Amazingly Eye-Opening Weekend :)
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Amazingly Eye-Opening Weekend :)
I just have to say, this morning I woke up and I cannot believe how clear-headed I am, how HAPPY I am! I've been going through so so much lately and I wasn't sure if I was going to make it, but this weekend was everything I needed.
I was around family for the 4th of July all weekend, different sides, different family members, different days. It was lovely and all I heard all weekend was how much everyone missed me (I've spent the last five years in such isolation) and loved me, with no one pushing too much about what is happening with my STBXAH or my sister. I've spent the last five years so isolated, believing how little my family cared (because that is what he pounded into my head), and believing my hellish life was "family" (it was so NOT family). I could cry tears of joy right now just reflecting on my weekend. It's been so long since I've been REALLY hugged, felt so much warmth, and just able to relax my mind... not walking on eggshells. And 4th of July is usually difficult for me because on a 4th of July a few years back my STBXAH inflicted the worse beating of my life, I should've been in the hospital, but I foolishly didn't want him arrested.
On one of the days my old XBF was at a cousin's house, he was my middle-school/high-school sweetheart and up into our early twenties, but he's actually remained pretty close to several of my family members... although, he's kept his distance from me for obvious reasons. Anyway, by the evening, the kids went to bed and everyone was thinning out a bit... so he and I were outside talking, laughing, reminiscing. Now, there is not anything rekindling happening, but it was just sooo nice to remember what I used to feel, who I was before the torment, just the good feelings. We ended up talking until 4-5 in the morning and it turned to where I am in life. He knows, confessed to being upset all these years but respected me and kept his distance. But, now that I'm leaving that situation and walking into a new one with my sister's boys... he really laid in on me about "what was I thinking?" "you're too beautiful for that" "there's too many people around who love you to think you're alone in this"... all that good stuff. I guess coming from him I heard it with different ears, I didn't avoid the conversation or pacify it with some awkward excuse... I just listened and it felt like he blew the smog from my brain. We talked, we cried, we laughed... I know I've had these conversations with family or other friends, but not like that or I didn't feel the need to hide or justify anything with him. I guess it's because he was my best friend growing up and I feel safe with him, and I know his concern is just what it is. I just felt so relieved, like I got so much off my chest, all the things I've been keeping bottled up came spilling out. It was so therapeutic.
So, this morning... I awoke, got the boys ready, walked out the house and realized how full of hope I was. The hell I went through the last five years is almost over, he can't hurt me like he did before.... I mean, I know he can still hurt me, but he'll never be able to lay another hand on me again.
Maybe this feeling is temporary, maybe the sadness will return in a few days, but right now, right now... I feel better than I can ever remember feeling
I was around family for the 4th of July all weekend, different sides, different family members, different days. It was lovely and all I heard all weekend was how much everyone missed me (I've spent the last five years in such isolation) and loved me, with no one pushing too much about what is happening with my STBXAH or my sister. I've spent the last five years so isolated, believing how little my family cared (because that is what he pounded into my head), and believing my hellish life was "family" (it was so NOT family). I could cry tears of joy right now just reflecting on my weekend. It's been so long since I've been REALLY hugged, felt so much warmth, and just able to relax my mind... not walking on eggshells. And 4th of July is usually difficult for me because on a 4th of July a few years back my STBXAH inflicted the worse beating of my life, I should've been in the hospital, but I foolishly didn't want him arrested.
On one of the days my old XBF was at a cousin's house, he was my middle-school/high-school sweetheart and up into our early twenties, but he's actually remained pretty close to several of my family members... although, he's kept his distance from me for obvious reasons. Anyway, by the evening, the kids went to bed and everyone was thinning out a bit... so he and I were outside talking, laughing, reminiscing. Now, there is not anything rekindling happening, but it was just sooo nice to remember what I used to feel, who I was before the torment, just the good feelings. We ended up talking until 4-5 in the morning and it turned to where I am in life. He knows, confessed to being upset all these years but respected me and kept his distance. But, now that I'm leaving that situation and walking into a new one with my sister's boys... he really laid in on me about "what was I thinking?" "you're too beautiful for that" "there's too many people around who love you to think you're alone in this"... all that good stuff. I guess coming from him I heard it with different ears, I didn't avoid the conversation or pacify it with some awkward excuse... I just listened and it felt like he blew the smog from my brain. We talked, we cried, we laughed... I know I've had these conversations with family or other friends, but not like that or I didn't feel the need to hide or justify anything with him. I guess it's because he was my best friend growing up and I feel safe with him, and I know his concern is just what it is. I just felt so relieved, like I got so much off my chest, all the things I've been keeping bottled up came spilling out. It was so therapeutic.
So, this morning... I awoke, got the boys ready, walked out the house and realized how full of hope I was. The hell I went through the last five years is almost over, he can't hurt me like he did before.... I mean, I know he can still hurt me, but he'll never be able to lay another hand on me again.
Maybe this feeling is temporary, maybe the sadness will return in a few days, but right now, right now... I feel better than I can ever remember feeling
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it was just sooo nice to remember what I used to feel, who I was before the torment, just the good feelings.
You sound so happy, and that makes me happy!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Best update I have heard in a long time! That is super great!
I have dreaded lots of holidays before this year because of all the things that would happen on the holidays, my X always managed to screw them up. This year, things have been different! I started over and making new memories to replace those bad ones. And it works!
My leg is broken and my kids not home, so I did nothing on the 4th. This sounds sad, but I had a wonderful time watching a movie with my cat and my dog! It was so nice just to have peace and not to worry!
Carry on SiRi...you are doing great my friend!
XXX
I have dreaded lots of holidays before this year because of all the things that would happen on the holidays, my X always managed to screw them up. This year, things have been different! I started over and making new memories to replace those bad ones. And it works!
My leg is broken and my kids not home, so I did nothing on the 4th. This sounds sad, but I had a wonderful time watching a movie with my cat and my dog! It was so nice just to have peace and not to worry!
Carry on SiRi...you are doing great my friend!
XXX
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
so awesome to hear the joy and light in your 'voice' siri!!! thanks for sharing your wonderful experience of renewal!
i keep reposting these wise words below and wish i could remember who first wrote it here but when i read your share i thought of it again:
"When you feel good run with it. Make as much forward progress as you can. It is like climbing a sand dune. At some point you might slip backwards a little so you want to make as much headway as you can." (found it! jdooner posted this and i am grateful!)
make the most of this experience hon, let it grow in you! run with it lady, you're doing awesome!!!
i keep reposting these wise words below and wish i could remember who first wrote it here but when i read your share i thought of it again:
"When you feel good run with it. Make as much forward progress as you can. It is like climbing a sand dune. At some point you might slip backwards a little so you want to make as much headway as you can." (found it! jdooner posted this and i am grateful!)
make the most of this experience hon, let it grow in you! run with it lady, you're doing awesome!!!
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