He was served yesterday - Am I doing the right thing?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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He was served yesterday - Am I doing the right thing?
I'm a huge ball of anxiety can't eat= not sleeping well. My weekend away was ok but I think I am just exhausted and drained. 3.5 hours up, had the weekend, 3.5 hours back, then a 3 hour rest - then I had to go to a wedding Sunday night as well. Now today my 5 year old is having a procedure done. Maybe I have too much going on along with having too much going on.
He sat down with me with the papers and basically went through every little thing and said - that's not happening - oh and this isn't happening and he didn't appreciate my lawyers cover letter. He was going on and on about nothing. I guess quacking. He said it's a joke, and the lawyer is a comedian (not sure why he said that) - then he got the section about the kids and there is a few sections on not being an idiot around the children and he said - OH - NO POISONING - That I actually like - and he was serious and I was like - WHAT?! He was saying it as if it applied to me??
I started sobbing. Telling me how horrible he has treated me and why. When I met you, blah blah, loved you so much - can't believe how bad you are treating me - is this how you want to go out? I went on and on - had my meltdown I guess.
It's like he got excited - she's crying - she's showing emotion - I finally broke her.
Then he was sorry and tried to explain that mentally he is "16" and he's working really hard and can't we get counseling and can't we get help. And do I have any idea what addiction is like and I never took the time to understand - He said "do you know this is the first time we have ever sat down talked?"
He said I was cold when he got home from rehab - I didn't even try - didn't give him a chance - he went on and on pleading his case. Asked and asked if we could get counseling. let's not throw this away.
I'm still proceeding but I don't feel as strong anymore. Now I sit here and think - my god am I doing the right thing? Did I not give him the proper chance?
He stopped his direct deposit he said. He said he will deposit some money but no more direct deposit - well not sure how I can keep up with our monthly bills???
Then he said no more 50.00 a month at the facial place - that's done (I was planning on cancelling) and I said - oh but you can smoke 2 packs a cigs a day but I can't spend 50.00 a month on a facial? (I am prob going to cancel the membership but still it's the point)
Am I doing the right thing?!?!?!? I mean, I know I am. I'm just.... I don't know.... help.
He sat down with me with the papers and basically went through every little thing and said - that's not happening - oh and this isn't happening and he didn't appreciate my lawyers cover letter. He was going on and on about nothing. I guess quacking. He said it's a joke, and the lawyer is a comedian (not sure why he said that) - then he got the section about the kids and there is a few sections on not being an idiot around the children and he said - OH - NO POISONING - That I actually like - and he was serious and I was like - WHAT?! He was saying it as if it applied to me??
I started sobbing. Telling me how horrible he has treated me and why. When I met you, blah blah, loved you so much - can't believe how bad you are treating me - is this how you want to go out? I went on and on - had my meltdown I guess.
It's like he got excited - she's crying - she's showing emotion - I finally broke her.
Then he was sorry and tried to explain that mentally he is "16" and he's working really hard and can't we get counseling and can't we get help. And do I have any idea what addiction is like and I never took the time to understand - He said "do you know this is the first time we have ever sat down talked?"
He said I was cold when he got home from rehab - I didn't even try - didn't give him a chance - he went on and on pleading his case. Asked and asked if we could get counseling. let's not throw this away.
I'm still proceeding but I don't feel as strong anymore. Now I sit here and think - my god am I doing the right thing? Did I not give him the proper chance?
He stopped his direct deposit he said. He said he will deposit some money but no more direct deposit - well not sure how I can keep up with our monthly bills???
Then he said no more 50.00 a month at the facial place - that's done (I was planning on cancelling) and I said - oh but you can smoke 2 packs a cigs a day but I can't spend 50.00 a month on a facial? (I am prob going to cancel the membership but still it's the point)
Am I doing the right thing?!?!?!? I mean, I know I am. I'm just.... I don't know.... help.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
He's still trying to control you and bully you. Is he staying with you or does he have his own place. If he has been served he needs to get a lawyer and have his contact your lawyer. He can't dictate what you spend the money on. Do you have any kind of temporary child support in place?
