is too deep. I'm not her any more. She's gone forever. He's battle scarred and wary to. What a pair.