Finally said good-bye
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Monrovia, MD
Posts: 9
Finally said good-bye
I am extremely sad and feel a bit guilty about leaving my ex boyfriend because I finally realized that for me to be healthy I had to stop living unhealthy. He is an active alcoholic who I have been with for 3 1/2 years. He cleaned up for awhile or atleast hid it really well (which he does) but now sits in the bar every night.
I guess what I am trying to figure out is why do I feel guilty for choosing me? I worry about him and am trying to "break" the cycle of that. I have tried to ignore phone calls and finally told him to stop calling. Told him that I need 3 to 6 months to figure out who I am again that he is dragging me down. I can logically tell myself that in 3 to 6 months he probably won't be attractive to me. I tell myself but do not believe it yet
Thanks for letting me spill this out - I have hidden this pain from my family & friends. It is hard living a lie.
Thanks,
Lynx
I guess what I am trying to figure out is why do I feel guilty for choosing me? I worry about him and am trying to "break" the cycle of that. I have tried to ignore phone calls and finally told him to stop calling. Told him that I need 3 to 6 months to figure out who I am again that he is dragging me down. I can logically tell myself that in 3 to 6 months he probably won't be attractive to me. I tell myself but do not believe it yet
Thanks for letting me spill this out - I have hidden this pain from my family & friends. It is hard living a lie.
Thanks,
Lynx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Lynx,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you found us.
I can only answer your question from my experience.
I feel guilty when I choose me because I am codependent.
I taught myself to put everyone else's needs before mine for years.
So when I break out of that cycle, it feels wrong.
Really, it's very right.
It's all about learning new and healthier habit patterns.
But they feel strange, and foreign at first.
No telling what will happen in 3 to 6 months.
Take it one day at a time and see what unravels.
Gabe
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you found us.
I can only answer your question from my experience.
I feel guilty when I choose me because I am codependent.
I taught myself to put everyone else's needs before mine for years.
So when I break out of that cycle, it feels wrong.
Really, it's very right.
It's all about learning new and healthier habit patterns.
But they feel strange, and foreign at first.
No telling what will happen in 3 to 6 months.
Take it one day at a time and see what unravels.
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Monrovia, MD
Posts: 9
Thank you
Thank you Gabe!
Your encouragement is a true blessing. I am trying to take it one day at a time but it is so hard. I miss him but realize that he will not change until he is ready. I am ready for a change - to be healthy.
Again thank you & God Bless you
Lynx
Your encouragement is a true blessing. I am trying to take it one day at a time but it is so hard. I miss him but realize that he will not change until he is ready. I am ready for a change - to be healthy.
Again thank you & God Bless you
Lynx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
You're right Lynx, he won't change until he's ready.
It's a really good thing that you understand that.
You're letting him go to make his own way at this.
That is a very loving thing to do, even though it may hurt at times.
It's a really good thing that you understand that.
You're letting him go to make his own way at this.
That is a very loving thing to do, even though it may hurt at times.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Monrovia, MD
Posts: 9
Dying inside
I often feel like I am dying. Not suicidal mind you just broken. I cry a lot which suchs. I want to make him ok but also realize that will not happen.
Just thinking to much gets the tears flowing. I really thought I was stronger than this. I guess I am in ways.
Thanks for the kind words & support.
Just thinking to much gets the tears flowing. I really thought I was stronger than this. I guess I am in ways.
Thanks for the kind words & support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
Lynx,
I'm there with you! I just told my boyfriend that we can't see each other, we are breaking up due to his drinking.
He can't control the alcohol, it controls him. He drives drunk, endangering everyone.
I probably shouldn't have flipped out on him for TELLING ME AND ADMITTING he had drank alcohol last week but I felt that it was directly against me....as if he had betrayed me.
I love him very much, as I'm sure you do for yours. I will not go back to mine in hopes he "hits bottom" and realizes he doesn't want to keep being an alcoholic.
giz
I'm there with you! I just told my boyfriend that we can't see each other, we are breaking up due to his drinking.
He can't control the alcohol, it controls him. He drives drunk, endangering everyone.
I probably shouldn't have flipped out on him for TELLING ME AND ADMITTING he had drank alcohol last week but I felt that it was directly against me....as if he had betrayed me.