Don't you dare cancel the facial either! Don't engage him in his infantile behaviour. He is trying to get a reaction out you. You are stronger than you think you are.
Don't you dare cancel the facial either! Don't engage him in his infantile behaviour. He is trying to get a reaction out you. You are stronger than you think you are.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggem--you asked us, before, to "slap you with all caps" if you asked if he could be normal.
NOW, I AM TELLING YOU IN ALL CAPS THAT YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!
It is quite common to question yourself when they bring out their "big guns" and push all of your buttons---especially the GUILT button!!
Remember that this was predicted that he would be pugnacious about this--his "safe" world has been ruptured---and it is human nature for him (some people) to blame someone else!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right now, I would suggest that you WRITE down every single thing that brought you to this point....even if it is 2 pages long. keep rereading it.
Remember that you did not do this impulsively---there were many events over a period of time--and you did a lot of self-questioning---that brought you to this final option.
Yes, you are doing the right thing. Your welfare and that of your children are as important as he is. It is his job to take care of himself and he alone is responsible for facing the consequences of his actions. HIS actions got him to this point. He will have to learn to live life on life's terms just like every single one of us.
dandylion
NOW, I AM TELLING YOU IN ALL CAPS THAT YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!
It is quite common to question yourself when they bring out their "big guns" and push all of your buttons---especially the GUILT button!!
Remember that this was predicted that he would be pugnacious about this--his "safe" world has been ruptured---and it is human nature for him (some people) to blame someone else!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right now, I would suggest that you WRITE down every single thing that brought you to this point....even if it is 2 pages long. keep rereading it.
Remember that you did not do this impulsively---there were many events over a period of time--and you did a lot of self-questioning---that brought you to this final option.
Yes, you are doing the right thing. Your welfare and that of your children are as important as he is. It is his job to take care of himself and he alone is responsible for facing the consequences of his actions. HIS actions got him to this point. He will have to learn to live life on life's terms just like every single one of us.
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My advice would be just to wait and let the dust settle a bit. If you are or are not doing the right thing it will come to you. There is chaos now he has been served - he is trying to get you to stop. He is questioning you which is making you question yourself.
All quite normal. I am not sure what your expectations are as far as lifestyle changes concerning the divorce. I hope your attorney has spoken to you about this - are you planning on continuing to live together during the process?
This isn't happening because you didn't give it a chance. You don't owe someone your life because you married them. When enough is enough its enough…..that you have chosen to move on is not wrong in anyway. Guilt is so much of dealing with an A and it just never stops. There is such a thing as too little too late how long has this been going on? So you were cold when he got back from rehab? Well if true I doubt that he became an alcoholic a month before this has been going on for YEARS.
The mentally "16" thing I have heard before - I am not denying that possibility, but the way he is phrasing it to me just sounds like "I can't help this" as if he has no responsibility in what has happened. Little blame shifting quack quack quack. Grow the Fock up MAN and stop blaming everyone else for what got you where you are.
Sorry for the chaos and hope that you will start feeling more assured soon.
All quite normal. I am not sure what your expectations are as far as lifestyle changes concerning the divorce. I hope your attorney has spoken to you about this - are you planning on continuing to live together during the process?
This isn't happening because you didn't give it a chance. You don't owe someone your life because you married them. When enough is enough its enough…..that you have chosen to move on is not wrong in anyway. Guilt is so much of dealing with an A and it just never stops. There is such a thing as too little too late how long has this been going on? So you were cold when he got back from rehab? Well if true I doubt that he became an alcoholic a month before this has been going on for YEARS.
The mentally "16" thing I have heard before - I am not denying that possibility, but the way he is phrasing it to me just sounds like "I can't help this" as if he has no responsibility in what has happened. Little blame shifting quack quack quack. Grow the Fock up MAN and stop blaming everyone else for what got you where you are.
