shelzeeee

Hey there, new here and I know there are tons of threads, but I'm just tired and overwhelmed and was hoping to get a little support. Long story short, my husband and I met and drank our faces off together for our first few married years. Then I got pregnant. I stopped drinking of course, and prior to deciding to get pregnant we had discussed and agreed that our alcohol use would be limited to social situations and then very light since we didn't want our kid growing up in that environment. So, of course, he didn't do that. My water broke and he actually decided to drink a six pack before we left for the hospital. That was the first big red flag that something wasn't normal. Then the first 6 months with baby, he drank copious amounts of vodka, hid bottles under the crib, etc. I got pissed and put my foot down and after family getting involved, etc. he said he'd stop and pretty much did on his own accord without going to meetings and all that. Blamed it on his best friend dying right before birth and some other things. So, fast forward two years later and there have been about 10-15 incidents where he goes off the deep end and gets hammered and lies and all the stupid stuff that comes with it. Usually he is not drinking and it's not like I have a drunk in the house ever. Any time it's happened Ive kicked him out. However, it's always after me having a strong gut feeling and then confronting him about it for hours and then him caving and admitting he was drinking.
At this point, there is no trust left and while I'm not dealing with him being drunk, etc. I still get the feeling sometimes that he is drinking before he comes home. Just comes home dishevelled, smelly and a slight slur in the words. I always confront him and it's really just gotten exhausting because I don't know if I can believe him or not. So often I think about leaving him because I just feel like this is no sort of life to live being married to somebody I don't trust. So, I guess most of my issue with him at this point is not having to deal with the actual falling down drunk, it's dealing with the trusting him and still feeling like he is sneaking drinks here and there and not being able to know for sure. I just am exhausted with this all. It's not like he's a bad father or irresponsible or anything, even when drinking like crazy he was still highly functioning at work, etc.
I just dont know if I'm being paranoid, if not, how do I get the truth out, and ultimately what to do if he is lying to me. I am just sick of dealing with this same situation over and over. I called him today at work and heard the slur in his voice and so asked if he'd been drinking and he got mad and then promised he wasn't but something just feels off.
The other part is that I'm in a city without family nearby, I'm a stay at home mom and we live a pretty cushy existence. I feel like, his actions have eroded the trust in our marriage and now I have to decide not only to leave him, but me leaving also means I'd have to give up being home with my daughter and go back to work (really, really was adamant about not having a child unless I could stay home with them at least until they went to school). So, if I left, I'd be giving up my life and giving up this precious time I have one on one with my little one while young. It'd be a huge upheaval. And I'd probably have to move states because we live in a very costly city and it'd just be way too expensive to live here as a single mother.

I just feel trapped and resentful and unsure if there is even a problem, or if I'm just paranoid because of past trangressions. I'm in therapy and it's great, so doing that. Just hoping somebody else has been in a similar situation and has some helpful/hopeful advice.

ladyscribbler

Interrogating him doesn't seem like a productive use of time, imo. He's drinking, you know it, he knows it. Asking him a bunch of questions is pretty much an invitation for him to lie to you. It is part and parcel of the disease of addiction.
If his drinking is a problem for you, then it is a problem, period. Diagnosing him is a lot less important than knowing that your concerns are valid and real.
You are dealing with a lot right now and reading your post made my head spin, I remember being where you are, in the midst of all the chaos. It is not an easy place to be.
If you were in physical danger, or your husband was abusive, things might be more urgent, but based on your post I think the best thing you can do is arm yourself with information. Take the time to read the stickies at the top of the page. There's nothing you have to do right this minute. Take some time to think about what YOU really want.
I think you would benefit from attending some alanon meetings. The tools you learn there will give you the ability to cope with your situation and the clarity to make decisions that are not based on anger or fear. Alanon has been a wonderful resource for me. I have healed myself so much through the program.

shelzeeee

Thank you for replying ladyscribbler. I think al anon would be a good idea as well, and you hit the nail on the head about asking questions giving him an opportunity to lie. Very true.
I think the hard part for me is that it seems weird to drink during the day, hide it, and then not (as far as I know) at night. That part seems is what gives me doubt and makes me feel like maybe I'm being crazy if that makes since. I think al anon would be good regardless, and have thought about doing the online meetings at first, because I'm a pretty shy person and going to an in person group seems very intimidating and scary and I break into hives speaking in public.
It is a hard place, thank you for taking the time just to even acknowledge that. It means a lot to have someone whos been through it acknowledge that I have valid concerns and am not cray cray. haha. Thanks again.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, shelzee. Glad you found us here. Ladyscribbler gave some good advice, and I hope you can take it to heart.

