Dangerous?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Oh my gosh....I am SO GLAD you came to this site!! Everyone is 100% right!! When we live with an alcoholic as their behaviors escalate we DO become desensitized to it! And YES it ALWAYS does escalate!
I came onto this site a month and a half ago when my AH's behaviors and verbal abuse began to escalate faster and faster and the "I am so sorry" times took longer and longer to get to. He started pushing, ranting and raving about giving him back his handgun that I had hidden once he started to drink again after 8 years sober. JUST talk about the gun and the verbal abuse was bad enough for me to get responses on this site that snapped me into reality! I WAS in danger! I did not want to believe it but I absolutely was!
I had to take out a restraining order on my AH. Oh my GOSH hardest thing I ever did....whole way through I could feel myself trying to dig my heels in, turn around and just run for the hills. But in my heart I KNEW it was the most loving thing I could do for myself AND my AH! I had to get out of his way and let him take whatever path he was going to and take care of ME!
Turns out he went straight down the track of hell bent drinking. I just kept giving him to God and taking care of me. After some really scary moments my AH finally made the decision on HIS OWN to move in with a family member with a strong AA connection and he has been really working on his sobriety. I still went forward with having the restraining order put into place for one year. After living with over a year of drinking I NEED a year to heal and he needs to focus 100% of his energy in his recovery....with me no where in the picture.
I don't know what the future holds for our marriage. I have a year to sort through all the emotions and damage done. I have days where I am very, very sad and I miss the man I knew when he was sober. But I have peace each and every day I walk through the doors of my home. Serenity....priceless!!
I share this with you because I hope it helps to know others have experienced just what you have and we DO survive! And when a situation is this dangerous working my Al-Anon program in the same home as him was just not safe. Now I am working the steps in a safe and peaceful home.
Sending you giant HUGS and praying you keep taking care of YOU!!!
I came onto this site a month and a half ago when my AH's behaviors and verbal abuse began to escalate faster and faster and the "I am so sorry" times took longer and longer to get to. He started pushing, ranting and raving about giving him back his handgun that I had hidden once he started to drink again after 8 years sober. JUST talk about the gun and the verbal abuse was bad enough for me to get responses on this site that snapped me into reality! I WAS in danger! I did not want to believe it but I absolutely was!
I had to take out a restraining order on my AH. Oh my GOSH hardest thing I ever did....whole way through I could feel myself trying to dig my heels in, turn around and just run for the hills. But in my heart I KNEW it was the most loving thing I could do for myself AND my AH! I had to get out of his way and let him take whatever path he was going to and take care of ME!
Turns out he went straight down the track of hell bent drinking. I just kept giving him to God and taking care of me. After some really scary moments my AH finally made the decision on HIS OWN to move in with a family member with a strong AA connection and he has been really working on his sobriety. I still went forward with having the restraining order put into place for one year. After living with over a year of drinking I NEED a year to heal and he needs to focus 100% of his energy in his recovery....with me no where in the picture.
I don't know what the future holds for our marriage. I have a year to sort through all the emotions and damage done. I have days where I am very, very sad and I miss the man I knew when he was sober. But I have peace each and every day I walk through the doors of my home. Serenity....priceless!!
I share this with you because I hope it helps to know others have experienced just what you have and we DO survive! And when a situation is this dangerous working my Al-Anon program in the same home as him was just not safe. Now I am working the steps in a safe and peaceful home.
Sending you giant HUGS and praying you keep taking care of YOU!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by silentrun 
Cherra I am posting a link that really helped me my first year off the alcohol. It really does become an all or nothing situation regarding using. Even if he were able to drink only one glass of wine a night he will not get better that way. Total abstinence is required for the brain to heal. Also when the person is in that situation their brain doesn't process information the way it should. It is really hard to read something and understand what it is saying. He very well may take any attempt to help him as an attack.
P.A.W.S. | What…Me Sober?
P.A.W.S. | What…Me Sober?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
He has finally admitted pretty much what happened but not all and he still says I drove him to it.
