rry1177

Some of you have read my posts regarding me flip flopping on breaking up with ABF. I appreciate the encouragement, because I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. However, I still wrestle with the fact that ABF may never stop drinking.
I'm just curious about how some of you got to the point of accepting things the way they are.

Stung

Solely because we have babies together. Staying married allows me to control the custody situation in entirety. If we legally separate or divorce he'll get them solo about 30% of the time and right now he only sees them when I'm around.

If it were just me...I'd cut bait and leave. I'm cute, smart and fun. I don't need someone else's issues to deal with. I have enough of my own. Thankyouverymuch!

Also, I don't accept that this is how it is, I'm just not going to him for support anymore. I can't keep asking him to give me something he isn't capable of.

Blossom717

I'm still with my A because we have a child together. She will be 3 this month. I have waited until I felt like she can maybe handle her self at home with him without me (I mean by - shes potty trained, can feed herself, doesn't need to be carried...things like that). I do worry about him getting custody and drinking and driving. I may have enough evidence for him to only get supervised visits, but I'm not 100% on that.

I have stayed because I had hopes he would "wake up" and be the dad and the partner we need him to be. But I don't see that happening with my still being there, and I have no interest in being his girlfriend anymore.

There is a number of reasons I have stayed this long....none to keep me here much longer though. I'm at the point where I can't focus on MY life, I can'teven go to the grocery store and make a decision on food without having a minor panic attack.

Bullfrog

Everyone definitely has their own reasons.

I see a lot of posts from members whose A is a girl/boyfriend or fiancé. My first thought is always, "You have not made vows. You have no kids. Why on earth would you stay a moment longer?"

But I get it. You love the person. You either remember the way they were, or have hope for their potential. But the A is what he is. Right at this moment in time. And alcoholism is a progressive disease. It WILL get worse, and recovery is no walk in the park or guaranteed.

I am coming from the position of leaving a 13 year marriage with 2 kids. When I left, I took the kids and lived in a shelter for a month so I could get a job and a new home. I had a nasty divorce. He's still a mess. Why would you sign on for that if you don't have to?

That's my take.

isitme

I can't believe I'm going to admit this. But sometimes I think I stay because it's easier, comfortable, I know what to expect. In reality, it's not Easy or Comfortable, but in terms of changing, uprooting my life, moving, dealing with settlements, housing, telling the kids, changing schools or looking for a place in the district and the drama that will ensue.. that all freaks me out!

I want out, I want to live my life, I want a non-toxic relationship but I just can't see how to get from here to there. I'm scared of the pain the heartache and the change. I can see my life without him, I can't see the pathway through. Right now things hurt. But it's hurt I'm used to. It's hurt I know how to cope with. That doesn't make it right or any less damaging but it allows me to function with out wanting to jump out of my skin.

FireSprite

When he was actively drinking, he was doing it secretly so I never really understood the scope of the problem. I wasn't let in on the secrets until he was already reaching for help with AA, and by then I was so relieved to actually have a face & name for the demon I had been blindly battling. We had only just moved back in together after a 2yr+ separation so I felt like we had already gone through the splitting up part & that now, knowing the real problem, things would have to be on the upswing on a fairly direct path. Right? Ha!

In hindsight, I wished for that separation during early recovery because it would have been a lot easier on both of us, but especially me. Thank God for SR is all I can say - this place helped me find & keep my sanity into the wee hours of the nights & I learned so much more than I expected to about both of us.

I think all the time about those that stay during active addiction because, truth be told, I don't think I have it in me for that. If I had *known* what was going on with RAH before he started recovery on his own I likely would have pushed for divorce during the separation instead. I find that my boundary is that I can work toward "better" so long as he is active in his recovery & working toward positive changes (with both his addiction & all of those underlying issues that the alcohol was allowing him to suppress.) but that I cannot & will not stick around if he decides to actively drink again.

