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Helped by ex AH

Old 07-10-2014, 05:06 PM
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Helped by ex AH

Hello all,

I havenīt posted in a while. One year ago my AH and I separated definetely after a relationship that lasted 11 years including 7 years of marriage. While we were married, we lived together for 3 years, saddly we didnīt have the best conditions because the first year we lived with his parents, the second year was ok because we lived on our own, but the third year we lived with part of my family. To live with our families was the worst mistake, that was hard enough but his addiction and my co-dependence made it even worst.
We separated for a year after that, because we thought that things were just too broken.

After 6 months of our separation I met a guy who turned out to be a womanizer and a cheater, and we had nothing in common. He was my rebound. I thought I was ready to date again, obviously I wasnīt. After meeting the cheater, I apreciated more my AH, because he is really a good hearted, interesting and intelligent man, the only problem is that he drinks.

So after a few months after the then new guy cheated on me, my AH and I talked again and decided to try again, he was already living in another city, so we were suppossed to have a long distance relationship just for a short period of time, he was supposed live with me, but for many reasons it didnīt happen, I couldnīt move to his place because I had started a 5 year training period. We had a long distance relationship for 3 years, it just didnīt work and things kept getting worst and worst.

I had hostile conditions at my working place, I was bullied, people that I thought were my friends were saying things about me at my back, I was sexually harrassed and I was advised not to complain and because I was new at that place and I wanted to fit, and because my self steem was so low that depended on the opinions of those strangers, I didnīt complaint that much I defended myself sometimes.

Anyway in those circumstances and living totally on my own, because my family live in another country, another continent actually. I became emotionally dependent on my AH, I tried to avoid asking him about his drinking, sowe didnīt argue, but of course he was drinking once a week. I used to call him and tell him what had happened to me at my work, he got tired of it and wanted to talk less and less, at our worst times we talked for 15 minutes 2 or 3 times a week and the year previous to our separation we saw each other 4 times in a year. I would begged him to visit me and cried like a baby the last summer we were together, he didnīt want to come because he thought I was going to ruin his holiday with my bad temper. I had symptoms of withdrawal when we would say we would separate. It was so bad. He didnīt come during the summer, he came in september 2012 I felt revengeful though.

I also tried to have more dignity, I think he got it and made a bit of an effort, we met also in december 2012 and march 2013.

In january 2013, I met a guy for a language exchange, I used to do that to meet people and to improve the language I am learning. This guy had a crash on me, he did a lot to try to please me and even though nothing happened I realized that I could be happy with someone else and that someone else could give me what my AH didnīt want to give me. A real relationship.

Later in june 2013, my AH and I were supossed to meet for 3 weeks in Asia.

I arrived to Asia before him and during that time I met so many people, healthy people, different from the people at my work, so I grew stronger. And I found the courage to ask him to come and live with me and to stop drinking, we didnīt agree and decided to split up. Another important reason to break up was the fact that I realized I wanted to be a Mum (it had never happened before), and he didnīt want children, he said he might considered it at 40, but I would have had to wait until I was 39.

After the separation I thought things were right, I felt strong, I didnīt realized how much I had to analyze and work on. I mean my low self steem and my codependence. I had to go back to my usual job and things were the same but after a long time I felt lost and weak, I stopped "fighting" I decided to not say anything to make things easier at work.

I started dating 2 months after the final separation, I dated so many wrong men, a guy with low self steem, emotionally unavailable, a guy 8 years younger that only wanted to hang out, an agressive, insecure and violent guy whose father was an alcoholic, a womanizer, a guy who was nice but I had nothing in common with and then the worst of all a narcissist. All of them in a period of 8 months. I really wanted to find someone I didnīt realize one cannot decide when to find the right person.

