DoubleDragons

Honestly, my father's denial of my mother's alcoholism is almost worse than my mother's denial of it. My mom has drank heavily most of her life, but she has now reached the point of going on benders almost every week now. After an 8:30 am conversation with her today, in which she was so wasted that she couldn't string together a sentence, I called my father. His response is that they have everything under control and that my mom is not an alcoholic, it's just that they were arguing and she hates their new house. (Codie quacking???)

What woke you up to make you all face that your spouse is an alcoholic? What was it that made you finally admit to yourself that you could not handle their alcohol problem? I have read on this forum that you say marriage is not a mutual suicide pact. I want my father to realize this.

Thanks in advance.

HikerLady

So sorry you are going through this. What woke me up was hitting my personal rock bottom as a codie, I had a nervous breakdown because I had self isiolated, had no support (well, I felt I had no support, plenty of people were waiting for me to ask for help). I didn't truly accept my codependence until I hit the parking lot of my first Al-Anon meeting. That in mind I had years of already knowing my AH was an alcoholic and had read and read and read more about what I could do to help him. My complete and total focus was on him and getting him better. When I couldn't do that I was left with a shell of a codie person in dire need of some honest self assessment

Mango blast

Although there is nothing we can do to get others to change if they are determined not to, connecting with them on other levels can lead to trusting us more and opening up to us as they're ready to make their own realizations. The more people tell me I'm wrong, the less likely I am to listen to them or want to be around them or trust them. I know plenty of things I'm wrong about - I don't need to continually hear it and the knee-jerk reaction is to defend myself.

These books may be of interest to you. The first is by the founder of the Leap Institute

I'm Right, You're Wrong, Now What?: Break the Impasse and Get What You Need
How to Win Friends and Influence People

lillamy

Three things, over a period of two years:

1) I turned down a promotion because the new job involved extensive traveling, and I was not comfortable leaving our children alone with their father.

2) I reneged on continuing education after I realized I could not leave the kids alone with their father three nights a week.

3) A friend overheard (while we were on the phone) how AXH yelled at me and one of our kids, and said "You know that is abuse, and that you don't have to put up with it."

Here's the thing: That #3 wasn't the first time someone had pointed out to me that something was wrong. My parents had told me AXH was an alcoholic -- I got mad. Some women I knew offered that I could come stay with them with the kids if I wanted to leave AXH -- I was offended and told them I loved him and there was nothing wrong with him.

Which leads me to this: A codie won't be receptive to that message until -- until they are receptive. Codies are much like addicts in that respect.

Even when I came here, eight years ago, I got irritated at people telling me that alcoholism only gets worse, not better. I didn't want to hear it. I thought I had it under control. I thought he was different.

For me, the only thing that worked was TIME. And AXH's alcoholism getting so horrid that I couldn't stand it anymore. And it started having effects on my career and ability to do my job. I had accepted having my social life and personal hobbies cut off, but when it started affecting my job, I got alerted. AND when it started affecting the kids.

DoubleDragons

Thanks. I think deep down I know that my father won't face it until he is ready which most likely will be never. He is approaching 70 and has been with her since he was 18. He is controlling and they are both narcissistic. I think a huge part of the problem is his ego. I don't think he could ever admit that he is married to an alcoholic. Plus, he is a heavy drinker, too, although I think that might be his coping mechanism. I do not believe that he is an alcoholic.

I will tell you that it is heartbreaking to watch both of my parents self destruct. Don't think that your kids' hearts are bleeding just for your As. It hurts every bit as much to see my dad descend along with her, trying to cover up her problems and letting his zest for life slip away.