PurpleKnight

I was "highly functioning", never lost a job, never lost my driving license, never had finance problems etc etc, not many people even knew I had a problem, never mind noticed when I quit, it was all hidden and I had no obvious signs on the outside, I got up, went to work, came home and drank every night.

But I WAS an alcoholic, I had a problem with alcohol and whatever the terminology used if alcohol is causing problems in life then something needs to change.

"Highly functioning" is merely an outside facade to the inward spiral of destruction someone is progressively descending into, the issue being as tolerance and alcoholism advances something eventually will have to give, and the most likely is health, the body doesn't have an unlimited capacity to drink for years and years, add into that the body is ageing which comes with it's own issues, never mind continuing to pour large quantities of toxins into it.

In my life "highly functioning", "alcoholic" and "problem drinker" were all one in the same thing . . . whatever the term used something needs to change regardless.

Santa

You realize you don't need to build a case, right? If you aren't happy in the relationship, it's your right to move on. You don't have to reach consensus or get him (or anyone else) to buy in to why you are moving on.

You're taking care of him instead of yourself. My recommendation (based on allowing a situation just such as you describe to progress to commitment, marriage, children, gradually building to total misery because of him and wondering how it all got so out of hand), is to get in touch with your own feelings about what the problem is, and spend less time worrying about whether he gets it or not.

Seneca7

True, but we would both have a bit more closure if I expressed my concerns first.

Then again, it might be worse to have him grudgingly sober up to save the relationship, only to prolong something that may not be healthy, anyway.

Mountainmanbob

In my book a functioning alcoholic is one who held all jobs without getting fired or walking off the job due to their drinking problem. Because as we know most alcoholics will not hold down a job for long. Actually many alcoholics prefer not to work. I loved to work with a good buzz on.
Mountainman

Seneca7

I'm defining it as employment as well as the absence of abusive or dangerous behavior, visible drunkenness, and blackouts. I'm just wondering how long I can expect it to stay this way.

ladyscribbler

There really isn't a set timeline. My ex took about five years, but that might have been a lot faster without me there propping him up. He deteriorated very quickly in part due to brain injuries and other issues.
When I finally left I really expected that my ex would have some kind of epiphany and realize he had a huge problem and it was costing him his family and agree to get help. We did a mini-intervention with his parents and a two month trial separation where he was supposed to stop drinking, get help, go to meetings, etc.
He didn't do any of that. He lied and drank and used our house as a crash pad for his bar buddies. When I came back the house was a disaster, all the jewelry he gave me had been stolen (he insisted I leave it, and stupid me, I did). He had no idea it was gone until I asked him where it was. I caught him drinking the night I got back, after driving 12 hours with our son in the car to get back to him. My oldest son's dad died that summer, so he came to live with us. My ex started taunting him, asking where his dad was. I left for good three weeks after I came back from the "trial separation."
He still claims not to understand why I "walked out on him" and why I am "keeping his son from him." If you asked him he would tell you he just likes to relax with a few drinks. He relaxes to the point of blacking out daily, vomiting on himself, urinating and defecating in his pants without realizing it happened. He got his phone shut off so he could drink the money. He needed a new enabler so he moved in with his uncle's widow to a trailer in the middle of nowhere with no electricity or running water.
I know you love your fiancé, I know you want him to get well, but the odds are not in favor of that outcome, especially with you there playing nursemaid. I wasted years waiting for my ex to get sober so I could be happy, taking care of him so he could see how much I loved him. If I had it to do again I would have left long before I did.
If you plan on staying, at least check out Alanon. I didn't start going until after my breakup. It would have done me a world of good to go sooner.
Hugs and take care.

Eddiebuckle

Seneca, although they overlap, his drinking and your relationship (or lack thereof) are really two separate issues. If he were to get sober, you are not consequently bound to marry him. Many folks who get sober still need years to get themselves to a place where it is wise to make a "till death do us part" commitment.

It would be decent and honest to level with him, but that doesn't mean you must become his personal Florence Nightengale as a result.

aborkie

Probably 75 percent of drunks are functional. They keep jobs, homes, friends et.. but they are still alcoholics. Only about 10 percent of drunks are the stereotype, homeless in the gutter. I progressed over the years but was still functional. We're all very good at leading double lives.