Sorry for the chaos and hope that you will start feeling more assured soon.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
He is manipulating you. Very easy to see from a distance. I know its hurtful and confusing when you are in it.
He is dismissive of the lawyer and making fun of the papers to assert control and make you second guess yourself. It is working, isn't it?
He tries to guilt you into feeling sorry for him, because you don't understand addiction, HIS addiction. Well, too bad. He is an adult and you are not his mommy or his therapist. It is up to HIM to get a handle on HIS addiction and treat it, not you. You will never be able to do that for him. He is using guilt to try to hurt and control you. You cried and he saw he was breaking you down. His ploys were working.
The break up is all your fault. You didn't give him a chance. YOU didn't work hard enough. Look at all he did for you. Control, control, control.
He will decide how much money you need and allow you to have that. You cannot get facials anymore and he will decide what you may purchase and what lifestyle he thinks you should have. Control, bully, control, bully.
I hope you see these things and understand that NONE of it has to do with you at all. He is an ahole who is trying to bully, control and punish you. He senses you departing and this is his way of reasserting his power over you. He is TOXIC.
He is dismissive of the lawyer and making fun of the papers to assert control and make you second guess yourself. It is working, isn't it?
He tries to guilt you into feeling sorry for him, because you don't understand addiction, HIS addiction. Well, too bad. He is an adult and you are not his mommy or his therapist. It is up to HIM to get a handle on HIS addiction and treat it, not you. You will never be able to do that for him. He is using guilt to try to hurt and control you. You cried and he saw he was breaking you down. His ploys were working.
The break up is all your fault. You didn't give him a chance. YOU didn't work hard enough. Look at all he did for you. Control, control, control.
He will decide how much money you need and allow you to have that. You cannot get facials anymore and he will decide what you may purchase and what lifestyle he thinks you should have. Control, bully, control, bully.
I hope you see these things and understand that NONE of it has to do with you at all. He is an ahole who is trying to bully, control and punish you. He senses you departing and this is his way of reasserting his power over you. He is TOXIC.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
From my experience you will get a range of emotion from him. My STBXAH did the same thing with the divorce papers. He said my lawyer was a joke, was going to report him to the better business bureau, misspelled names in the legal documents, this wasn't happening with the kids and that wasn't happening etc etc etc....quack, quack, quack. Later on he is calm and reasonable and says ok what do you really want, yes I think that will work. I think wow, he is actually acting like a grown-up and maybe this will be very amicable. Then its back to lets get counseling, we can work it out, I still love you then right back to you are not getting that, quack, quack quack.
To answer your question, only you can answer the question of are you doing the right thing. In my situation, I try and look at it from a factual level instead of an emotional one. In my situation, he is still an alcoholic who refuses rehab or to stop drinking completely. Alcoholism is a progressive disease so it WILL get worse. I have experienced the cycle before, he moderates and then slowly creeps back to the higher levels of drinking that he was at before. I have given him X opportunities to change and he hasn't so I have to base my decisions on the here an now and not what may be in the future. The kids and I deserve better. A home that is free from the grips of alcohol.
To answer your question, only you can answer the question of are you doing the right thing. In my situation, I try and look at it from a factual level instead of an emotional one. In my situation, he is still an alcoholic who refuses rehab or to stop drinking completely. Alcoholism is a progressive disease so it WILL get worse. I have experienced the cycle before, he moderates and then slowly creeps back to the higher levels of drinking that he was at before. I have given him X opportunities to change and he hasn't so I have to base my decisions on the here an now and not what may be in the future. The kids and I deserve better. A home that is free from the grips of alcohol.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
Yes, you are.
The next month is going to be hell. The next months after that will be a little better but very exhausting. Then you will start to get your life back and can't believe you stayed as long as you did. Just my experience. Pray and survive right now.
