amy55

Watch the lifetime movies, I know some of them are made up, some aren't.

I never thought that I would get the way I got. I developed PTSD. I was living a "war zone". I truly don't know what I would be capable of if I needed to protect someone and I reverted back to primal thinking.

I don't think you want to live your life like that, I know I didn't. I wanted to believe him, but he kept getting worse and worse, until I felt that I had nowhere to go. I felt backed into a corner. All I had left were survival instincts or that I will take him out before he takes me out.

Is this a marriage?

Did you get an RO? Did they take his gun away? Do you live in a state that he can easily get another gun? States nearby, can he get one there? He will always be able to get a gun. Do you want to live the rest of your life with this fear?

I understand that you have a long-term marriage, I did also. Did we ever really know them? Or were we too afraid to question? I know I was. Do we just want to see the person he was, or the person he pretended to be? or do we just open our eyes to the person that he is right now?

It's hard, I'll agree with you on that. They do pretend really well. Or even in some past time they might have been their genuine self, but they aren't anymore.

Can we bet our lives on this, or that of our childrens lives? Just because we have fantasies, hopes and dreams?

I did for a long time, his behavior got worse and worse until I reverted to primal survival.

(((((((hugs)))))))

NWGRITS

If love was all it took to get them to stop, none of us would be here. His drinking has absolutely nothing to do with you. He doesn't drink because of you, he won't stop because of you. You are not anywhere near the center of his universe the way he is yours. He only needs you to protect his drinking. With you gone, he's thrown off balance and doesn't have a good little enabler at home. Alcoholics are resourceful enoughto find new enablers though, so don't think he can't make it through life without you. He will crash and burn with or without you. All you and the kids are is collateral damage. Better alive than dead though, right?

amy55

cherra,

thinking about you. Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you.

amy55

I was thinking today, and sometimes maybe I shouldn't think, but I was thinking that this got a little "too heavy" for you. I know, and I remember at times I felt like that also. Sometimes I just wanted people to see me for who I was. Let go of the situation for awhile, let me just take a breath and let me be me.

I needed to calm down.

I needed to take a breathe . I needed to recuperate, there were too many things going on in my head at the same time.

I needed to take some time to see who I could really trust.

Take your time. I will always be here for you. You know the great thing about this board ---------------- we don't always need to talk about the heavy stuff problems, we can also talk about hobbies, or whatever...... just so that at times we feel that we are connected.

Hope to talk to you soon.
((((((hug))))))

Bullfrog

Do not ever EVER return. This situation is about one inch away from being a horrible news story on the local news.

I am praying for you!!!

cherra

Last night he told me that he was trying to stop drinking. He asked me to pray for him and told me that he loved me (for the first time in over 3 weeks). He's not going to AA, he's trying to do this on his on but isn't this a first step? Don't worry, I'm not going back yet. I want real proof. What I really don't understand are the comments that say don't ever go back. He fired a gun at the ceiling, and pointed it at himself, not me or our daughter. I don't mean to diminish the seriousness of that act. I really don't but if he gets sober why would I not go back?

SparkleKitty

Hi Cherra. Right now all you have from him are words. Actions are the things that really make a difference. Anyone can say anything, whenever they like, especially if they think it will get them what they want.

This is not to say that he is not sincere about trying to not drink anymore. I am just saying you don't need to hang your hat on a promise when the road to actual recovery is often a lot longer than we expect, with many bumps along the way.

That being said, "not drinking" is not the same as being in recovery. A lot of alcoholics can white-knuckle their way through a sober period, but not indefinitely. In order to truly recover he has to decide he wants to stop drinking for himself, not for you or anyone else or for the sake of his relationships. People and relationships can be a huge factor in helping someone reach the point where they have an honest desire to quit for good, but if that is all someone is quitting for, eventually the addiction will overpower the addict and things will go back to where they were before.

Firing a gun at the ceiling and pointing it at himself is not the behavior of anyone in their right frame of mind. Next time it could be worse. These things escalate. Not drinking does not cure whatever it is that he is using drinking to cover up. He will have to find a whole new way of dealing with the emotions he has been stuffing down with alcohol. Living without that crutch is a lifelong endeavor, and one of the hardest journeys one can take.

Refiner

He has said that he has not been drunk since that night but I know he's still drinking.

Last night he accused me of cheating (again), of blowing our money (although he spends more on alcohol that I ever would on myself, and "pushing his buttons" until he drinks.

Honestly, he had a bad temper and was verbally abusive before he started drinking.

I won't go home until he is completely sober. I'm sure he really is sorry but I'm tired of sorry with no real change.

One of the most important thing I've learned on here so far is to separate the abuse from the alcoholism. He was mentally abusive before.

I've changed so much in the last 2 1/2 weeks that I don't want to go back to before.

He says he can drink without getting drunk and that we are crazy to think he's dangerous.

He says he's not been drunk in 3 weeks. He has finally admitted pretty much what happened but not all and he still says I drove him to it.

I asked him if he would stop drinking and he told me no, that he couldn't stand the pain without help. I told him that I loved him but I couldn't come home while he was drinking. He said for me to do what I have to do.