Seneca7

Besides health, what were the problems that alcohol caused?

Maybe I'm wondering what the "best case scenario" is when living with an active HFA.

unsureoffuture

For us it was when DH lost his job. He lost it due to corporate downsizing not drinking but now it gives him an excuse to stay home and drink all day. Overall, you could sort of see things slowly deteriorating around him before that. Almost like he was barely holding it together and work was the only thing keeping him "functioning". Weekend binges became longer starting earlier in the day, he became more reclusive to stay home and drink more, less reliable cancelling plans at the last minute,sleeping more often, doing less and less around the house, stopped shaving and started looking more and more unkempt and becoming less involved with me and the kids. The alcohol took hold of him more and more.

Seneca7

He's stopped shaving, but only because I pressured him into growing a beard (I can't grow one so I feel he's "wasting it"). Other than that, he's pretty vain, so it'd be an easy thing to look for.

ladyscribbler

You are living the best case scenario right now. Everything will deteriorate from here. No one on this board can give you a set timeline or accurately predict when and how your fiancé will slip further into his disease. That slip is inevitable, but that is as accurate as anyone can be.
I know you're reading stories like mine thinking those extremes will never happen or that you will be long gone before they do, because you're putting so much effort into charting the course of his disease so you can jump ship at the perfect time, before it sinks completely.
If you had seen my ex five or six years ago, standing straight and tall in his dress uniform with the President of the United States pinning medals on his chest, you would never in a million years believe that he is the same man as the disheveled, disoriented, unkempt individual I saw two weeks ago dropping my son with his grandparents for the summer.

PurpleKnight

Why settle for less than what you deserve in a relationship?

Someone drinking in the morning is pretty advanced, I personally never drank in the morning, I was a 5pm to 1am drinker in the evenings after work, but as I mentioned alcohol was still ringing alarm bells in my own mind that something needed to change.

The "best" case scenario (nothing else being affected) is probably your fiancé one day dropping with a life threatening condition some day, pancreatitis, liver issues etc as a very young man. Job, relationships, money, all the things an alcoholic can look like they are managing can all come crashing down when their health suddenly disappears.

aborkie

Most HFA's do fine but a crisis can occur like a DUI, job loss, injury, infidelity, some kind of outward negative consequence. I had a really bad physical injury from being drunk. That's was my wakeup call, but still I drank for another three years, heavy. If he drinks and you don't he may resort to closet drinking so be on the lookout for that. Above anything is the physical toll IMO. It can wreak havoc over time.

WendyOR

My xhfabf, always makes justifications. He too goes from he is not an alcoholic, to he needs help and relapsed. However, even when his drinking stopped, he had been going to counseling for his divorce. His ex left him after he got a dui. After about 10 sessions he quit going to his counselor. I in my heart of heart believe it was the counselor getting into his drinking... but who knows, it doesn't matter. What matters is if they are not drinking, and don't get the right treatment, they will go back, as that is what they feel is where their strength and power lies... their personality, their courage, their charm, etc. It is so hard for us to watch, as when they are sober, they are such different people. To this day he still justifies.... his wife's friend just got a second dui in two years, and when he hears that, he says, and she thinks I am the alcoholic... etc. If anyone says anything to him at work that sits wrong, he lashes out at them.... will be so passive aggressive... will make things so very uncomfortable. He has been there over 20 years. He says, no more Mr. nice guy... it is so hard to watch. However, I know he is high functioning, I know his co workers and friends have no idea how it is effecting his daily life. I don't think any of his relationships will be good. It is sad, as they are such wonderful people, but until they seek the proper help, anyone's lives they touch, anyone who truly loves them, they will put on a roller coaster.... Tonight his band plays out of town. It was a trigger for me as I know he will be drinking and driving... I keep telling myself, this is not something I can change, yet I still worry...

