So Angry

Old 07-04-2014, 02:29 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Great post, byebabybye. i think if I thought I could just be the accepting, fun all the time, Stepford Wife kinda woman he needs/wants ... I would. Just to not have to go thru a couple of weeks of pain and jealousy and regrets. to have my fantasy back that things would be good together again.....we would do things like we used to, etc. It's just I cannot be that way ...I have opinions, wants, needs, dreams too and I can't be ok with it all being about him all the time. It would be so easy if I could let it be tho.....like this new woman is doing. Accepting him - just like he is - which is what he always wanted from me. Sometimes I could do that but the more he drank the less I could be what he wanted. AUGH!!!!!
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Old 07-04-2014, 03:28 PM
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Sunday9, trust me when I say this woman is accepting him NOW, just like he is. You and I and everyone else did the same thing in the beginning of our relationships with an A. We may not have realized they were A's at the time. I know I didn't. I knew he drank heavily but it didn't bother me as we were new and fresh and in love and out all the time and I drank too just not as much but that all wears off eventually and when day to day living starts the A is not satisfied with it and then they become unhappy. If this new woman is also an A than I feel so sorry for both of them because ultimately they will be at each others throat and if she just likes to drink, the excessive drinking he does will eventually get to her too.

That's how I feel right now about my Exah, I'm am sure his fiance thinks absolutely nothing of his drinking but after they are married and life settles in and if she is a normie, she is not going to like it very much. She may tolerate it, just like we all do because of the "good intentions" and promises the A makes to them and depending on how needed or codependent or an enabler the other person they may just chose to stick with them and live a miserable life. I however, did not want to wake up one day when I was 50 and wonder where the heck my life went. It's a lot easier to start over now and unimaginable as it may seem since we've spent so much time taking care of the A, there are nice men and women out there that don't expect to be taken care of by another person, they are the ones that have unconditional love for another person unlike the A where everything is based on conditional love and that condition is that you accept the life they present with alcohol at the forefront.
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Old 07-04-2014, 03:39 PM
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P.S. Sunday9, you said you wish you could be fun all the time but the problem is that fun with an alcoholic is not really fun at all. What they don't understand is that when we are worried sick about them all the time and walking on eggshells so we don't rock the boat and have another fight or we are too embarrassed to be in public with them so we stop going places, etc. they think we are boring.

In my case, mine used to say that I never wanted to do anything. The problem was, I wanted to do tons of stuff but what he wanted to do always involved drinking and guess who had to be the responsible one...me. He loved going to the lake for example but he would be so drunk by the end of the day that I was stuck taking care of the kids, unloading the boat, driving home and everything else after a long hot day onthe lake. One time I told him that I wanted to go to the lake but only if he promised not to drink because I wanted to have a few drinks this time and guess what he said. I can have a couple still and be fine. He could not commit to going if he couldn't drink. It's a no win situation and when you have kids to look out for it's even worse because you have to keep them safe the whole time too.

I think you'll find that someday when you are with someone that is not an A, you do like to have fun all the time:-)
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Old 07-04-2014, 07:20 PM
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I know it is hard to always have fun with the A. Like I don't want to suddenly get dressed and go out at 1am like he does, etc. I am just clinging to the moments when I know he can be fun and now this strange woman is going to have the fun. Like you said, byebyebaby she is all accepting now so whatever he wants to do is ok with her. I was there once too and those were some of the best times of my life.

My ABF when drunk and sweet tells me how he will never leave me....he always comes back. When he is in his angry drunk stage he tells me how I will regret pushing him away and he will be gone someday and I will regret it. I guess he showed me, huh?!

Just having a sad 4th knowing he is spending it and bonding with this woman when he hasn't even officially moved from my house. I hate him and miss him equally and I can't balance my mind right now.
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Old 07-06-2014, 09:58 PM
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Sunday9, I've been thinking about you. Please do your best and take a stand. You menitoned that he hasn't even decided whether he's moving out. Don't wait for his decision, YOU make the decision and MAKE him come get his stuff.

I know this sounds easy from my perspective, but it is NOT an easy decision, hence why I stuck around for 12 years. PLEASE PLEASE take the high road now!

I felt like writing this because of the 4th of July. I too always have a pit in my stomach about any and all holiday's. I think in your situation, you have experienced the "fun" part of holiday's but if your exbf is truly an alcoholic, those holiday's are not much fun after a while and if you ever had kids with an A then it's even worse.

This last 4th, I had the VERY BRIEF moment of wanting my exah here until I remembered the true reality of what happened at a holiday's. Don't get me wrong, they weren't a 100% miserable but they certainly weren't your typical holiday's. I think we like the "image" of a family together and "fun" holiday together.

The first couple of years during all holiday's we had fun but when I look back I realize that I was being the enabler and codependent and not even realizing it...so was that really fun in the scheme of things? I think not.

Later, when the disease progressed, all holiday's started as a fun idea but ended in a drunk husband and father and a wife that once again picked up all the pieces.

A good example is when my oldest had his 7th birthday party, we had a pool party at our house and I thought it would be fun to invite the parents as well and make a BBQ of the whole thing for everyone. I specifically ask my exah not to drink too much because it was going to be hectic and I would need his help. 2 hours into the party, every parent was telling me how drunk my husband was...how flipping embarrassing at my sons birthday party!!!

Other holiday's were almost identical, whereas the idea and beginning of the party had great intentions but in the end it was all about dealing with my exah drunkeness...what a shame and even more of a shame was that ever holiday or any family function always started with good intentions and ended with me taking care of EVERYTHING!!!

Sunday9, I know it's hard and if I can have even the smallest say in preventing someone from going down the road all of us have once traveled with an A, I would do it everytime. Unfortunately, we are also stubborn people because if someone would have told me what my future would have looked liked with my AH, I know I wouldn't have listened, I would have thought that I was different and "special" and he wouldn't do any of that to me. The problem is, it's not about us or how great we are, it is and always will be about them!

The irony is that you never know who will be sucked in by A's. I had an amazing upbringing, amazing parents and siblings, a college education and completely independent. I actually had no desire to marry and figured if it's meant to be, then so be it. I was financially secure, owned my own house and had a great job when I met my A and I waited into my mid 30's before marrying him and none of that mattered...they are good, real good. I'm surprised that I fell for it all. But, the one thing I have always been is a "fixer" I can fix ANYTHING, be it problem solving or mechanically and I think that subconciously, I knew he needed to be "fixed" so I spent so much time trying to make that happen. Realizing you can't fix them I believe is part of the heartbreak and failure we feel when we finally get out of the situation...surrender is hard for us "fixers'.
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Old 07-07-2014, 01:44 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Thanks guys, you all keep me sane... I don't know where I would be without SR. I feel comfort when I read what you all have to say.
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