Last night he told me that he was trying to stop drinking. He's not going to AA, he's trying to do this on his on but isn't this a first step?
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Please carefully read how you've laid out this situation when you start doubting yourself while he gaslights and manipulates you, Cherra. He's been backed in a corner, of course he's going to promise you THE MOON But NO AA BY GOD! That would be too much of a commitment! How long are you willing to wait for actions, not words and manipulation?

cherra

I've not forgotten what has happened or what I have posted. I asked if this was a first step? Maybe I should have laid out other steps. I want him sober, honest and in church. AND I can't go back to who I was. That me is gone forever. The truth of the matter is that he may not want me anymore when he learns who I am now. I just refuse to believe that God can't step in and fix what is broken. If my husband won't let God - then it will remain broken. I really do read and ponder all of the post on here. Thank you!

hopeful4

It only takes one more time of him being drunk and waiving a gun around to kill someone the next time. I am going to gently suggest you are minimizing what he has done. The success rate to quit on your own is next to nill. The success rate for forcing someone to quit is nill plus one. Can God fix him? Of course, but he has to WANT to be fixed. Addiction on that level is something he will have to work against for his entire life. Recovery is a huge commitment that he has to be willing to work, you cannot do it for him or force him.

Have you thought that this may be God telling you something? This was something I pondered for a very long time before I left. I asked God for signs to help me decide what I should do, what would be best for my children. He was giving them all along, I was just ignoring them.

You cannot control anyone else's actions, but you can control your reactions. Please don't take this as harsh as I would never ever want to be that way. I just see that your life was in danger and am very frightened for you and your daughter.

cherra

I really don't take this a harsh - just hopeless. I just can't be hopeless right now. You need to understand that until that night the abuse consisted of yelling and cursing at me. Yes that's not minor - it's a terrible life. But the kind of advise I'm getting on this thread makes me wonder if anyone ever REALLY get sober and healthy. Getting very depressed right now.

hopeful4

I sorry cherra. Once you start to be aware of it you realize that addiction is EVERYWHERE. Of course someone can overcome it, it is just hard work and a big commitment. You have an idea of what you want, a kind, considerate, sober, churchgoing father and husband. I get it, I begged for the EXACT SAME THING. What you need to see is that addiction is progressive. BEFORE NOW it was just yelling and cursing you. That is what your daughter sees. This is how she sees it's ok to be treated. I get that too, I stayed for that too. Now he has shot a gun around and is trying to minimize it. It has progressed. It will continue to progress until HE decides he is going to work for this.

You can encourage, but you cannot make him do anything. You can beg until you are blue in the face. I did. It did not help. It has to click in his mind, and his mind does not work like yours.

I will be honest. I think he is a danger to you, your daughter, and himself. I hope you don't go back, and if you do that you wait until he has had a very very long time of sobriety under his belt first. Actual recovery, not just forced sobriety which produces nothing but dry drunk behavior. Counseling with an addiction counselor for all of you, separately for now.

Take the focus off you, take it off him. Your daughter has to be first in a situation like this. What are her thoughts and feelings, her fears?

While my X did not waive a gun around, he pushed me and made my children fear him. He went outside and ranted and raved and acted....like an addict. Two things happened at once. I saw true fear in my children's eyes while he pushed me, screamed at me, and called me horrible names. That was it. If ever there was a sign from God, there it was.

I literally grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and shoved him out the door. Told him to leave and never come back. I called his sister and said he was outside and she has 10 mins to pick him up or I call the police.

If you had told me years ago this would have happened, I never would have believed it. Addiction is progressive. It does get dangerous.

I am sorry you are getting depressed. I think you should seek counseling with a counselor experienced in addiction. It would help you so very much.

Tight Hugs. I say this not to scare you but more to open your eyes. Denial is very powerful and very dangerous.

ladyscribbler

Hi Cherra. Glad to see you're still posting.
I know that I felt very hopeless and depressed until I started attending Alanon and working my own program of recovery. I've learned not to make my happiness dependent on what others choose to do or not do. That was a big revelation for me.
Have you thought of trying Alanon or a similar program? Others here have had great results with Celebrate Recovery.
Hugs to you. I know this early separation time is hard, especially when the alcoholic seems sad and repentant and is telling you at least some of what you want to hear.

SparkleKitty

Yes. People get sober and healthy. And when they do, it is never because of something anyone else did or didn't do.

I am sorry you feel the feedback here seems hopeless. I assure you, I have a great deal of hope for you to have a happier and healthier life regardless of what he does or doesn't do.

Bullfrog

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but in all honesty, your situation is one of the most life-threatening and scariest ones I've yet seen on SR. If you go back, you AND your daughter might get killed. Please put yourself and your daughter's safety first.

changeneeded

Cherra, When I first got here and read, and even began to share my story I thought: "these people are negative, and want for me to turn out like their lives have...... um, they know. Unfortunately, although we are all different people, addiction is the same in all lives.

Everyone here is just trying to spare you from continuing in the path that they may have. And, they see danger in yours.

You can be sure of this: no matter what your decide, we all will be here.

