amy55

I've been seeing a lot of threads recently about should I stay, should I go, he is abusive, but I love him, what will happen to him, what about the kids? I'm not married, but I love him, where will he go?

I was married twice. I thought my first marriage was bad, but it didn't break me. Was it due to the longevity of the marriage? IDK, the first one didn't break me. I still kept my "me". I think in my first marriage I knew what to expect. He did treat me nice, but it was the real upfront stuff that I knew I had to battle for my life. I married him early because I was pregnant.

I still lived at home, and when we married he moved in with me, (and my parents). I had a real easy place to fall back on. We had a baby, he didn't work, I did, he had no money, told him to get the eff out. Got child support for a short period of time, because his new girlfriend paid it for him.

So, I grew up, or did I? In my mid 20's now, I find a nice respectable person. Treated me well, adopted my daughter from my first marriage.

Everything is going along fine, but oh, except for the time when we were dating and I told him to pull over because I couldn't take it anymore. But I think that it is all me. I'm the b!tch.

We go away for the weekend, we get there, I played a CD. He left, said he didn't like the CD. Didn't come back for many hours. But again, it's all me.

We got married in 1983. I got pregnant immediately. We rented a vacation house down the shore with friends. I spent all the nights by myself. Since I couldn't drink, he didn't want me to go to the bars with him and friends. So I sat at the vacation house by myself. See, he was only being considerate.

Lived with my mom for awhile cause my dad passed away, (cirrhosis of the liver), well my mom couldn't afford the bills. So we stayed to help her out.

My mom's brother had a stroke, partially paralyzed, she took him in, I spent a year taking care of him also, but now my H wanted to get on with life. My mom had the income now, so we bought a house.

Second month in the new house he threw me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs. My back still hurts to this day.

He promised me that he would never do that again. His family stayed over for the weekend, I slept on the bathroom floor, was afraid to get in the bed with him.

Do kids know what's going on? The night he did that, he exploded on me how I never do anything. He kicked me, he went to sleep, I stayed up all night cleaning for when his family came over for the weekend. It was a fourth of July weekend. My youngest daughter then 8 got up about 1 or 2 am, came down to the basement, I was cleaning and washing clothes, and she begged me now to commit suicide. WOW.

But I stayed, because he apologized.

The drinking never got better, the abuse didn't stop.

It all got worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So for anyone thinking, will it get better, can I help him change, can I be there for him, can I make a difference, the answer is for him, (or her) NO. They have to want to stop to make a difference.

For anyone caught up in this sh!t like I was, it hurts, you will feel like you don't even exist, you will feel like you have duct tape over your mouth and a straight jacket on. You will try to do and say things, but they aren't heard, if they are heard, it is only to mock you with it.

I went through over 25 years of this. Add in another 2 1/2 years for the divorce. I'm still recovering from the horrors of all of this.

Just need to say, look at the drinking, and look at the behavior. They are 2 separate things.

If you say now that they only act that way when they are drinking, sometimes, small minority are right, most are they will act that way no matter what.

Forget what or who you fell in love with. Can you live the rest of your life with what you are going through now progressing, and getting worse and worse.

I have no doubt if I stayed that he would have killed me, or I would have killed him, for my survival. It gets down to that, survival.

I had to get out.

iamthird

It was very brave and courageous for you to put every detail of that into writing. I too have experienced verbal, emotional and physical abuse from separated AH and although I share many of emotions on this board, I am not brave enough to recount all the physical things. I am so sorry for the abuse you experienced, you never deserves any of it. I applaud you for your courage to get out, someone women never do. I think you are extraordinary!

amy55

iamthird, but you are first in my book, I am also sorry you went through these things. I did not detail everything here, but if anyone has ?'s more then willing to answer. I just have to say that sometimes it does take awhile to be able to talk about things, because I know how great the pain is.

I am hoping you are doing well on your check ups. I'm a 14 yr survivor.

hopeful4

(((AMY)))

O sweetie, my heart just cracked for you. The thing is, we all have to work on ourselves. That way we can see the true pic of whats going on, so we realize WE DESERVE MORE.

You are so right. One of the first things my psychiatrist told me was that i was catagorizing my X's behavior and he helped me realize my X and his addiction and all the horrible things that come with it are one in the same. He does not get his horrible actions excused bc he is sick or has an addiction. He is still a grown adult with free will to treat others in what way he sees fit. I know i deserve better than that, end of story.