The most painful experience I had with those men was when dating the narcissist, when he met me he tried evrything to get me and because I was so needy it only took me 2 weeks to fall for him, he said all the right things and did nice things, he planned a "nice future" for us, and when I got in to him, he disapeared. Well he was there when we wanted, he used to appear and disappear, he broke many promises, and all I could think was: What did I do wrong to make him change? My low self steem was shattered by then. And I did anything he wanted to "make him happy", I did things I donīt usually do to have him with me. I bought him expensive presents, I accepted to have an open relationship, I had sex without a condom and sex that was painful for me, I sext and sent him inappropriate pictures, just because he payed attention to me when I used to do that. I became someone I donīt recognize, I believed him when he said that he would call or meet me, but he left me waiting just so many times. I wanted to get back what we had the first 2 weeks.

So the last time he broke his promise was a day when I thought I was pregnant, I wanted to have his baby! He was supposed to call, he didnīt. So I told him that I was pregnant on a friday night, he didnīt reply until the day after. He said he would support me whatever decision I take all of this was said in texts. We finally talked on sunday and the first thing he said was that he had been in a similar situation before and he had an abortion, in our case he said, he thought it twice but he was telling me that he wanted an abortion anyway! I felt like if my world was falling apart I hadnīt felt so bad in a long time. I was destroyed. I told him I didnīt want to hear from him again, he felt I was cold, I think it was colder the fact that after he told me I should have an abortion the only thing he cared about was an old t shirt he lent me once, he wanted it back. Thank God I wasnīt pregnant after all.

I touched bottom.

I deleted my facebook profile that day, and my ex AH realized, he called me the same day I felt at my worst. This happened in april and he has supported me the last 3 months to recover. Just like friends. He has been wonderful, he helped me realize that the narcissist was abusing me emotionaly. He and his family have given me support and company. The last 3 months my ex AH has been talking to me for an hour every day, more than what we talked the last months as partners.

I feel a lot stronger. I have been reading about emotional dependence and how people like me (with low self steem and codependent) tend to find these wrong men just to fill a gap that I should fill by loving myself.

Itīs not easy to keep improving, I know it will take a while and sometimes I get desperate, because I would like to have a loving family of my own, I would like to have children, but I know that by rushing things I will go back to a horrible situation like the last one. I finally finished my 5 year training period, I am unenployed now, I am a bit frightened to look for a job I have not even tried for 2 months I keep making up excuses but I know I cannot live like that. I have good qulifications, but I am too frightened and feel that I donīt have confidence.

I know that as I get better I will have to stop talking to my ex AH, and it hurts,I might have became a bit dependant again, I sometimes wonder if I should try with him again, but he is still binge drinking once a week, so maybe is not the best idea. We are great friends,I love that man, I remember just the good things lately, but I know I shouldnīt go back with with while he is drinking.

Anyway, thank you for reading, I would be very happy and grateful if anyone wants to leave me their feedback.

Hugs
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:53 PM
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Hi Marian. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time since your breakup. I'm not sure what to say here. You seem like you're very lonely and look to almost everyone you meet to fill that void. And when no one fills it to your expectations, you go back to your ex hoping to one day be able to replace him with someone better. I don't see that pattern ever turning out well for you and it's sad. You said you're reading books about emotional dependence - have you considered counselling to work through these issues? One of the best things I did after my separation was counselling and Al-Anon.
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Old 07-11-2014, 03:37 AM
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Thank you for your reply Allysen. I am aware of the fact that I cannot repeat this pattern once again, it is too painful and I waste a lot of time. I was talking yesterday to my sister and she also reminded me that maybe I should get counselling. I guess it is time to do it, I have never had it, mind you I have gone to Al Anon, perhaps I will go back there. Have a great day
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Old 07-11-2014, 04:16 AM
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Turns out I've frequently been a jerk with my wife of nearly 20 years... stuff learned as a kid. Alanon has made that clear to me like nothing else I've experienced... I should think it would clarify any number of other issues too- its not just about the reaction to the alcoholic. I think its totally worth a try. Good luck!
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