A Year Since Logging On
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: On my life path
Posts: 32
A Year Since Logging On
It has been about a year since last visiting S/R Forum and sharing my story of my ABro who also has a gambling addiction. Little has changed. There have been glimmers of progress seemingly being made only to have some event or crisis pop up for him to use as an excuse so he can fall off one or both of the proverbial wagons. As one who is intensely interested in behavior I am fascinated by the lies that get told or the twisted perception an addict can bring to any and all situations and I am further fascinated by how others believe the addict when they know full out what the truth is.
This month he is headed off to a short term rehab to address the gambling. Based on past behavior and his ability to "create" reasons I am skeptical of him going and that he will back out.
The other piece of fascination for me has been the question "what will be his rock bottom?" As a family we figured it was when he was removed by police from his home nearly 2 years ago and charged with assault. I have read about and seen on the streets of my own city where addiction can lead and so I wonder if "that" will be his rock bottom or maybe "that" is what it will be?
How about you who are reading this update do you share in that fascination of the behaviors of the addicts and the enablers and the wonder of when does this addict actually hit rock bottom?
This month he is headed off to a short term rehab to address the gambling. Based on past behavior and his ability to "create" reasons I am skeptical of him going and that he will back out.
The other piece of fascination for me has been the question "what will be his rock bottom?" As a family we figured it was when he was removed by police from his home nearly 2 years ago and charged with assault. I have read about and seen on the streets of my own city where addiction can lead and so I wonder if "that" will be his rock bottom or maybe "that" is what it will be?
How about you who are reading this update do you share in that fascination of the behaviors of the addicts and the enablers and the wonder of when does this addict actually hit rock bottom?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
I don't feel any fascination with my addict's lies. Only sadness, and relief that I ended the relationship last year.
He was recently involved in a drug-related hit and run accident that lead to the death of a young mother, and will be serving jail time. He's still full of the "it's everyone else's fault" crap.
His friend, who was the driver, has had his children removed from the family by CPS.
Really, nothing fascinating about this sad story.......nothing but pain all around.
He was recently involved in a drug-related hit and run accident that lead to the death of a young mother, and will be serving jail time. He's still full of the "it's everyone else's fault" crap.
His friend, who was the driver, has had his children removed from the family by CPS.
Really, nothing fascinating about this sad story.......nothing but pain all around.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
No fascination here either. I also just feel sad. I actually think my ex dh rock bottom will be death cos he's drinking himself there and nothing, absolutely nothing has stopped him. He hasn't had a single day off alcohol since he was 14 except when strapped to a morphine pump in hospital. He even drank at work!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
soullight, I don't think fascination is the right word but more of "hope" that with each downward spiral our loved experiences it will be their bottom.
Unfortunately what we term bottom what normal thinking tells that it should be a bottom, to the addict in most cases it's just a temporary obstacle.
The addict that used to be in my life hit what I thought was a bottom, lost job, car accident but NO he picked up a shovel and kept digging.
I understand when you say fascination because it becomes so unreal with some of the things we witness and see what they do. Enablers as well, once we are able to understand exactly what enabling is it becomes so clear we can't help but notice it.
((hugs))
Unfortunately what we term bottom what normal thinking tells that it should be a bottom, to the addict in most cases it's just a temporary obstacle.
The addict that used to be in my life hit what I thought was a bottom, lost job, car accident but NO he picked up a shovel and kept digging.
I understand when you say fascination because it becomes so unreal with some of the things we witness and see what they do. Enablers as well, once we are able to understand exactly what enabling is it becomes so clear we can't help but notice it.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 105
To me fascination isn't the right word but I think I know what you are wondering about. I can't find the exact word to use for so many of my emotions and lifestyle.
I do find it very perplexing (???) I a also trying to think of a word to see what all he has done/lost/etc. and still not "learn" a thing. I always thought the latest stupid, horrible spell would be the end of it. In the beginning of our relationship at least he would stop drinking for a couple of weeks or a month in between the really bad drunk times. He stopped the break and that is when I started not being able to cope. I needed that break to recharge my own batteries and be normal for awhile.
