Should I report my adult son to his po?

Old 07-11-2014, 07:57 AM
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Should I report my adult son to his po?

My 20 yr old is on probation from drug related offenses and has a 2 yr sentence hanging over his head. He was living with my mother until last week when there was a big blow up at the house. He moved in with his father. This morning my mother found her $3000 camera missing and after some events he admitted to pawning it. She will not report this incident to the police but is headed to the pawn shop to buy her camera back. This kid obviously needs help. He has been passing all his drug tests. He had asked me to help him get some suboxone last week ( in case he had cravings) but an appointment could not be set for several weeks . He begged me not to tell his po. I think I should tell the po about the drug use even if as a result my son gets violated. Should I do it or stay out of this?
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Old 07-11-2014, 08:08 AM
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It's a really hard call. No one here can tell you what to do. I would try to calmly discuss it with him and weigh the possible outcomes.

Good Luck. I am so sorry. Take good care of you.
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Old 07-11-2014, 08:51 AM
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If he's using then it will show up in his drug tests. Let nature take its own course. Allow things to happen don't try and force (force) an outcome.
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Old 07-11-2014, 09:28 AM
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I agree you should "mind your own business" and don't interfere with natural consequences.

In your post you do not mention that he is on drugs - you say he has passed his tests.
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Old 07-11-2014, 12:29 PM
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Mereid, I've opened this post several times hoping that I would come up with something brilliant to say, but I can't.

Normally, my instinct and Al-Anon experience would lead me to say "any time someone who's on probation violates probation, report it, or you're complicit to any crimes he might commit as a result."

But I'm also a mother. And while I wouldn't hesitate to report my ex if he broke probation, I would be in the same quandary you are if it was my child.

I've got nothing -- but prayers and supportive hugs. It's a really difficult situation you're in.
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Old 07-11-2014, 01:10 PM
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mother to mother here mer... i would say don't report it but let him know you really struggled with the decision. (you would also have to file a police report)

i came close a few weeks ago and really struggled with the decision. and he knew i was this close to doing it. the fact that i might have had him sent to jail shook him to his core. i was beside myself with hurt from his betrayal and spoke openly to him about everything i was feeling... i also changed a lot of boundaries once i decided not to report to po, which has been all to the good so i feel it was the right decision for us.

the main reason i decided not to report his infraction is because he really is making progress in his recovery and i just know jail time would sabotage this. that may not be the case with your son?

it was also a minor infraction compared to $3000, so glad she can get her camera back. the betrayal and loss of trust is the bigger loss IMHO and something i am finally completely open with my son about. i spoke with my therapist at length and one thing he really strongly imprinted on me - protect ourselves. having an objective sounding board has been invaluable to me in sorting through this mess addiction brings to our lives. he suggested a padlock on my bedroom door and i told him if it got that bad he would be out. i couldn't have gotten that clarity without the objective conversation.

whether they get it or not is up to them. protecting ourselves from the addiction behaviors is up to us. it sucks. i also felt in my case that not reporting is part of my detaching. alanon is a life line for my sanity... he is dealing with consequences in his life and home life because of the impact this incident has had on me. no more, he knows i. am. done. if he is meant to go to jail he'll screw up himself and put himself there...

i don't know your back story hon but i do know each of us fight this battle in ways that fit the circumstances... personally i am finding that by refusing to catch him when he falls has prompted him to take responsibility. he's an adult and addiction or not he must be accountable for his actions. both to me and society.

are you taking care of yourself? separating myself from the chaos has allowed me to reclaim my life. i am not the addict and i will no longer be torn down by his addiction. detaching with love is what it is all about for me. alanon, the book Codependent No More, therapy have led me to doing what i want without concern for what ifs... what if he..., what if i'm needed...,

i go to the beach when i want, i spend my money on myself, i sleep in, i go to the lake and bird watch - seems silly but when i was obsessing that was allll i did, 24/7, obsess about his problems. no more. i. am. done.

can you tell i relate to your situation?!! keep reading here, keep posting, you are not alone. isolation just worsened my situation and SR helped me get my balance. i now have much support in real life too but SR is still where i find the most understanding... sending a strong, warm hug to you...
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