The next month is going to be hell. The next months after that will be a little better but very exhausting. Then you will start to get your life back and can't believe you stayed as long as you did. Just my experience. Pray and survive right now.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
And in my opinion (take it or leave it), you need to CEASE living together. Either he needs to leave or you do. I can't imagine the nightmare of going through a divorce with the spouse in the same house as me. You are inflicting unneeded abuse on yourself.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Originally Posted by Bullfrog 
And in my opinion (take it or leave it), you need to CEASE living together. Either he needs to leave or you do. I can't imagine the nightmare of going through a divorce with the spouse in the same house as me. You are inflicting unneeded abuse on yourself.
and I do think you are doing the right thing for you and your kids.
Do it for them even if you doubt for yourself right now.
Reread your old posts if you need reminding about the environment you and they have been living in. It won't magically change with his quacking.
Be strong and don't let him take control again.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, I agree you are doing the right thing. He is not going to have a choice eventually about what he pays. It was not you that needed to try when he got home from rehab, IT WAS HIM. You have given him chance after chance and he continues to be an a$$$ hat to you. Is that what you want long term? The crazy train is at the depot, it's your time to GET OFF NOW.
He must not understand that the things in the papers are not for HIM to decide on. Let what he wants and what he needs go and put your focus on you and your kids.
Step back, stay calm. My X continued this crap until he saw it was not affecting me, then he pretty much stopped. Remember, you cannot control his actions, but you can control your reactions (or lack of).
I hope your little's procedure goes well. Praying for you.
Hugs. XXX
He must not understand that the things in the papers are not for HIM to decide on. Let what he wants and what he needs go and put your focus on you and your kids.
Step back, stay calm. My X continued this crap until he saw it was not affecting me, then he pretty much stopped. Remember, you cannot control his actions, but you can control your reactions (or lack of).
I hope your little's procedure goes well. Praying for you.
Hugs. XXX
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Thank you to everyone. I think I am off the ledge. I was reviewing and thinking and pondering and even though I cried and had a moment, the ridiculousness is just...ridiculous. Someone asked how long- it's about 7 years in August. I gave him a million chances.
When I was away this past weekend at my cousins, they all got together (my mom was the driver) to convince me to let my parents pay my way out of this. They have money - I'm just trying to be a responsible person and do whatever I can to get myself out of this. I have $1,000 dollars saved. I can move out in a few weeks if I want to - I found a great place, I won't be able to afford it without my parents help but maybe when everything settles, I can get myself together.
A lot of you have mentioned it being impossible to live here while this is going on. It's getting my attention. I guess this is my next step? Moving out?
I am about to walk away from this house. I don't even care anymore. By the way, all he did was prime a few things while we were gone. almost 3 full days - and not one thing is 100% done.
And speaking of him giving me "some money" but no more direct deposit? well I'll just pay "some" of the bills and the ones that will suffer will be the ones in his name only. I know I will still be affected but I almost just don't care anymore. I give up.
When I was away this past weekend at my cousins, they all got together (my mom was the driver) to convince me to let my parents pay my way out of this. They have money - I'm just trying to be a responsible person and do whatever I can to get myself out of this. I have $1,000 dollars saved. I can move out in a few weeks if I want to - I found a great place, I won't be able to afford it without my parents help but maybe when everything settles, I can get myself together.
A lot of you have mentioned it being impossible to live here while this is going on. It's getting my attention. I guess this is my next step? Moving out?
I am about to walk away from this house. I don't even care anymore. By the way, all he did was prime a few things while we were gone. almost 3 full days - and not one thing is 100% done.
And speaking of him giving me "some money" but no more direct deposit? well I'll just pay "some" of the bills and the ones that will suffer will be the ones in his name only. I know I will still be affected but I almost just don't care anymore. I give up.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's OK to give up. My parents convinced me that if there was ever a time in my life to let them help me, the time is now. My mom basically said, do you need this money now for you and your children or do you need it later when we are dead? It's yours regardless. I will pay them back, even if it's a small amount per month. However, she was right. I needed some help at the time and it did help me.
