paula a.

I just pm'd this to someone and didn't realize I was feeling this way until I wrote it.

"I've been having some weird ups and downs...it's like the more I like me the less I like my husband. I have days where he gets out of bed and is so sweet, that I think "yeah, we're going to be okay" then he will say or do some completely irritating thing and I think "what in the hell am I staying here for?" Rollercoasters, merry-go-rounds...damn I hate amusement parks!"

Is this a part of the recovery process? Did any of you have these feelings and stay--if you did, did they get better? Some of the posts lately (JT and Lorelai, I think) have really got me thinking about what my life will be in ten years. I am having this nasty feeling that if someone dropped enough cash in my lap to get me out of the financial mess I'm in, that I would bolt the second he looked at me cross eyed. My problem with that is--would I be running away from the problem because I am just so tired of all the b.s., or doing the healthy thing for me and the kids? And heaven forbid, am I going to go find someone just like him if I do leave????? I'd like to think that I am far enough into my recovery that I wouldn't, but I am so NOT good at being alone.
This makes me sad, and scared and exhausted all at once.
Help!
Paula

Lorelai

The recovery process for me is like I'm mountain climbing. My focus is on the rocks in front of me and I'm scraping my knees and my elbows and concentrating on holding on to the mountain and pulling myself up to the next spot.

The rocks all look the same so it doesn't always seem like I'm making any progress. Every once in a while I'll look down over my shoulder back to the bottom of the mountain. That's when I am amazed and say "Wow, look how far I've come!"

Of course, my mountain climbing got a lot less scary once I got Step 3 and I was given my safety rope !

I guess what I am saying is trust the process. I have been through a lot of feelings - mad, angry, sad, lost - in my journey. I think you have to see things differently and then figure them out - but you have to see them first.

The reason I have been lost in this alcohlic marriage for 20 years is not because it is a hopeless situation. The reason I have been lost is because I didn't find Alanon until a few months ago.

You are here, you are going through the process. You'll be OK if you just keep going.
L

angelar

Paula,
When you say "the more I like me, the less I like him..." , I completely am going through that. My AH is an on again off again boyfriend, and I do that all the time. When I am proud of me, I know I deserve more, someone who can be proud of me too. I guess I just need to find a way to keep my good feelings. I don't know.
But thank you for putting into words how I often feel.
-Angela

shan14

Paula, I am so there with you!! I do wonder why I am staying. Mine is in rehab, and I (and my kids) find that we are a lot happier. SCARY!! Lorelai, do you get lonely? You sound so wise, but I wonder why you stay. Do you have any insight? Am I just missing something about this process?? UGH, I am so confused!

paula a.

The thing is Lorelai, I think I am seeing things finally, and ENTIRELY too clear. Since I've quit making excuses for everything in my life, the clarity hurts. I am looking at everything and everyone so differently, that even carrying on a conversation with the alcoholics in my life is serious work for me, because I can't just say "hey, quit quacking at me!" I've changed, but they've stayed the same, and I don't know how this "new" me fits into the scheme of things. Am I making any sense? I can't seem to get what I'm feeling into words here...I'm just feeling seriously confused!
Paula

JT

Hi Paula,

When I started recovery I felt much like you. But something inside me forced me to work on me before making a decision about leaving or not. Could that be where you are? No great wisdom on my part...I had an alcoholic father, and leaving would have meant two failed marriages.

One thing I did do was change my focus and try to see the good in Ward...and there is plenty. That and changing my reactions to him. When I stopped REacting the changes were amazing.

Let me tell you a little secret. I am not in this marriage for the long haul. I am in this marriage today. I live my life with one foot out the door just like you...really. Ward is one blunder away from being a bachlor. A financially challanged bachlor! He simply stays on the right side of my boundaries.

I have gained enough strength, confidence and faith in this program that I know I can do anything. I also know you can too!

Hugs,
JT

Lorelai

Paula & shan -
I really wish my early posts hadn't been lost in the crash because I was a complete basketcase when I came here. I don't really feel wise, I just feel like I can see. It's like I never knew how blind I was until I got a new pair of glasses.