NWGRITS

Just taking away the alcohol won't fix the abuse. It's like putting a Band-Aid on a bleeding artery. The real issue is still there gushing out uncontrollably. Unless he's going to get help for his root cause of his abuse and drinking, it won't make a lick of difference how long he white-knuckles it. Also know that any addict who really has seen the light will do whatever it takes to get help NOW. Wild horses couldn't keep a dtermined drunk away from rehab/AA/therapy when they are serious about getting help. If he starts giving timelines or asking you to make phone calls for him, then he's trying to keep you busy and distracted from the fact that he's full of ****.

littlefish

It's somewhat hopeful. It's very normal for an alcoholic to insist on "doing it on their own". I think most alcoholics try it.
There are things to be aware of and signs to look for if you want to establish if any steps are in fact being taken.
It's important to keep in mind that it is a progressive disease or addiction, whatever you prefer to call it, and his drinking has probably gotten worse if you compare it to 5, or 10 years ago. Untreated it is going to get worse.

Yes, people do get sober. Someone serious about getting sober will find rehab services for themselves. They will look high and low for help, with an open mind and a willingness to do the work. They won't blame others for their drinking, and will exhibit feelings of regret and remorse and apologize for their behavior.They will acknowledge that they have a drinking problem and not try to diminish it or rationalize it.

If your husband calls and says that he has booked himself for rehab, or is booked for time in outpatient, that is a positive indicator that he is serious about this.

If he continues to say he "hasn't gotten drunk" in the last few days, (but is still drinking), then he is probably trying to moderate. He might have switched from hard liquor to beer, or he might be trying to count his drinks and limit his access to alcohol in some way. Those measure might work with a heavy drinker who is not an alcoholic, but moderation is unsuccessful with an alcoholic and it never works.

He may be an alcoholic, but he is probably completely uninformed about what alcoholism is and how serious the nature of his condition is. These are the steps he can take if he is serious about recovery:
Make a doctor appointment and disclose honestly how much he drinks and request a liver test and the doctors advice for a recovery program. Start an outpatient treatment program or an inpatient rehab. Go to AA or a non-faith based program like RR. Do all of this now.

redatlanta

Cherra - yes people do get sober and healthy. My RAH has now been sober near 2 years after his relapse after 10 years sober.

I think what people are trying to encourage you to do is to educate yourself about the process to become recovered. Just 'stopping" drinking is not sobriety in the terms that we who know the difference think about. The disease is in the brain, and in order to recover one must retrain their brain - for lack of a better word - or their possibility of remaining sober is slim. Additionally, someone can stop drinking and still exhibit the personality traits of an active drinker. We refer to this as a "dry drunk" or a "white knuckler".

Recovery is hard, and the person must want it more than anything they have ever wanted in their life to accomplish it.

What we are all trying to tell you is this is not a quick fix. Stating that he is not drinking or is trying not to drink is but 1 hair on the head of recovery. You have been out of the house for 3 weeks and I observe that your husband has gone from denial of the incident to acknowledging it. It is far too early to determine whether or not what your husband is saying regarding a desire to become sober is authentic, or quacking. Quacking is a term we use to indicate just talk - they say this and pledge that but they are just words with no action and usually stated to manipulate codependents and enablers to give them what they want.

I advise that you continue to stay away not because it is a sign of a permanent separation, but rather, you need to watch and wait. And, you need to give your husband and honest shot at possibly, really, acknowledging that he is powerless over alcohol and that his choices have consequences. He needs to be accountable for his actions.

Hope can be dangerous when dealing with an A - of course you hope he will change his life. No need to feel hopeless though - hopeless would be no choice, no life, no joy, no possibility of ever living any different. You can choose all of that with out him if HE chooses not to do anything about it.

More will be revealed to you in the coming weeks - that is God IMO giving you the ability and power to choose what is best for you and your family. I certainly hope your husband embraces a recovery program and that things work out the way you want them too.

cherra

This is the same post I put under the Alcoholism Section but I wanted those of you who are helping me through this here to read it also:

We never had alcohol in our house for 25 of our 37 year marriage. He and I both have a family history of alcoholism and I opposed it due to spiritual conviction. Then he had a mini stroke. His neurologist recommended lifestyle changes, meds, and a glass of wine each night. At first I was very opposed to this but then I did the research and indeed there was documented evidence of the benefit. Three years ago when his neck pain worsened, he started drinking more wine to help with the neck pain and it progressed to vodka. Yes he knew the dangers but was willing to take a chance. Many times I've checked his breathing to see if he was alive! Week days he comes home from work, drinks and goes to bed. But on weekends he drinks constantly until he's drunk. He told me yesterday that he only had his one glass of wine. I don't know how to feel about this. It is an improvement but it's not quitting either. Thoughts?

He is doing so many of the things that you have told me he would do. I'm still not home but still haven't made any decisions.

A little more about myself: I teach school - special education - thank goodness we're off during the summer. We have 3 children from the age of 36 to 20, three Grands, a dog and a cat (that we took with us!). My hobbies are photography, reading, and following my 20 year old around as much as she'll let me. She's the joy of my life. I sang in our church choir until I took the summer off.