Being tired and overwhelmed, wondering if we're nuts, being lied to--all of us here are familiar with these things. Taking some time for yourself and reading as much as you can on this forum will help you get your feet on the ground. You can learn a lot by looking at other folks' threads and hearing their struggles and victories. Also don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, as they contain a lot of wisdom.

I'd second the recommendation for Alanon, but I'd suggest a face-to-face meeting if you possibly can, as it's just different than online chat or an online forum. You will not be asked to speak at any meeting unless you choose to, so don't be worried about that aspect. It's scary to walk in the door, but it's so worthwhile. Here's a sticky from the top of the page that you might find useful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

Again, glad you joined our community and I wish you strength and clarity as you start to find your way ahead!

Chelsea1029

I am sorry you are going through this. My husband also drank during the day (still does), not at night. I would hear the slur in his words when I spoke to him and we'd have those same conversations when I suspected....he'd lie, I'd get angrier. Lady scribbler is right - you already know, he knows, there's really no point in giving him the opportunity to lie. It just increase the frustratIon! The lying for me is unbearable, there is no trust. It's been helpful to read so much here. Take time to think about what you want, what you can live with, if you can be healthy in this situation...it would certainly alter your life not being home with your baby so it is a lot to consider. Ultimately I couldn't stay with my husband and maintain my sanity. Whatever you decide, you can make it work. Take care

Recovering2

My RABF used to make me think I was crazy when he was drinking. He would be so adamant that he wasn't drinking, and would get indignant. I second guessed myself all the time....but turned out I was always right. Part of the disease is to keep you off balance, the A is really good at doing that. Learn to trust your gut, it won't lie to you.

I don't think you need to make any decisions right now. There's a saying in the AlAnon rooms that's a twist on an old adage. "Don't just do something....Stand there!" Meaning, if you're not sure what to do right now it's okay to not do anything. Take this time to educate yourself about this disease. Read the book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Read the stickies at the top of this page.

Find AlAnon in your area and start going, many have free child care. Walking through the doors of an Alanon meeting that first time can be hard, but it is SOOOO worth it. You will immediately find you are with friends, people who "get it" and don't judge. You never have to share verbally if you don't want to, but you will gain so much from listening to others. You have nothing to lose by trying it!

ladyscribbler

I have a lot of social anxiety myself. It was really hard for me to step into those first couple of meetings. I was terrified. But once I found my home group everything just clicked. Everyone was so kind and welcoming, and there was never any pressure to share.
I had isolated myself for a long time, just dealing with family, pets, the house. Breaking out of that shell with help from Alanon, therapy and time has been a very rewarding experience.
Think of something nice you can do for yourself today. Happy mamas have happy babies, and you deserve to relax a bit and clear your head. Hugs.

seek

Trust your instincts. Don't second guess yourself. You are not paranoid - it sounds like you are perceptive, but try to talk yourself out of what you know to be true because to actually know what you know means you will have to make changes you don't want to make - so instead you convince yourself you're paranoid. It's a form of denial because you don't want to make healthy changes because you see the cost being too high.

What I would recommend is seeing an addiction counselor and getting some guidance there - and maybe start thinking about how to support yourself. You are not doing your child any favors by raising him with a drunk father (the dad does drive, correct? - you will be putting your child in danger) - also, your kid will learn how to lie (his dad) and how to not deal with stuff (his mom).

Right choices are sometimes hard, but worth it in the end. You just have to come to terms with your reality and not sugar-coat it to yourself or go into denial.

