suncatcher

When I used to call my xabf he would often act distant and act like I was bothering him or he was at the bar. I learned thru detaching to just let him be and take care of me. But then just when I'm feeling good about letting go he calls. If he doesn't hear from me, he calls and leaves messages to call him back. Why do they do this? Why do they push us away when we are willing to be there and then try to reel us back again when we let them go? I haven't called him back. I know I could call and listen to him slur some story he has but I just want to keep my peace of mind right now. I always think I have this down. That I can talk to him and even see him sometimes without slipping back into codie mode. But as soon as I think that I can feel the self doubt start creeping back in. I used to want his attention and settle for crumbs. I still think if him as a friend I care about but I do better mentally with maintaining distance. Still when he calls I wrestle over do u call him back or not? Does anyone else go through this? Thoughts appreciated. I'm just trying to find a balance and keep myself in a healthy state of mind. He did a number on my state of mind for so long and I contributed to that being the codependent. Feel like I'm moving beyond that but his phone calls to me are like putting a drink in front of him. I think it's harmless but know what it can lead to. Thanks for reading.

HisAngel

Wow, I could've written those very words myself! It happened to me too many times to count...which is why I had to eventually block his number and emails. In the beginning, his calls would fill me with such hope and after years and years I've reached a point where I just can't listen to his empty promises any longer. You are so right too about the phone calls bringing out the 'codie' in us. What I found helpful was to look at my calendar and count all the times we had made plans that got cancelled due to him and/or his drinking so it would remind me I deserve better. I think my exABF used my presence in his life to appease or keep up appearances with his family...sort of like if they knew we were still seeing each other then, he must be doing better and is sober...even though he was not. He admitted to me once, when he was sober, he had more respect for me when I'd remove myself from his chaos to focus on me and take care of myself. But he went on to say too that even though he was ashamed to admit it to me, he felt a sense of relief I was absent in his life during those times because it meant he didn't have to pretend he was sober like he did when he knew he was going to be around me. Now, I when we do speak, I take every word he says with a grain of salt and see it all as manipulation. Sad isn't it? Stay strong...ask yourself if you know you deserve better than what being in a relationship with him is like. And ask yourself if your needs/wants are being met with him. Mine were not, which is why I am here...to gain strength and heal from years of living off those emotional crumbs which was all my exABF had to offer me. Glad you are here!!! You will find loving support and immeasurable understanding!

suncatcher

Thank you hisangel. I know he is only capable of giving crumbs which is why I am here too. I know I deserve more. He didn't care when I was feeling lonely when he was passed out beside me. His beer and pot will always come before anything else. I loved him so much though and in many ways I always will. I have just learned to love myself more and to protect my self from the emotional mind games they like to play. I felt so out of control before I learned how to detach and take care of myself. Needs went unmet and promises were always broken. I feel so much better knowing I can take care of myself and not seek validation or approval from someone not capable of having a healthy relationship. It takes a long time to heal from the emotional damage we go through when dealing with an a. But we get there. Coming here helps. Thanks again for sharing your story.

Bernadette777

Dear Suncatcher & Hisangel..

Hi, I think we all went out with the same guy same beer & pot guy! We stay strong!

lillamy

When you show them they have no power over you, they're dying to get that power back. Keep up the good work.

Bernadette777

Amen lillamy! You said it. Thanks for reminding, everyday we gotta work it.

hopeful4

They see you getting stronger, like it was said, that places control of you with you. Its outside what they know but they see change.

sunday9

Thousands of times I told my ABF that I was not controlling him --- he and his beer were controlling me. I don't think he ever, ever understood or cared what I meant. So now I see they control us in more ways than I ever knew. No wonder I am so messed up emotionally now.

healthyagain

It is all about control. I have discovered that my husband does not like when I use "the Al-Anon" terminology. He does not like when I talk about "AA," or "playing victim," "finding excuses," "being manipulative," "quacking." You know why? Because he thinks I am actually talking to someone, although I am mainly learning here. And if I have "someone," then his influence is not as strong. Then he gets super slimy nice. And I notice he is watching my reactions, almost as if he is walking on the eggshells!

You have a caller ID? Do not answer the phone. And do not listen to the messages either.

ladyscribbler

Power and control, as others have said. Also I noticed my ex wanting to know if I was dating and whether or not my life had totally fallen apart without him. Whenever he asked me how I was I always said, "I'm doing great." No elaborate details. He finally quit asking when he heard that I really meant it.
Limited contact helped me a lot. I only speak to him when he's sober, which is rare, and only about our son. Now we only talk once or twice a month, and that's mostly just me answering the phone, seeing if he's sober and handing the phone to our son.