Had I not had quite a bit of equity in my house that does not belong to my X at all, I would have walked. However, the house was always mine. His name was on it, but it was mine. He did nothing but bit@h about it the entire time we lived there. All of a sudden I kicked him out and he decided it is a palace LOL. O well. I sucked up a lot of student loan to stay there that does not belong to me. I could have fought it out about that and won, but it would have taken a lot of time. Like you, I was done. Ready for it all to be OVER.
So let the people who love you help you. You are at a critical time in your life to need this help. I would do just as you said with the bills, and I would walk away.
You are tired of all of this, but you know what the right things to do are.
Hugs Meggem....you can do this.
Had I not had quite a bit of equity in my house that does not belong to my X at all, I would have walked. However, the house was always mine. His name was on it, but it was mine. He did nothing but bit@h about it the entire time we lived there. All of a sudden I kicked him out and he decided it is a palace LOL. O well. I sucked up a lot of student loan to stay there that does not belong to me. I could have fought it out about that and won, but it would have taken a lot of time. Like you, I was done. Ready for it all to be OVER.
So let the people who love you help you. You are at a critical time in your life to need this help. I would do just as you said with the bills, and I would walk away.
You are tired of all of this, but you know what the right things to do are.
Hugs Meggem....you can do this.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by meggem
And speaking of him giving me "some money" but no more direct deposit? well I'll just pay "some" of the bills and the ones that will suffer will be the ones in his name only. I know I will still be affected but I almost just don't care anymore. I give up.
Keep the focus on what is best for YOU and take him out of the equation.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
You are certainly doing the right thing.
My advise is to go for everything you want now.
What I don't understand is why you are going through the papers with him.
Shouldn't it be his lawyer & your lawyer going through it?
It is easier that way as you don't have to have contact with him & therefore he doesn't get the chance to manipulate & blame you & make you feel bad.
Hugs, I know it's not easy.
My advise is to go for everything you want now.
What I don't understand is why you are going through the papers with him.
Shouldn't it be his lawyer & your lawyer going through it?
It is easier that way as you don't have to have contact with him & therefore he doesn't get the chance to manipulate & blame you & make you feel bad.
Hugs, I know it's not easy.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
I like your plan.
Get your name off as many of the shared bills as possible, even if you have to end the service to do it if your moving. Get your place lined up.
For example, your name or both your names on electric bill? Pay it and end the service if they won't let you take your name off without his consent. He can get it put back on in his name. That's one less hit your credit will take if he gets nasty and stops paying bills.
You need to cancel any joint credit cards or get them in your name only before you play any hard ball so he doesn't run them up. What about other assets? Transfer your half out of the checking and into your own account in another bank.
Two can play the being a money a$$hole game.
Maybe I'm being too harsh here and if so I know others on the list may have more prudent advice, but boy I hate when people try to threaten with money, especially with kids involved. Dirty pool.
I would absolutely accept your parent's help right now to get the kids out of there and into a nice apartment. You can always pay them back later if you want, but make it as easy as possible for you right now as this is going to be stressful.
You are doing a fantastic job dealing with this, by the way.
Get your name off as many of the shared bills as possible, even if you have to end the service to do it if your moving. Get your place lined up.
For example, your name or both your names on electric bill? Pay it and end the service if they won't let you take your name off without his consent. He can get it put back on in his name. That's one less hit your credit will take if he gets nasty and stops paying bills.
You need to cancel any joint credit cards or get them in your name only before you play any hard ball so he doesn't run them up. What about other assets? Transfer your half out of the checking and into your own account in another bank.
Two can play the being a money a$$hole game.
Maybe I'm being too harsh here and if so I know others on the list may have more prudent advice, but boy I hate when people try to threaten with money, especially with kids involved. Dirty pool.
I would absolutely accept your parent's help right now to get the kids out of there and into a nice apartment. You can always pay them back later if you want, but make it as easy as possible for you right now as this is going to be stressful.
You are doing a fantastic job dealing with this, by the way.
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