jarp

I have a 5,9 and 12 year old.

As per my other post AH left the family home last night, and the only chance of him coming back is if he gets treatment, enters a recovery program and can demonstrate he's worked it for 12 months or more.

He's not interested in treatment.

So what do I say to the kids? Of course they'd know things are not right with their dad but they actually rarely actually saw him 'drunk'. They saw a 'dry drunk' plenty though.

Everything I can think of sayin has something wrong with it. I know nothing I say will be perfect but I'm scared of stuffing this up.

I'm thinking of saying "dad is really sick at the moment (with added alcohol info for 9 & 12 yo). He's moved out for a while (this feels wrong...it will be long time, maybe never) while he thinks about whether he wants to try to get better". Then I'm struggling to know what to say to 5 & 9 yo about why somone woudnt want to get better.

AND it's a lie as that's not what he's gone to do....he's gone bc he won't get treatment and I don't want him inflicting his behaviour on us anymore. And I know from experience how damaging lying to kids is, and I don't want to do that.

But I can't think of how to say that without denigrating him. 'Dad is sick ( drinks too much and can't control it) and behaves in ways that aren't good for our family...so he needs to live by himself.....I hope he gets treatment but he may not....he loves you, has nothing to do with you....the sickness makes it very hard for him to make good choices".

????

I guess I want to shield them from the fact that their dad has chosen alcohol over them...and know I can't, and shouldn't...

I will be booking family therapy as well.

Any experience from those who have been there....? Thanks so much.

jarp

Sorry and part II to the question....

I don't want to say to the kids 'keep it to yourself' but the 9yo has some brain issues....and she's likelyntomstand pm and announce it to the class for show and tell.

I've used a circle of people before to explain who you might like to share personal info with and what the positive and negative consequences might be at each level (ie level 1 is friends and family who will love you and care for you forever, that you can always trust...level 4 is casual acquaintances), and she's labelled different people or groups of people. What do people think of me working through with her where sharing her dad is an A should sit?

PurpleKnight

When I was younger I went to Al-anon and Alateen, both were really helpful for support and understanding, family therapy therefore sounds like a good plan, even if some kids won't get mush out of it, you will definitely benefit from having support.

Which leads me to your question, my sister was older than me when my parents got divorced and my dad moved out due to his alcoholism, and in hindsight she had a different experience to me, kids at different ages will be more aware than others, but even at 4 yrs old I was aware of something not being right between my parents, not sure how I did but when it was announced dad was leaving I saw it as a progression of the problems that I'd already picked up on, so I wasn't shocked and at 4yrs old I didn't ask many questions, I don't even remember how my mum phrased it, but I already knew it was as a result of alcohol.

Which is why I would probably keep it quite general around your marriage relationship continuing apart, people separate for many different reasons, and their dad leaving is the important thing to mention without getting into much of the reasons behind it.

The reason I say this is because they will all become teenagers some day and will all be twenty something year olds, and it is then when the real post mortem of their childhood and their parents relationship will really begin, as it did for me, but for now keeping things simple is probably best!!

NWGRITS

You're on the right track. Your older two will understand addiction better than your 5yo. Tell them that he is sick, but it's not something that he can go get medicine for. He drinks alcohol and can't stop, and his drinking isn't good for them or for you. They likely will already know much of this. Just be honest. My FOO lied and covered for my AM, which made me feel like I was crazy. I knew something was wrong, I knew she had a problem. I was the troublemaker and the one with the problem because I refused to sweep it under the rug like they did. I spent my whole life being blamed for the family's problems. The kids are the only innocents in all this. They need to know that they are loved and that none of this is their fault.

jarp

Thank you both....insight from the other side and from the pov of a child is so helpful for me.

I'm worried about them making a connection between being sick and needing to move out of home. What happens if they are sick....will they think this means they'll need to leave?

My older two were adopted and I'm by vigilant to abandonment issues they might have (one does, the other is more mild - they exhibit in different ways).

PurpleKnight

I think as kids life is more simple and as adults we tend to overcomplicate things, as long as you create a safe loving environment for them, that they feel comfortable in then that's the important thing, they probably won't overthink things too much as to why their dad isn't around, the positivity in their lives coming from you will outweigh all the negative things relating to the situation.

As they get older as I mentioned they will then need different support as they develop teenage and adult minds, that's when their minds will start to ponder and question things, to answer your second question it is then that they will need to confide in their friends as to what they are thinking/feeling about their childhoods, but that's getting ahead of things for the time being!!

