needing some guidance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4
needing some guidance
I just found out last night that my husband of three years has been secretly drinking for the past year and a half.
He had been sober for 10 years. A few weeks before our wedding in 2011, he admitted he had been taking prescription drugs for the past year. He promised to get clean. He did, but then a year and a half later, he began drinking without me knowing it.
I used to check his office, etc for contraband and never found anything. I've asked him point blank if he was using/drinking and he said no, until last night.
I guess he's been on a quite a binge for the last 6 weeks. I had no idea how bad it was until he called me drunk out of his mind last night.
I am going to an Al-anon meeting on Thursday. He has promised to go to a AA meeting today and he has an appointment with his counselor tomorrow. He is supposed to call his old sponsor today.
I am very angry and I would like to move out. He has begged me to help him through recovery again. In his life, it will be his 3rd time for alcohol, 4th time if you count the pills. This is the 2nd round for me being his girlfriend/wife.
I am at a crossroads. Any advice? Thanks, Ivy
He had been sober for 10 years. A few weeks before our wedding in 2011, he admitted he had been taking prescription drugs for the past year. He promised to get clean. He did, but then a year and a half later, he began drinking without me knowing it.
I used to check his office, etc for contraband and never found anything. I've asked him point blank if he was using/drinking and he said no, until last night.
I guess he's been on a quite a binge for the last 6 weeks. I had no idea how bad it was until he called me drunk out of his mind last night.
I am going to an Al-anon meeting on Thursday. He has promised to go to a AA meeting today and he has an appointment with his counselor tomorrow. He is supposed to call his old sponsor today.
I am very angry and I would like to move out. He has begged me to help him through recovery again. In his life, it will be his 3rd time for alcohol, 4th time if you count the pills. This is the 2nd round for me being his girlfriend/wife.
I am at a crossroads. Any advice? Thanks, Ivy
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My advise is that it's not your responsibility to be his support system. That is why he has a sponsor and a counselor. Move out, tell him to get clean and stay that way for a long period of time (I am talking a year or longer) then revisit YOUR wants and needs at that time.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
What does your gut say? Whatever it tells you, it's probably the next right thing to do. I couldn't agree with hopeful more, you are not at all responsible for his recovery..... and I'm willing to bet that anyone with this much time in recovery already knows that himself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, Ivywild. I hope you find help here at SR. It sounds like you have a good start w/your plans for Alanon as well as seeking out this forum.
I'd like to suggest you read here as much as you possibly can. SR is a great resource for both education and support regarding alcoholism. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. I think you'll see yourself in a lot of the stories here, and you'll know you're not alone in your feelings and struggles.
I'm glad you're going to try Alanon, as there is something about face-to-face contact that is just different than an online forum. For me, the combo of Alanon and SR has worked out very well. Different meetings can have very different vibes, so it's a good idea to check out a couple of different ones till you decide where you feel most at home.
I came here in March of 2013 in a situation similar in some ways to yours, and I can relate to your anger and frustration. I hope you find some peace and clarity as you decide which way your path lies.
I'd like to suggest you read here as much as you possibly can. SR is a great resource for both education and support regarding alcoholism. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. I think you'll see yourself in a lot of the stories here, and you'll know you're not alone in your feelings and struggles.
I'm glad you're going to try Alanon, as there is something about face-to-face contact that is just different than an online forum. For me, the combo of Alanon and SR has worked out very well. Different meetings can have very different vibes, so it's a good idea to check out a couple of different ones till you decide where you feel most at home.
I came here in March of 2013 in a situation similar in some ways to yours, and I can relate to your anger and frustration. I hope you find some peace and clarity as you decide which way your path lies.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Do what's best for you, not him. You've been there more than once for him
and been repaid with lies and relapse. Addiction is very tough for addict and family,
but only the addict can choose to change.
Maybe if he has to do it on his own it will stick, but even if it doesn't, I hope you choose to care
for yourself and your needs. Do read the stickys on the top of the page and as was mentioned earlier
trust you gut. Welcome to SR
and been repaid with lies and relapse. Addiction is very tough for addict and family,
but only the addict can choose to change.
Maybe if he has to do it on his own it will stick, but even if it doesn't, I hope you choose to care
for yourself and your needs. Do read the stickys on the top of the page and as was mentioned earlier
trust you gut. Welcome to SR
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
You are not responsible for his recovery. It might tug at your heart strings that he "needs" you during this time and you are instrumental to his recovery, but it's just a way for you to be set up if and when he relapses.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
You don't need to decide today. Go to Al-Anon for a while, take care of yourself, and then decide. Most importantly: only decide when you're not angry any more. Wait until you can make a rational, deliberate decision based on facts and your values, and not on feelings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4
Thank you very much for your advise, everyone. It is really helping me. I appreciate you all taking the time to respond.
The grieving hit me today already. Losing our future together and stuff. I realize that my situation is just like everyone else's. He's like everyone else.
The impact is just incredible. It hits me in waves and almost makes me shut down, so I'm understanding the whole taking care of myself advice instead of getting wrapped up in him.
I am lucky I have a decent job and a good family. So I'm going to lean on all that for now.
The grieving hit me today already. Losing our future together and stuff. I realize that my situation is just like everyone else's. He's like everyone else.
The impact is just incredible. It hits me in waves and almost makes me shut down, so I'm understanding the whole taking care of myself advice instead of getting wrapped up in him.
I am lucky I have a decent job and a good family. So I'm going to lean on all that for now.
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