Still moving forward

Old 07-11-2014, 03:38 AM
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Still moving forward

I went back yesterday per someone's idea to re-read my posts to remind/refresh me and there were a few little incidents that I had forgotten. The one was when he got home from rehab and was in his 4 day outpatient after work and he said to me on one of his nights 'off' "don't think this is a free pass just because I am home".

I think I had the nerve to sit back a little hoping he could carry some of the load with the kids.

His back pedal to that was that what he meant to say he wished we could spend some time together (?) That post was titled "I think he just put the nail in his coffin"

Anyway, for anyone reading this - keep typing here. It helps in the present moment and it helps when you might need to look back and read what you were feeling at the time and remind yourself of things that happened that you forgot about.

Also my string of posts from the time he left for rehab until the time I "reappeared" asking if anyone remembered all reeked of me being DONE.

I noticed the dates 10/2013, 11/13/2013, 11/18/2013 etc etc. I thought - Geez how many years do I want to keep typing posts here that are of this nature? We are halfway through 2014.

I spoke with you guys yesterday, and I called my cousin last night who is a key spokeperson in the family (Italian Family - Oy). She reinforced what I need to do. Just GO she said - she said the same things you guys did.

I filled out the application for the new place which was sent and the reply was that the owner was reviewing.

I put a call into my lawyer.

I am still a wreck and feel like I don't know what the H I am doing (I know the decision is right, it's just the rapid pace of the steps I think)

But what I DO know is that I CANNOT trust myself right now. I MUST depend on my brain, and the eyes and ears of others that can see this better than me right now. And I have never in my life followed the exact lead of others. So I'm thinking deep down, even though I am crippled with gross emotions, I must know these are the right steps.
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Old 07-11-2014, 04:04 AM
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meggem, you are so right about reading past posts and journal entries to remind us of why we're taking the actions we're taking. You mention that your posts span a period of several years, and you found yourself asking how many MORE years you wanted to be coming on SR making those same type of posts--I can understand this totally.

I started a journal of sorts in March of 2013, about 2 months after I found out about the drinking, hiding, lying, etc. As it happens, I was re-reading this just yesterday as it's approaching my RAH's 1-year sobriety date. I can't believe how much of what has happened I simply don't remember! Without that journal, I'd give a far different account of what the last year and a half has been like...

I mean, seriously, I have forgotten about so many really $hitty things he did and said, what crazy crap I took for "normal", and just how generally screwed up things were. I'm thinking I need to get back to some kind of journaling so that I continue to have this reality check available when I need it.

My next move is to re-read the threads I've started here, just to make sure I've got an accurate picture in my mind.

Thanks for the reminder, meggem, and yes, do keep moving ahead! I'm glad you had all that documentation to help you keep that momentum even in the face of fears and worries. Relentless forward motion!!
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:26 AM
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Hugs Meggem. I know this is a difficult time for you. Stay stong! You can do this.

Keep reading and reminding yourself what brought you here. Someone suggested putting it on an index card and keeping it in your purse or pocket so you can pull it out when the doubts start setting in. Also what helps when I reread my posts is I can see that nothing at all has changed with my ADH since I came here 2 or 3 years ago.

He is still drinking, still not carrying his load with the kids or the household, still emotionally unavailable, still the roller coaster of not knowing what I am walking into on a daily basis. I know in my heart if I stay it will be the same in 10 years and I will still be unhappy. If I leave there is a chance that I can find happiness and the kids will get to see a healthy household instead of a dysfunctional one.
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:32 AM
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Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Put One Foot in Front of the Other - YouTube
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Old 07-11-2014, 10:03 AM
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meggem...sometimes the right this is also the hardest thing.

Your courage will show up at the exact moments that you need it to. That is how courage works...I promise. (courage is NOT the absence of fear).

You are doing great.

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Old 07-11-2014, 11:36 AM
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Hey Meggem.. Last night after everything that happened the first thing I did was log on to SR and reread my previous threads.. And you know what it confirmed? Nothing changes, if nothing changes... No matter how hard it may be, we must do what is best for ourselves and our children… If not, we will be held prisoner of our own lives.. Life is so much more- we deserve to serenity and to be happy and free of constant worryment and pain.. I went through complete instanty with my son’s father from the time I was 16-26… I lost all those years of my life chasing, pleading with him to stop using and doing all that I can to save him… The hard truth is, there isn’t one thing we can do to prevent someone from using…Just like there isn’t anything anyone else can do to save us.. It lies within and when someone wants to change bad enough they will..Save yourself… Save your children from going through the repetative cycle.. Save your energy, your life, your serenity and happiness.. Because that is all in your control… Girl, I am exactly where you are and know exactly how you are feeling… I have been here before and never ever thought I was going to be ok and guess what I was wrong.. I didn’t want to live and almost gave up my life because I didn’t want to feel my feelings of sadness, lonliness, despair and abandonment.. After awhile I found Alanon and it literally saved my life.. If you don’t go to Alanon, I suggest it very much so… I’m 31 years old and just began rebuilding myself, loving myself and getting back my life that I gave away as young teenager/mother… I almost fell back into another destructive relationship and can’t even explain how grateful I am to find the courage to catch myself before it was too late… Why I thought things would be different with this guy- Lord only knows.. It doesn’t matter the person, gender, age, etc.. If they are active in their addiction and you are in their way- they will suck you dry of everything.. Financially, emotionally, whatever.. They are sick and so are we, but the only ones we can help is ourselves… Let’s do this together, one day at a time.. Feel free to message me, it will help me as well.. I know it isn’t going to be easy, but it will be worth it and the sooner we make changes, everything else around will also… Stay strong xoxox
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