alia

I broke off my engagement with a RA. We were together for almost 5 of which he was sober for almost 3 years (the last 3 years). He has been extremely kind and understanding through it.

We had a very co-dependent relationship. He stopped drinking for after a terrible incident on vacation. He said he did it for himself but I think we both knew that it was to salvage the relationship. After we broke up, he began drinking again, probably realizing that it shouldn't have been a decision that he should be coerced into.

And now as I reflect back on our 5 years together, I feel absolutely terrible about how cruel I was to him. After he stopped drinking and would tell me anything my exact response to him would be "your words mean **** to me". Or he would pour out his heart about why it took him so many years to stop drinking and I would pick out the one thing he said that I didn't like and make him feel inadequate. He would let me cut him down until he just gave up and let me dictate things. I have never been a controlling person but I became SOOOOO controlling. I was downright mean and critical and I made him feel like he couldn't make any decisions on his own. Which is exactly what lead me to break things off. I felt like I became the bearer of all weight in the relationship. The last year and a half a relationship was great. Peaceful. Loving. But still the dynamics had carried over and he became like my child. I nurtured him, guided him, scolded him. I was downright condescending at times. The equality in our relationship vanished when I decided I knew what was best for both of us. I have never seen this side of myself before.

How do I move past the guilt of my past behavior? I know I can look at it as a lesson learned but I keep thinking...."maybe if I had/hadn't"....then we could have made it work? And I am trying to remind myself that he has started drinking again which wouldn't be acceptable in my life, but the emotions are truly clouding my rational brain. I have always said that no matter what anyone does to us, we are accountable for our own actions. So why didn't I take my own advice? How could I be so cruel to someone who was trying so hard to make me happy?

Thank you for letting me vent - any support would be appreciated - I could really use it right now!

lillamy

Wow. You've pretty much described the craziness that alcoholism brings to those of us around the alcoholic to a T.

Dealing with guilt is hard. I think us and the alcoholics share that problem. My therapist said to me that guilt is a useless feeling because it's about something in the past that we can't change. Guilt is only useful when you can see what in your behavior was wrong, unreasonable, unhealthy -- and you use it to determine how you are going to behave in the future.

Two things have helped me handle my guilt over my unhealthy behavior when I was married to an A:

1) The realization that while I am always responsible for how I choose to behave (that part is important), alcoholism is a family disease, and my behavior was an unhealthy response to an unhealthy situation. I compare it to killing someone in self-defense -- if the situation had been a normal situation, I would not have chosen an unhealthy way to react to it. (The important thing is once the unhealthy situation is over, you don't continue going around killing people because you've been accustomed to acting that way, if you see what I mean.)

2) I did the best I was capable of in an impossible situation. It may not have been the best choice; it may not even have been a good choice -- but it is the choice I made with the knowledge and capacity I had at that point. My example is my divorce: I agreed to shared custody. I did this because I needed the divorce to be over -- I didn't have enough money or enough emotional energy to fight for full custody. The consequence of this is that my children suffered further abuse at the hands of their father. I have had to work very hard in therapy with getting over the guilt over that. But I did what I did with the ability and strength and capacity I had at that time.

Here's the really good news: You can see in retrospect how your behavior was unreasonable and controlling and harsh. That's more than many people can. The road to forgiving yourself may be long -- but it can be done.

Santa

If your BF did not want to be infantilized, he would not have allowed it. The dynamic must have served some purpose for him or he wouldn't have stayed.

A good counselor can help you face your anger about what happened in your relationship and move on. Personally I think you dodged a bullet and should be celebrating.