HikerLady

No set time frame on it, and basically HFA is only a label that means capable of holding down a job. My AFIL held down a job until normal retirement age, what the outside world did not see was that it's the only thing he was capable of doing. Everything else was pretty much falling apart. My MIL took care of everything else in their life and now that he is declining in health she takes on even more. I am in the same boat basically. My AH is about 25 years behind him, still capable of holding down a job, but little else. My marriage is no more than roomates. The one thing I do differently is stay on my side of the street. I do not clean up my husbands messes (literally). I did recently help him up when he fell, but only because he was hanging over the dog gate head down and couldn't get up. I didn't want to risk the gate collapsing, as our older dog can no longer do stairs safely alone. What you can expect long term with an active alcoholic is nothing close to a normal mutual partnership. At best you are a roomate with little expectations of a normal ordered household. There are days he may sleep all day, and nights where he drinks all night and visa versa. Workdays where he may come home upbeat and talkative (fewer and farther between as it progresses), and weeks were you may feel as if the only thing you hear from him are hello, goodbye, and I am going to bed now. There are conversations that are often repeated due to his failing memory....can be extremly frustrating, but having gone through alzheimers with my mother, I have learned to just go with the flow, restate what I feel I need or want to restate and leave out what feels too exhausting to..chances are he won't remember it the second time around anyway, so I often let him ramble his thing and only reply directly if he asks for my input or a decision. My AH has never been physically violent, and the emotional abuse that accompanies alcoholism is now his thing, not mine. This seems to be ONE of the more difficult things for most partners in a long term relationship with an A. I do not engage with my husband when he starts, it can become quite insistant depending on how much they've had to drink. I detach from HIS emotional baggage, it's his. I do listen though, and sometimes I can find some truth in what he's saying, those are my fuel towards personal growth as a human being. I am not perfect just because I am not the alcoholic and he is not totally blind to my true faults just because he is an alcoholic...I take it all with a grain of salt, sometimes sadly, sometimes happily, irregardless they are my own emotions and I have every right to them. It takes a strong person to stay and maintain personal happiness, AND it takes a strong person to walk away because they know they will not achieve personal happiness in this type of situation. The key will always be how YOU chose to live YOUR life, not whether or not he will ever get help towards recovery.

Santa

The best case scenario, if you are planning on staying with him (which is what it sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into) is that you roll the dice and, against all odds, his disease doesn't get worse. He doesn't begin at some point to drink more and drink more often; you don't have children (you can be the most organized and caring individual in the world but if one parent is an addict, your kids WILL suffer); he doesn't start to make rash and selfish decisions about money (the #1 source of conflict in most marriages--and that's with two sober people!); and you don't find one day that you really need an adult life partner instead of a 165-lb child as the center of your world. Oh and that you don't need too much sleep. Spouses and exes of alcoholics will know what I mean.

NYCDoglvr

The progression of alcoholism is slow, but insidious. As a recovering alcoholic, in my 20's I occasionally got drunk. In my 30's I became a daily drinker as my life constricted. I was eventually fired from two jobs but that didn't stop my drinking. Yea, I knew I didn't drink like other people and tried to hide it. It was when I came within a hair's breath of dying while in a blackout that I went to AA. That was 1991.

Tansy

I don't think my xah was ever HF, well not as long as I've known him.

He had no job when I met him and was living with relatives and had been for years but lied about that.
He's always had sleep problems he's blamed the fact he drinks on.
Doesn't' sleep but passes out. We've had two occasions I had to get him out the house in the middle of the night due to a flood and a fire ( caused by him) and both times I couldn't not wake him up. One time the ceiling was leaking water onto his face and he never woke up.
He has drink related illnesses, perforated ulcers, vomiting blood, acid reflux, now on medication for life as GP knows he won't stop drinking.
Also now on sleeping pills.
His memory is so bad he argues everyday over things he's said and forgotten.
Looks like death in a morning.
Gets drunk really quickly.
No interest in sex. ( that's been a feature all along)
Gets sarcastic when drunk and picks arguments. ( he used to just fall asleep)

Seneca7

Tansy, he actually has a good bit of those traits. I think the reason it snuck up on me is that when he quipped about being a "functioning alcoholic," his drinking was more like heavy social drinking, in an environment where that was socially acceptable. I didn't think he was an alcoholic, and by the time it progressed, I was already in the habit of ignoring it.

He does get really "catty" when he's drunk, and he does try to pick fights. I usually take the bait, something I've stopped doing recently, and he sits there self-righteously pretending that he's not doing anything. This doesn't happen as much anymore because I don't get drunk with him, and so we're less likely to get into serious conversations when neither of us are sober.

And the sex thing...yeah. It got to me for a while, and now I'm thankful for it because it's making it easier to distance myself from him, just like he's been doing to me.