changeneeded

He wanted to go to a BBQ party today. A couple of his fishing buddies and it is at a very, big, rich persons house. His friend who also plays in a band is playing there and anyone and everyone is invited. I told him I didn't really want to go because he drinks to much and makes fun of me... she is a goodie 2 shoes all that stuff.

Well== you know what happened all hell broke loose. It's now my fault , I over reacted all I had to do was say no, which I did and he called me anti social.

So== the fight has begun and he just left, going to the party alone. Was I wrong?

ladyscribbler

He's just being an @$$ because now people will ask about you and he can't say "I'm a drunken fool who humiliates myself and my family in public." So he will have to think of an excuse for you. They hate it when the tables are turned and they have to cover for us. Mine used to practically force me to go to his family functions so he wouldn't get asked questions he didn't want to answer.
You're not joined at the hip. No reason to go someplace you don't want to.
Now, for the most important thing. How are you going to enjoy this quiet time?

changeneeded

I probably won't enjoy it. I'm depressed as all..... I don't know how much LOL. I want to be able to finish these types of conversations. Every.single.time. I end up feeling like a horrible ***ch because of these endings. He says: "I will never ask you to go anywhere since I embarass you, I hear you, You never have fun when you go out with me ...

I asked: Why aren't you really hearing what I'm saying? If you didn't drink so much it would be fine

He then goes into the ...... Whatever, okay I wont ask again. He says it all calm and self righteous like I'm the crazy one.

Tamerua

You're not crazy or a witch. Know that. He sounds mean... Picking on you when he gets drunk. Ugh.

Do something good for yourself.

amy55

Ughhhhhh. I used to hate these.

My ex would start with me so that I didn't want to get in the car with him. So he would start a fight, and go alone. I figured it out that he didn't want me to go, and he would talk bad about me the entire time there, so that everyone there would know about the b!tch he was married to.

My ex would always leave while saying "you get what you give".

Believe it, he wanted to go alone, so that he can alienate you from people by complaining about what a b@tch you are.

Enjoy yourself tonight. Don't let him upset you when you come home. Just go to sleep. That will annoy him more then anything that he did to annoy you. He did this for the effects.

happybeingme

As a recovering alcoholic myself I willoffer a different perspective. What you said was wrong. Why? Becaause if you actually have feelings they are always wrong unless they are in line with the alcoholics. Thats just how we roll. By telling him why you didnt want to go it merely gave him more fuel for his victim fire. Poor him. He has a partner who is always down on him and never wants him to have a good time. You are miserable and want him to be too.

That would have been how my mind worked and I know a lot of others in recovery who used to think the same way.
I am sorry you are hurt and he made you feel bad again. But to the alcoholic the only person who really matters is the alcoholic and the only thing they care about is their booze. Anyone who interferes will just be hurt.

changeneeded

hmmm Happy, thanks. Interesting perspective. And it does sound like him. Life IS about him and how things are going for him. Thank you Amy, Lady and Tamerua. I hope this depression doesn't last too long.

I'm so tired, I am just emotionally done.

happybeingme

I hope I didnt hurt you with what I said. I cant imagine how hurt you are. Being with an alcoholic is certainly a thankless job. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and dignity. You matter. No matter what he says or does. You matter.

dandylion

changeneeded.....I think you did the right thing. You were honest and honored how you actually FELT about going. That was protecting your own emotional boundaries.

Just be aware that whenever you defend your boundaries....others will not like it if it upsets their world in any way.

So, his feathers are a bit ruffled.....he will forget about that as soon as he has knocked back a few......

dandylion

changeneeded

NoNO Happy you did not hurt me at All!! I promise!

I appreciate all of you and your words.

fbw

Did you tell him why you did not want to go with the expectation he would say " Oh honey this time I wont drink if it makes you uncomfortable" and then expect that he would actually not drink because it makes you uncomfortable?

Because you asked - .. ANY TIME you share how you feel about his addiction, ANYTIME you share how you feel with the expectation that your words and feelings will matter to him - You are asking to hurt. Not because a normal person would react the way he does - but because he is sick. His disease needs you to play a roll it feeds off of dismissing your feelings ( I think this is because an A is so practiced at suppressing their own painful emotions they have lost touch completely and this is just another way to keep things supressed ). So yes you were wrong in the same way you would be wrong if you asked a 2 year old to give you change for a $20 bill - the 2 year old would probably eat it or run off with it - with NO concept of what you asked of them. Or a popular one is - If you went to the hardware store to buy milk. The hardware store does not have milk - no matter how upset you are about it, no matter how much you plead or beg or explain you need milk - they will not have milk for you. The A in your life will not understand what he is doing - no amount of bargaining, pleading, begging or explaining is going to change that for you. Best to next time just say " No, I am not interest in attending but thank you for the invite" Leave it at that and do not engage. That is just my two cents any way. Big Hug to you. I am sorry you are in this situation.

changeneeded

No fbw, I just didn't expect to be this hurt.

Trust me... all day I prayed: " prepare my mouth, prepare his heart" because I didn't not want to get into the..... "you always" like I tend to do in the heat of the moment. I don't know what I expected. I fogot that he is mean and selfish. I forgot that he feels like he needs to bring me to my knees with his mean and selfish ways. He has'nt been this bad in a while, since I left for a night for him to calm down.

Maybe he is back on hard alcohol, I don't know. But I would never expect for my A to say "oh, honey" anything. ever.

I just forget ... thats all.

Thanks ((hugs))

lillamy

You didn't want to go and you told him why.
Do you think that's wrong?
Do you think it's wrong that you have opinions and make your own choice?

I don't.

fbw

Changeneeded ***HUGS*** I just realised I forgot to in another thread. How easy it is to forget and how quick we are to be reminded!

Hang in there!

meggem

NO you weren't wrong. Sounds like you set a boundary. Sounds like you were taking care of yourself. That is what you should be doing.