One thing that I realized was that I had just traded in my obsession with getting him to stop drinking for an obsession with deciding whether I was going to stay with him or not. I let it go. I stopped trying to decide. I freed my mind from obsession. That allowed me to open my eyes even further.

I have learned patience and trust in the process. I have been dealing with A (badly) for 15 years. A little more time to get myself to where I need to be is not that big of a deal. As long as I'm making progress on myself, it doesn't really matter whether I'm with him or not.
L

paula a.

JT--I think that is EXACTLY where I am. My parents were both alcoholics, and this would be my second marriage too, I don't want to feel like I failed again--typical codie, couldn't save my parents, couldn't save my gambling first husband, can't save my present husband...it is so hard to convince myself that they were never my responsibility to begin with, that guilt never belonged to me.

Lorelai~I want to know where that damn road map is! :rofl
Seriously though, I think I have traded obsessions. I have got to quit doing that, someone please come over here and kick me, okay? I so desperately want the fairytale, to be in love, and be happy--whatever that is. I want to be happy to see my H when he comes in the door from work, not wish he would just shut up and go to bed. I actually count the minutes until he leaves right now and I hate living that way. As soon as he walks out the door I am such a different person, all the tension in me walks out with him. I bet you all know that feeling.

Okay (big sigh) Today is going to be better. I am not going to worry about whether I'm staying or going. If it's in the cards for me than it will or won't happen no matter how much I worry, right? Besides, this whole basket case thing is not a good look for me!

journey1

oh how i can relate! That was my life for 10 years, I was in debt for 15,000$. Luckily I had the opportunity to sell a few things, pay off my debt and get the hell out. I am alone with my daughter and it has been the best time ever. I sleep good at night, its finally peaceful in my home. i get help from community Services. I will never look back or date another alcoholic, ever! Mind you it was rough the first 3 months. I had the thoughts of did i do the right thing? Will I make it on my own? etc. But I stopped and thought about one question. What makes sense for me? I repeated this question over and over. my ah will never change, he cannot make me happy only i can do that. I am on welfare right now and I don't have many extras but i know its just for now. I do know that i have peace of mind, I sleep good at night and I am becoming a healthier person the more i work on myself. Recovery is painful, but we do get through it, and its all worth it.

Cap3

The more i like me,the less i like my husband.Boy can i relate,to this statement.And also that that the money issues were holding me back.Until i came to al-anon.When i first came to program,i was ready to head for da hills,on my marriage.you bet.I had,had enough of him.They said,in program dont make serious decisions,until i work,and start living in recovery for myself.I learned then to take my eyes of him.Hard to do,when i thought he was the problem,,lol.As im into recovery,im noticing things about myself.Like how i make judgements,without getting the whole story about another.In AA,{im alcoholic too.}im learning that both him and i have an illness,,a disease,called alcoholism.Sick people do not behave as if well.As im seeing us as sick,my heart starts to understand,and those judgements,start to fly out da window.I have many,many faults myself.And i stoped listening to the folks who said my marriage was worhless,,and to get out of it.I started to have a relationship with God,and ask for His guidence.Its not easy living with an active alcoholic.I was sober 10 years,before my hubby came to AA.What was considered my myself,and lots of others as a hopeless marriage,before programs,as turned by the grace of God,into a something completely different.We have a more spiritual,deep,love for each other,that we never experienced before.I cannot dictate,nor can anyone else,the miracles that will happen,in my life or others lives,either today,tomorrow,,for 10 years down line.I dont know Gods plan for me,or them.When i first came to al-anon,i learned to let go,let God,direct my life.It could have gone either way.Stay or leave,it was up to Him,my HP.I just started to work on self..,one day at a time.What looked like an awful marriage,,and it was for years,of alcoholism,,turned out to be a miracle...
Thanks for letting me share,
Sending prayers your way for you and hubby,,

paula a.

Hey Cap--Thank you, I needed to hear that.
I just spent an hour on the phone with my sponsor and I am feeling much more grounded--for the moment anyway. I have decided that I can live with things the way they are for today.
You guys are the best, thank you so much everyone for sharing with me. It's amazing to me how much I have come to depend on the support here, I've come a long way from that woman who used to sit home alone and not talk to anyone about anything. Finding this board was a great gift from my HP.
Love and hugs,
Paula