I also wondered how much of the babble or stupid or hurtful things he did or said were really reality and what he felt/thought when sober. He always said it wasn't. Not to pay attention or hold on to when he called me lazy or the devil because he didn't really feel that way about me. But when you hear the same thing over and over - even if someone is drunk - it makes you wonder. Right???
Bewildering.....I like that word....everything in our lives of us who deal with As is just...bewildering.
I do find it very perplexing (???) I a also trying to think of a word to see what all he has done/lost/etc. and still not "learn" a thing. I always thought the latest stupid, horrible spell would be the end of it. In the beginning of our relationship at least he would stop drinking for a couple of weeks or a month in between the really bad drunk times. He stopped the break and that is when I started not being able to cope. I needed that break to recharge my own batteries and be normal for awhile.
I also wondered how much of the babble or stupid or hurtful things he did or said were really reality and what he felt/thought when sober. He always said it wasn't. Not to pay attention or hold on to when he called me lazy or the devil because he didn't really feel that way about me. But when you hear the same thing over and over - even if someone is drunk - it makes you wonder. Right???
Bewildering.....I like that word....everything in our lives of us who deal with As is just...bewildering.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
I've learned to take people's actions as reality. It doesn't do me any good to try to figure out why people do certain things, or why they lie.
And really, there's not much to be bewildered about -- that is just smoke that we put up (and I've certainly done it) so that we can avoid reality.
The fact is, they do lie, and they do hurtful things. And we have formed unhealthy attachments to these dysfunctional people. And when it hurts us we throw up dust and say we're confused. It's called denial.
Again, I am not saying this to be snarky -- I lived in denial land too, for far, far too long. I didn't start getting happier until I took a good hard look at my partner and saw who he was -- insensitive and dishonest -- and not who I wanted him to be.
And really, there's not much to be bewildered about -- that is just smoke that we put up (and I've certainly done it) so that we can avoid reality.
The fact is, they do lie, and they do hurtful things. And we have formed unhealthy attachments to these dysfunctional people. And when it hurts us we throw up dust and say we're confused. It's called denial.
Again, I am not saying this to be snarky -- I lived in denial land too, for far, far too long. I didn't start getting happier until I took a good hard look at my partner and saw who he was -- insensitive and dishonest -- and not who I wanted him to be.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
What I find the most "fascinating" is the thought processes and actions off the enablers actually. How their situation is usually "special" and they allow the addict to use them to the point of being a doormat. This situation drives me crazy and I would never allow it in my life so it's fascinating to me to see others who do allow it (thank you, can I have another??)
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Yes Refiner, very well said. There is a grim fascination in watching enablers and codependents justify their behavior -- it's like watching a slow motion train wreck.
I'll say it again -- I found a great happiness, and serenity in life when I finally saw things for what they were, and accepted my role in my own unhappiness, rather than blaming my problems on my addict partner. I fought it for the longest time, thinking it would destroy me. But it was a transformational realization, one that taught me to own my power, to own my emotions, to own my behavior -- and to let everyone else own theirs.
I'll say it again -- I found a great happiness, and serenity in life when I finally saw things for what they were, and accepted my role in my own unhappiness, rather than blaming my problems on my addict partner. I fought it for the longest time, thinking it would destroy me. But it was a transformational realization, one that taught me to own my power, to own my emotions, to own my behavior -- and to let everyone else own theirs.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I don't know if the enablers just need to feel needed or perhaps there is some mental disorder in some that they don't even see it (such as with hoarders). Growing up with an AF and a Mother who was "stuck" (financially dependent on him), I learned At a very young age to never depend on another person to make you -- financially or emotionally -- or you will be very disappointed.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I think from a psychological and neurological perspective it is fascinating how the brain works in all people, but addicts particularly. Most people associate "fascinating" with positive things, but really it simply means to hold attention or arouse interest and curiosity. Speaking from an academic standpoint, yes it is fascinating. Incredibly sad and unfair, but fascinating.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 105
I should have mentioned in my post I am just as bewildered or fascinated with my own - codie, enabler behavior as I am the A. I am just as dysfunctional. I feel bad for all of us in this crazy mess. I hope I can be ok someday but for now I am not. It sucks but I am honest about it.
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