A personal rant to remind me to start the official separation process
 

Hello there!

I don't expect any responses to this thread. I just really need to vent, and record my current feelings during my turmoil, so I can not cave again for the hundredth time. I do not want to be a doormat any longer. I do not want to have my nose fractured again, and be threatened to be ripped from limb to limb in a drunken rage again!! (This happened in November, but I still suffer from PTSD from this terrible incident) I am mad at myself for forgiving you for such a terrible thing. For believe your words of forgiveness as you sat in jail. Promising our son and I that you would start anta-buse, attend daily AA meetings, meet with church officials weekly, NEVER touch a drink again! Wow, it all sounded so good. You have lived at your friend's since then due to a no-contact order. You missed our son's first birthday, and Christmas while in jail. You almost made me homeless, cause utilities to be shut off, and have me looking for shelters in the future since I depended on your prior income. Now, you have crept comfortably back to your old ways. You picked up drinking only because, "we can't be together" "I feel bad that I hurt you" I will get on anta-buse soon" "You don't have to worry about anything" "Why can't you just be happy for what is today, I am sober today" blah, blah, blah. You turned off your phone so you could go get drunk in peace without me "bothering" you about picking up our son from daycare, because he had a fever of 104. I had already missed three days of work due to him being continually sick. So, what did I do....had to leave work again! I am juggling it all. You get to be a bachelor again. You yet again decided not to work today and get drunk instead. Love to hear butt dials that turn into voicemails of you falling down who knows where...oh, wait, did I just hear you open another beer? Yup. Surprise, Surprise. Glad you would rather get loaded than spend a visit with your son. Wow, sorry everyone that has made it this far. I just really need to vent for my own health. I have been through into the single mother role, with a part-time job that pays peanuts while trying to pay for rent and everything else under the Sun. While he gets continual draws from his boss to pay for his habit. I am so tired of this. Please, God, please help me to feel this same way tomorrow. The day after that and so on. I want to save my son from this continual disappointment before he really remembers. I want to be loved....:a108:

One last thing....I despise the fact that you think I should be impressed that you got your court-ordered substance evaluation so we could "be together". Although, you decided to lie about your clean date. Telling them it was in November so you wouldn't have to go to inpatient. Oh, yeah.....he is so dreamy.

Hi, CantEvenDeal, and welcome to SR. Glad you found us here--this community will certainly offer you both education about and support in dealing with alcoholism. It sounds like you know what you want to do.

I'd suggest reading here as much as you can, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of concentrated wisdom in those.

I'd also strongly suggest Alanon for some face-to-face support for yourself. I've found SR and Alanon in combination to be really helpful in so many different areas of my life, not just in dealing w/alcoholism.

You're so right to want out of the madness of living w/active addiction, and I hope you continue taking steps in that direction, for both yourself and your baby's sake.

Just dropping off a warm welcome and lots of (((hugs))). We get it.

Well, you can't come post here without expecting replies. You're in the thick of it for sure, but it sounds like you've hit your bottom. You're talking. You're no longer hiding and pretending everything's just hunky dory. You are speaking with your own voice and sound like you've got a strong one at that.

Nobody has an obligation to stay with a person who breaks their nose.

All other things put aside.

You have an absolute right to leave. And I wish you the strength and support to do it.

Hi cantdeal, I can well understand how you'd be at the end of your rope. I'm not clear on whether your husband and you are living together or not? His behaviour is disgraceful either way, leaving you to look after your son on your own.

Can I ask if you have any family support locally, either from your side or his? If your family doesn't live nearby, is there an option for moving closer to them? There may be other support you can draw on to help your situation. Your husband should be contributing financially to allow you to pay for necessities. If he isn't, is there legal aid available to make it happen?

I'm sorry for the stress you're under, and I hope that posting on SR will help relieve the stress and possibly provide some useful advice.