ABF's Cancer may be back
 

ABF has been in remission from stage 4 cancer since we met....

He just called me crying. He's on his way to hear about the results from his last check up...They said the results weren't good. He doesn't know what that means until he gets there.

Now I feel like Crap about the house thing.

They kept telling him it was going to come back if he didn't take care of himself! I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to do.

((((hugs)))) I'm really sorry to hear this news Blossom, but you have to realize his diagnosis has nothing to do with you or your actions or any decisions you have made.

You cannot protect him from the natural consequences of HIS own actions, right? It really, really blows that anyone would let their addiction destroy their health, but we all see addicts do it every single day in a thousand little ways despite all the warnings & signs they receive telling them to stop.

Not to be totally heartless but, can this be some sick manipulation tactic??

Kinda coincidental. (maybe I'm just jaded)

Unfortunately it's another one of those things you cannot control.

His cancer would have come back regardless of the house situation. It's nothing you did or did not do. You are not to blame for setting boundaries and enforcing them. He is responsible for the consequences of his actions. You are responsible for taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do to be healthy and happy.

All you can do now is give it to your HP. Pray that your HP will guide both of you down the path that was meant to be.

Sungrl - you don't sound totally heartless, many do things like that (my dad does!) but he doesn't even know about my plans.

I'm not blaming myself....not really. I am still in that habit of seeing myself as others might, I guess.

I'm still going to see if I can get the house. But it is making it more difficult of a decision.

If you were to see him, cancer wouldn't be a surprise. We are both 6'0 tall...and he weighs 145 lbs on average, doesn't eat right, smokes too much weed, drinks too much, and just generally doesn't talk care of his body. I'm upset but I think I'd be more upset if he had tried to give his body a better chance once he was in remission the first time.

Okay so he called me after he left the drs

He has a small growth in his armpit (he had lymphoma cancer) but with all the infections he has on that same arm and on his neck that it might be that. (he has bug bites and various clumsy wounds that get really gross...lack of showering?)

They gave him antibiotics and will see him in 6 weeks. If its still there then he will have to do chemo, a bone marrow transplant and all that. They also said his blood sugar is too high. I eat more sweets that he does. Is it related to the beer? he's had past issues with his pancreas.

You really don't need to do anything. I am so sorry, I know that sounds cold. However, there are consequences to not taking care of yourself, and now he is suffering those consequences. I am so sorry.

I would let him know you feel for him, but that it does not negate what is going on. Easier said than done, I completely get that.

And....they won't give him chemo w/out doing a biopsy first, especially if they suspect it's simply a cyst. And yes, beer is full of carbs that contributes to high blood sugar.

Tight hugs to you my friend.

I couldn't say for sure it's the same case for your ABF, but my mother developed Type II Diabetes from her alcoholism. When she sobered up.. guess what? No more diabetes. And to the best of my knowledge when you have high blood sugar or full blown diabetes, you tend to heal slower from those little infections and things, they tend to linger.

That would make sense. I think its hard for them to really diagnose him because he won't tell them how much he drinks (surprise!!!). The only times at the hospital that they said it was from alcohol was when I actually told put it out there myself. The other time they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him (uncontrollable throwing up)....


I just want to have a normal life, normal problems, normal expectations!

Also - Hopeful4 - I agree with you. I'm asking my HP for guidance because I know that part of it is from his lack of caring for himself. But I also don't want to watch anyone suffer.

I also cant watch anyone suffer from possibly self-induced illnesses. I won't.

If so, you know what you need to do.

xx

Deep breathes blossom.

This must be a real curve ball....but it sounds like you are really clear about what you want for your daughter and for yourself. Of course you don't want to see someone suffer, especially someone you once loved, and maybe still love. But you and your daughter are important. I get the anxiety....try some of the techniques you've learned to self soothe to be able to get some clarity in your thinking and to help you stay on this wonderful pathway that YOU have created to the future you want and deserve.

Like Florence said, if you want a normal life, you know what you have to do. Let him go. None of thos has anything to do with you, what you've said, or what you've done. If you jump in now, how long will it be before you can get out again?

Hi Blossom, it must have been such a shock. It sort of puts things into perspective though; if he won't change for a life threatening disease, he's not going to change for you.

It's horrible, but some people choose to die rather than change (not that he is necessarily in that position).

Having cancer doesn't automatically turn someone into a saint. My ex husband (not an a) had cancer for most of our marriage. It was one of the reasons I stayed so long. Guilt over his illness. What kind of heartless monster divorces someone with cancer? Blah blah blah.
He was still the same lying, bullying, selfish, irresponsible man whatever his health condition may have been. To the very end of his life he was manipulative and nasty to me, and he had remarried in a big hurry because he hated doing housework and taking care of kids. Don't let his illness be an excuse to keep you hooked, especially when it sounds like a lot of his health issues are either directly or indirectly caused by his drinking.

I just thought of something that's brought up here occasionally. As codies who finally seek our own lives, it's not uncommon to be asked why we would leave an alcoholic who obviously need a us to rescue them or whatever nonsense. "Would you leave him if he had cancer?" Well, yes, if he kept going back to the store to buy more cancer. Blossom, he keeps going back to the store.

He's convinced it's cancer and not an infection. Which is a possibility.
He was drinking his sorrows last night and crying, talking to me. I just couldn't focus on the conversation. I think I'm trying to block it out.

I don't want him to suffer. I want him to be healthy and happy, whether I'm there or not but I know deep down I can't help him with any of it. It's going to be a long 6 weeks until his appointment. I guarantee he is going to use this as an excuse to go on a binge....most people would try and keep their body healthy after news like that

Thank you for helping stay grounded, I'm not sure how I feel right now.

The name of the game is you & your daughter's mental health. I think you're right on to be firm- this is his time to sink or swim, its a h3ll for him made by his own hand.

Will his tears be for all the trouble he's brought or an attempt to get someone else to help him again?

I think the firm & loving line you're taking is right on.

I talked to his dad just a little bit ago. He went with ABF. He said the dr seemed pretty certain it was an infection since in was only one lymph-node that was swollen- the armpit of the arm that has all the infected bug bites on it.

That makes me feel a little bit better. ABF Was crying this morning though. Didn't go into work. Cried into his beer last night. He's big on the sympathy thing, that might be why I can't focus in on it - My sympathy well is tapped out right now.

On another note - I sent in my app to get prequalified for a loan for the house. I hope my credit is ok for the type of loan. I'm 25 and still building my credit.

I also have a job interview tomorrow, one that would pay more. Wish me luck! I'm TERRIBLE at those.

Good luck tomorrow, you deserve it.
Take care.