Blossom717

Isitme------you took the words right out of my mouth!

sunday9

>>But I get it. You love the person. You either remember the way they were, or have hope for their potential. But the A is what he is. Right at this moment in time. And alcoholism is a progressive disease. It WILL get worse, and recovery is no walk in the park or guaranteed.<<

I am probably in the process of breaking up but I tried all this time for all of those reasons. After a point it does become normal, it's your life you share with someone. It's easier than starting over and nice to have a companion. I think with me it just finally became more than even I could take as his disease progressed. It was messing with my health, $$, peace, etc. and I reacted to that and things got really bad between us. I think he has moved on. I could never have made the decision to make him leave.

TryingToLearn

I stay for a lot of reasons and love and companionship are not among them because I can't love someone who is verbally abusive and mean and I haven't had companionship in years but we have intermingled finances, we have a house I love together and I'm scared of the fallout from a nasty man when I leave. I'm determined to get out of this mess though and I'm working extra hours and putting away money and when I have a cushion, I'm going to make myself take that scary step and reclaim my life. It's a tricky situation sometimes extricating yourself from a mess especially when you live with an AH who won't let you voice your thoughts. I have my own issues too that I'm working on that have kept me stuck as well. Wouldn't wish living with a verbally abusive A on anyone and its really taken a lot of energy to get the courage to take baby steps to leave. Sometimes they just plain wear you out and you're exhausted and have nothing left to give to yourself and so you stay stuck in a mire.

sunday9

I also have what you might call an "investment" in him for all the $$ he owes me when he could not pay rent. I honestly knew it was like winning the lottery for me to get any cash back. There was a slim chance he would do more remodeling to my house in exchange.

I think he had every intention to do just that. Just that the past year the drinking has gotten so bad and his personality and demeanor are just not the same. I know he says the same about me.

dandylion

sunday---I have heard that reason for staying called "The Casino Effect"---just like the person in the casino not wanting to leave until they have recuperated their "investment".

Good luck with that....LOL!!

dandylion

LifeRecovery

Once I actually accepted that he was not going to change his alcohol use I got a lot more freedom to leave.

I stayed in part because I thought I had to. I had made the vows, and as a result had gotten into the situation. I blamed myself for a long time that I did not see this situation coming, so I had to stay in it.

RRY I needed to stay, until I was ready to go (and I was forced at a number of turns). Though it was not nice, pretty or comfortable my reactions, feelings and behavior during this experience was a great learning tool for me to get my own strength and recovery in place. When I started realizing that I NEEDED to learn these lessons, and it was mine to do with it what I learned I started to own some of my own power.

I also stayed because I cared for and about him.

Praying

You stay until you're ready to go. I really believe that. I'd like to think if have left a bf (mine was a long term H), but I don't know. I would now! I deserve so much better.

I stayed for a myriad of reasons... vows, hope, fear, responsibility, money, kids, love.

Funny thing... I left for all of those same reasons, just framed around "me" instead of "us" or "him".

I knew years ago that I was selling myself short staying, but thought I had to. He made the vow part easy with the affair and abandoning, forcing me to assess the rest.

NYCDoglvr

In my situation, it had to get pretty bad for me to finally leave. Alanon helped me see that I didn't like, trust or respect this destructive person and therefore, really have no relationship at all. It helped me see that what I called love was really need. It's a process that requires one to become brutally honest with oneself and others. Most of all it helped me see that my part in this mess was staying with someone who's great love in life was alcohol, not me. I fulfilled the function of being an enabler, nothing more. It's hard, but the kind folks at Alanon held me up ("let us love you until you can love yourself") while I got the courage to leave.

FireSprite

LOVE this - it gets my vote for SR F&F Quote of the Week. AWESOME!
:

healthyagain

Only a few months ago, my answer would be, "Because I love him." But now I see clearly how things are messed up, and how this disease is progressive. I've just had one of those "emotional" conversations with him, where he stated that he does not care about anything, that he would be happy to die, and then I asked him, "so why do you expect me to stay? What I am supposed to do now, when you do not care about us?" Anyway, that is how he is being hurtful on purpose. Like a squid releasing ink.