I love him very much, as I'm sure you do for yours. I will not go back to mine in hopes he "hits bottom" and realizes he doesn't want to keep being an alcoholic.
giz
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Lynx,
We all feel broken inside at times. Especially when we are distancing ourselves from someone we love.
You want to make him okay because you love him and you want him to be happy.
But he is the only one who can find that happiness for himself.
You're being very strong right now.
That doesn't keep the tears from flowing though.
Don't worry about the crying, it's healthy to get that stuff out.
It get's better, I promise.
Keep the faith,
Gabe
We all feel broken inside at times. Especially when we are distancing ourselves from someone we love.
You want to make him okay because you love him and you want him to be happy.
But he is the only one who can find that happiness for himself.
You're being very strong right now.
That doesn't keep the tears from flowing though.
Don't worry about the crying, it's healthy to get that stuff out.
It get's better, I promise.
Keep the faith,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Lynx -
I left my husband 2 1/2 months ago and what seems to help me the most is when I remember him fondly or think about the good parts of our relationship I immediately start to think about the things that made me want to leave. All the anger and fear and just plain disgust with what he was doing to himself and the pain that it caused me. I now mostly just feel sorry for him and what he has become. I hope and pray that he can find his way but I cannot help him do that. I can only help myself and that feels good!!!!!! I'm sorry that you are hurting and hope that soon you will start to feel better. Time and doing what is best for you will accomplish that. Take care of yourself.
Hugs, Jo
PS Listen to Gabe. She gives good advice. She sure helped me get through when I never thought that I would.
I left my husband 2 1/2 months ago and what seems to help me the most is when I remember him fondly or think about the good parts of our relationship I immediately start to think about the things that made me want to leave. All the anger and fear and just plain disgust with what he was doing to himself and the pain that it caused me. I now mostly just feel sorry for him and what he has become. I hope and pray that he can find his way but I cannot help him do that. I can only help myself and that feels good!!!!!! I'm sorry that you are hurting and hope that soon you will start to feel better. Time and doing what is best for you will accomplish that. Take care of yourself.
Hugs, Jo
PS Listen to Gabe. She gives good advice. She sure helped me get through when I never thought that I would.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Monrovia, MD
Posts: 9
Thank all of you so much. Until now I have felt like I have been the only person sho has walked this path.
Hopefully I will feel better soon and learn to deal with this. I went and bought a book on codependency. I amhoping that will help me figure out away to live without being so worried for him. I think this may have been the hardest thing that I have had to do.
Again, thank you all so much. I am so thankful that I found you'll
Lynx
Hopefully I will feel better soon and learn to deal with this. I went and bought a book on codependency. I amhoping that will help me figure out away to live without being so worried for him. I think this may have been the hardest thing that I have had to do.
Again, thank you all so much. I am so thankful that I found you'll
Lynx
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Guilt is a major part I believe. I believe that when we love someone we want what is best for them. We can try our best to what is good for them and sometimes feel as though we've been a disappointment to them as well as ourselves when we can't save them.
I don't know if this will help you or not, but I know that it's been a help to me so I thought I would share this with you. It's a poem that I ran across a couple years ago.
As for me - AH and I seperated months ago. Occassionally I do feel guilty. Mostly because when we seperated, he did quit drinking and hasn't drank since. But for me the damage had already been done.
They make their own way and choose thier own paths regardless of what we want.
Sending you hugs and thoughts.
I don't know if this will help you or not, but I know that it's been a help to me so I thought I would share this with you. It's a poem that I ran across a couple years ago.
Letting Go
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.
To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.
To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.
To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.
To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.
They make their own way and choose thier own paths regardless of what we want.
Sending you hugs and thoughts.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
lynx
Sending hugs and prayers for sunnier days ahead for you.
I have had several PM's requesting that the poem be put at the top, so it is now stickied up there for everyone to enjoy. Thank you StandingStrong for a beautiful poem.
Hugs
Ann
Sending hugs and prayers for sunnier days ahead for you.
I have had several PM's requesting that the poem be put at the top, so it is now stickied up there for everyone to enjoy. Thank you StandingStrong for a beautiful poem.
Hugs
Ann
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