For me it was so scary to contemplate the unknown. What would happen with a million different issues if we would separate. I can only say the peace is worth it. Im a better person, with God's he arelp i am who i want to be. I no longer accept any part of his crazy behaviors, as i have not only turned him over to God but me too.

When i came out of isolation and built my support system i was amazed by how many people care and support me. I decided never to go back to that place again and i will not. I know that no matter what happens i have the tools to make the right decisions.0

amy55

Maybe here I want to talk about the isolation that we put ourselves into. We give the power over to the person that caused us to isolate.

I think this is just a weird time of the year for me. I still go into PTSD, because my wedding anniversary is the 14th and the 16th of July.

I just hate this entire month.

I do have a support system now, and may actually consider dating again. Still a little about that.

I just don't know anymore. I try to stay optimistic about thing, but when you are talking about someone recovering from alcoholism and abusive behavior, I can't see that anymore.

hopeful4

I know just what you mean. Recognize this month triggers you and use us and your support system to see it has gotten better and you have many who care about you and are not going to hurt you. Just making your post pulled those feelings out of isolation and thats a great thing.

You have insight and wisdom and pay that forward all the time, i see it here at sr. One day you will hit july and it will be just another month. Until then, wr are here with you.

Much love and hugs my friend

sunday9

Thank you, Amy. You have already helped me. I have a long ways to go but your wisdom makes me hope I can just do it one day and be done with him. I can put my life back together and I sure hope I can help others as you have.

amy55

sunday, I love hearing from you.

I hear what you are saying also. I guess in a way, I had children, but they weren't living with us any more. I wanted to hold on to my dream, but it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare.

If you ever want to, click on my postings I thing it was last July, my anniversary, about things that trigger me, or something to do with my anniversary. Just click on my name, you can find them.

((((((((((((hugs, sunday))))))))))))

ladyscribbler

Maybe here I want to talk about the isolation that we put ourselves into. We give the power over to the person that caused us to isolate.

I think this is just a weird time of the year for me. I still go into PTSD, because my wedding anniversary is the 14th and the 16th of July.

I just hate this entire month.

This is why I love you Amy. These words are exactly what I needed to read today. I've spent this weekend isolating, hiding from the fireworks and the patriotic music and the parades and uniforms and waving flags. I actually planned in advance to avoid going out except to work and get food. My kids aren't here so it was pretty easy.
I did finally force myself to go out to an Alanon meeting tonight. I spilled my guts about the issues I've been having with my son (he's going to be repeating 7th grade next year), which is unusual for me. I felt self-conscious talking so long, apologized to the group. They were so kind and supportive, and someone else actually thanked me afterward for my sharing and said it helped him.
I realized that my self-imposed isolation was doing more harm than good. Like you said, I was just giving power to what has harmed me. I've been really good about the whole veteran thing lately, going to Memorial Day events and stuff, but I had a bad slip this weekend. I think part of it was the memories of an abusive relationship and how July 4th was always awful in that house with both of our PTSD flaring up and him on a binge.
I need to be grateful for the peace I have this year. Thanks Amy.

amy55

ladyscribbler,

I'm thinking I remember you were in the service. I want to thank you for that. Thank you.

I got out of my isolation yesterday. I went fishing with a group of friends. It was a free fishing day so we went because my friends son has autism, he loves this.

It was really cold that day, imagine cold on the 4th of July in Pa. Hurricane Andrew, got none of the rain here, just a lot of cold and winds.

amy55

I had a really strange feeling last night...... I was looking up at the fireworks, and I just wanted someone to be in back of me, someone that had their arms around me and I was leaning on their chest.

I don't even know why I posted this. But pressing the button anyway.

ladyscribbler

Funny. I lived in Erie the past five years before I moved home to Iowa last fall. I really miss the lake. My youngest is spending this month with his grandparents (ex's folks) in PA. I was hoping they'd have good warm swimming weather. He took some lessons last month and was very excited to show grandma and grandpa what he'd learned. They have a backyard pool. I'm sure it'll warm up though.
As for the Army, it was my honor to serve. I still miss the people sometimes, the camraderie. For someone who tends to be shy and a loner, it really helped break me out of my shell.

amy55

I can associate myself with you so much. I was also very shy, a loner. I went into a job where I couldn't do that either. I worked for Social Security. Will never compare that to what you went through though.