Stay away from this man, for yours and your children's sakes.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
cherra....you won't have to legally divorce him--to make that decision today---you can always get a separation. He is still going to need a long time in intensive treatment..like rehab program...followed by sober living situation after that. Then ongoing AA at a vigorous and time consuming pace. at first...then, for the rest of his life.
A separation might buy you time to sort yourself out more and try to repair the relationship with your daughter.
***I am just pointing out that this is an option that some people take.
dandylion
A separation might buy you time to sort yourself out more and try to repair the relationship with your daughter.
***I am just pointing out that this is an option that some people take.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
You know, maybe your daughter is angry at him for more than this one incident.
If he has been having rages or explosive anger in the home for a long time, drinking or not, she may be finally expressing how she feels.
I'm not saying that was what was happening in your home, but you did say that he has raged for years even if he wasn't drinking.
That anger goes somewhere.
In my case, it went right inside of me and became a pit of anger, guilt, fear and rage by the time I was 20 and in college.
Kids forced to endure those conditions get pretty angry over time even if they don't show it.
Perhaps discharging the gun was just the final straw for her and she couldn't keep the anger in anymore.
If he has been having rages or explosive anger in the home for a long time, drinking or not, she may be finally expressing how she feels.
I'm not saying that was what was happening in your home, but you did say that he has raged for years even if he wasn't drinking.
That anger goes somewhere.
In my case, it went right inside of me and became a pit of anger, guilt, fear and rage by the time I was 20 and in college.
Kids forced to endure those conditions get pretty angry over time even if they don't show it.
Perhaps discharging the gun was just the final straw for her and she couldn't keep the anger in anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
dandylion is right.... you don't have to make the decision to divorce right this minute. I found the best way to handle my situation with my AH is "baby steps", nice and easy.
I truly do hope you will decide staying away from him is the best choice for you. Because he is drinking ANYTHING at all and pointing out "your" flaws he is walking a very dangerous tightrope!
A separation can give you and your daughter time to heal yourselves and your relationship. And your AH will have to decide how he really wants to live his life. He is going to have to do that on his own. And you don't need to hear from him about what "you" are doing wrong for sure!!
You stay in my thoughts and prayers!
I truly do hope you will decide staying away from him is the best choice for you. Because he is drinking ANYTHING at all and pointing out "your" flaws he is walking a very dangerous tightrope!
A separation can give you and your daughter time to heal yourselves and your relationship. And your AH will have to decide how he really wants to live his life. He is going to have to do that on his own. And you don't need to hear from him about what "you" are doing wrong for sure!!
You stay in my thoughts and prayers!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Sarajevo
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by cherra
Two weeks ago, during an argument while he was drinking, my husband threatened suicide, fired a gun in our house and when we went to see about him, he was holding the gun to his head. My 20 yr old daughter saw this too and became hysterical. She ran out of the house and called 911. He left the house but the police found him in a ditch near our home. My daughter and I moved out of the house. Our son thinks that he was just trying to make us feel bad and that he wasn't really suicidal but he fired a gun in our house. Our daughter is afraid of him and says that if he would do that, then he might shoot one of us next time. This is a first for us. He has said that he has not been drunk since that night but I know he's still drinking. I'm afraid to go home but I won't know if he is telling the truth unless I go home. I don't know what to do.
This is a favor you are doing to your children first, then to him.
The alcohol-gun association equals murder.
Also, is it possible to report this case to the police and request the fire arm be taken away from him since obviously and with witnesses, he is not using it for personal protection but threats ?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
cherra,
I read one of your responses today to someone else. I just want you to know that I am here for you. Sorry if it seemed like I came down on you about your daughter. You and your daughter are 2 separate people. I want to be there for you.
I know where your head is at, mine was in the same place. You can click on my name and read my prior posts.
Just want you to know, that I know, I understand, and the best thing you can do is to talk about things. Don't isolate yourself. I believe you.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
I read one of your responses today to someone else. I just want you to know that I am here for you. Sorry if it seemed like I came down on you about your daughter. You and your daughter are 2 separate people. I want to be there for you.
I know where your head is at, mine was in the same place. You can click on my name and read my prior posts.
Just want you to know, that I know, I understand, and the best thing you can do is to talk about things. Don't isolate yourself. I believe you.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
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