Horrible that you are playing detective 24/7 - do you really want to be in that role?

shelzeeee

You guys, thank you so much for this advice. I am sitting here in tears right now, because I just feel very overwhelmed but, at least understood. I am so sick of this cycle, and it makes me sicker because I grew up in the same environment. I just feel so trapped because I feel like leaving would mean not being with my toddler. I keep thinking, okay, wait it out until kindergarten and keep fighting for him to get better, and if he doesn't by then, then I can leave. But, it's just getting too much. It's wrecking my head. I think "stand there" is good for me to keep in mind because I just react at this point (in anger) and it obviously gets me nowhere. I am so let down by this whole situation and so freaking scared about what I might need to do. So, your right, denial is my safety haven. As you can imagine, being a child of alcoholics and all that comes with that, I am terrified of my daughter learning/seeing these behaviors (including the codependcy and enabling). I am in therapy myself addressing these issues, and she always treads very lightly around the husband thing because I think she wants me to make my own decisions. I'm getting healthier in so many ways, and then I feel like at the end of my journey is it going to be a divorce? I'm just scared/embarrased/confused... Like I said, it's wrecking my head. How can I leave and already take away my daughter's father and then at the same time also take myself away since I'd be working? I just feel awful about every part of this. I literally make myself stop thinking about it because I feel like I will have a breakdown. It seems it's one of those situations where there is no happy outcome no matter how many ways I try to approach it.
A question that ALWAYS plagues me, other than having to miss out on these years with my little one, is what do you do with an alcoholic ex as far as visiting rights? I also feel like while she is so young (2), it would be selfish to leave for my own mental health, when she would be by herself with somebody that is possibly drunk and can't take care of her/might neglect her. We live in nyc, so no driving, but he has had times when I've been out of the house and she goes for nap and he passes out and doesn't here her wake up, so she's in her crib by herself for hours. Obviously, I just don't do that anymore. But, if I left, who would protect her? what if something awful happened? How do you manage that part as far as leaving?
I love him in certain ways, but at the same time hate and resent him so much for doing this. And I'm really trying not to play the victim and take control of my life, but I just am very angry at him.
You guys have been so nice, the least I can do is take your advice. There is an al anon meeting tomorrow night down the street from me. I'm going to go. Not sure how I'm going to broach this with the husband (like I said, I don't leave the kid with him very much and just go out, definitely not without telling him where I'm going). I guess I will just need to be honest.
Ugh.
Thanks again for the replies though. I can't tell you how touched I am that people took time to reach out to me. I really just thought I'd post as a vent and not get any replies. I'll keep looking through the stickies. I have read the first part of codependent no more but it was too painful and I stopped. Maybe I'll pick it back up tonight.

seek

You ask great questions. I am old, so back when I was raising kids, I was able to just "say no" to overnights, but it's not like that anymore, so you raise valid concerns. I know there are people here who can give you up-to-date info on custody/visitation issues. I would think that the courts would protect children, but I have heard this is not necessarily the case. For this reason, only, please start keeping a journal so you can present evidence in court, if need be. Good luck and don't give up! Your daughter has a great mom!

Chelsea1029

I can relate to so many things you have said. Making yourself stop thinking about it....I used to do that all the time. I also questioned being selfish, separating for my own mental health, believing I was sacrificing what my children needed for it. I can tell you from my experience now that it is so much easier to have clarity on the situation when you are removed from it. I know now that it was not beneficial for my children at all for me to be unhealthy. I also know how much more peaceful we all are with him out of the house. I also worried about visitation and losing control of what happens with them. I have been adamant that if he drives the kids he must have a breathalyzer. When he refuses I know he's been drinking. My attorney has said I would not have a problem getting an order for no drinking before visits or even supervised visits if it were an issue. I have told AH that which is why I think he complies for the most part with my requests.
I alternate between being angry and feeling pity for him.
I am not trying to influence you just want to share my experience and want you to know you are not alone. It's awful to begin to feel crazy because of the lies.
Is there any way for you to go away for a couple of weeks, maybe visit family? I do think it helps sometimes to have some distance to think about your own needs and what's best.

seek

Also - you need not leave the house to support your child. Many moms do day care or other in-home businesses. With the internet, you can sell stuff on eBay or start some kind of business or work remotely. If you are motivated, you can find a way to be with your child and work (some places have day care on campus). You have to be motivated and creative, but if peace of mind is a priority, it definitely is doable.