I'm in Pa, yesterday in the northeast it was warmer in the water then out of the water.

Do you know how much I love you? I do, you never once had a mean word.

I think you are terrific.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Bullfrog

I think you exactly said what I was trying to get at in the other post. It GETS WORSE.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you sure can't cure it. You start thinking you are crazy, until (hopefully, by the grace of God) you realize you are not. And it takes so long to undo the damage done to you.

Reading others' stories helps me every day.

I stayed so long because of religious reasons and "for the kids." But the real true God does not want abuse for those He loves. Don't ever believe otherwise-- it's a lie.

amy55

Bullfrog, I know there are many quotes to dispel this. I'm just really religious anymore. I'm always here for you.

Abuse is not condoned in the bible or most civilizations.

I think I only wrote about maybe one aspect of my abuse previously except if you clicked on my name and read the others.

Sometimes the emotional abuse is so bad, that you actually want the physical. This was you can see the wounds, were before they were invisible. Now is this sh!t sick or not. I couldn't leave until I saw the wounds, the scars, the blood, but guess what, I still didn't leave.

I only left when I thought I could kill him. But was afraid too, because I already spent 25 yrs in h3ll, then to get sentenced to another 25 that was crazy, then I though about it, and why did I put myself through that?

sunday9

MY ABF never hit me but he scared me sometimes....when he was very drunk and deranged looking.....probably blacking out. One night we were dancing at club and he started to imaginary "shoot" people. I got him out of there real fast! At home he would yell at me - talk horrible things to me, call me names, etc. I would get scared and often leave - just drive around for 30 minutes in middle of night. Sometimes he would throw and break things (usually my stuff....not sure if that was intentional or just handy).

He always says it is my fault because I should know better than to push his buttons anytime he is drinking. I can make him have a "bad" drunk if I "start with him" early in the drunk and then things will get bad. Hmmmm....like he wants my help in controlling how good of a drunk time he will have?! I have tried to be nice and accepting and hang out with him and then before I know it he snaps and either leaves for more booze or becomes angry man. Either way I lose. Same if I just sat inside and ignored him. He did not want to be alone when he was drunk. He likes attention.

So more and more he blames it all on me ....gets angrier with me. I think lately he has really had to dig deep to stop himself from actually hitting or throwing things at me. I think that is one reason he has found this AGF who will come get him at a moments notice and offer him peace from me. His anger may have subsided since being with her so of course he can blame it on me even more.

It is a horrible feeling to think someone hates/dislikes you to that point. I was angry with him too but anger based on love or reactions to his crap. I know some his problem is self-hate misplaced towards me. I really, really did push those buttons for him. I wouldn't give up and sit in a corner and be quiet. I gave as good as I got and I was doing it with a drunk man so I am very lucky he never hit me. That is the guilt I have in the way our relationship is ending. That I shouldn't have added fuel to the fire when he was angry so often.

Tansy

I just wanted someone to be in back of me, someone that had their arms around me and I was leaning on their chest.

That made me cry. I give anything for that. I take care of everyone, I'd love someone to take care of me now and then.

theuncertainty

My AXH did this, too. It was never his stuff (or the stuff he actually used / liked that was 'ours,' like the huge TV, or the pictures from his rugby days). And he often had to bypass his stuff to get to mine. I always accepted his back-ssed apologies about not meaning to break my things; they were in the way, it fell and broke when he put it back too hard; he once threw framed pics of my family while carefully picking them from around / between the pics of his family. Odds are, your xABF's stuff was just as handy as yours, too.

Sunday, it's only 'subsided' because he's trying to cultivate a relationship with her. If he was an -ss from the get-go, there'd be no relationship.
It's not her. It's not you.

It's him.

amy55

Wow, thanks for this. It's amazing to see how they can control themselves into only breaking your things. So they are in this uncontrollable rage, but they will pick out the things that they will throw and break. "Your things" !!!!!!!!!!

They can control things when they are trying to control you. It's really not a rage, its intimidation.

Bullfrog

Or totally be a superstar at work but horrendous at home. Funny how that works.