Santa

The kids see and understand more than you think. Be honest, don't perpetuate any lies, and do *not* say it needs to be kept secret. Lies are toxic and secrets protect and enable the alcoholic.

It will be ok. It's not easy but the kids come out the other side if you are open and honest.

Lovenjoy

i am the adult child of an alcoholic and never got the truth as a kid and i believe that more than anything is what messed me up. since my role was that of care giver when the family split it became all my fault in my heart and mind. i was 11 years old. it has taken many years to get over...

kudos for you in even addressing this directly with your children. and even more so for wanting a better life for both you and them.

just my two cents here but i question using the word sick with kids. we all get sick and i'm not sure they can differentiate between sicknesses, ya know? maybe he has a condition... like i said, just my two cents...

you are getting amazing advise both here and on your other thread and i know that being guided by love as you are that you will find the right words. sending much love to you all.

Bullfrog

I have a 9 and 3 year old. The 3 year old obviously did not need any explanations, when we left. But for my 9 year old, I explained alcoholism gently to her and told her that we were getting a divorce. I was gentle but she doesn't need any more lies in her life. I'm always amazed by how perceptive and smart kids are. I now have her in counseling and hope to start her in Alateen in the fall.

It's not an ideal world. Alcoholism and divorce are unfair and suck big time. But hopefully, she will always feel like she has at least one healthy, truthful, stable parent.

Bullfrog

Also, whenever the effects of his addiction affect their lives (he cancels/doesn't call/is a jerk), I stick with 1) Daddy still loves them 2) he is making poor choices 3) it has nothing to do with them. But I'm done sugarcoating anything or making excuses or trying to falsely build him up in their eyes. He is in charge of his relationship with them. I won't speak disparagingly of him, but I'm done painting a false picture of Superdad to them.

PurpleKnight

I agree with the "superdad" thing, my dad sucked as a dad and I still have that opinion of him, but he was still a person, as I grew older I reconnected with him as a human being, but the time had passed to have any real father/son relationship, so we had a moderate friendship I guess as adults, btw he died eventually of his alcoholism so I've been pondering these things a lot over the years.

My mum neither built him up or brought him down in front of my sister and I, which meant that I had a pretty neutral view of things, something I credit her with in hindsight, I was then able to choose what to do when I reached adulthood, I chose to re kindle some sort of relationship with him, which I do think for my own mental outlook was important as a son.

allysen

I don't think your kids are going to care too much at this moment for the reason he moved out. What they will want to know is where he is and when are they going to see him again. I would stay away from the 'sick' wording because they will just worry about him. My son was 4 when his dad moved out. My XAH and I sat down with our son together and explained that dad was moving out. We said it was a mutual decision that we were both happy with. We assured him, with exact dates, of when he would see dad again and see dad's new place. The exact wording of it is foggy to me now. Your kids will have their own questions about what is going on so I would just let them guide you rather than the other way around.

I've never talked to my son about his dad being sick or having alcoholism. To my son, his dad is his hero. Who am I to take that from him? He's only 5. Should I also tell him there's no Santa? All of us make our own conclusions eventually about our parents and we are all capable of doing that quite accurately without the interference of the other parent. XAH has made some stupid decisions that have hurt my son (ie. not showing up when promised), and my son is able to draw his own conclusions and learn from it. Over the past year, he has learned never to rely on his father's word - "Dad says he's coming today, but if he doesn't can we go to the park?". And that required nothing of my doing. Eventually, I'm sure his questions will come about WHY his dad does those things, but by then he will be ready for the answer. Now isn't the time.

ladyscribbler

I never got the truth from my mom, so I internalized a lot of the blame for my dad's behavior. In hindsight I think my mom was trying not to "badmouth" my dad by talking about his alcoholism, but she spent a lot of time just generally tearing him down. I began blaming him for everything, like she did, and adopted a lot of her unhealthy codependent behavior which I carried with me into adulthood.
As a child that was very confusing for me and it's only now in hindsight that I am starting to understand this stuff while I work through my ACoA issues.

NWGRITS

This, exactly. As they grow older they will learn that no expectations are best with an alcoholic. But no matter what, don't give him ammunition to use against them or you.

Tansy

I have to tell my 15 year old sons when exah leaves and I've decided to be totally honest with them. They already know things aren't right and suffering stress cos of it. I don't want them thinking he's left cos of something they did or didn't do so I'll tell them the truth. Both are autistic and any "sugar coating " will be seen as a lie by them and they will never forgive me if I lie to them. They need to know they can trust one of us.