fbw

I put up a boundary some time ago. I decided no more active addiction in my life.

My AH has been fumbling and white knuckling his recovery since. I was doing my best to work my program, work on the things I discovered I do that are emotional abuse etc.

He relapsed.

I say I took my son and left but truthfully I moved out to our other home a month ago. He was coming out on weekends. I knew it was coming and when it did I was not suprised. The missed call to say goodnight to his son, followed by not departing in the morning to come out. When I asked about why he missed the call " I will tell you when I get there" ... I knew

So here is what I did - here is how I said no more. *Yes it was via text. He did not answer his phone when I called

" I love you but I can not have an active addict in my life. If this is the reason you did not call last night or come out this morning - please do not come out at all"
He responded with " Yes that is it, I will not come out"
I said " Thank you for respecting my boundary"

I waited until that night when I was sure I was not trying to control or change a situation but instead that I just wanted to let my friend know he was loved and not alone. I decided that if I can not control it I really can not control it - that means it does not matter how much love I show him even when he is using - it won't be the difference between him recovering or not- it will just be me being honest and giving to my husband what I can " For fun and for free".

I called - he was of course not sober. I let him know I loved him and asked if he needed to talk. He talked some of what he told me was lies some of what he told me was truth. I listened. I said goodnight and asked him if he wanted to arrange a time to talk to his son Sober. He said no he could not.

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In my two years now in Alanon the detaching with love - truly has evaded me. Each time I think I have it I do not. Much like I keep thinking I understand one day at a time - but I do not.
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We are fine ( my son and I ) I did not think I would be but I am. I have been on my own accept with weekend visits for over a month now. In that time I have planted a garden, finished my deck and built all the cabinets for renovating my kitchen " When I got busy I got better"

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Now the challenge of course is visitation and keeping detached with love. I am now in a position where I need to see more than a week or a month of sobriety from him before I think it is ok to let him back in our life. I worry that is dictating his program and dictating terms. I am soul searching now - Is there a way for him to see his son once a week but not be in our home and our lives? I can not protect my son from the back and forth of my AH. I know that. I do think some boundaries are ok though. I am interested to hear of others who have found ways to establish healthy boundaries with AH and children. How did you do it? My son is almost 2 now.

Thanks for listening and any thoughts would be appreciated.

ladyscribbler

My ex is no longer functional enough to even manage a sober weekly phone call. He recently got his phone service shut off so he could drink the money. What I did was have the visitation dependent upon his parents. Our son stays with my ex's parents for a week at Christmas and a month in the summer (we are in different states or I would try to arrange a weekly or bi weekly visit). If my ex is sober, he stays with his parents and gets to visit our son. If not, he stays away.
I'm fortunate to have his parents cooperating with me on this. There was a time when I would not have been able to rely on them, but the reality of his disease has finally broken through their denial.
Can you set up a neutral third party to supervise the visits? Mine is five, so he can at least talk to me on the phone and tell me how he is. At two, I know you need responsible adults to supervise your child with an A.

fbw

I like this idea. No family as an option but I will think on who could be. Thank you

ladyscribbler

If there was no one, I personally wouldn't hesitate to deny him access. Not to keep him away from our son, but to protect our son from active alcoholism, especially so young. No way I would allow unsupervised access to a minor child to someone as unstable and dangerous as my ex. Never feel guilty for protecting your precious child.
My ex will get on a guilt trip kick now and then. You have to let that roll off you. That guilt they're trying to put on you is really all misdirected guilt over their own failings.

Live

I have no advice for the visitation but I remember you from when you posted before and have wondered about you.

You are an amazing woman and an inspiration here.
You deliberate, make up your mind then say what you mean, mean what you say and do not say it meanly, then follow up.

Others will be along with input about visitation....and I am sure you will do what is best in the circumstances.

fbw

I think at this point I might be putting the cart ahead of the horse. It just sort of sunk in that I asked him last night " Do you want to arrange a sober time to talk to your son" and he said " No "

How far this disease has impacted his priorities is really sinking in right now.

fbw

Also how funny I would even ask the question like this is situation normal and he is on a business trip and can just schedule a block of time in for us.
I am laughing pretty hard at this one actually.

Live

I am so sorry. That had to feel horrible to hear him say that. It would have struck me speechless as it is inconceivable that we could ever feel that way.

fbw

Live the funny part is that it has been almost 24 hours since I heard him say it and just now --- just now it is sinking in that his mind believes he is going to disappear from his sons life for x amount of days - and then just pop back like nothing happened. Worse is I asked him the question like it was a perfectly reasonable question to ask some one AND I accepted his answer as if it was perfectly reasonable. I then went on with my life wondering how I was going to work out visitation - not clueing in that he never asked for it and specifically did not want it. I am going to put this in the " Not my concern box" I will cross this bridge if and when I get there.

fbw

Live - yes it does hurt.

hopeful4

Keep your baby safe no matter what.

Tight hugss!

fbw

Nbgirl - I appreciate the support. I do hold the view that an Alanon is just as sick as the addict. I am working extremely hard to be an emotionally stable and safe for my son. I see how there have been times in the past his (my son) needs went on the back burner while I raged at my AH for his behavior. Day by day this is getting better. Hard for me to blanket my AH as always emotionally unsafe for my son with out doing the same to myself. For now I think he might be but I am not sure what needs to happen for me to change my thoughts on that. I am going to have to work hard to keep my resentment from clouding my perspective on this.

ladyscribbler

It's really hard, being the sole source of sanity, stability and sobriety for kids. I feel tremendous pressure being the only functioning parent. My ex husband (not an a) died of cancer last summer, my younger son's dad is a non functioning alcoholic (yeah, they're two different guys, my life choices have been less than stellar, so sue me).
But you'll manage. Just keep reaching out for help. Take time for yourself, because healthy kids need at least one healthy parent. Make sure you take care of you. It's not selfish. It's good parenting.

fbw

Ladyscribbler - I am pretty sure if we ( meaning any one reading this thread) made steller life choices there would be no need for this forum or this thread. You are in good company.
Thanks for your support