blufan60

I was listening to an audio book by Melody Beattie on "The Language of Letting Go." She has so many terrific points to make! I like to listen to this tape when I'm driving. I thought I'd share one of her messages, though I'm sure I won't do it as eloquently as she did. Anyway, you know when you're driving down the road, you look at the direction you want to go, and that's where you end up going. So too in our own lives. When we focus on something and pay attention to it, we find ourselves heading in that direction. With that in mind, wouldn't it be better to focus on the positive? If we focus on something negative and what can go wrong, if we spend a lot of time thinking those negative thoughts, that may keep us from heading in the direction we do want to go, in the more positive direction.

I know I fixate on everything that can go wrong when my A is using. I think about how our relationship has suffered. I think about how hard it is to communicate with him. I wonder if he will fail a drug test at work and be fired. What I need to do is let go of those negative thoughts (turn it over to HP) and start focusing on the positive things that can happen. When we think of positive things, we are more likely to take even baby steps toward making those positive things happen -- this is keeping in mind that we can change only ourselves.

I'm tired of thinking all those negative thoughts. Nothing has much changed for the better in the past few months. I think it's time for me to focus on positive thoughts, on good things that can happen. Sometimes it's hard to think what good can possibly come out of an addictive situation! But to be honest, I can see some good things that have happened: I signed up for a class I wouldn't have done otherwise, found a new passion in doing so, and made a new friend with the same interest. I've started going to Al-Anon and have met new friends and recieved so much support. My attitude toward my A is changing ever so slowly, but at least I don't feel the hate I once felt for him and I do have a sense of hope. While waiting for him to do what he needs to do, I may as well do something good for myself in the meantime, right? Even if he never does what I think he should do, at least I'll have made some positive changes in my own life.

So, for those of you out there who feel things will never be right as long as your A is using or drinking, here is some hope for you. My A is using and struggling with quitting but still refusing to do anything concrete about it (like go to AA meetings), yet I feel a lot better about me and my own life than I have in years. I think this is because I've started focusing on me and making my life what I want it to be whether or not he is using, and some good things really are happening! So, I guess Melody's message is to choose the road you wish to travel and then start looking in that direction...and that's where you will head.

JT

Good job Blu!

I too was just doing some reading about resentment, and all that will do is tear us up inside. It keeps us tied to he abuses of the past. When I think "There but for the grace of God go I" I can find the compassion that everyone (especially the alcoholic) deserves.
I have alot to be grateful for because of the alcoholics in my life. I found Al Anon and a better way of thinking. Because of my alcoholics I changed jobs and because of that change today I have the best job that I have ever had. Those are just a couple of the things that alcoholism has given me.
We CAN choose our road...we can be vindictive and hostile or we can choose to rise above that and be a happier, and therefore much more pleasant person to be around. It was pointed out to me somewhere that how would I like to be living with a person who was always expecting the negative and was always watching my every move and always wearing a stern look of disapproval on their face?
And believe me...in the beginning I FAKED it! But as I learned to expect nothing...the small positives seemed to seem so much bigger and the disappointments were made almost nonexsistant.
And today when I am feeling down I bring out the big guns....all of my tapes, and my books and I even keep a book that I write down stuff that inspires me...and I read and I listen untill I have myself back on track again. And Melody Beattie is in my library. I get myself back on that road that you speak of and go where I CHOOSE to go...not where I (in my depressed stupor) think my A's want to take me.

Paula

Dannygirl

Paula wrote:
"We CAN choose our road...we can be vindictive and hostile or we can choose to rise above that and be a happier, and therefore much more pleasant person to be around."

But Paula, won't you agree that there are just somethings that can be done that rightfully cause anger? Don't you think there are some events caused by alcoholics and alcoholism that just can't have a happy spin put on them?
Please forgive me, as I am really not trying to rain on anyone's parade of happy thoughts, but please tell me where I can find the positive in having lost my father before I was 16? Or, how about having lost now my brother, and this weekend we also almost lost his surviving widow...In all of this, where is that "silver lining" I should point out to my nephew?
I just don't belive that "erything hapens for the best." I believe you have to make the best out of what comes your way.

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**Dannygirl**
AOL Screenname: Phxhags3

JT

Danny,

What I was talking about was chronic resentment. Always carrying the wieght of the world on your shoulders. Does it change anything? The only one that it hurts is you.

I too lost a brother. And I grew up with an alcoholic father and that has moved on to my son who is currently homeless. My husband is an A. I choose to still have a life in spite of it.

If I spend my days thinking about all of that it won't make one bit of it go away. I can't change it, but I can change how I react to it.

I have good days and bad days...today was a good one

Paula

[This message has been edited by Just Tired (edited April 01, 2002).]

blufan60

Dannygirl,

I don't necessarily believe "everything happens for the best," and I do agree with you that we just need to make the best of what happens. So your father dying when you were young, your brother dying...who could say that was for the best? But, given that those things have happened and there's no turning back, no changing the events, what is the best you can make of things? What is the silver lining you can point out to your nephew? Maybe just being there for him, giving him hope, spending time with him, listening to him. Reminding him gently through your words and actions that life does go on...it doesn't mean we forget what happened or condone what happened, just that we try to make the best of things and remember that there is a lot of joy to be found if we look for it. I'm so sorry for your losses and I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to miss your dad and your brother, to wonder what kind of relationships you would have with them today, to know there are events in your life you can never share with them. But we can't turn back the clock, only go forward. Why not go forward in joy rather than in regret or sadness? Please share your thoughts on this.

catdogldy

I really liked what you had to say. It is a choice, it really is. We choose which side of the bed we are going to wake up on. We choose to make it a good day or a crappy day. I teach youth and in my class I tell the kids that I was 40 years old before I realized that I had choices. I was so accustomed to doing things the same way over and over and wondering why I kept getting the same thing. I try and remember that I am also responsible for my choices. If I find myself feeling sorry for myself I can choose to get those tools out and choose a better way.
Thanks for reminding me that all of life is a choice and that I am in the drivers seat!