So, I do not hope anymore that he is going to change. I do not hope that he will reach out and find some help. And I gave up on giving ultimatums (yes, I admit I was threatening that I would divorce . . . ). And I could easily live on my own, and I really do not care what my family has to say. And I do not even know who he is anymore.

So, why am I still around him? Emotional detachment is one thing, and this can take years. Because you simply cannot believe you are being manipulated. And with time, you forget who you really are, and what are your dreams and expectations. There is only him and his need. You become consumed and tired and you deceive yourself. My husband will not hug me when I cry, so maybe I now believe that it is normal not to be hugged. You forget what is normal. You start believing that you are the one being hurtful, that you did something to deserve such a treatment.

Then when you become aware and decide to do something, there are other obstacles, like money for divorce for example. Or, when he says, "you can take everything you want," knowing that I would hate any piece of furniture we bought together and anything that would remind me of him. But he simply has to say it. It is part of the process, you know.

I am still here because I am waiting for the last drop (no pun intended), and while I am waiting, I am making my position stronger, so when that divorce happens (or who knows what else), I will not suffer that much.

sunday9

<<So, why am I still around him? Emotional detachment is one thing, and this can take years. Because you simply cannot believe you are being manipulated. And with time, you forget who you really are, and what are your dreams and expectations. There is only him and his need. You become consumed and tired and you deceive yourself. My husband will not hug me when I cry, so maybe I now believe that it is normal not to be hugged. You forget what is normal. You start believing that you are the one being hurtful, that you did something to deserve such a treatment.>>

I am going thru this now and my ABF treats me this way too. We don't even watch tv together when he is sober. He can't find one show he will compromise and spend 30 minutes with me. But of course he gets ticked off if I don't want to do the exact same thing hanging out with him when he drinks.

My dad was an A and very distant with me. Mostly he would be verbally abusive to me and my mom. I watched and wondered why she put up with that crap. Always wanted them to divorce. When they finally did I was in my 30s so it didn't "help" me any. My dad just very casually told my mom he was divorcing her and moving on (he had been sober for years by then). My mom was devasted. She had not loved nor barely liked him in years but her home, her lifestyle, her comfort was destroyed. I never understood why she took it that hard.

So karma comes to me and laughs......

angryfrustrated

So many things ring true that I've read so far.

I am still here...after planning my escape for 6 years because:
1) I really believed I could fix him
2) I didn't want to see him throw away all that he worked so hard to build (he is a functional alcoholic but was getting progressively worse)
3) My number one reason: I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE UP THE COMFORTABLE HOME I HAD. It was too scary out there and I didn't have a job. I had a great life before I decided to give it up to be with him and did not want to end up worse off than when we met. I thought if only I could fix this we would have a perfect marriage. He tried to quit several times on his own. In the periods when he was not drinking he was a completely different person...not verbally abusive, kind and attentive. I remembered how he could be.

Thanks for starting this thread. I really beat myself up for staying. It seems like anyone else leaves but here I am still here. I thought something was really wrong with me. I am glad to see other seemingly intelligent women thought the same as me.

Firefall

I don't have a boyfriend or spouse my RAA with BPD lives with me and my husband.
Had not seen her for years until she showed up 5 1/2 years ago.
It has been about 6 months since I realized having her in my home is not good for me or my husband.

Why is she still here? I kept coming up with new reasons.
She is frail
She is alone
She can't manage on her own, she has always needed someone to help her.
That would be mean
How could I love with the guilt of kicking her out
What kind of sister am I
The change will be hard financially
What happens if my husband dies, I will be alone
What happens if I die, my husband will be alone
And on and on it goes.

The core of the problem is the chaos and worry have become such a big part off my existence that I can no longer see how life would be without her and it is scary.
I have doubts about my own integrity on something that is not my fault and over which, I am absolutely powerless.

I have made my decision to sell my home of 26 years and move to something smaller so my husband and I can move on without fear and guilt.